I ain't talking furniture polish, here. From the loving folks at the
Landover Baptist Church (http://www.landoverbaptist.org/ -- IT'S A
PARODY SITE, FOLKS!!)
Pray the Pledge 11 Step Checklist:
1. If you are not assigned seats in your class, follow the scent of
garlic and find a place to sit near some foreign looking student who has
swarthy skin that reminds you of anything from either a chunk of coal or
a little stray pooty left behind in the whirlpool of toilet water. It
is safe to assume that the parents of these students have already wasted
a good part of their lives indoctrinating them with a dangerous,
made-up, false religion.
2. Before the Pledge begins, if your little classmates haven't noticed
that you have your hands folded in prayer, not over your heart, bring it
to their attention. If you are bold enough, right before the class gets
ready to say the Pledge of Allegiance - shout, "Dear Lord Jesus. . ."
and then continue with the rest of the class in unison, "I pledge of
allegiance to the flag. . ." This will serve as a testimony to your
teacher and the other students, that you are acknowledging that the
Pledge of Allegiance is a prayer - right from the start. If the teacher
pauses for any reason in the Pledge, look at one of your unsaved
classmates and yell, "I feel a victory coming on! Yes, Jesus!" And be
sure to end the Pledge with "A-men" as well. You will be surprised how
fast it catches on!
3. After the pledge is over, we suggest thanking one or more of your odd
looking classmates for joining you in public prayer. This should raise
their curiosity.
4. Begin to ask them what it feels like to be a Christian. They may, at
first, resist your entreaties, claiming to know what you are so-called
"up to." Wear them down any way you can. Finally, when they openly
admit that they are not Christians, but actually embrace a false
religion, like Hindu, Buddhist, or Muslim - this is your opportunity to
feign the look of surprise. Try to look as puzzled as you can. Ask them
directly why they just falsely stated during the Pledge of Allegiance
that they are under your Christian God, but just now admitted that they
are not. Tell them you don't appreciate liars and neither will the
principal when he gets your note.
5. More often than not, they will probably respond by saying something
about "God" being universal, and it can mean whatever they want it to
mean. If you can avoid the natural Christian impulse of laughing right
out loud in their freshly-slapped faces, take the opportunity to sternly
correct them and give them a short history lesson about how there were
no Muslims, Hindus, Atheists, or Jews among the Pilgrims or Founding
Fathers. Indeed, the Pilgrims were forced to turn on each other until
they met the heathen, naked, alcoholic Injuns.
6. Take it a step further and begin to raise your voice slightly. Make
it absolutely clear to them that there were no Muslims, Jews or Hindus
who gave their lives to create the country that they are sitting in
right now. And if their foreign parents want to raise them under a false
God, then keep it at home - because Jesus runs THIS classroom!
7. At this point, understand that you have planted a seed of faith, and
it should be harvested immediately! Be careful though! Avoid getting too
excited. Don't spill the beans and tell them all they're going straight
to Hell. Although this is true, we suggest you break it to them gently
by reaching into your desk and slowly pulling out your Bible. Do not
break eye contact with your potential converts even if you have to grab
a tuft of their filthy, unwashed hair to hold them in place!
8. Refer to your Bible as "The Holy Book" and open it slowly like you
are expecting the Lord to come out from between the pages and pounce on
your soon-to-be-Christian friends. Most foreign trash is very
superstitious and will probably become bug-eyed, and possibly soil their
drawers, in the face of your new, mysterious powers.. Tell them that
this Holy Book says that every single religion in the whole wide world
is a false religion. Except for yours.
9. At this point, tell the students that you will be highly offended and
consider it a hate crime against your religion if they do not do you the
courtesy of bowing their heads and shutting their eyes and repeating
after you.
10. Here is your window of opportunity - before anyone has a chance to
open their mouth, start to pray this prayer and refuse to be
interrupted: Poppa God, My Father in Heaven, we've just finished praying
the Pledge of Allegiance to You. Everyone here openly acknowledges that
we are not members of one nation under Allah or Buddha, or some other
false god but we are one nation under YOU! You are God, the Father and
through your Son, Jesus Christ, we acknowledge the sovereignty and
ultimate authority of our Christian Nation above all other nations on
earth. If any of us here are unsaved, we ask Jesus Christ to come into
our hearts and stomp out the demons of Hindu, the demons of Allah, the
fat little demons of Buda, and if we are Jewish, we ask you to forgive
us for killing your Son and for Barbra Streisand. A-men.
11. If your classmates just prayed that prayer, it means they're saved.
Take down their names and addresses and phone numbers immediately. Ask
to be dismissed from class. Find a pay phone and call your pastor* with
the information so that he can call their parents and tell them the good
news - that someone just paid a ransom for their little children and
they have been delivered forever into the unbreakable clutches of the
Living God. If your pastor knows what he is doing, he will also want to
use this opportunity to lead some confused parents to Christ. Before you
know it, you will have assisted in securing a hoard of eager, tithing
church members to your local church roster.
*Note: Do not call your pastor collect. It is appropriate in cases like
this to ask your teacher or a classmate for some change to make a phone
call. Tell them you have an emergency and Jesus wants you to call your
pastor right away.
--
Gregory Gadow
techbear@serv.net
http://www.serv.net/~techbear
"If you make yourself a sheep, the wolves will eat you."
-- Benjamin Franklin
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