| Topic: |
Religions > Atheism |
| User: |
"Jez" |
| Date: |
19 Mar 2005 12:29:38 AM |
| Object: |
OTish: Creationism: The Real Story (satire) |
I guess apologies to the Ladies ...........
Creationism: The Real Story
By James Boyne (a satire)
http://www.opednews.com/boyne_031505_creationism.htm
Creationism: 20,000 years ago God created the universe. He did Earth
in 7 days---first he did the frame; then the water; then the dirt; then
the air; then the trees and plants (the landscaping); then the animals,
fishies and birdies; and then the guy and the girl, Adam and Eve, He
named them.
He gave Adam a pee pee to make him a man. Adam got lonely, for obvious
reasons; started to fall into a deep depression.
God took a rib from Adam. He ripped it right out of Adams chest; no
anesthesia or nothing. God put it in some water with some Miracle Grow
or something and he created Eve. This means that God Himself cloned Eve
from Adam’s rib. God also liked to do “stem cell research” in His spare
time. And to Eve, He gave a wee wee to make her a woman. He made them to
be about 30 years old according to the most recently available
photographs of them of which there are numerous reprints in most
Christian schools.
The pee pee, in combination with the wee wee worked out good (or well,
depending on the proper use of English). Adam could now be a man; and
Eve was given the right to be a woman, if she behaved and didn’t get out
of hand, or start to have hot flashes and freak out once a month.
God created the menstrual cycle for Eve. He gave her cramps. It was a
mess. And sometimes Eve could be a real *****. Adam could never
understand it.
The menstrual cycle was one of God’s master achievements. The only way
Eve could get rid of her damn menstrual cycle was to let Adam and his
pee pee come in direct contact with her wee wee which resulted in her
menstrual cycle shutting down for 9 months. However, the alternative of
giving birth was hardly a welcome trade off.
The menstrual cycle was one of God’s crowning glories of mis-design----a
true engineering disaster. It is responsible for more lost human
productivity, lost wages, lost work, and spontaneous outbursts of rage
and violence than any other of God’s mistakes. It does accomplish one
very important thing----it keeps men “in check”. It is the one thing
that makes a man “back off”-----a woman who can flip out for no reason.
God was going to give Man a menstrual cycle also but when He drew up the
plans, at the last minute, being that this was the time of Creationism,
he decided to give Adam some testicles instead. God can do anything He
wants. He’s God. So God just said, “Let there be a menstrual cycle” and
it just happened. And then He said, “Let there be testicles” and it just
happened. This is Creationism at its most basic. All Christians should
be taught this.
Note: The human spine was God’s second biggest design failure. Some say
that the real reason that God has not come back to Earth is because He
would have a multi-trillion dollar, class action lawsuit slapped against
Him for the almost criminally incompetent design of the human spine.
Anyone who has taken Electricity 101 knows that you don’t snake a
million little electrical wires (with no color codes) through a liquid
medium where they come in contact with each other and with sharp objects
like bones. I mean, what was God thinking ! Oh well, let’s get back to
Adam and Eve.
Anyway, they lived near a big apple tree and a snake came by that was
really the Devil but he spoke good English. The snake spoke to Eve and
said, "Eat the apple if you want to be happy". The Devil was some kind
of local fresh fruit salesman so Eve did not suspect that this was a
trick to see if she could be lured into the mortal sin of eating an
apple. She had also been told to eat lots of fruits and vegetables all
her life (ever since she was Created at the age of 30), and to eat a
balanced diet so she just did not know the snake was the Devil in
disguise.. She thought it was just some ordinary snake giving her a hard
time about not eating apples.
Eve tried to resist but how can you NOT eat an apple when a snake speaks
real good English and tells you not to eat the apple. It's like telling
a woman to NOT eat the chocolates on St. Valentines Day. Adam just stood
around looking suspicious. So Eve went and took a bite out of the nice
red apple.
At that point God got really mad because this was all just a "set up" to
see if Eve, the one with the wee wee, could resist the commands of the
Devil who was disguised as a snake. So God yelled out from up in Heaven,
"Eve, you have sinned, you ate the feakin' apple".
Adam said, "Holy *****, Eve, look what you've done now. Christ, our goose
is cooked". God made Adam an accomplice of Eve's and He cast them out of
the Garden of Eden which was a pretty nice garden back in those days
(which is where the term "garden apartments comes from).
From there it was all down hill for the two of them. All of a sudden
they had to start wearing clothes and stuff. Eve had two sons named Cain
and Able (they didn't have last names because they were the first people
on Earth and God didn't give them a birth certificate or anything; not
even a Social Security number).
Eve never had any girls with wee wee's; just the two boys with the pee
pee things. Figure that one out?
Cain got in a big fight with Able one day and Cain killed Able which
enabled Jeffrey Archer, a British novelist, to write a best selling book
and call it Cain and Able. I read the book. It was one of my favorite
and it had nothing to do with Adam and Eve; just a story of two brothers.
Oh yeah, by this time Adam had been laid off from his job as "first
human being on Earth, CEO"; God revoked his pension and cancelled his
health care insurance (and they didn't have COBRA back in those days).
He eventually got injured real bad when Eve clobbered him in a domestic
dispute involving the two boys who were older now and still hadn't moved
out of the house but were allegedly on drugs, using up what little money
Adam had saved when he was employed as "first human being on Earth,
CEO". Eventually, it is believed Adam and Eve got divorced. No one
really knows how we evolved since that time since Evolution doesn’t
exist, only Creationism, and God wasn't in the business of creating one
person after another, after another, after another. It’s tiring. So God
gave us two choices: we could use the wee wee and the pee pee to
reproduce if we didn’t mind dealing with the whole menstrual cycle mess;
or we could clone each other and keep it nice and clean and simple.
As humans we failed to discover cloning for thousands of years and so
stuck with the old fashion routine of actual physical contact between
pee pee and wee wee.
About 18,000 years later Jesus Christ was born. Jesus didn't have a
father because his mother was a Virgin. The neighborhood decided to call
her the Blessed Virgin Mary. No one could hardly believe it, so they
started to make statues of Mary with little water plates on them so
birds could come down and get a drink of water on the Mary statutes.
Most of the Blessed Virgin Mary statutes are in the front yards of
Italians living mainly on Long Island, New York today. No one knows why?
Oh yeah, Mary married a much older guy named Saint Joseph. He became a
saint because he was old and Mary was pretty good looking and young. And
Saint Joseph never had sex with Mary, even though she got pregnant.
Saint Joseph was quiet. He never said much. No one knows where he
worked. But one night he and Mary took off on a donkey to make a
thousand mile trip through the desert. It was considered normal behavior
back in those days. There was no "slow speed car chase" to head off
Saint Joseph before he reached the Sinai/Egypt border.
Everyone just said, "Oh, there goes the older man with the pregnant
teenage girl; off on a nice 1000 mile vacation on a donkey. Isn't that
nice" The Blessed Virgin Mary tried to cover it all up because she knew
she would be stoned to death if her folks ever found out she was
pregnant. Rumors had it that Joe didn't even really do it. It was some
teenager next door who was the real father of Jesus, but he took off
like a "bat out of Hell" when Mary told him she had missed her period.
Then of course, the whole story got out of hand, which is where we are
today.
And that's where the story ends of how God created the world. It's
called Creationism.
Here's another one: Once upon a time there was a little girl named
Goldilocks. She lived in the woods in a cabin with her Grandmother. In a
nearby cabin lived some bears that ate porridge everyday. A papa bear,
momma bear, and 3 baby bears. No wait. It was a big bad wolf that lived
nearby; and the wolf was hiding behind a tree dressed as Goldilocks
grandmother. That's it. And the big, bad wolf actually tied the little,
old grandmother up, taped her mouth shut and shoved her in the closet.
They he took the grandmothers dress, put her stockings on, and an old
wig he found on the dresser. Then the wolf hopped in bed and hid under
the covers. Goldilocks came in and the big, bad wolf said, “Hi,
Goldilocks, I’m your grandmother”; to which Goldilocks replied, “Yeah,
and I’m the Blessed Virgin Mary. Now, get the f---- out of the bed and
get the hell out of my house.” The wolf was a cross dresser; and a
damned good one because Goldilocks almost thought the wolf was really
her grandmother at first and......................…………………………….they lived
happily ever after.
Matthew: Psalm IV: Verse 24 from the Book of Creationism.
Luke: Psalm VXI: Verse 63 from the Book of Ludicrous.
Footnote: In the Bible, the word used for the pee pee was originally
“the doodle” however, through the centuries “doodle” came to represent a
word of vulgarity, hence, “doodle” is never, ever allowed---not in any
version of the Bible and not even on TV during prime time hours.
Conclusion: Evolution can be proven because in the year 2000 we have
electrical sockets and plugs called "the male plug" and "the female
socket". These two items which can be purchased in any local Ace
Hardware Store, evolved from Adam and Eve themselves. It is direct proof
that the wee wee and the pee pee that God Himself designed and created
at the time of Creationism eventually evolved through the process of
Evolution into the modern day electrical apparatus. So, the next time
you are in at Home Depot ask the clerk "can you tell my where I would
find the pee pee and the wee wee" and they will know exactly what you
are talking about. So help me God !
________________________________________________________________________________________
:)
--
Jez
'Realism is seductive because once you have accepted the reasonable
notion that you should base your actions on reality, you are too often
led to accept, without much questioning, someone else's version of what
that reality is. It is a crucial act of independent thinking to be
skeptical of someone else's description of reality.'-
Howard Zinn
NFS Underground2, Americas Army And MOH-PA
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| User: "Vic Sagerquist" |
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| Title: Re: OTish: Creationism: The Real Story (satire) |
19 Mar 2005 05:06:25 AM |
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On 18 Mar 2005, Jez dropped trou, farted, whirled, then shouted:
Funny post, thanks. This part has always bothered me.
God took a rib from Adam. He ripped it right out of Adams chest; no
anesthesia or nothing. God put it in some water with some Miracle Grow
or something and he created Eve. This means that God Himself cloned Eve
from Adam's rib
If the god could create a man from mud, why couldn't he just do it again
and make a woman? Perhaps this paraphrases the mentality of those who
wrote the bible, womanizers that they were. Hell, they probably weren't
far from clubbing them and dragging them into the cave by the hair.
And civilized people believe this crap?
....scary.
--
Vic Sagerquist
aa#2011
Supervisor, EAC Department of little adhesive-backed "L" shaped
chrome-plastic doo-dads to add feet to Jesus fish department
Plonked by Jason Gastrich for all eternity...
______________
As you were, I was. As I am, you will be.
--- Hunter S. Thompson
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| User: "stoney" |
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| Title: Re: OTish: Creationism: The Real Story (satire) |
22 Mar 2005 04:33:32 PM |
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On Fri, 18 Mar 2005 23:06:25 -0600, Vic Sagerquist
<address@withheld.com> wrote:
On 18 Mar 2005, Jez dropped trou, farted, whirled, then shouted:
Funny post, thanks. This part has always bothered me.
God took a rib from Adam. He ripped it right out of Adams chest; no
anesthesia or nothing. God put it in some water with some Miracle Grow
or something and he created Eve. This means that God Himself cloned Eve
from Adam's rib
If the god could create a man from mud, why couldn't he just do it again
and make a woman? Perhaps this paraphrases the mentality of those who
wrote the bible, womanizers that they were. Hell, they probably weren't
far from clubbing them and dragging them into the cave by the hair.
And civilized people believe this crap?
...scary.
Civilized?
--
Contempt of Congress meter reading-offscale.
Hello, theocracy with a fundamentalist US Supreme
Court who will ensure church and state are joined
at the hip like clergy and altar boys.
America 1776-Jan 2001 RIP
Religion is the original war crime.
-Michelle Malkin (Feb 26, 2005)
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