In a shocking new development the apostles Peter, Judas and "the one
Jesus loved" have broken thousands of years of silence to reveal that
they never saw Jesus walk on water.

Peter was quoted as saying, "I know he faked the walking on water
because I was there...and he faked other miracles too!"
"He regularly duked the system", Judas O'Neill added. Apparently he,
and other swiftboat fishermen now believe that Jesus just came to earth
to rack up a quick miracle count, so that he could run for higher office
in Heaven.

In a separate statement the apostles also complained about the abusive
language that Jesus F. Kerry constantly used about them, comparing them
to a "brood of vipers" and even saying, "get thee behind me Satan". A
growing list of almost 250 pharisees and saducees have gotten on board
with this movement, believing that Jesus "dishonored his Messiahship"
and "when the chips were down", took the cowards way out on the cross.

There are numerous documented instances where Jesus ran away from angry
crowds of enemy forces and even destroyed a whole herd of livestock, "in
a manner reminiscent of genghis khan". More importantly, Jesus betrayed
his race by suggesting that that gentile "dogs" deserved to be healed or
were eligible for salvation.

His close association with Mary-Jane (Fonda) Magdalene also brought
discredit upon him and disheartened fellow observant Jews who were
trying to keep Torah as best they could. "The way he broke sabbath and
contradicted the teaching of Moses really hurt", said Peter, who then
went on to deny Jesus several more times.

Amazingly, until relatively recently, all of these apostles had nothing
but good things to say about Jesus. However, a recent influx of
republican shekels appears to have allowed them to "recover memories"
that have forced the apostle to conclude Jesus is "Unfit to be God Made
Flesh".

Jesus apparently "lost his cool" according to Bush spokesman Satan
McClellan and filed charges with the Fundamentalist Eschatological
Committee which oversees all end-times evangelism and advertising of 666
organizations like "Swift Fishing-boat Apostles". Traditionally,
however, heavenly organizations like this have been impotent and
ineffective to the point that many doubt their existence.