The Onion has gone downhill in the last few years, but sometimes they
still come up with a real gem.
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/49608
Report: U.S. May Have Been Abused During Formative Years
June 21, 2006 | Issue 42=B725
WASHINGTON, DC-A team of leading historians and psychiatrists issued
a report Wednesday claiming that the United States was likely the
victim of abuse by its founding fathers and motherland when it was a
young colony.
"In its adulthood, the U.S. displays all the classic tendencies of a
nation that was repeatedly mistreated in its infancy-difficulty
forming lasting foreign relationships, viewing everyone as a potential
enemy, and employing a pattern of assault and intimidation to assert
its power," said Dr. Howard Drexel, the report's lead author. "Because
of trust issues stemming from the abuse, America has become withdrawn,
has not made an ally in years, and often resents the few nations that
are willing to lend support-most countries outgrow this kind of
behavior after 230 years."
According to Drexel, nations that act out in selfish, self-destructive
ways in statehood were usually granted too much independence at an
early age, especially if the motherland had other newly annexed lands
to care for.
According to Yale University psychology professor John Bauffman, while
some rebellious behavior in a nation's adolescence is common, and
sometimes healthy, America's historically stormy relationship with
mother country Great Britain points to a deep need for acceptance.
"The U.S. is characteristic of an abused nation in that, even decades
after noisily pushing away from Britain, it still maintained close
contact with the motherland, took care of it, even giving it financial
aid-all the while fearing disapproval even though the parent country
is now old, decrepit, and powerless," said Bauffman, a prominent
contributor to the fourth edition of the Democratic Symptoms Of
Maltreatment handbook, or DSM-IV. "On the other hand, Canada, which was
raised in the very same continent by the same mother country, only
exercised small-scale resistance, remaining loyal well into its
maturity. Though some see Canada as cold and remote, it has, unlike the
U=2ES., managed to lead a peaceful, reasonably healthy existence."
Bauffman pointed to another telltale sign of abuse in the U.S.'s
tendency to bully, torture, and persecute less powerful, vulnerable
creatures, such as buffalo, passenger pigeons, forests, and Native
Americans.
Although the American nation appeared to be on the road to recovery by
the early 1990s, watershed events such as the open discussion of sexual
issues, a protracted custody battle in the closing months of 2000, and
a series of threats and physical attacks from enemy nations triggered
centuries of repressed memories and set off a recurring pattern of
violent outbursts and emotional volatility.
"America compensated for early mistreatment by taking out this pent-up
aggression on other nations-getting involved in aggressive conflicts
seemingly just for the thrill of it, starting arguments and wars that
can't be won, suspecting that everyone is out to get them," Drexel
said. "This nation needs help, but by its very nature, refuses to
accept it."
Drexel defended the study's findings amid claims that America's current
condition can be attributed to a much wider variety of factors.
"Granted, part of America's problems may stem from the fact that it was
burdened with a false sense of responsibility at a young age because of
the unrealistic expectations of the country's forefathers, and there is
certainly something to be said about America having been part of a
broken homeland for a four-year period in the mid-19th century," Drexel
said. "Even though the U.S. is over 200 years old, emotionally it's
younger than Lithuania."
Added Drexel: "But we must remember that the country also idealized the
forefathers in a classic victim-abuser relationship."
The report recommended that the United Nations Security Council once
again renew its efforts to organize an international intervention to
help the U.S. get the counseling it needs. Prior attempts have failed
to move beyond the planning stage, however, with many countries saying
they are afraid that the U.S. may lash out.
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