Yeah, I am here unfortunately, but I am here. It is still hard living and
thinking about the past and what I could have done to prevent all this crap
from happening. I still have stuff that reminds me of things that we did
together and it really hurts. What really hurts most is that she is
purposely screening calls to avoid me. I feel as if I have been betrayed.
I really did want to send that check back to her and tell her to put it
where the sun don't shine, cause as far as she is concerned (and me,
emotionally), I am dead. I really want to put on the envelope "return to
sender, addressee deceased", but when I told my therp, she said that it
would totally bury the relationship, like I really give a damn. As far as I
am concerned, it is over. Besides, why the hell would SHE care anyway??
She should be glad if I kill myself. So you see, it would be a win-win
situation for everyone. I think her mom would be dancing on my grave too.
If only I would have a grave, my idea of burial is to just to throw my body
in the lake, with an anchor to make sure I don't pop up again. I even left
gory details on her mom's answering machine that night. How there was going
to be blood and stuff. I
don't regret that b/c she asked for and certainly deserved that for the
nasty email that she sent me. Boy, what a ***** she is.

I don't know. I guess I just want to hurt them as much as they hurt me. If
only my therp made me promise not to kill myself... Damn her. How can she
expect that of me? That is a really unfair request, seeing how horrible my
life is going. It seems like I take one step forward, and end up 1 step
back, like all the time!! I even try to catch up w/ my bills by working
some ot, but it never works out that way, b/c 5 more bills come in to add on
top of the pile. See why I want to end it all?????? Life is not fair and I
don't like that I have to be part of it. I hate it when people tell me to
"deal with it". No, dickheads, YOU deal with it, I'M checking outta here.
Why should it matter anyway? It is my life and I can do whatever I want
with it, right??? It is not anyone else's business but my own. Besides, I
am a psycho, (at least I can imagine people thinking that) so that is one
other reason to kill myself. You know, I used to give a damn about
everything and anything. Now, I don't care. I don't care what happens to
me or what I do, consequences be damned. I am too emotionally drained and
fed up with crap in my life to care. Why should it matter that I am here.
I am just 1 person out of billions and billions on this planet. In fact, I
hate my pathetic life so much that I would do anything to trade places with
someone who died that had a family to support. I have nobody, save for my
mom and my bunny, and I am nobody, so I just don't feel I matter. Besides,
I don't do anything for this world but take up air and food and clothes that
is better spent on someone else more deserving of me. This really sucks. I
hate making promises that are too hard to keep. What a mistake it was
seeking more counseling. I am helpless and hopeless. That is probably why
I don't have a boyfriend or really any close friends anymore. Everyone has
abandoned me b/c I am worthless and too depressing.

Sorry to ramble on and complain. Sorry to waste precious bandwidth on
something so stupid. Thanks for reading and asking about me. I just wish
life was better, but I guess I have to face the fact that I probably will
never be happy again. Guess I don't deserve it.

Amy (the psycho who just wants to be happy again)