On Thu, 27 Oct 2005 19:34:57 -0700, "_ G O D _" <demigod1@sprint.ca>
wrote:

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Stand by Your Man
The brains behind the outlaw website ilovekarlrove.com
offers advice for wives of the soon to be indicted.
by Virginia Wade
www.ilovekarlrove.com

http://www.radaronline.com/web-only/how-to/2005/10/stand-by-your-man.php

Y'all can keep your hard-teated Hollywood pretty boys-the Brads, the
Matts, the
various Culkins. One might make for tasty arm candy while you're strutting
the red
carpet at this month's Mauve Ribbons for Uvula Disease gala benefit, but
it's even
money that Angelina Jolie's newest adoptee is gonna be calling him "Daddy"
before
your evening's Brazilian gets a chance to stubble up.
Nope-a sensible li'l filly prefers herself a big ol' solid slab of GOP
politico prime
rib. He may be sporting a fish-belly "Capitol Hill tan" or not have gotten
around to
shedding the Junior Senator 15, but after a day of wrangling bills and
roping torts,
your average family values bronco is just bucking for a roquefort steak at
the Foggy
Bottom Prime Rib and a sweaty bout of git-along-little-doggie until it's
time to
watch Sean Hannity. Your red-state Romeo may like it well-done on the
Senate floor,
but it's raw back at the split-level, and there ain't no Paris Hiltons
slinking in to
poach him in the dead of night.
Problem is, a special prosecutor probably will.
Sad but true, the Beltway good ole boys are being cuffed, stuffed, and
indicted at a
NASCARian pace, and we, their devoted pit crew, can do little but Vaseline
our teeth
and wave to the cameras as if we were still Miss Omaha Pit Beef 1988.
It just cracks my fragile heart to imagine what Mrs. DeLay is going
through at home,
her once-full toolbox now without its hefty Hammer.
It just cracks my fragile heart to imagine what Mrs. DeLay is going
through at home,
her once-full toolbox now without its hefty Hammer. Sure, he's been
released from the
state's hospitality pending trial for campaign money-laundering, but
freedom has its
price. Ten thousand dollars bail is still a Texas-size chunk of change,
even if you're,
oh, say, a former Senate majority leader's wife and daughter who have
reportedly
earned half a million dollars working for a political organization
somewhat (ahem)
close to home.
And keep in mind all the long, hard, prison-widowed nights in front of the
Home
Shopping Network that are looming overhead, all Damoclesian. Hubby Tom
might be
snoozing comfily in the Barcalounger right now, but should justice's
hammer not swing
his way come trial time, quite likely the hand gently cradling his family
assets will
not be his own, nor so very gentle. And that's a heck of a load to expect
one's godly
ex-cheer-squad wife to have to swallow!
Still, appearances must be kept up, pantsuits pressed, coifs Aqua-Netted,
and
mood-stabilizers popped. In this age of unnervingly instant access, every
bloggerista
with a cable modem and a camera phone thinks he's Edward R. Gosh-Darned
Murrow, and
he's sure to broadcast every last split acrylic end and stray
courthouse-steps
divorce threat for the schadenfreude of the whole lumpen cyberverse. Not
to mention
that with the advent of print-on-demand services like Cafepress, tomorrow
evening's
medicinal toddy will likely be sipped from a mug emblazoned with this
afternoon's mug
shot.
It's surely enough to send a girl tumbling into the Valley of the Kitty
Dukakis, but
before you hoist that fistful of Vicodin, honey, know that you are not
alone. As long
as there has been an America to govern, there have been political wives
with one
supportive hand on their husbands' shoulder and the other on speed dial to
her
divorce attorney.
Are you listening, Mrs. Frist? Seeing as majority leaders seem to be in
the
prosecutorial crosshairs at the moment, it would only make sense that you
and Mrs.
DeLay grab a corner table and a couple of Pumpkin Spice Lattes at the
Capitol Hill
Starbucks and start comparing notes. Heck, pull up a chair for Scooter
Libby's spouse
Harriet Grant and get scheming!
How 'bout a joint Dr. Phil appearance? Perhaps a wink-wink guest cameo on
Desperate
Housewives, or an airbrushed Us Weekly "Forgiveness" cover?
Middle-American hausfraus
eat that crap up with an ice cream scoop. And while you're at it, don't go
all
Scroogey with your prescriber's after-hours digits. Though your
congressional cutie
might have to undergo the full-cavity plunder at some point
post-prosecution, mama
sure don't need to go through this one stone-cold unmedicated.
Y'all might also want to check the possibility of preemptively calling
bunkmate dibs
should sentences coincide. 'Cause even if your boys aren't pally enough to
share
adjoining squash lockers at the Hill gym, tender nether quarters are
likelier to come
home unsullied without a ruffian cellmate sent to the pokey for one of
those
common-people crimes, like shoplifting or music piracy. Savages, I tell
you. Savages!
Why, you ask, are my sympathies for this cause so very raw and pungent?
No, my
passion for my particular political animal has not been endorsed by holy
matrimony
(or the Secret Service), and for that reason (the Secret Service one), I
dare not
(and I have the restraining order to prove it) speak his name. But I can
tell you
this much: It rhymes with Burd Tlossom, and I love him like Dennis Hastert
loves
Two-for-One Half-Smoke Night at Ben's Chili Bowl on U Street.
For lo these many years, I've watched silently and sweatily from the
shadows as Burd's
party penetration deepened and, in the face of adversity, he kept working
the polls
and working the pols until his base solidified and everything came
together for
him-for all of us-in a mighty gush of democracy. He may look hard and
crusty as melba
toast while he's working, but I assure you he's Pillsbury soft and
luscious once he
kicks off his cordovan Florsheims.
At least, so far as I'm allowed to see from the hedges.
Damned if I'm going to let my man be thrust headlong into the penal system
without a
solid slathering of loving protection. So I say this loud, and I say this
proud: I'll
be waiting for you on the outside, Burd. I'll be waiting.
You can contact Virginia Wade at www.ilovekarlrove.com.
Her identity is known only to the Secret Service and Kat Kinsman.
--
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I intend to last long enough to put out of business all *****-suckers
and other beneficiaries of the institutionalized slavery and genocide.

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"The army that will defeat terrorism doesn't wear uniforms, or drive
Humvees, or calls in air-strikes. It doesn't have a high command, or
high security, or a high budget. The army that can defeat terrorism
does battle quietly, clearing minefields and vaccinating children. It
undermines military dictatorships and military lobbyists. It subverts
sweatshops and special interests.Where people feel powerless, it
helps them organize for change, and where people are powerful, it
reminds them of their responsibility." ~~~~ Author Unknown ~~~~
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