http://www.theregister.co.uk/2005/11/23/xmas_copier_emergency/
Canon braces for arse-induced copier carnage
Xmas 'Rear-end' copying: the chilling truth
By Lester Haines
Published Wednesday 23rd November 2005 15:22 GMT
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In case you hadn't noticed, Xmas, aka The Holiday Season as it is known
down at Wal-Mart, is almost upon us. As ever, it is a time for good
cheer, good will to all men and a good skinful of alcohol followed by
an attempt to reproduce a likeness of one's buttocks on the office
photocopier.
Of course, it's the stuff of legend that the photocopier's glass plate
then has to break, jamming the machine with a half-resolved image of
someone's backside while they explain to unimpressed A&E staff why they
need 63 stitches in their arse on Xmas Eve.
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Well, it's all horribly true, as a hot-off-the-press Canon press
release reveals - chronicling the Yuletide travails of the company's
600 highly-trained engineeers as they struggle to cope with a surge in
"non-work-related" festive copier breakdowns.
What Canon means by "non-work-related" mostly revolves around the
aforementioned "rear-end copying". Engineers report a 25 per cent
increase in emergency call-outs over Xmas, and 32 per cent of the
long-suffering copier Flying Squad has at some time repaired shattered
glass.
Mind you, there's more to a Canon engineer's life than extracting a
grainy likeness of Maureen from Human Resources' posterior from a
wrecked, beer-soaked machine. Midlands-based David Salt explained: "I
had to repair a machine after a customer had held their pet cat down on
copy glass and copied it," while Dan Hunt of the South West admitted:
"I had to repair a machine that had its copy board glass smashed at a
military base. They eventually admitted that it had fallen out the back
door of their Chinook Helicopter."
Items retrieved from ailing copiers make interesting reading too: mice,
a sleeping cat, spiders, a crab, a swarm of bees, a cockroach, a snake,
a kitchen knife, a sausage roll , stockings, dominoes, and a cheque for
=A36,000.
Ah yes, and a vibrator and a condom. Now that must have been one hell
of an office party. =AE
Bootnote
We understand that Canon has recently increased its glass plate
thickness from 4 to 5mm, and accordingly expects a reduction in
arse-induced failure. No, that is not an invitation for drunken
pressure testing. Behave yourselves.
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