| Topic: |
Religions > Atheism |
| User: |
"Bjango the lucky monkey" |
| Date: |
21 Feb 2007 05:04:23 PM |
| Object: |
Some jokes |
Here are some actual problem sentences found in church and
denominational bulletins and/or newsletters:
1.Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
2.Thursday night - potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3.Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
community.
4.For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
5.The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of
David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6.This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends
of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7.This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and
lay an egg on the altar.
8.Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost
of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet
will come forward and get a piece of paper.
9.The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and
they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
10.A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
11.Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian
Church building. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
12.Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
13.Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
14.The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys
sinning to join the choir.
_______________________
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the
bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 8 foot grizzly charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he
saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping
frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on
the
ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to
take a swipe at him. At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my
God!..."
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
It was then that bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out
of the sky saying, "You deny my existence for all of these years,
teach
others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do
you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you
as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical
of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps,
could you make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then
the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke, "Lord, bless this
food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful."
________________________________
Preacher said: "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it
and throw it into the river." And the congregation cried, "Amen!"
"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in
the river."
And the congregation cried, "Amen!"
"And if I had all the whiskey and rum in the world, I'd take it all
and throw it in the river."
Again the congregation cried, "Amen!"
The preacher sat down.
The deacon then stood up.
"For our closing hymn," he announced, "let us turn to page 126 of
our hymn books and sing, 'We shall drink from that river'."
the congregation screamed "hallelujah"
_______________________________________
Lucky Adam
1. He is the only man who has never been compared to the man she could
have married.
2. He had no in-laws to drop in.
3. There were no Jones for him to keep up with.
4. There were no credit cards OR shopping centers.
5. He never had his dinner interrupted by door-to-door salesmen.
6. He got away with wearing a simple wardrobe.
7. He never had to shovel snow!
8. If he had gone bald, who would have known that wasn't normal.
9. There was no "standard weight and height" tables - and the word FAT
meant good.
10. When God asked "Adam, where are you?" He replied, "The woman you
gave me was reading the map."
_______________
Here are some actual problem sentences found in church and
denominational bulletins and/or newsletters:
1.Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
2.Thursday night - potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3.Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
community.
4.For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
5.The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of
David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6.This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends
of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7.This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and
lay an egg on the altar.
8.Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost
of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet
will come forward and get a piece of paper.
9.The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and
they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
10.A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
11.Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian
Church building. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
12.Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
13.Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
14.The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys
sinning to join the choir.
.
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| User: "Bjango the lucky monkey" |
|
| Title: Re: Some jokes |
21 Feb 2007 05:23:01 PM |
|
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Grandma writes,
The other day I went to the local Christian book store and saw a honk
if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy
that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir practice,
followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and
put it on my bumper.
On my way home I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection,
just lost in the thought about the Lord and how good He is. I didn't
notice the light had changed.
It's a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love
Jesus.
Why ?
Well, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking
like crazy, and then he leaned out and screamed, "for the love of God,
Go! Go!" What a cheerleader he was for Jesus.
Everyone started honking !
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all
these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the
love. I saw one guy waving with only his middle finger stuck up in the
air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that
meant, he said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
So I leaned out and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson
burst out laughing, even he was enjoying this religious experience
right along with me.
A couple of people were so caught up in the joy they got out of their
cars and started toward me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what
church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had
changed...
So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers, and drove on through the
intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through before the
light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave after
all the love we had shared.
So, I slowed my car down , learned out my window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks !
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