All Hail Fluffy! On Tue, 10 Apr 2007 05:24:14 +0000, Pinku-Sensei
whined:
<music>"20th Century Fox Fanfare"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ra_9kgqn7DQ </music>
The time has come to announce the winners of the March 2007 Usenet Kook
Awards. Envelopes, please!
<music>drumroll</music>
KOOK OF THE MONTH
The winner is...MIKE "MIGUEL" CRANSTON!
18 votes Mike "Miguel" Cranston
13 votes Nightbat of alt.astronomy
03 votes Neither of the above
Congratulations, Lamont! You defeated the kooky leader of one of the
kookiest groups of circle-jerking loons on USENET by doing the one sure
thing to win Kook of the Month--tell AUK you despise them, and then mount
a full-frontal assault on AUK while the vote is going on. It worked like
a charm!
Why, yes, I've never felt so intimidated as when he dropped the "nerd
gimp retard fagboi" lames to tell me what he really thought of me. That
was so awful. I was scared witless for a whole attosecond. Positively
traumatic.
CLUELESS NEWBIE OF THE MONTH
The winner is...BRAD GUTH!
17 votes Brad Guth
09 votes Jeff "Jazzycat" Noble
03 votes Neither of the above
Congratulations, Guthball. The virus writers want to make sure that the
word about habitable Venus and the Moon Landing Hoax never gets out.
Rilly.
"I don't think so because, I'm a whole lot smarter and far less bigoted
than the average Jew, although smart Jews as having collaborated with
your Skull and Bones Third Reich certainly have more of those
in-your-face balls than I'd ever have to work with." Yes, a most
appropriate victory. Hey, Jazzycat, don't think that means you aren't
clueless; you just aren't as clueless as Guthball...
COWARD OF THE MONTH
The winner is...GERALD NEWTON!
17 votes Gerald Newton of alt.culture.alaska
09 votes Nightbat of alt.astronomy
02 votes None of the above
01 votes Mettas Mother
Congratulations, G-dolf! Your attempts to sic an alphabet soup of
various lawyers and investigators, including the FBI, IRS, and SEC (or
its European equivalent) on Databasix, Alcatroll, and Caballista in an
attempt to get Sean to shut up shows just how much the truth about you
hurts.
And Sean's barely paid attention to him for ages, FAQ aside...
LOONEY MAROON AWARD
The winner is...STEVE CHANEY!
11 votes Steve Chaney
09 votes Nightbat of alt.astronomy
09 votes Paine Ellsworth, a.k.a. "Painius" of alt.astronomy
01 votes None of the above
Congratulations, Wonderbra! Quoting J. Wyatt Ehrenfels in a futile
attempt to divert attention to Lamont's way was just the perfect thing
to convince people what a Looney Maroon you really are.
It's not like he needed to bother anyway. That five-vote margin was
unbeatable.
GOLDEN KILLFILE
The winner is...MATT GIWER!
15 votes Matt Giwer
03 votes Roy "Tristan" Hauer
03 votes Neither of the above
Congratulations, Anti-Semite! This just goes to show how much your
bigotry and paranoia are not worth reading.
I'm sure he has many "fans" on soc.history.ancient who would be most
"interested" to learn of his new wall decoration.
JOSEPH BARTLO PATHETIC ANAL PINEAPPLE AWARD
The winner is...DR. ANDREW B. CHUNG!
13 votes Dr. Andrew B. Chung
11 votes Chuck "Kluck" Lysaght
06 votes Steve Chaney
04 votes Hagar
00 votes None of the above
Congratulations, Double-Doctor! What would Jesus do? Not crow over the
misery of the dearly and recently departed, that's for sure!
Why, but, as Crazy Andy would say, "You would no longer be here if I
were to stop praying for you." Isn't that so kind and generous of him?
He must be keeping the world going single-handedly.
PALMJOB PADDLE
The winner is...MIKE "MIGUEL" CRANSTON!
12 votes Mike "Miguel" Cranston
11 votes Gerald Newton of alt.culture.alaska
06 votes Nightbat of alt.astronomy
02 votes None of the above
Congratulations again, Miguel! You may think you gave as good as you
got, but that still doesn't mean that you weren't the most spanked
person on USENET in March.
Against heavyweight competition, too. Attorney Michael J. "Dogfucker"
Cranston stalker kook can really smack the ***** out of himself.
TONY SIDAWAY DRAMA QUEEN AWARD
The winner is...MIKE "MIGUEL" CRANSTON!
22 votes Mike "Miguel" Cranston
04 votes Phil Allison
03 votes Neither of the above
Congratulations yet again, Lamont! All of your grandstanding looked
enough like attention seeking that everyone but me and the Aussies voted
for you over the operatic flouncing of someone who started ranting in
ALLCAPS at the slightest provocation.
Make no mistake, Allison was most queenly, but he just couldn't measure
up to the Chuck Norris of attorneys, with his awesome powers of
melodrama and lamery.
VICTOR VON FRANKENSTEIN WEIRD SCIENCE AWARD
The winner is...JEFF RELF!
13 votes Jeff Relf
03 votes Bill Sheppard
02 votes Neither of the above
Congratulations, Mr. Relf! You finally showed the regulars on
sci.physics that you aren't a complete luser. After all, you won an
award for science!
He's a giant in the field, a positive _Ent_.
GEORGE PICKETT MEMORIAL TROPHY
The winner is...MIKE "MIGUEL" CRANSTON!
18 votes Mike "Miguel" Cranston
06 votes Paine Ellsworth, a.k.a. "Painius" of alt.astronomy
05 votes Steve Chaney
02 votes None of the above
Congratulations a fourth time, Miguel. Your crusade against what you
see as the shortcomings of the current crop of kookologists (and your
idea of being "real-lifed") certainly got AUK's attention. Instead
of getting the changes you wanted, you got this nice shiny award. Wasn't
that productive on your part?
Watch out -- the Chuck Norris of attorneys may also turn out to be the
Chuck Norris of k00ks, and drown us(tinu) in an awesome sea of his foam
and penchant for stalking, blackmail, and hypocrisy.
GEORGE ARMSTRONG CUSTER "KICKED @$$" AWARD
The winner is...VITO KUHN!
28 votes YES
01 votes NO
Congratulations, Frito! You wanted to clean up USENET and you got your
wish--by being the janitor for B8MBy. Instead of producing clean live
groups in the fam.* hierarchy, you get to remove all the dried husks of
dead froups so far gone even the spammers have forgotten them. Some
victory!
He should join forces with BowTie...
SPECIAL OPS CODY MEMORIAL PURPLE HEART
The winner is...
15 votes Nukleus/Bloxy
07 votes Michael "Howdy/TrumpetoftheLord" Schmidt
03 votes Neither of the above
Congratulations, Nukleus! Talk to us (tinu) when you learn not to
Godwin yourself in the first paragraph of the first poast in a thread.
"6. Who is a net.giggler?" He has talent.
TAR & FEATHERS
The winner is...MARTIN X. MOLESKI!
17 votes Martin X. Moleski of the Big-8 Management Board
07 votes Catherine Burr
04 votes Neither of the above
Congratulations, Father Moleski! All your efforts are /not/ appreciated
by the clueful!
He's part of the living proof of the exception to Godwin's Law --
mind-boggling in his audacity...
BUSTED URINAL AWARD
The winner is...NIGHTBAT OF ALT.ASTRONOMY!
15 votes Nightbat of alt.astronomy
09 votes Dustin Cook
08 votes Babaloonie
02 votes None of the above
Congratulations, Commander of the 1337 Earth and Spaced-out Science
Officer Corps! I'm sure you'll continue to stink up the joint with all
of your poast-editing, coffee boy lames, and tolerance of the
foul-mouthed bigots in your midst.
"I am a loyal friend to those who report science and truth not
try to hidden agenda hide it. Astronomy is so important little do the
clueless know where they came from or where they are going. The Officer
Warhol reporting of Little Goldilocks and the Tree Bears was so relaxing
but heed its moral warning blondes do have more fun. The Seans Sil a
beauty like no other waits for this Earthman to hopefully safely real
Starship bring all those worthy to space the final frontier. Choose life
not war, oh the humanity, when will man lay down his arms? Thank you
Green Knight for your dedication to duty and God speed on your journey
to the sacred mountain. Figs and olives the preservers of life and
promoters of good digestion. You darn tooten we like fig Newton.
Att: All Earth Science Team Officers
Officer Warhol has issued a world wide bulletin for all coastal residing
residents to go to higher ground due to planet warming. The increasing
planetary green house effect is scientifically now observed. The Green
Knight predicted dooms day long cycle comet may also be approaching,
take heed! Also Florida residents listen for daily reports from Officer
Bert and please be aware of hurricane Debbie now gaining power off the
coast of Africa, oh the humanity!" MID:
<5936a$44ec171f$46e3a618$28623@COMTECK.COM>
'Nuff said. (See my .sig for a "different" take on the above.)
UNABOMBER SURPRISE
The winner is...ANDRE LIEVEN!
21 votes YES
00 votes NO
Congratulations, Poutine for Brains! After an entire summer of reading
your screed during the approval process for soc.men.moderated, I can say
this award is quite overdue!
I was expecting there'd be competition, when I made that nom. Instead,
he's winner by acclamation.
GOOFY AZZED BABBOON
The winner is...WARHOL!
23 votes Warhol
04 votes Neither of the above
02 votes Walter Mautner
Congratulations, Mad Moor! You finally achieved enough proficiency in
English that we (tinw) are now sure that your language says "kook."
Now _that's_ a landslide. Truly devastating...
BOLO BULLIS FOAM DUCK
The winner is...MIKE "MIGUEL" CRANSTON!
16 votes Mike "Miguel" Cranston
10 votes Paine Ellsworth, a.k.a. "Painius" of alt.astronomy
01 votes Neither of the above
Congratulations one more time, Lamont! For all your talk about the
stupidity of your opponents, you managed to convince the voters of your
stupidity instead. How ironic!
Well, his stupidity is awesome, you know.
Oh, don't leave just yet. You have two more awards coming your way by
consensus of both FNVWs.
TINFOIL SOMBRERO
"An executive award, a Vote Wrangler's privilege, to grant to those out
there who would seek to overthrow the Friendly Neighborhood dictatorship
of this froup. Time and again various Kooks have attempted to either
hijack the awards, start votes of their own, or give the FNVW a free
non-expenses- paid ticket to the Motel Deep 6. This should never go
unpunished. Such insubordination goes beyond the normal bounds of those
wacko enough to wear the tinfoil hat, therefore, the FNVW shall have the
privilege of granting the TINFOIL SOMBRERO, upon receipt of substantial
enough evidence of said insubordination."
For multiple instances of insubordination, ranging from campaigning to
reverse a decision of the voters, to trying to get the FNVW to exercise
his powers on behalf of one of the candidates, I give this award
to...MIKE "MIGUEL" CRANSTON! Enjoy your shiny new headwear!
Blackmailing the FNVW by threatening his SO -- tsk, tsk. Practically
BowTie-ish.
And finally...
EMMETT GULLEY OBSESSO AWARD
"A special award - reserved solely for the most obsessive, stalker kooks
on Usenet."
The winner is...MIKE "MIGUEL" CRANSTON!
Congratulations one last time! Really interested in Kali's workplace and
love life and Pope Snarky's legal name, aren't you? However, there is
one person even more obsessed than you are. Step down; he deserves to be
on the stage all by himself for this presentation.
May I just say once more how much I love and appreciate all my fans?
Especially the ones who are so obsessed with me as to go google-diving
for my name and then spread it around all over usenet. It's
heartwarming, really.
The winner is...STEVE "BOWTIE" YOUNG!
Congratulations, Flyboi! For lifetime achievement in stalking,
harassing, forging, and outing the personal information of the people
you see as your opponents, you richly deserve this award. May you follow
in the footsteps of E-Mutt Gulley!
Is that a Bobo nom I smell, BowTie?
ORDER OF THE HOLEY SOCKPUPPET
The winner is...GARY "FLATFISH" STEWART!
12 votes YES
03 votes NO
Congratulations, Flatfish! You aren't a sockpuppeteer? Rilly? Then
why do the regulars of c.o.l.a. think you have so many identities?
They're just funning?
BARBARA WOODHOUSE MEMORIAL DOG-WHISTLE AWARD
The winner is...GERALD NEWTON, TRAINED BY SEAN MONAGHAN!
21 votes Gerald Newton, trained by Sean Monaghan
06 votes Brandy Haters Cabal, trained by Brandy Alexandre
01 votes Neither of the above
Congratulations, Sean! You really know how to train them. Now your
collection of merit and merit-like awards is complete!
Brandy's haters didn't stand a chance against Wifebeater. Not to worry,
there's always the May ballot...
HAMMER OF THOR
The winner is...VOLFIE OF AMM-J, A.K.A. "FRAGILE WARRIOR"!
13 votes Volfie of AMM-J, a.k.a. "Fragile Warrior"
07 votes Charlotte L. Blackmer
07 votes Wally Anglesea
01 votes None of the above
Congratulations, Fragile Warrior! You and the rest of the Haterz know
how to swing the hammer and deliver a solid LART!
That victory was pretty LARTish, too.
OFFICE OF DARTH BAWL
The winner is...NIGHTBAT OF ALT.ASTRONOMY!
18 votes Nightbat of alt.astronomy
09 votes Paine Ellsworth, a.k.a. "Painius" of alt.astronomy
Congratulations, Commander! You showed that you were the biggest whiner
and complainer on USENET last month. Care to cry for us (tinw) some
more?
He'll have to post-edit first.
OFFICE OF VILLAGE IDIOT
The winner is...PORCHMONKEY4LIFE!
18 votes PorchMonkey4Life
10 votes Chuck "Kluck" Lysaght
05 votes Richard "The St00pid" Bullis
Congratulations, Porchie! You managed to defeat two of the most
notoriously moronic kooks in the history of USENET, both of whom have
occupied this office before. If that doesn't make you known as the
dumbest kook on USENET, I don't know what will.
I guess we(tinw) should "Open wide and wait for a $hit explosion,
turdboy", as the Monkey said in MID: <r7Wxh.2191$384.676@trnddc05>,
'cause apparently it was "No effort at all c*cksucking you, b1tch," as
in MID: <aXkth.3535$QE6.1902@trnddc02>. But I never do what I should,
only what I want, so I'll just lampoon his idiocy some more.
KOOKI INFORMATION MINISTER
The winner is...DR. ANDREW B. CHUNG!
22 votes Dr. Andrew B. Chung
02 votes Azure
Congratulations again, Double-Doctor! You handily defeated one of the
great purveyors of misinformation around. Now, pleace to tell us (tinu)
about the wonders of your two-pound diet again.
"'I find this genetic sequence all the way down the evolutionary
ladder,' he says. 'The major significance of this protein is that it may
be a communication line between the nucleus and the mitochondria.'"
http://gtalumni.org/Publications/magazine/win91/chung.html
MINISTRY OF CIRCLE JERKS
The winner is...NEWS.GROUPS.PROPOSALS!
19 votes news.groups.proposals
13 votes The Saucerheads of alt.astronomy
Congratulations, B8MBy! You beat off the crew of kooks who keep each
other ready for the day the Seans come (and they do, too ;-). I suppose
you have to do something in your treehouse when you're not approving new
groups or getting Frito to remove dead ones.
I think Cranston, Kirk, and Respondant will have no trouble turfing out
NGP. The latter are most worthy successors to the saucerheadz, but the
former are doing their circle jerk in full view of AUK, unlike the
latter.
This concludes the announcement of the winners of the March 2007 Usenet
Kook Awards. Forty-three people submitted forty-three ballots. Three
ballots were from notorious disenfranchised net.kooks and were
discarded. Fluffy was pleased with the shredded paper in his litter box.
Consequently, forty ballots were deemed valid and counted.
See you all early next month, when girls wear flowers in their hair and
dance around maypoles. Until then, enjoy and all hail Ming, Bob, and
Fluffy!
And now, a special recessional in honor of this month's big w(h)inner,
"Miguel"! Pleace to pay attention to the precision suitcase drill team.
<music>"Lawyers in Love" by Jackson Browne
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OxZr6A8D3Lg </music>
Heh, that takes me way back...
--
________________________________________________________________________
Hail Eris! All Hail Discordia! Kallisti! Top ***** #3
Flonk Leader #2 & #11 1/9; mhm 29 x 21; Usenet Ruiner #5
Awl Hale Teh Mity Poast Kount!
The meow.fuckhead; Official Chung Demon; Gutter Chix0r #16
Most Hated Usenetizen of All Time #13; Lits ***** #16
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Cabal_of_the_Holy_Pretzel/join
Economic Left/Right: -7.63
Social Libertarian/Authoritarian: -7.38
"Okay, everybody in this room who's telekinetic, raise my hand."
"6. Who is a net.giggler?" -- Bloxy's "Monkay", that's who. Message-ID:
<DC6BBA72.3B5F4435@demon.co.uk>
"I don't think so because, I'm a whole lot smarter and far less bigoted
than the average Jew, although smart Jews as having collaborated with
your Skull and Bones Third Reich certainly have more of those
in-your-face balls than I'd ever have to work with." -- Guthball drools
all over my irony meter, in MID:
<fea985f50107c84f4d1d4894114d1989.49644@mygate.mailgate.org>
"I am a loyal friend to those who report science and truth not
try to hidden agenda hide it. Astronomy is so important little do the
clueless know where they came from or where they are going. The Officer
Warhol reporting of Little Goldilocks and the Tree Bears was so relaxing
but heed its moral warning blondes do have more fun. The Seans Sil a
beauty like no other waits for this Earthman to hopefully safely real
Starship bring all those worthy to space the final frontier. Choose life
not war, oh the humanity, when will man lay down his arms? Thank you
Green Knight for your dedication to duty and God speed on your journey
to the sacred mountain. Figs and olives the preservers of life and
promoters of good digestion. You darn tooten we like fig Newton.
Att: All Earth Science Team Officers
Officer Warhol has issued a world wide bulletin for all coastal residing
residents to go to higher ground due to planet warming. The increasing
planetary green house effect is scientifically now observed. The Green
Knight predicted dooms day long cycle comet may also be approaching,
take heed! Also Florida residents listen for daily reports from Officer
Bert and please be aware of hurricane Debbie now gaining power off the
coast of Africa, oh the humanity!"
-- nightbat on the importance of a good diet, and always taking one's
meds, in MID: <5936a$44ec171f$46e3a618$28623@COMTECK.COM>
"Real meaning: 'Repeatedly another raw-boned lout twitters, but some
mankhead recurrently thereafter erodes the hymen. If another habitual
criminal beyond a fat cell advises some fermentation bucket, then the
show-off respecting another swamp-donkey glides. Now and then, some
jawless fusspot periphrastically disturbs a mechanic with an inchworm.
When you see another impacted tooth, it means that a ***** round a fried
egg wobbles.
The walrus squeals, and another flathead amid a ham sandwich burns;
however, a flasher charms a scabby codpiece. Another sheep with another
taco tickler wakes, and the hedgehog sees another zigzagger. When some
tatterdemalion afore the fungus is frightfully swaggering, some ruffian
reportingly starts a bank manager.
Another vegetative door-to-door salesman splashes, and a dung ball
respecting the ***** smiles; however, a hamster drinks a hifalutin
fowl. Another alienated zoo exhibit comes, while some depressing hose bag
finds some futtock. When you see another tonsil, it means that a cholera
germ amongst another trollop sweats. Some dizzily stony-broke wretch is
nosy. Some melancholic homo endlessly dangles some thereupon pus-filled
fumbler.'" -- Kadaitcha interprets batty's advice in a most wise and
insightful manner, in MID: <5m0ln4$znk$o@emaciated-marshmallows.net.au>
"You would no longer be here if I were to stop praying for you." Andrew
B. Chung's delusions of grandeur are getting out of hand, in MID:
<1160653810.937331.31980@e3g2000cwe.googlegroups.com>
A Christian is a citizen of Christ Jesus' kingdom just as an American is
a citizen of the United States.
Whatever you've been smoking, it's making you spew great lines for a
"Cheech and Chung" movie.
-- Chadwick Stone to Andrew B., in MID:
<f98Hg.249738$bN2.41516@fe09.news.easynews.com>
"No effort at all c*cksucking you, b1tch." -- At last, the Monkey-man
comes out of the closet, in MID: <aXkth.3535$QE6.1902@trnddc02>
"Fredbot == SameAsB4 == TGOOS
"You are stalking me, even after I thrashed ya." -- PorchMonkey4Life,
a veritable combination of Sherlock Holmes and Doc Savage for the 21st
Century. No, really. Would I lie? MID: <zaUqh.2972$E35.415@trnddc02>
"He unleashes a fecal explosion he time he posts. He uses so many nyms
because he gets beaten so easily and so convincingly in flame wars and
tries to hide behind nyms in the hopes of getting a fresh start. To bad
for him that his lameness keep shining through like a beacon for all
tards (e.g., SameAs$B4, Demon Spawn, Barbara's Pus$y, FredBot,
TGOOS, ......, etc)" -- Monkey-man identifies <jitter> as me, among
others, in broken English, in MID: <Z_Xqh.3167$E35.215@trnddc02>
"Open wide and wait for a $hit explosion, turdboy" -- Joxer isn't very
well-acquainted with the concept of not aiming the flamethrower at his
own position. MID: <r7Wxh.2191$384.676@trnddc05>
.
