this one's got Bombsaway Bob The Pervert's name on it:
Chapter XX State of the Jafonion
The others smelled the stench of burning before they saw the smoke or
acknowledged the flames that are Jafo's stock in trade. And where
there was smoke of that unnatural nature, there was Jafo.
They'd rushed from the outhouse back to the living aka undead room,
only to find Jafo half burnt alive like an Iraqi schoolboy, only less
educated, having fallen asleep while the Spankodin hotrail device Jafo
had most recently and succulently deployed was still bubbling.
Oh, the lack of humanity ! They hurriedly set about doing the right
thing, hiding the evidence of what really happened the way bipartisan
stooges are wont to do, before the law arrived. To the extent that it
later appeared Jafo had been firing off yet another flame on
alt.california and not toasting his brain on Spanko fumes, their
deception was a resounding success.
"Apparently, this ignited the valve assembly on his classic Jeff Gannon
blow-up love seat..." The Pervert aka Bombsaway Bob later volunteered.
"You know, I served my country by violently incinerating more children
than I can count in Viet Nam, so I know about these things, Fire
injuries, melted uniforms and ninth-degree burns to the bone. I still
have the call signs to prove it!"
"Thank you, Mr Pervert, we'll call you if we need you," was the
investigating officer's terse reply. What he was really thinking was,
"Why doesn't that fat ugly mass murderer shut the hell up if he wants
to stay out of jail?"
"What about the head injuries?"
The Pervert, for all his 390 lbs of associated body lard, was thinking
on his feet when he rejoined, "Oh that... THAT ? Why didn't you say so
? Heehee. Jafo had been doing a lot of HARD THINKING of late!"
A short silence ensued, during which the inspector appeared to be
tearing up all his notes.
"When will the ambulance be coming?" enquired The Mimi, disengaging The
Pervert's fleshy nipple from her ventral word processing aperture.
"It won't be, not in this life time. Turns out Mister... Jafo was not
uh, as we say, heavily insured" replied the investigator, sniffing the
air in suspicion of further felonious matters to investigate without a
warrant. "In case I forget to mention it later, has anyone here been
smoking. . . Spankodin?"
"Never mind that," croaked DCI. "As next of kin, I can assure you that
Dirty Uncle Jafo was a paid-up member of one of America's finest Health
Maintenance Organizations!"
"Fat load of good it'll do him. Although I am not permitted to give
you legal advice, you ought read the fine print in the standard-issue
policy," was the inspector's perfunctory rejoinder. "Basically, it
covers ***** ***** all. No point in a feeding tube here, anyway. Your
boy's as good as dead."
"How were we to know that?" lamented DCI, twittering his wings like a
cricket before take-off. "My Evil Nephew Jafo always paid his minimum
monthly installment in a timely fashion. He was punctual in that as in
all his numerous other bowel movements. And a fine upstanding
American!"
"I see what you mean about upstanding," murmured the inspector, on his
way out the door, "Just take a look at his --[censored] Even in near
death. Quite impressive, for a closet fairy."
That much was true. Jafo had nearly died on them again, but he had
done so this time with at least parts of his anatomy standing at full
attention, an only partially shopworn 2.5" Most of his skin however
was now charred to a crisp, as if he'd just given a ***** to his old
junior college room-mate Willy Pete.
"He looks almost peaceful with a tan," was The Pervert's best attempt
at making small talk after the forensic guy had departed, taking one of
Jafo's favorite bald-point penises with him for lab analysis.
"That's not a nice thing to say about Jafo," rasped DCI. "He was never
one to obtain a tan by exposure to any form of radiant light. Even new
ideas were anathema to him."
"Wouldn't be prudent!" nodded The Pervert, annoyingly like one of his
folk heroes.
"Why are you referring to Jafo in the past tense, DCI ? It's not like
he's actually dead or anything, is it?" was Stain de STD(aka omareno el
moron aka Duly Appointed)'s instinctive contribution
"Well, now you come to mention it, no."
"Then, and also because myself having had yet another near-miss with
incarceration for what society insists on calling war crimes I <ahem>
may have committed..." and here The Pervert paused to draw breath,
beaming lasciviously at Mimi, whose steering column he expected to
penetrate at any moment, "Let the festivities continue!"
And so they did.
<to be continued>
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