| Topic: |
Religions > Atheism |
| User: |
"Andres64" |
| Date: |
17 Mar 2005 01:31:13 PM |
| Object: |
St. Patrick's Day... |
Does America Really Need Another Excuse for Catholics to Get Drunk?
St. Patrick's Day
Freehold, Iowa - March is now upon us. It is the month that Catholics
cause to come in like a lion eating True Christians=99, and Baptists
rescue and make go out like the Lamb of God. Right at this very moment,
the Pope is instructing his new cardinals, all wearing dresses the
color of Satan's rump, to open the lower dungeons of the Vatican and
let loose their annual storehouse of malignant leprechaun spirits to
steal gold from wealthy, blessed Evangelicals and spread green leprosy
into the homes and upholstery of True Christians.
As always, Landover Baptist is well prepared for the demonic onslaught
this year. "Saint Patrick's Day is like green beer - something the Lord
never intended," says Pastor Deacon Fred. "We always get a little taste
of Catholic Hell on this 'so-called' holiday, made popular by Irish
layabouts, who seem to think it is a badge of honor to come from an
island without snakes - even though it is chock-full of
potato-boiling drunks. Fortunately, we have learned enough about
Catholics in the past year to gird ourselves in the armor of faith and
prepare for the invisible onslaught. For example, thanks to the work of
several fearless Baptists who worked spiritual reconnaissance as
undercover Sisters of Mercy last year, we now know that St. Patrick's
Day is referred to by all members of the Catholic cult as 'Green High
Mass.' The "High" is a reference to the opium-laced incense they swing
around in a big brass ball until the entire congregation is coughing
and screaming like Matthew Perry for one more hit of incense. After
several incantations by the priest, the leprechauns usually
shilly-shally their way out from under the toadstools they use to mark
their little green graves at the front of what the Catholics call their
"church." Ignorant folks think that leprechauns look like precocious
midgets with a little clay opium pipe, but I've seen scores of them and
I'm here to tell you that they all look like hamsters in a cheap suit."
So as not to be surprised by renegade leprechauns, Landover security
officers, painted green, crouch low, in wait for the leprechauns. "They
usually try to get in by the east gate," says Sgt. Richardson. "We go
through the same thing each year, and we are prepared with enough
ammunition to blow an army of those little green demons straight back
to Hell!" Following a 100-year-old tradition, 2,000 Landover Security
Officers start firing into the trees at midnight on Saint Patrick's
Day. The ammunition runs out about six hours later, and on good faith,
the officers leave the scene, knowing in their hearts that the forest
floor is littered with piles of dead leprechauns. "If it weren't for
them crafty Catholics believing in reincarnation, that would be the end
of it," laments Pastor Wilkins. "But those little green demons just
take on a new form." Church officials remark that all of the trees in
Freehold, Iowa sprout green leaves about a month after each slaughter.
Creation Scientists at Landover Baptist University for the Saved say
that the green in the leaves occurs when green leprechaun blood mixes
with tree sap and is pumped by each of the tree's hearts into the
leaves. "Those leaves are just like those sneaky leprechauns," says
Pastor Wilkins. "They look green and innocent for a while, but the Lord
finally strips them of their disguise. By the time October rolls
around, those leprechaun leaves are bright red, the color of Satan,
just before the Lord finally kills them and causes them to symbolically
"fall" just as that miserable, lying harlot Eve caused us all to do
6,000 years ago."
Pastor Deacon Fred explains that leprechaun blood not only causes trees
to sprout green leaves each Spring, it also is the source of an ancient
Irish disease called, "leprosy." Pastor says: "Any numbskull can see
that is why they are called 'leprechauns.' All you have to do is look
at those critters. Most of them are missing green fingers and toes.
It's hard to tell, cause they are so darned small, but take my word as
a Christian - a hobo's bank account has more digits." It is common
knowledge among Bible-Believing Baptists that St. Patrick, the first
Jesuit pederast, was high on liquor when he made a hellish pact with
Satan's cousin, the king of the leprechauns. In that pact, it was
decided that only a Jesuit priest who had given his soul utterly and
completely to Satan could command the visibility of leprechauns.
True Christian=99 scholars note that recently, with funding from the
Catholic Church, Hollywood has made several leprechaun movies in an
attempt to desensitize people to the dangers of leprosy. In all of the
films, they used the same photogenic leprechaun who was actually a
Jesuit priest's housebroken pet. True Christian insiders tell us that
during the first Hollywood Leprechaun film, nearly eight actors
contracted virulent cases of leprosy as a result of having to share a
make-up trailer with one of the ghastly little beasts. We also learned
that the creature was not as "tame" as the Jesuit priest implied. Each
day, after consuming a drink called "Black and Tan," which uses a beer
made of human excrement called "Guinness Stout," the leprechaun would
spiral into foul frenzy. "That little green critter attacked a
cameraman's testicles and gnawed off a child's arm to the shoulder,"
said Pastor Deacon Fred. "Children wouldn't be so eager to sit down to
a bowl of Lucky Charms, if they knew how many little tykes before them
have looked down to see their leprosy-riddled hand drop off their
little wrist and plop into a puddle of soggy cereal - still holding a
spoon - while a little leprechaun on the cereal box laughed without
shame."=20
http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0301/stpatrick.html
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| User: "Frank J Warner" |
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| Title: Re: St. Patrick's Day... |
17 Mar 2005 03:10:14 PM |
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In article <1111087873.842633.283930@f14g2000cwb.googlegroups.com>,
Andres64 <andresc64@excite.com> wrote:
Does America Really Need Another Excuse for Catholics to Get Drunk?
http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0301/stpatrick.html
Any excuse to get drunk is a good excuse. Hell, who needs an excuse?
-Frank
--
fwarner1-at-franksknives-dot-com
Here's some of my work:
http://www.franksknives.com/
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| User: "Jez" |
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| Title: Re: St. Patrick's Day... |
18 Mar 2005 05:43:21 AM |
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Frank J Warner wrote:
In article <1111087873.842633.283930@f14g2000cwb.googlegroups.com>,
Andres64 <andresc64@excite.com> wrote:
Does America Really Need Another Excuse for Catholics to Get Drunk?
http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0301/stpatrick.html
Any excuse to get drunk is a good excuse. Hell, who needs an excuse?
Not me !
--
Jez
'Realism is seductive because once you have accepted the reasonable
notion that you should base your actions on reality, you are too often
led to accept, without much questioning, someone else's version of what
that reality is. It is a crucial act of independent thinking to be
skeptical of someone else's description of reality.'-
Howard Zinn
NFS Underground2, Americas Army And MOH-PA
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