http://www.spiegel.de/international/spiegel/0,1518,468947,00.html
March 01, 2007
SEX MARATHONS AND ANATOMICAL FREAKS
The Guiness Book of the Ancient World
By Matthias Schulz
There was no annually published Guinness Book of Records to keep track,
but the ancient Greeks and Romans were crazy about setting and breaking
records. Now two Swedish archaeologists have compiled a selection.
Not long after the birth of Christ, when the most debauched phase of
Roman history began, the wife of Emperor Claudius -- Messalina, 34 years
his junior -- made a name for herself by challenging the city's best
known ***** to a sex marathon. Who can keep going for longer, the
licentious wife wanted to know. She won by holding out for "25 rounds."
Details on the wanton competition can be found in the "Book of Ancient
Records," compiled by Allan and Cecilia Klynne and published in Germany
by the C.H. Beck publishing house. How fat was the fattest snail? What
was the price of the most expensive slave? Swedish archaeologists
Cecilia and Allan Klynne provide the answers, free of "academic
commentary and lengthy footnotes."
The scientists combed through hundreds of old texts in their search for
superlatives. Here are some of the results: The tallest man in the
ancient world measured 288 centimeters (9 foot 5 inches), while the
shortest (60 centimeters -- 2 feet) was barely as tall as a bedside
table. Another treat from the book: The naturalist Pliny reports the
case of some conserved beans that were forgotten in the cellar and
retained their taste for 220 years.
"Extreme accomplishments and bizarre phenomena have always fascinated
mankind," the "Book of Ancient Records" states.
Even the Ancient Greeks kept records of top achievements in the areas of
sports, nature and anatomy, according to the book. The most resilient
runner covered 238 kilometers (176 miles) in a day. A soldier from
Alexander's army drank 13.5 liters (3.6 gallons) of wine during a
drinking competition -- and then fell over dead.
Ancient Greece may also have ranked virtues and vices. The greatest
sycophants are said to have sat at the table of Dionysius I of Syracuse.
To make the half-blind tyrant look good, they constantly reached
clumsily across the table. When he drooled, they licked the saliva from
his clothes.
During the early days of the Roman empire, the appetite for whatever was
"faster, bigger, further" became the general attitude towards life. The
empire went in for full-scale one-upmanship. So it purchased the
heaviest amber stone (four kilograms, 8.8 lbs.) and allowed per capita
water consumption in the city to climb as high as 1,100 liters (291
gallons). Actress Galeria Copiola still appeared on stage at age 104.
But she had an unfair advantage over other aged thespians: She
specialized in mime.
Since the senatorial nobility that roamed from one party to the next in
those days constantly required new subject matter for small talk,
scholars sat down and compiled lists of astonishing facts. The resulting
literary rubric was known as "mirabilia" ("wondrous things").
The anthologies were a source of helpful tips to toga-wearing braggarts
out to woo women at the buffet. They contained information on the "most
beautiful bosom" and on the catapult whose reach was 720 meters (2,362
feet). Emperor Augustus purchased a bird that crowed "Ave Caesar!"
("Hail Caesar!") for the record sum of 20,000 sestertia (some €120,000).
When woven elegantly into conversation, such factoids always worked. So
the mirabilia authors provided ever new catalogs of eccentric records.
Pliny put together a list of the most painful diseases. Kidney stones
are given first place by him, followed by stomach ulcers and migraines.
The Romans didn't even stop short of the obscene. The cleanest sodomist
was a shepherd from southern Italy said to have made his favorite goat
gargle rose water because of its halitosis. Architects also inclined
towards excess in those days. They built an aqueduct 48 meters (158
feet) tall near Nimes in what is today southern France. The largest race
track for horses had room for an audience of 250,000.
Nero's gold-plated villa on the Palatine Hill was considered the most
expensive palace of all times. A hall of pillars 1,500 meters (4,921
feet) wide stretched in front of the main building. Pipes running across
the ceilings of the dining rooms sprayed flower blossoms or perfume down
onto the guests.
But Rome's gossip-hungry nobility had nothing but derision for the
inhabitants of the empire's fringe regions. The Germans were considered
the most primitive people in the world, while geographer Strabon (63
BC-23 AD) attributed the most eccentric personal hygiene habit --
storing urine in cisterns and bathing in it -- to the natives of Spain.
But its doubtful if these kinds of negative records always corresponded
to reality. Stopwatches and official inspectors were unheard of at the
time. The editors of the "Book of Ancient Records," Allan and Cecilia
Klynne, have their doubts as to whether a certain Marcus Aponius really
lived to be 140, just as they're skeptical about extremely handicapped
people who were unable to walk despite having legs.
The reason they couldn't walk? Their feet pointed backward.
--
Fundies and trolls are cordially invited to
shove a wooden cross up their arses and rotate
at a high rate of speed. I trust you'll
be 'blessed' with a plethora of splinters.
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