| Topic: |
Religions > Atheism |
| User: |
"stoney" |
| Date: |
26 Apr 2004 02:32:01 PM |
| Object: |
OT: Rules for Cats |
http://www.insanepictures.com/jk.shtml?0006.htm
Rules for Cats
I. DOORS
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on
hind legs and scratch the frame. You may also reach under the door and
pull clothing towards you; silks get the quickest reaction. Once door is
opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an
"outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several
things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, when
it's raining or snowing, or during the height of the mosquito season.
Swinging doors must be avoided at all costs.
II. CHAIRS AND RUGS
If you have to urp, get to an overstuffed chair quickly. If you cannot
manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there are no Oriental
rugs, shag is a good substitute. When urping on shag, be sure you
project; it is a must that it stretch for as long as a human's bare
foot.
III. BATHROOMS
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. (See Rule I) It is not
necessary to do anything - just sit and stare.
IV. HELPING
If one of your humans is engaged in some semi-closed activity and the
other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping"; humans
are known to refer to it as hampering". The following are the rules for
"helping": a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of
the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being
stepped on and then picked up and comforted. b) For book readers, get in
close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across
the book itself. c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work
in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or
at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often
reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to
distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery
and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans
may tell you. d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working
on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the
aim - to help! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged,
watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely,
roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability.
After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers
off the table, one at a time. e) When a human is holding the newspaper
in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love
to jump.
V. WALKING
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of
the human. Especially effective places to strike are: 1) On stairs, when
they have something in their arms; 2) In the dark; and 3) When they
first get up in the morning. This exercise helps with improving their
coordination skills.
VI. BEDTIME
Always sleep on the human at night. If there are two (or more) of you,
book end the human putting off the greatest heat. They will try and
squirm but your sheer numbers and inert bodies will effectively keep
them pinned.
VII. COMPUTERS
1: Only show interest in computers that are turned ON, the operator will
need your help.
2: Monitors are bad for human eyes. It might ruin your owner's sight and
cause them to buy less cat food. Always get in between the monitor and
the person operating the computer. For best results, stands as close to
the monitor as possible. If you are removed, go and sulk in a corner for
a minute, then repeat. Look as innocent as possible.
3: Keyboards are great to lie down on. Make yourself as comfortable as
possible. Marching over the keyboard several times is fun too. Practice
aiming at alt-F4, N, and ctrl-alt-del.
4: Always chase the mouse. Your owner can't blame you for this, since
it's your feline instinct to chase mice.
5: Floppy disk make great scratching posts. Nothing beats floppies when
it's time to sharpen your nails.
/end
Stoney
"Designated Rascal and Rapscallion
and
SCAMPERMEISTER!"
When in doubt, SCAMPER about!
When things are fair, SCAMPER everywhere!
When things are rough, can't SCAMPER enough!
/end humour alert
alt.atheism military veteran #11
{so much for the 'no atheists in foxholes' rubbish}
.
|
|
| User: "Jez" |
|
| Title: Re: Rules for Cats |
27 Apr 2004 05:34:58 AM |
|
|
"stoney" <stoney@the.net> wrote in message
news:dsoq80p8ufbki937fp5vv3h6cq14uqmhpq@4ax.com...
http://www.insanepictures.com/jk.shtml?0006.htm
Rules for Cats
I. DOORS
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on
hind legs and scratch the frame. You may also reach under the door and
pull clothing towards you; silks get the quickest reaction. Once door is
opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an
"outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several
things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, when
it's raining or snowing, or during the height of the mosquito season.
Swinging doors must be avoided at all costs.
II. CHAIRS AND RUGS
If you have to urp, get to an overstuffed chair quickly. If you cannot
manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there are no Oriental
rugs, shag is a good substitute. When urping on shag, be sure you
project; it is a must that it stretch for as long as a human's bare
foot.
III. BATHROOMS
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. (See Rule I) It is not
necessary to do anything - just sit and stare.
IV. HELPING
If one of your humans is engaged in some semi-closed activity and the
other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping"; humans
are known to refer to it as hampering". The following are the rules for
"helping": a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of
the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being
stepped on and then picked up and comforted. b) For book readers, get in
close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across
the book itself. c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work
in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or
at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often
reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to
distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery
and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans
may tell you. d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working
on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the
aim - to help! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged,
watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely,
roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability.
After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers
off the table, one at a time. e) When a human is holding the newspaper
in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love
to jump.
V. WALKING
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of
the human. Especially effective places to strike are: 1) On stairs, when
they have something in their arms; 2) In the dark; and 3) When they
first get up in the morning. This exercise helps with improving their
coordination skills.
VI. BEDTIME
Always sleep on the human at night. If there are two (or more) of you,
book end the human putting off the greatest heat. They will try and
squirm but your sheer numbers and inert bodies will effectively keep
them pinned.
VII. COMPUTERS
1: Only show interest in computers that are turned ON, the operator will
need your help.
2: Monitors are bad for human eyes. It might ruin your owner's sight and
cause them to buy less cat food. Always get in between the monitor and
the person operating the computer. For best results, stands as close to
the monitor as possible. If you are removed, go and sulk in a corner for
a minute, then repeat. Look as innocent as possible.
3: Keyboards are great to lie down on. Make yourself as comfortable as
possible. Marching over the keyboard several times is fun too. Practice
aiming at alt-F4, N, and ctrl-alt-del.
4: Always chase the mouse. Your owner can't blame you for this, since
it's your feline instinct to chase mice.
5: Floppy disk make great scratching posts. Nothing beats floppies when
it's time to sharpen your nails.
/end
My damned cats must have memorised that !!!
Great post !!
--
Jez
"The condition of alienation, of being asleep, of being unconscious,
of being out of one's mind, is the condition of the normal man. Society
highly values its normal man.It educates children to lose themselves
and to become absurd,and thus to be normal. Normal men have killed
perhaps 100,000,000 of their fellow normal men in the last fifty years."
R.D. Laing
.
|
|
|
| User: "Robibnikoff" |
|
| Title: Re: Rules for Cats |
27 Apr 2004 06:12:05 AM |
|
|
In article <408e3741$0$614$cc9e4d1f@news.dial.pipex.com>, Jez says...
"stoney" <stoney@the.net> wrote in message
news:dsoq80p8ufbki937fp5vv3h6cq14uqmhpq@4ax.com...
http://www.insanepictures.com/jk.shtml?0006.htm
Rules for Cats
I. DOORS
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on
hind legs and scratch the frame. You may also reach under the door and
pull clothing towards you; silks get the quickest reaction. Once door is
opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an
"outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several
things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, when
it's raining or snowing, or during the height of the mosquito season.
Swinging doors must be avoided at all costs.
II. CHAIRS AND RUGS
If you have to urp, get to an overstuffed chair quickly. If you cannot
manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there are no Oriental
rugs, shag is a good substitute. When urping on shag, be sure you
project; it is a must that it stretch for as long as a human's bare
foot.
III. BATHROOMS
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. (See Rule I) It is not
necessary to do anything - just sit and stare.
IV. HELPING
If one of your humans is engaged in some semi-closed activity and the
other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping"; humans
are known to refer to it as hampering". The following are the rules for
"helping": a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of
the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being
stepped on and then picked up and comforted. b) For book readers, get in
close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across
the book itself. c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work
in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or
at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often
reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to
distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery
and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans
may tell you. d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working
on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the
aim - to help! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged,
watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely,
roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability.
After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers
off the table, one at a time. e) When a human is holding the newspaper
in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love
to jump.
V. WALKING
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of
the human. Especially effective places to strike are: 1) On stairs, when
they have something in their arms; 2) In the dark; and 3) When they
first get up in the morning. This exercise helps with improving their
coordination skills.
VI. BEDTIME
Always sleep on the human at night. If there are two (or more) of you,
book end the human putting off the greatest heat. They will try and
squirm but your sheer numbers and inert bodies will effectively keep
them pinned.
VII. COMPUTERS
1: Only show interest in computers that are turned ON, the operator will
need your help.
2: Monitors are bad for human eyes. It might ruin your owner's sight and
cause them to buy less cat food. Always get in between the monitor and
the person operating the computer. For best results, stands as close to
the monitor as possible. If you are removed, go and sulk in a corner for
a minute, then repeat. Look as innocent as possible.
3: Keyboards are great to lie down on. Make yourself as comfortable as
possible. Marching over the keyboard several times is fun too. Practice
aiming at alt-F4, N, and ctrl-alt-del.
4: Always chase the mouse. Your owner can't blame you for this, since
it's your feline instinct to chase mice.
5: Floppy disk make great scratching posts. Nothing beats floppies when
it's time to sharpen your nails.
/end
My damned cats must have memorised that !!!
Great post !!
LOL - I agree. The part about the bathroom struck me funny as ever since I got
that little black kitten, my privacy has completely gone out the window. She
pushes the door right open (it doesn't close properly anyway), jumps around the
bathroom, jumps in my lap and then the second the toilet flushes, jumps up on
the seat and hangs on the edge with her head in the toilet watching the water go
down. Fallen in three time so far ;)
Robyn
Resident Witchypoo & EAC Spellcaster
#1557
.
|
|
|
| User: "stoney" |
|
| Title: Re: Rules for Cats |
01 May 2004 07:37:57 PM |
|
|
On Tue, 27 Apr 2004 11:12:05 GMT, Robibnikoff <nospam@newsranger.com>,
Message ID: <9erjc.2175$H4.220@www.newsranger.com> wrote in alt.atheism;
In article <408e3741$0$614$cc9e4d1f@news.dial.pipex.com>, Jez says...
"stoney" <stoney@the.net> wrote in message
news:dsoq80p8ufbki937fp5vv3h6cq14uqmhpq@4ax.com...
http://www.insanepictures.com/jk.shtml?0006.htm
Rules for Cats
[]
My damned cats must have memorised that !!!
Great post !!
LOL - I agree. The part about the bathroom struck me funny as ever since I got
that little black kitten, my privacy has completely gone out the window. She
pushes the door right open (it doesn't close properly anyway), jumps around the
bathroom, jumps in my lap and then the second the toilet flushes, jumps up on
the seat and hangs on the edge with her head in the toilet watching the water go
down. Fallen in three time so far ;)
It's tail grabbing time........ :)
Stoney
"Designated Rascal and Rapscallion
and
SCAMPERMEISTER!"
When in doubt, SCAMPER about!
When things are fair, SCAMPER everywhere!
When things are rough, can't SCAMPER enough!
/end humour alert
alt.atheism military veteran #11
{so much for the 'no atheists in foxholes' rubbish}
.
|
|
|
| User: "Robibnikoff" |
|
| Title: Re: Rules for Cats |
02 May 2004 12:41:11 PM |
|
|
In article <ulg890pvsqr586tdn3empgg3ffesm4clea@4ax.com>, stoney says...
On Tue, 27 Apr 2004 11:12:05 GMT, Robibnikoff <nospam@newsranger.com>,
Message ID: <9erjc.2175$H4.220@www.newsranger.com> wrote in alt.atheism;
In article <408e3741$0$614$cc9e4d1f@news.dial.pipex.com>, Jez says...
"stoney" <stoney@the.net> wrote in message
news:dsoq80p8ufbki937fp5vv3h6cq14uqmhpq@4ax.com...
http://www.insanepictures.com/jk.shtml?0006.htm
Rules for Cats
[]
My damned cats must have memorised that !!!
Great post !!
LOL - I agree. The part about the bathroom struck me funny as ever since I got
that little black kitten, my privacy has completely gone out the window. She
pushes the door right open (it doesn't close properly anyway), jumps around the
bathroom, jumps in my lap and then the second the toilet flushes, jumps up on
the seat and hangs on the edge with her head in the toilet watching the water go
down. Fallen in three time so far ;)
It's tail grabbing time........ :)
Naw, as she's almost a year old, she's on her own. While she's turning out to
be on the small side, she's not so small that she can't get out of a toilet ;)
Robyn
Resident Witchypoo & EAC Spellcaster
#1557
.
|
|
|
| User: "stoney" |
|
| Title: Re: Rules for Cats |
04 May 2004 05:41:04 PM |
|
|
On Sun, 02 May 2004 17:41:11 GMT, Robibnikoff <nospam@newsranger.com>,
Message ID: <Xoalc.2562$H4.55@www.newsranger.com> wrote in alt.atheism;
In article <ulg890pvsqr586tdn3empgg3ffesm4clea@4ax.com>, stoney says...
On Tue, 27 Apr 2004 11:12:05 GMT, Robibnikoff <nospam@newsranger.com>,
Message ID: <9erjc.2175$H4.220@www.newsranger.com> wrote in alt.atheism;
In article <408e3741$0$614$cc9e4d1f@news.dial.pipex.com>, Jez says...
"stoney" <stoney@the.net> wrote in message
news:dsoq80p8ufbki937fp5vv3h6cq14uqmhpq@4ax.com...
http://www.insanepictures.com/jk.shtml?0006.htm
Rules for Cats
[]
My damned cats must have memorised that !!!
Great post !!
LOL - I agree. The part about the bathroom struck me funny as ever since I got
that little black kitten, my privacy has completely gone out the window. She
pushes the door right open (it doesn't close properly anyway), jumps around the
bathroom, jumps in my lap and then the second the toilet flushes, jumps up on
the seat and hangs on the edge with her head in the toilet watching the water go
down. Fallen in three time so far ;)
It's tail grabbing time........ :)
Naw, as she's almost a year old, she's on her own. While she's turning out to
be on the small side, she's not so small that she can't get out of a toilet ;)
Beware the cat doesn't 'ride the swirlee'....
Stoney
"Designated Rascal and Rapscallion
and
SCAMPERMEISTER!"
When in doubt, SCAMPER about!
When things are fair, SCAMPER everywhere!
When things are rough, can't SCAMPER enough!
/end humour alert
alt.atheism military veteran #11
{so much for the 'no atheists in foxholes' rubbish}
.
|
|
|
| User: "Robibnikoff" |
|
| Title: Re: Rules for Cats |
05 May 2004 09:31:50 AM |
|
|
In article <7v6g90dg82iuj1gj5vckgjt5v0hclj1koq@4ax.com>, stoney says...
On Sun, 02 May 2004 17:41:11 GMT, Robibnikoff <nospam@newsranger.com>,
Message ID: <Xoalc.2562$H4.55@www.newsranger.com> wrote in alt.atheism;
In article <ulg890pvsqr586tdn3empgg3ffesm4clea@4ax.com>, stoney says...
On Tue, 27 Apr 2004 11:12:05 GMT, Robibnikoff <nospam@newsranger.com>,
Message ID: <9erjc.2175$H4.220@www.newsranger.com> wrote in alt.atheism;
In article <408e3741$0$614$cc9e4d1f@news.dial.pipex.com>, Jez says...
"stoney" <stoney@the.net> wrote in message
news:dsoq80p8ufbki937fp5vv3h6cq14uqmhpq@4ax.com...
http://www.insanepictures.com/jk.shtml?0006.htm
Rules for Cats
[]
My damned cats must have memorised that !!!
Great post !!
LOL - I agree. The part about the bathroom struck me funny as ever since I got
that little black kitten, my privacy has completely gone out the window. She
pushes the door right open (it doesn't close properly anyway), jumps around the
bathroom, jumps in my lap and then the second the toilet flushes, jumps up on
the seat and hangs on the edge with her head in the toilet watching the water go
down. Fallen in three time so far ;)
It's tail grabbing time........ :)
Naw, as she's almost a year old, she's on her own. While she's turning out to
be on the small side, she's not so small that she can't get out of a toilet ;)
Beware the cat doesn't 'ride the swirlee'....
Not to worry - She flies out rather quickly after falling in. It's hilarious.
My daughter's upset that she's never been there when it's happened. I told her,
"Well, you COULD just push her in the next time she's hanging over the edge when
her head in the toilet" ;)
Robyn
Resident Witchypoo & EAC Spellcaster
#1557
.
|
|
|
| User: "stoney" |
|
| Title: Re: Rules for Cats |
06 May 2004 03:05:58 PM |
|
|
On Wed, 05 May 2004 14:31:50 GMT, Robibnikoff <nospam@newsranger.com>,
Message ID: <qV6mc.2735$H4.198@www.newsranger.com> wrote in alt.atheism;
In article <7v6g90dg82iuj1gj5vckgjt5v0hclj1koq@4ax.com>, stoney says...
On Sun, 02 May 2004 17:41:11 GMT, Robibnikoff <nospam@newsranger.com>,
Message ID: <Xoalc.2562$H4.55@www.newsranger.com> wrote in alt.atheism;
In article <ulg890pvsqr586tdn3empgg3ffesm4clea@4ax.com>, stoney says...
On Tue, 27 Apr 2004 11:12:05 GMT, Robibnikoff <nospam@newsranger.com>,
Message ID: <9erjc.2175$H4.220@www.newsranger.com> wrote in alt.atheism;
In article <408e3741$0$614$cc9e4d1f@news.dial.pipex.com>, Jez says...
"stoney" <stoney@the.net> wrote in message
news:dsoq80p8ufbki937fp5vv3h6cq14uqmhpq@4ax.com...
http://www.insanepictures.com/jk.shtml?0006.htm
Rules for Cats
[]
My damned cats must have memorised that !!!
Great post !!
LOL - I agree. The part about the bathroom struck me funny as ever since I got
that little black kitten, my privacy has completely gone out the window. She
pushes the door right open (it doesn't close properly anyway), jumps around the
bathroom, jumps in my lap and then the second the toilet flushes, jumps up on
the seat and hangs on the edge with her head in the toilet watching the water go
down. Fallen in three time so far ;)
It's tail grabbing time........ :)
Naw, as she's almost a year old, she's on her own. While she's turning out to
be on the small side, she's not so small that she can't get out of a toilet ;)
Beware the cat doesn't 'ride the swirlee'....
Not to worry - She flies out rather quickly after falling in. It's hilarious.
My daughter's upset that she's never been there when it's happened. I told her,
"Well, you COULD just push her in the next time she's hanging over the edge when
her head in the toilet" ;)
Flavoured water....
Stoney
"Designated Rascal and Rapscallion
and
SCAMPERMEISTER!"
When in doubt, SCAMPER about!
When things are fair, SCAMPER everywhere!
When things are rough, can't SCAMPER enough!
/end humour alert
alt.atheism military veteran #11
{so much for the 'no atheists in foxholes' rubbish}
.
|
|
|
|
|
| User: "No 33 Secretary" |
|
| Title: Re: Rules for Cats |
04 May 2004 05:41:34 PM |
|
|
stoney <stoney@the.net> wrote in
news:7v6g90dg82iuj1gj5vckgjt5v0hclj1koq@4ax.com:
On Sun, 02 May 2004 17:41:11 GMT, Robibnikoff <nospam@newsranger.com>,
Message ID: <Xoalc.2562$H4.55@www.newsranger.com> wrote in
alt.atheism;
In article <ulg890pvsqr586tdn3empgg3ffesm4clea@4ax.com>, stoney
says...
On Tue, 27 Apr 2004 11:12:05 GMT, Robibnikoff
<nospam@newsranger.com>, Message ID:
<9erjc.2175$H4.220@www.newsranger.com> wrote in alt.atheism;
In article <408e3741$0$614$cc9e4d1f@news.dial.pipex.com>, Jez
says...
"stoney" <stoney@the.net> wrote in message
news:dsoq80p8ufbki937fp5vv3h6cq14uqmhpq@4ax.com...
http://www.insanepictures.com/jk.shtml?0006.htm
Rules for Cats
[]
My damned cats must have memorised that !!!
Great post !!
LOL - I agree. The part about the bathroom struck me funny as ever
since I got that little black kitten, my privacy has completely gone
out the window. She pushes the door right open (it doesn't close
properly anyway), jumps around the bathroom, jumps in my lap and
then the second the toilet flushes, jumps up on the seat and hangs
on the edge with her head in the toilet watching the water go down.
Fallen in three time so far ;)
It's tail grabbing time........ :)
Naw, as she's almost a year old, she's on her own. While she's
turning out to be on the small side, she's not so small that she can't
get out of a toilet ;)
Beware the cat doesn't 'ride the swirlee'....
Surf's up!
--
Terry Austin
www.hyperbooks.com
Campaign Cartographer now available
.
|
|
|
| User: "Robibnikoff" |
|
| Title: Re: Rules for Cats |
05 May 2004 08:26:30 AM |
|
|
In article <Xns94DF9FA36DDE0taustinhyperbookscom@216.168.3.50>, No 33 Secretary
says...
stoney <stoney@the.net> wrote in
news:7v6g90dg82iuj1gj5vckgjt5v0hclj1koq@4ax.com:
On Sun, 02 May 2004 17:41:11 GMT, Robibnikoff <nospam@newsranger.com>,
Message ID: <Xoalc.2562$H4.55@www.newsranger.com> wrote in
alt.atheism;
In article <ulg890pvsqr586tdn3empgg3ffesm4clea@4ax.com>, stoney
says...
On Tue, 27 Apr 2004 11:12:05 GMT, Robibnikoff
<nospam@newsranger.com>, Message ID:
<9erjc.2175$H4.220@www.newsranger.com> wrote in alt.atheism;
In article <408e3741$0$614$cc9e4d1f@news.dial.pipex.com>, Jez
says...
"stoney" <stoney@the.net> wrote in message
news:dsoq80p8ufbki937fp5vv3h6cq14uqmhpq@4ax.com...
http://www.insanepictures.com/jk.shtml?0006.htm
Rules for Cats
[]
My damned cats must have memorised that !!!
Great post !!
LOL - I agree. The part about the bathroom struck me funny as ever
since I got that little black kitten, my privacy has completely gone
out the window. She pushes the door right open (it doesn't close
properly anyway), jumps around the bathroom, jumps in my lap and
then the second the toilet flushes, jumps up on the seat and hangs
on the edge with her head in the toilet watching the water go down.
Fallen in three time so far ;)
It's tail grabbing time........ :)
Naw, as she's almost a year old, she's on her own. While she's
turning out to be on the small side, she's not so small that she can't
get out of a toilet ;)
Beware the cat doesn't 'ride the swirlee'....
Surf's up!
<chuckle> The little *****'s absolutely fascinated with water. She likes to
take naps in the upstairs bathroom sink and I REALLY have to restrain myself
from turning the water on just to see her reaction ;)
Robyn
Resident Witchypoo & EAC Spellcaster
#1557
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| User: "No 33 Secretary" |
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| Title: Re: Rules for Cats |
05 May 2004 11:28:48 AM |
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Robibnikoff <nospam@newsranger.com> wrote in
news:aY5mc.2722$H4.241@www.newsranger.com:
In article <Xns94DF9FA36DDE0taustinhyperbookscom@216.168.3.50>, No 33
Secretary says...
stoney <stoney@the.net> wrote in
news:7v6g90dg82iuj1gj5vckgjt5v0hclj1koq@4ax.com:
On Sun, 02 May 2004 17:41:11 GMT, Robibnikoff
<nospam@newsranger.com>, Message ID:
<Xoalc.2562$H4.55@www.newsranger.com> wrote in alt.atheism;
In article <ulg890pvsqr586tdn3empgg3ffesm4clea@4ax.com>, stoney
says...
On Tue, 27 Apr 2004 11:12:05 GMT, Robibnikoff
<nospam@newsranger.com>, Message ID:
<9erjc.2175$H4.220@www.newsranger.com> wrote in alt.atheism;
In article <408e3741$0$614$cc9e4d1f@news.dial.pipex.com>, Jez
says...
"stoney" <stoney@the.net> wrote in message
news:dsoq80p8ufbki937fp5vv3h6cq14uqmhpq@4ax.com...
http://www.insanepictures.com/jk.shtml?0006.htm
Rules for Cats
[]
My damned cats must have memorised that !!!
Great post !!
LOL - I agree. The part about the bathroom struck me funny as
ever since I got that little black kitten, my privacy has
completely gone out the window. She pushes the door right open
(it doesn't close properly anyway), jumps around the bathroom,
jumps in my lap and then the second the toilet flushes, jumps up
on the seat and hangs on the edge with her head in the toilet
watching the water go down. Fallen in three time so far ;)
It's tail grabbing time........ :)
Naw, as she's almost a year old, she's on her own. While she's
turning out to be on the small side, she's not so small that she
can't get out of a toilet ;)
Beware the cat doesn't 'ride the swirlee'....
Surf's up!
<chuckle> The little *****'s absolutely fascinated with water. She
likes to take naps in the upstairs bathroom sink and I REALLY have to
restrain myself from turning the water on just to see her reaction ;)
What would worry you more: A cat bomb exploding in your face, or purring?
--
Terry Austin
www.hyperbooks.com
Campaign Cartographer now available
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| User: "stoney" |
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| Title: Re: Rules for Cats |
06 May 2004 03:05:15 PM |
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On Tue, 04 May 2004 22:41:34 -0000, No 33 Secretary
<taustin+usenet@hyperbooks.com>, Message ID:
<Xns94DF9FA36DDE0taustinhyperbookscom@216.168.3.50> wrote in
alt.atheism;
stoney <stoney@the.net> wrote in
news:7v6g90dg82iuj1gj5vckgjt5v0hclj1koq@4ax.com:
On Sun, 02 May 2004 17:41:11 GMT, Robibnikoff <nospam@newsranger.com>,
Message ID: <Xoalc.2562$H4.55@www.newsranger.com> wrote in
alt.atheism;
In article <ulg890pvsqr586tdn3empgg3ffesm4clea@4ax.com>, stoney
says...
On Tue, 27 Apr 2004 11:12:05 GMT, Robibnikoff
<nospam@newsranger.com>, Message ID:
<9erjc.2175$H4.220@www.newsranger.com> wrote in alt.atheism;
In article <408e3741$0$614$cc9e4d1f@news.dial.pipex.com>, Jez
says...
"stoney" <stoney@the.net> wrote in message
news:dsoq80p8ufbki937fp5vv3h6cq14uqmhpq@4ax.com...
http://www.insanepictures.com/jk.shtml?0006.htm
Rules for Cats
[]
My damned cats must have memorised that !!!
Great post !!
LOL - I agree. The part about the bathroom struck me funny as ever
since I got that little black kitten, my privacy has completely gone
out the window. She pushes the door right open (it doesn't close
properly anyway), jumps around the bathroom, jumps in my lap and
then the second the toilet flushes, jumps up on the seat and hangs
on the edge with her head in the toilet watching the water go down.
Fallen in three time so far ;)
It's tail grabbing time........ :)
Naw, as she's almost a year old, she's on her own. While she's
turning out to be on the small side, she's not so small that she can't
get out of a toilet ;)
Beware the cat doesn't 'ride the swirlee'....
Surf's up!
Wet *****!
Stoney
"Designated Rascal and Rapscallion
and
SCAMPERMEISTER!"
When in doubt, SCAMPER about!
When things are fair, SCAMPER everywhere!
When things are rough, can't SCAMPER enough!
/end humour alert
alt.atheism military veteran #11
{so much for the 'no atheists in foxholes' rubbish}
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| User: "stoney" |
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| Title: Re: Rules for Cats |
01 May 2004 07:36:58 PM |
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On Tue, 27 Apr 2004 11:34:58 +0100, "Jez"
<iced_spear@AwaySPAMdsl.pipex.com>, Message ID:
<408e3741$0$614$cc9e4d1f@news.dial.pipex.com> wrote in alt.atheism;
"stoney" <stoney@the.net> wrote in message
news:dsoq80p8ufbki937fp5vv3h6cq14uqmhpq@4ax.com...
http://www.insanepictures.com/jk.shtml?0006.htm
Rules for Cats
I. DOORS
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on
hind legs and scratch the frame. You may also reach under the door and
pull clothing towards you; silks get the quickest reaction. Once door is
opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an
"outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several
things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, when
it's raining or snowing, or during the height of the mosquito season.
Swinging doors must be avoided at all costs.
II. CHAIRS AND RUGS
If you have to urp, get to an overstuffed chair quickly. If you cannot
manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there are no Oriental
rugs, shag is a good substitute. When urping on shag, be sure you
project; it is a must that it stretch for as long as a human's bare
foot.
III. BATHROOMS
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. (See Rule I) It is not
necessary to do anything - just sit and stare.
IV. HELPING
If one of your humans is engaged in some semi-closed activity and the
other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping"; humans
are known to refer to it as hampering". The following are the rules for
"helping": a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of
the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being
stepped on and then picked up and comforted. b) For book readers, get in
close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across
the book itself. c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work
in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or
at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often
reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to
distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery
and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans
may tell you. d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working
on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the
aim - to help! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged,
watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely,
roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability.
After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers
off the table, one at a time. e) When a human is holding the newspaper
in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love
to jump.
V. WALKING
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of
the human. Especially effective places to strike are: 1) On stairs, when
they have something in their arms; 2) In the dark; and 3) When they
first get up in the morning. This exercise helps with improving their
coordination skills.
VI. BEDTIME
Always sleep on the human at night. If there are two (or more) of you,
book end the human putting off the greatest heat. They will try and
squirm but your sheer numbers and inert bodies will effectively keep
them pinned.
VII. COMPUTERS
1: Only show interest in computers that are turned ON, the operator will
need your help.
2: Monitors are bad for human eyes. It might ruin your owner's sight and
cause them to buy less cat food. Always get in between the monitor and
the person operating the computer. For best results, stands as close to
the monitor as possible. If you are removed, go and sulk in a corner for
a minute, then repeat. Look as innocent as possible.
3: Keyboards are great to lie down on. Make yourself as comfortable as
possible. Marching over the keyboard several times is fun too. Practice
aiming at alt-F4, N, and ctrl-alt-del.
4: Always chase the mouse. Your owner can't blame you for this, since
it's your feline instinct to chase mice.
5: Floppy disk make great scratching posts. Nothing beats floppies when
it's time to sharpen your nails.
/end
My damned cats must have memorised that !!!
Indeed.
Great post !!
I thought people would get a kick from it.
Stoney
"Designated Rascal and Rapscallion
and
SCAMPERMEISTER!"
When in doubt, SCAMPER about!
When things are fair, SCAMPER everywhere!
When things are rough, can't SCAMPER enough!
/end humour alert
alt.atheism military veteran #11
{so much for the 'no atheists in foxholes' rubbish}
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