I'm sorry. This is just a little more "release" in the saga that is
my life. This one isn't "angry" like the last one, though. I think
I'm in a much calmer, less angst-riddled place. And I really don't
need any replies, though they are more than welcomed if you wish to
post such. I just have to feel like there might possibly be someone,
somewhere in the world who is hearing what I'm saying and who actually
gives a damn, who might actually understand it and who may even
possibly be helped by seeing someone else in their shoes. Whether
there is or not, I don't need to know. That there "might" be is all
that matters.
I'm not sure how much there is to say with this one, though. I've
just suddenly slammed myself smack dab into the middle of an entire
'wall' of pent-up "suppression". Memories, I mean - suppressed
memories. It's the oddest thing. I remember it all so clearly now,
but yet I've never really forgotten. It's not that the memories were
unavailable to me, it's that some part of my mind would steer my
thought processes "around" them - like a "detour" of sorts. I was
keenly aware of them at all times on _some_ quasi-conscious sub-level,
but was so used to just ignoring that awareness that for all practical
intents and purposes, they were truly "forgotten" memories. That _is_
what a true suppressed memory is, isn't it? I'd bet the bank on it.
Had a psychologist helped me "uncover" these memories, I might be
suspicious. But this was just out of the blue. A six-gun stunner if
ever I saw one. Smack dab right between the eyes. I'm still in
somewhat of a dazed shock. So I hope I'm writing this clearly enough
to be understood. It's hard to tell when you're feeling like this.
I hate the person who I remember, and yet I don't want to tell anyone
who it is or what I remember them doing. My family would never
believe it, so I'm not even going to open up that particular can of
worms (and no, it's not the child molesting flat Earther I'd mentioned
in posts past - my family would have no problem believing _that_). It
would be pointless now, anyway, because the person I remember is no
longer a threat to anyone. Otherwise I'd _have_ to name them openly
and in a court room. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if they
could still hurt someone else and ended up doing so because of my
silence.
I'm just trying to work up the nerve to talk to my sister about it. I
don't know if she knows or not. I've never really let myself get
close to my family, I was always afraid of committing to any of them
emotionally because so often when I did, I got nothing but crap in
return (it wasn't deliberate crap, of course, because they didn't know
that they were cutting me down with every biting remark against gay
people - but it was crap just the same).
Oh, how I remembered... It's pretty awful, really. I was downloading
images from some of the binary newsgroups. I do that from time to
time. Yes, I'm referring to porn, so I might just as well say it
bluntly. I don't always have time to check the pictures then and
there. So my hard drive has a kind of "queue" that builds up until I
sort the pictures out among the good, the bad and the just plain ugly.
=-# I have no way of knowing which image came from which message or
when, because Agent downloads them all automatically and saves them
all in the same initial "quarantine" directory until I review them and
it generally purges the messages from the binary groups long before I
ever get to look at the attachments. I don't keep up with it nearly
as often as I should.
Mixed in among these images I found - as occasionally happens - the
image of a child. Or at least someone who was airbrushed to _look_
like a child, I'm really not sure. It might have been real or a
manipulation. But this particular child looked _very_ familiar, and
that image in that context was all it took to bring it all back as
crystal clear as a true vacuum. To be honest, I'm somewhat stunned
that my computer is still functional after that happened. My reaction
was so extreme that I literally couldn't move, if you can understand
such a thing. It would not have surprised me in the least to watch my
hands - seemingly of their own volition - lift up the tower and the
monitor and pitch them out the window. I'm glad that _didn't_ happen,
but that's where my mind was at during that crucial moment. Then when
I could finally start moving again, the only thing I could do was go
on about my business like nothing happened until finally, "my
business" was all done and I had a chance to _force_ myself to face
it.
Assuming it was a genuine image and not a manipulation, the boy very
well could have been the boy I grew up with that looked like him. My
neighborhood was literally _festering_ with child molesters during my
childhood, and the more I remember of it the more rampant I realize
the sickness was. These days, I'm beginning to think _everybody's_
neighborhood is infested with 'em. I don't know if I know anyone face
to face who hasn't eventually revealed that they were abused either
physically, psychologically or sexually as children. At least not
anyone over 50.
Oh, but for to know hitherto we goest from hence...
(Something my Pennsylvania Dutch grandma might have said once, which
loosely translates into early 21st century American English as, "Oh,
how I wish I knew where we were going from here...")
Don't worry about me, I'm still in a "safe" place. Just got a few
more rats and boll weevils and cockroaches and such to exterminate
before that safe place can actually be useful again. I think I'm
finally able to get all this crud out because I've finally made the
decision that I want to be a father, and I absolutely _REFUSE_ to
become a father (since I have a choice about it and all) with all this
excess baggage affecting my own behavior. My "biological clock" is
working overtime, performing in a most peculiar "synergy" with my
psyche to clear out all the crud I otherwise would _never_ have wanted
to deal with.
I _will_ not be a daddy until I am _fit_ to be a daddy. What a
wondrously bizarre "self-motivation" for becoming "well", eh? :-?
Gee, maybe I shoulda' tried this in my twenties, but then in my
twenties, I couldn't stand the notion of <shudder> "children". Up
until a year or two ago, I really thought I was going to be a
confirmed "child free" kind of dude. But ya' know? I want to bring a
little "me" into the world, and this time, I want to try and raise me
_right_. ;-) Ah, but I suppose that's the Holy Grail of parenting,
isn't it? :-?
Anyway, thanks for listening. Y'all take care now, ya hear? Oh, and
*please* be good to each other. ;-)
--
L8r,
Bill, The Avender
~.~.~-~*~=~*~=~.~*~-~=~*~=~.~
I once teased my hair so much
that it took out a protective
order against me...
~.~.~-~*~=~*~=~.~*~-~=~*~=~.~
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