On Thu, 20 Jan 2005 21:10:09 -0800, "Max Varazslo posting as Dr. Thurgood
Tucker" <father-tucker@wowmail.com> gave us ANOTHER good laugh in message
news:<1106284209.916876.55750@z14g2000cwz.googlegroups.com>:
unrestrained_hand@hotmail.com wrote:
This is terrific, "Doc".
Why don't you call me Dr. Tucker. It shows more respect for my
erudition.
That's why he called you "Doc".
Your satire is almost perfect.
What satire? I'm preaching the True and Full Gospel of Jesus the
Christ. Why do you laugh at it? Haven't you read the Holy Scriprures?
"The preaching of the Cross is to them that perish foolishness, but unto
us which are saved it is the Power of God.... Hath not God made foolish
the wisdom of this world?" (I Corinthians 1:18, 20).
Yes, we already know that you're a fool.
I know it's a little over the top, but that just makes it more
realistic. I'll point out any errors in style as I notice them.
You may respectfully suggest whatever you wish. I want the Gospel to
hit home -- knocking sinners off their comfortable perches when
necessary.
OK...so when will you start?
See, here's one mistake.
I made no mistake!
Except belonging to a cult.
How could this backwoodsy preacher
Who said I was a "backwoodsy" preacher? I'm a Doctor of Divinity!
Sounds to me like "backwoodsy" fits.
I'll have to respond to you as tho you were real,
I am real!
Sure, Max. Sure.
but we're on to you. <wink wink>
Got something in your eye, brother? I hope you haven't been thrusting
your face into any pubic patches lately. Anyway, if you're "on to" me,
you know that I am Dr. Thurgood Tucker, Man of God.
We know all about you, Max.
People with hemophilia are blasphemous?
Some are. Bill Baker blasphemed the Holy Ghost openly. For that he
must pay with his soul. That's the true impardonable sin. Homosexuality
can be forgiven if the homosexual turns from his sin. Blasphemy cannot.
Bill must burn.
Only if I leave the food on the stove too long.
They have more gods than you, and as many temples.
That's why I wrote "Godless" -- lacking the One True God -- instead of
"godless." I thought you would notice that since you presumed to
correct me!
*Everyone* claims their god is the One True God.
Right. Considering how poor in taste it is, to demand lecture rights
for water and all. That's OK for Yankee winos, I guess; they have other
options. But forcing your foreign religion of death and guilt on a
starving child who just lost her parents - that's pretty heartless.
You have it all wrong. We're offering those heathen people the Hope of
Salvation, not some "foreign religion." Those who truly loved the Lord
would have been protected from His outpouring of wrath. Our True
Religion is also not about death. It's about Eternal Life in the Bosom
of Abraham. Those heathens need the True Gospel. It will solve their
social problems as well. The Spiritual Leader of our Holy Church wants
to liberate them from tyranny and rule over them as their Holy Black
Queen.
You see, people, their cult believes that their cult leader will one day
rule the world.
See, this is laying it on a little too thick. While we *know there are
people this stupid and cruel,
I am neither stupid nor cruel, and I am laying nothing on, thick or
thin. Our Holy Church is in Indonesia right now feeding the hungry,
clothing the naked, housing the homeless, and healing the sick. We
should also be allowed to preach the Gospel as well. If it weren't so
powerful evil people wouldn't be afraid of it.
So who is afraid of it? Certainly not me.
it's just unbelievable to actually confront those words.
Confrontation implies resistance. Believe and know.
One should resist evil, like the words that you type.
Like Rev. Fred Phelps; the man's a caricature of himself. Who could
do better?
We don't approve of his methods. He did a great deal for race relations
many decades ago, however.
Yeah, the only difference between your cult and Fred Phelps is that some
people have actually heard of Fred Phelps.
There is no devil, remember? Oh, right; you're in character.
As I explained earlier, I have wrestled with the devil and won. I have
the scar to prove it.
A scar proves nothing.
Bill may pretend the devil doesn't exist, but he always does his dark
master's bidding. I am also not "in character." I am a Gospel Messenger
preaching hope and healing to sick perverts and freaks. Repent and
live!
By posting here you keep convincing us not to join your cult.
No souls. Only minds. Who has yours?
The Lord God!
Tell him to return it. You've gone without it for too long.
<Disgusted looks from the Roman legionaires.> "Hang them all!"
Is that a veiled reference to masturbation?
Only if you want it to be.
And you won't laugh in Heaven. Funny, ain't it?
I will rejoice in Holy Heaven. Bill Baker will regret his many sins for
all eternity.
I have no "sins". And I will regret nothing.
Many are fine cooks. Quite a few a decent computer programmers. I know
one who's a hellacious aikidoka.
More Japanese! What about homosexuals who spread AIDS through
barebacking?
Some of them can cook and program computers, too.
Are you going somewhere with this?
i want to heal homosexuals of their perverted lusts.
You just love typing the words "perverted lusts", don't you?
Haven't seen any, yet, "Doc".
<wink wink, knudge knudge>
There is no k in "nudge." I am Dr. Thurgood Tucker, Man of God, and I
preach the Truth every day.
You are Max Varazslo, and you are a laughingstock.
Respectable People of God usually don't introduce themselves that way.
They say:
"Hello, I'm Max,
Not if their name is Dr. Thurgood Tucker and they're dealing with
incorrigible lying blasphemers.
Yeah, but we know you're really Max, and that I'm more honest than you are.
They *don't say "I'm holy, and you're not."
They would if they truly were holy and they encountered Bill Baker and
his blasphemy.
You're too funny, Max.
And you are stumbling in the darkness, blinded by your own light.
I'm not stumbling. I walk with God along the True Path. Renounce your
sins and follow us, why don't you?
Yeah! Maybe one day *you* can see hallucinations of demons and be put
into a coma by handling snakes! LOL!
Personally, I prefer Krishna, who made love to 100 milkmaids at the
same time. There's a godhood I can aspire to!
Krishna was a false god, in reality a demon in disguise.
Your god is a demon in disguise.
You really know a lot more than I give you credit for...
I am Truly Wise.
You are truly a liar.
Hmmmm. From OneLook Dictionary:
Quick definitions (Cult)
# noun: a system of religious beliefs and rituals (Example: "Devoted
to the cultus of the Blessed Virgin")
Is that a definition of "cult" or "cultus"?
# noun: adherents of an exclusive system of religious beliefs and
practices
# noun: an interest followed with exaggerated zeal
Ookaaayy...
Exactly. Our Holy Church is not a cult. It's not exclusive.
The definition doesn't say that the cult is exclusive, it says, "an
exclusive system of religious beliefs and practices". As in, you don't
allow any other beliefs.
Part of the name is "Universal." All who can and do repent are welcome.
Hell-bound blasphemers naturally need not apply.
Hehehe...blaspheming the holy spook was the best thing I ever did.
Every time you hear the word "Cult", look at the definitions above.
You do the same and realize that Bill is an idiot. Our Holy Church is
the one that the Lord Jesus founded two millennia ago.
I'm still waiting for the proof, Max.
<snicker>
See, here's another slip. You're playing it for the laugh, and throwing
the whole schtick off kilter.
There is no schtick! I am preaching the Truth, not doing a comedy
routine. Except for Sizzlean, those are the names of my dear wife's
aunt and cousins.
Are you saying that Purlean was lying?
Her aunt Earlean is the matriarch of the family, and she inspired many
of the younger girls' names.
Now you're feeding him a stright line.
I wish Bill could be made straight, but it's too late. He will creep
along the road to hell like a sidewinder.
You just keep believing that, Max.
This is good, though. It shows contempt for "book larnin'" and academic
achievement in general.
That is rubbish! I am highly educated. I graduated from Bob Jones
University.
....which is the Mississippi of colleges.
This rings true, and is a lllittle scary. Bound to get the college
grads up in arms.
Secular colleges teach nothing but filth anyway. Too bad for the
graduates.
Yeah, too bad they're smarter than you.
Correct. The proper phrase for that is "You can't believe anything you
read."
No. When it comes to the Holy Bible, you must believe every word of it,
and you must spend your whole life endeavoring to understand it. It's
the Word of God after all.
And you know it's the word of god because it says so, right?
Yeah. I knew a chick in the sixties who talked to her Dad, who died in
the war. She also saw ghosts, and happy monsters. They were happy so
they wouldn't hurt her, see. She had been receiving psychotherapy,
though, so she had a head start on you.
We don't believe in psychotherapy. We cure mental illness by casting
out demons and applying a little light torture to keep the evil forces
away. Psychotherapists are only drug pushers.
And that's why your wife is in a coma, right?
Haven't met any yet, though, have you?
Homosexuals? New Sodom is crawling with them! And a few actually
repent. Their sins disgust even them after a while. Who could sit
through a session of felching and not be completely grossed out?
You tell us, Max. Your the one with the experience in that department.
I worked with a born-again cultist
Those who are truly born again are not cultists. They are True
Christian Believers.
Like he said - born-again cultist.
on the psych ward
What were you doing on a psych ward exactly?
Duh. He worked there. Did you not read the sentence?
so either Hell is more real than Heaven... or it is also a state of
mind. You seem to be the one sunk into a pit of perversity and fear
and hatred. Good act.
Hardly. My ministry is all about healing and helping others. I am free
from all perversity.
Your cult is perverse.
Sins like treating other people like regular folks?
That's neither a sin nor a virtue. Bill Baker is disrespectful to me
and even more so to my beloved wife Lurlean.
Because neither one of you has earned my respect. Why don't you call me
Smegma Sniffer like she does?
Uh, no.
Bill shall surely burn!
Only the casserole.
Can't get enough, can you? Never satisfied with being disgusted.
Sounds like Hell to me.
I am blissfully happy. I have God's assurance of Salvation.
You don't sound the least bit happy to me.
Trust me. Would I lie to you?
Probably.
Well we know you would lie to us.
He's an angel, remember?
He's a fallen angel.
He's a mythical creature, like Pegasus.
He knows what you *want to hear.
You are seduced by the idea that you know more than folks who are
smarter and better educated than you;
Precious few are either.
Typical pomposity.
and the bizarre notion that you are more moral than kind people
because you hate folks who make you feel yucky. Or is that "feel
kinda hot"?
That makes no sense at all. Homosexuals spread disease and must be
stopped -- and cured of their affliction.
Homosexuals do not spread disease. Promiscuous people of any sexual
orientation spread disease.
Got any evidence?
Bill admits he lies.
Which is why people believe me over you, Max.
He repeats the same lies again and again. He's accused my wife of
exposing her body in public and of making suggestions for a pornographic
film starring Arnold Schwarzenegger.
That was a joke, Max. And I already admitted that it wasn't true.
Read the above definitions.
You read them. I already know what a cult is.
So you admit you're in one now? Good.
Makes you just cream your pants, doesn't it?
Never! That's disgusting! The speech of the gutter and the gay bar!
Getting mad, Max? Could it be because he hit on the truth?
Got any evidence?
You can read them right here on Usenet.
All I see is your arguments being blown out of the water and mocked by
myself.
Are you a professional ranter?
I never rant, but I preach the Truth often.
When?
"I'm not listening! Nyah nyah nyah!"
I listened and dismissed his argument. It came from the Pit anyway.
In other words, you couldn't answer me because it would show how weak your
beliefs were.
Actually, Jesus and I are drinking buddies. He said you were a jerk.
You can't possibly know the Lord Jesus.
Because he didn't exist, right?
See; another goof. A *real Hellfire and brimstone pulpit thumper would
distort away but never *ever admit he made any changes. They just read
it as they see it, see? No changes, not ever.
I never changed anything. I clarified the meaning of the Sacred Words.
That's fancy talk for "changing".
It's always *obvious what it means.
Obvious to those who walk with God, yes, but not to inveterate evildoers
and blaphemers.
Yeah, *every* cult thinks they have the only correct interpretation.
Just so you know... we breeders like anal and oral sex, too.
Both are abominations in God's sight! You will burn in hell for
committing such wickedness with your body!
You love hearing about it, admit it.
Did you know that your Mom was pretty hot in her day?
End of conversation.
Typical Christian.
--
Funny Lurlean quote #55:
"Some sinners get so much radiation on them that they just blow up and leave a
little pile of ashes behind. If you're a standing too close, you might get
burnt up too!"
.
