| Topic: |
Religions > Atheism |
| User: |
"Fredric L. Rice" |
| Date: |
21 Oct 2005 09:46:06 PM |
| Object: |
The Tom Cruise Baby -- Waiter, Paternity Check, Please |
The Tom Cruise Baby -- Waiter, Paternity Check, Please
Stuttgart, Germany
ARS -- 20/Oct/05
For Immediate Release
"Having my baby. What a wonderful way to say, 'I'm not gay.'" --
The Corbert Report
The world was shocked -- shocked! -- to hear that long time actor
and long time heterosexual Tom Cruise has plans to reproduce
himself, a threat which both critics and fans of the actor say
could spell the beginning of the end for humanity -- if not for
all life on Earth -- depending upon the method of reproduction
chosen.
Exactly how this bizarre and unholy birth will be accomplished
has not yet been disclosed yet sources close to the actor
ominously suggest that it could "happen any time soon." The
expected event, it's said, conveys as much dread among Los
Angeles and Hollywood citizens as the pending "Big One," the
massive San Andreas earthquake that could also "happen any time
soon."
Dr. Freidrich Rhyce, professor of psychiatry at the Marcabian
Institute of Psychiatry (MIP), Stuttgart, Germany has been
contracted by the head of the newly reorganized FEMA, the Federal
Emergency Management Agency tasked with disaster relief and
mitigation within the United States. Dr. Rhyce suggests a number
of possibilities on how such a birth might be accomplished.
"Vee art findink several veys in whitched acktor Tom Cruise might
be successful in vitch to have zee baby," Dr. Rhyce stated at a
hastily organized press conference in Stuttgart. The Doctor
enumerated the following possibilities:
o The so-called "Pee Wee Herman" method which involves
extricating long chain nucleotide sequences from the actor,
collecting the material into a paper Dixie cup after which the
genetic material is safely transferred to the female subject via
a medical device doctors call a "Turkey Baster." "Dis method can
be quite painful to zee turkey," Dr. Rhyce added, "and should be
avoided."
o The so-called "Kennedy Method" which requires one or more
bottles of Jack Daniels -- though Dr. Rhyce suggested that a
large quantity of peppermint schnapps is the preferred method in
Germany. This method is medically safe and the subject is left
with no memory of the disgusting genetic material exchange
straight from the subject to the target female which takes place
while the subject is safely passed out.
o The "Think of England" method where the subject lies back and
thinks of something less disgusting while the sperm transfer
takes place. Dr. Rhyce suggested that for this particular case,
Scientology founder, humanitarian, and science fiction writer L.
Ron Hubbard might be a good choice to think of.
o The "Boys from Brazil" method, also known as "cloning" is the
one that Dr. Rhyce -- indeed the world -- is worried about the
most. Cells taken from the actor could be used to create exact
replicas of Tom Cruise, resulting in an army of equally subhuman
mirror images right down to its more disgusting behavioral traits
-- such as couch jumping and yarking off insanely about the
mental health industry.
"Zee consequences of der army of Toms Cruises, if allowed to
sairvive, spells der end unt us all," Rhyce warns. "Vee must
hope zat if dis think goes forwart, zat a single sterile female
is produced. You all zaw der movie, 'Species', ya?"
If there's one hope for humanity, Dr. Rhyce notes, it's the
possibility that Cruise is himself sterile, the result of many
years of holding electrified tin cans in a Scientology ritual
known as "Auditing" whereby Scientology customers pay large
amounts of money to scrape off their invisible murdered space
alien fragments which infest them that they call "Body Thetans."
"Dair is zee slight chance zat dis Cruise has cooked his noots
enough dat he can't no longair produce offsprink through any
method not available wid der science or der schnapps. Vee must
all pray to der Gott dat dis is so."
Dr. Rhyce can be reached at
Addendum: If you don't know this is a joke, you don't deserve to
breed, either.
---
http://www.ElmerFudd.US/ http://www.notserver.com/
http://sf.irk.ru/www/ot3/otiii-gif.html
http://www.rightard.org/ http://www.thedarkwind.org/
http://www.scienTOMogy.info - More Tom Cruise than HBO
.
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| User: "" |
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| Title: Re: The Tom Cruise Baby -- Waiter, Paternity Check, Please |
22 Oct 2005 01:51:37 AM |
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Fredric L. Rice wrote:
The Tom Cruise Baby -- Waiter, Paternity Check, Please
Stuttgart, Germany
ARS -- 20/Oct/05
For Immediate Release
"Having my baby. What a wonderful way to say, 'I'm not gay.'" --
The Corbert Report
The world was shocked -- shocked! -- to hear that long time actor
and long time heterosexual Tom Cruise has plans to reproduce
himself, a threat which both critics and fans of the actor say
could spell the beginning of the end for humanity -- if not for
all life on Earth -- depending upon the method of reproduction
chosen.
Exactly how this bizarre and unholy birth will be accomplished
has not yet been disclosed yet sources close to the actor
ominously suggest that it could "happen any time soon." The
expected event, it's said, conveys as much dread among Los
Angeles and Hollywood citizens as the pending "Big One," the
massive San Andreas earthquake that could also "happen any time
soon."
Keith Olbermann suggests the "Rosemary's Baby" method,
of someone else being paid to boff Holmes. Obviously
Holms is weak willed and impressionable, unlike
Penelope Cruz. (Imagine that one, Cruise and Cruz.)
Personally, I think Cruise has been talking to Michael
Jackson about turkey basters and fantasizing with pics
of John Travolta....
Bob Dog
Atheist #153 = 1^3 + 5^3 + 3^3
EAC's chief cook and brainwasher
-----
"I always thought our house was haunted,
'Cause nobody said boo to me."
- John Hiatt
.
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| User: "Fredric L. Rice" |
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| Title: Re: The Tom Cruise Baby -- Waiter, Paternity Check, Please |
22 Oct 2005 11:33:49 AM |
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wrote:
Fredric L. Rice wrote:
The Tom Cruise Baby -- Waiter, Paternity Check, Please
Stuttgart, Germany ARS -- 20/Oct/05 For Immediate Release
"Having my baby. What a wonderful way to say, 'I'm not gay.'" -- The Corbert Report
Keith Olbermann suggests the "Rosemary's Baby" method, of someone else
being paid to boff Holmes. Obviously Holms is weak willed and
impressionable, unlike Penelope Cruz. (Imagine that one, Cruise and Cruz.)
Damn! I forgot about the Rosemary Method!
Personally, I think Cruise has been talking to Michael Jackson about
turkey basters and fantasizing with pics of John Travolta....
Yep.
---
http://www.ElmerFudd.US/ http://www.notserver.com/
http://sf.irk.ru/www/ot3/otiii-gif.html
http://www.rightard.org/ http://www.thedarkwind.org/
http://www.scienTOMogy.info - More Tom Cruise than HBO
.
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| User: "Midjis" |
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| Title: Re: The Tom Cruise Baby -- Waiter, Paternity Check, Please |
22 Oct 2005 09:19:52 AM |
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wrote:
Keith Olbermann suggests the "Rosemary's Baby" method,
of someone else being paid to boff Holmes. Obviously
Holms is weak willed and impressionable, unlike
Penelope Cruz. (Imagine that one, Cruise and Cruz.)
Personally, I think Cruise has been talking to Michael
Jackson about turkey basters and fantasizing with pics
of John Travolta....
Okay, here's some Usenet heresy for you:
Personally, I can't see that there's all that much wrong with Tom Cruise.
Shock horror. "Midjis, explain yourself before we burn you."
Granted he's something of a prima donna by all accounts (although I don't
know him so I can't really say); he's involved in what I personally
believe is a nutcase cult, although he's as entitled to his beliefs as
anyone else, even if they are peculiar; and he's irritatingly vocal when
it comes to his love life, although there are plenty of people guilty of
that.
Otherwise, he's worked on some pretty respectable films (I'm thinking
particularly of 'The Last Samurai', 'Top Gun', 'Interview With The
Vampire', and the like - I didn't rate 'War of the Worlds' at all), and
aside from that he doesn't have much bearing on my life.
Those who attack him fall into the same trap as those who fete him: they
believe he's more than he actually is. And what he is is a guy doing a
job. Yes, it's a ridiculously highly-paid job (although it's a given I
wouldn't complain if I was being paid as much), and yes, it's a job that
makes him an influence on the mob, which makes him of interest - but it
is only a job, and he does it pretty well, and as far as I'm concerned
that's as far as I can go in judging him.
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| User: "" |
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| Title: Re: The Tom Cruise Baby -- Waiter, Paternity Check, Please |
23 Oct 2005 09:38:28 AM |
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Midjis wrote:
bg12345@apexmail.com wrote:
Keith Olbermann suggests the "Rosemary's Baby" method,
of someone else being paid to boff Holmes. Obviously
Holms is weak willed and impressionable, unlike
Penelope Cruz. (Imagine that one, Cruise and Cruz.)
Personally, I think Cruise has been talking to Michael
Jackson about turkey basters and fantasizing with pics
of John Travolta....
Okay, here's some Usenet heresy for you:
Personally, I can't see that there's all that much wrong with Tom Cruise.
Shock horror. "Midjis, explain yourself before we burn you."
Granted he's something of a prima donna by all accounts (although I don't
know him so I can't really say); he's involved in what I personally
believe is a nutcase cult, although he's as entitled to his beliefs as
anyone else, even if they are peculiar; and he's irritatingly vocal when
it comes to his love life, although there are plenty of people guilty of
that.
Even *if* he holds them anymore, he doesn't leave because
of the "N gram" readings and the threat of blackmail.
Otherwise, he's worked on some pretty respectable films (I'm thinking
particularly of 'The Last Samurai', 'Top Gun', 'Interview With The
Vampire', and the like - I didn't rate 'War of the Worlds' at all), and
aside from that he doesn't have much bearing on my life.
Tom Cruise? Respectable films? A white guy going to Japan
to tell them how to fight, and the 5th most cheesy line in
film history, "You can be my wingman anytime" from Top Gun?
Matt Dillon has done better work.
Bob Dog
Atheist #153 = 1^3 + 5^3 + 3^3
EAC's chief cook and brainwasher
-----
"I always thought our house was haunted,
'Cause nobody said boo to me."
- John Hiatt
.
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| User: "Jude Alexander Jude @south.usa" |
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| Title: Re: The Tom Cruise Baby -- Waiter, Paternity Check, Please |
23 Oct 2005 09:49:28 AM |
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(to nobody specificially)
Where Tom Cruise went wrong is he forgot Hollywood Rule #323. NEVER break
the illusion.
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| User: "Fredric L. Rice" |
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| Title: Re: The Tom Cruise Baby -- Waiter, Paternity Check, Please |
23 Oct 2005 11:15:18 AM |
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"Jude Alexander" <Jude @south.usa> wrote:
(to nobody specificially)
Where Tom Cruise went wrong is he forgot Hollywood Rule #323. NEVER break
the illusion.
My problem with him is he's selling frauds to gullible people. His
insane quack medical notions may already have prompted people to
suicide. To be sure he's suckered people out of their money.
---
http://www.ElmerFudd.US/ http://www.notserver.com/
http://sf.irk.ru/www/ot3/otiii-gif.html
http://www.rightard.org/ http://www.thedarkwind.org/
http://www.scienTOMogy.info - More Tom Cruise than HBO
.
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| User: "Midjis" |
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| Title: Re: The Tom Cruise Baby -- Waiter, Paternity Check, Please |
23 Oct 2005 04:41:50 PM |
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(Fredric L. Rice) wrote:
My problem with him is he's selling frauds to gullible people. His
insane quack medical notions may already have prompted people to
suicide. To be sure he's suckered people out of their money.
But this is a matter of where you wish the buck to stop. Cruise is a
member of the Scientology cult precisely because HE is a gullible person.
So is he the one at fault, or is he the one we should be pitying? And if
the former, why? And would the gullible people who sign up because they
see Cruise doing it then deserve the same criticism as him, or not?
Ultimately the blame for the existence of Scientology lies with L. Ron
Hubbard.
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| User: "Fredric L. Rice" |
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| Title: Re: The Tom Cruise Baby -- Waiter, Paternity Check, Please |
23 Oct 2005 11:37:05 PM |
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Midjis <midwinter_m@hotmail.co.uk> wrote:
FRice@SkepticTank.ORG (Fredric L. Rice) wrote:
My problem with him is he's selling frauds to gullible people. His
insane quack medical notions may already have prompted people to
suicide. To be sure he's suckered people out of their money.
But this is a matter of where you wish the buck to stop. Cruise is a
member of the Scientology cult precisely because HE is a gullible person.
So is he the one at fault, or is he the one we should be pitying? And if
the former, why? And would the gullible people who sign up because they
see Cruise doing it then deserve the same criticism as him, or not?
Ultimately the blame for the existence of Scientology lies with L. Ron Hubbard.
This is actually a subject that comes up regularly. The rubes who
honestly believe _should_ be pitied because they're certainly victims.
The people who tied Lisa McPherson to her bed when she tried to
escape from the cult also honestly thought they were saving her
despite the fact they wound up merdering her -- charged which
would have stuck had Joan Woods been stronger.
I don't think Cruise's antics entitle him to zero culpability.
---
http://www.ElmerFudd.US/ http://www.notserver.com/
http://sf.irk.ru/www/ot3/otiii-gif.html
http://www.rightard.org/ http://www.thedarkwind.org/
http://www.scienTOMogy.info - More Tom Cruise than HBO
.
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| User: "Midjis" |
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| Title: Re: The Tom Cruise Baby -- Waiter, Paternity Check, Please |
24 Oct 2005 04:46:03 AM |
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(Fredric L. Rice) wrote:
This is actually a subject that comes up regularly. The rubes who
honestly believe _should_ be pitied because they're certainly victims.
The people who tied Lisa McPherson to her bed when she tried to
escape from the cult also honestly thought they were saving her
despite the fact they wound up merdering her -- charged which
would have stuck had Joan Woods been stronger.
I don't think Cruise's antics entitle him to zero culpability.
Perhaps not - but we should at least consider whether he is a genuine
believer or not. It is possible that he genuinely does not realise how
harmful his particular religion can be. He is, after all, immensely rich -
which means that Scientology will not harm him as much as it might harm
someone with lesser financial resources. But does that make him any less a
'rube'?
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| User: "Fredric L. Rice" |
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| Title: Re: The Tom Cruise Baby -- Waiter, Paternity Check, Please |
24 Oct 2005 09:45:38 PM |
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Midjis <midwinter_m@hotmail.co.uk> wrote:
FRice@SkepticTank.ORG (Fredric L. Rice) wrote:
This is actually a subject that comes up regularly. The rubes who
honestly believe _should_ be pitied because they're certainly victims.
I don't think Cruise's antics entitle him to zero culpability.
Perhaps not - but we should at least consider whether he is a genuine
believer or not. It is possible that he genuinely does not realise how
harmful his particular religion can be. He is, after all, immensely rich -
which means that Scientology will not harm him as much as it might harm
someone with lesser financial resources. But does that make him any less a 'rube'?
At a protest in Los Angeles, someone dressed up as Xenu was outside
a place where Cruise was. Cruise refused to meet the people waiting
outside to catch a glimpse of him until Xenu left. Before it could
result in an assault against Xenu, someone else with the protest went
and told Xenu he should leave before getting beaten.
After Xenu left, Cruise still refused to come out. He really is
frightened to space aliens.
---
http://www.ElmerFudd.US/ http://www.notserver.com/
http://sf.irk.ru/www/ot3/otiii-gif.html
http://www.rightard.org/ http://www.thedarkwind.org/
http://www.scienTOMogy.info - More Tom Cruise than HBO
.
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| User: "Midjis" |
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| Title: Re: The Tom Cruise Baby -- Waiter, Paternity Check, Please |
25 Oct 2005 04:37:51 AM |
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(Fredric L. Rice) wrote:
But does that make him any less a 'rube'?
At a protest in Los Angeles, someone dressed up as Xenu was outside
a place where Cruise was. Cruise refused to meet the people waiting
outside to catch a glimpse of him until Xenu left. Before it could
result in an assault against Xenu, someone else with the protest went
and told Xenu he should leave before getting beaten.
After Xenu left, Cruise still refused to come out. He really is
frightened to space aliens.
I would say that makes the answer 'no', then.
By the way, did L. Ron ever actually describe Xenu?
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| User: "Fredric L. Rice" |
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| Title: Re: The Tom Cruise Baby -- Waiter, Paternity Check, Please |
25 Oct 2005 09:43:41 AM |
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Midjis <midwinter_m@hotmail.co.uk> wrote:
FRice@SkepticTank.ORG (Fredric L. Rice) wrote:
But does that make him any less a 'rube'?
After Xenu left, Cruise still refused to come out. He really is
frightened to space aliens.
I would say that makes the answer 'no', then.
By the way, did L. Ron ever actually describe Xenu?
I don't believe that Xenu was ever physicaly described. It appeared
to be a science fiction story he later called "Excaliber" that was
never sold but which has been passed around the Internet.
---
http://www.ElmerFudd.US/ http://www.notserver.com/
http://sf.irk.ru/www/ot3/otiii-gif.html
http://www.rightard.org/ http://www.thedarkwind.org/
http://www.scienTOMogy.info - More Tom Cruise than HBO
.
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| User: "Fredric L. Rice" |
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| Title: Re: The Tom Cruise Baby -- Waiter, Paternity Check, Please |
25 Oct 2005 08:14:58 PM |
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(Fredric L. Rice) wrote:
Midjis <midwinter_m@hotmail.co.uk> wrote:
(Fredric L. Rice) wrote:
But does that make him any less a 'rube'?
After Xenu left, Cruise still refused to come out. He really is
frightened to space aliens.
I would say that makes the answer 'no', then.
By the way, did L. Ron ever actually describe Xenu?
Oh: "Revolt in the Stars" is also another twisted version of the Xenu
story.
---
http://www.ElmerFudd.US/ http://www.notserver.com/
http://sf.irk.ru/www/ot3/otiii-gif.html
http://www.rightard.org/ http://www.thedarkwind.org/
http://www.scienTOMogy.info - More Tom Cruise than HBO
.
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| User: "Midjis" |
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| Title: Re: The Tom Cruise Baby -- Waiter, Paternity Check, Please |
26 Oct 2005 10:28:01 AM |
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(Fredric L. Rice) wrote:
Oh: "Revolt in the Stars" is also another twisted version of the Xenu
story.
There are only twisted versions of the Xenu story.
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| User: "georgann" |
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| Title: Re: The Tom Cruise Baby -- Waiter, Paternity Check, Please |
25 Oct 2005 06:45:00 AM |
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Midjis wrote:
Ultimately the blame for the existence of Scientology lies with L. Ron
Hubbard.
georgann (forgiven since 33 AD) wrote:
A dead guy, btw, who is still dead.
--
(`'·.¸(`'·.¸(`'·.¸ ¸.·'´)¸.·'´)¸.·'´)
«´¨`·.¸¸ ¸¸.·´¨ `»
(confounding the nonsense of Gnosticism with one verse)
John 14:9 ... "He who has seen Me has seen the Father..."
- Jesus Christ
(¸.·'´(¸.·'´(¸.·'´ `'·.¸)`'·.¸)`'·.¸)
.
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| User: "Midjis" |
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| Title: Re: The Tom Cruise Baby -- Waiter, Paternity Check, Please |
25 Oct 2005 08:19:53 AM |
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georgann <chenault@mindspring.com> wrote:
A dead guy, btw, who is still dead.
Yes indeed - but whose twisted legacy lives on.
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| User: "Midjis" |
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| Title: Re: The Tom Cruise Baby -- Waiter, Paternity Check, Please |
23 Oct 2005 04:39:11 PM |
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wrote:
Tom Cruise? Respectable films? A white guy going to Japan
to tell them how to fight, and the 5th most cheesy line in
film history, "You can be my wingman anytime" from Top Gun?
Personally, if I want intellectual stimulation, I read a book. If I want
to be entertained, I watch a movie. The films I mentioned served that
purpose quite adequately.
Incidentally, had you watched The Last Samurai, you would know that while
the white guy goes to Japan to tell them how to fight, he ends up learning
a new way of life from them. It might not be highbrow social commentary,
admittedly (see my point above) but it was quite different from your brief
summary.
.
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| User: "" |
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| Title: Re: The Tom Cruise Baby -- Waiter, Paternity Check, Please |
24 Oct 2005 03:56:50 AM |
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Midjis wrote:
bg12345@apexmail.com wrote:
Incidentally, had you watched The Last Samurai, you would know that while
the white guy goes to Japan to tell them how to fight, he ends up learning
a new way of life from them. It might not be highbrow social commentary,
admittedly (see my point above) but it was quite different from your brief
summary.
There's the rub: I don't watch Tom Cruise or John Travolta
movies or would ever pay to rent them. Part of their share
of any royalties is funneled to the $cientology cult, so I
don't want my dollars going there.
I also try to avoid anything with Jenna Elfman, Isaac Hayes
(Chef of South Park) and Nancy Cartwright (Bart Simpsons'
voice) for the same reason.
Bob Dog
Atheist #153 = 1^3 + 5^3 + 3^3
EAC's chief cook and brainwasher
-----
"I always thought our house was haunted,
'Cause nobody said boo to me."
- John Hiatt
.
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| User: "Midjis" |
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| Title: Re: The Tom Cruise Baby -- Waiter, Paternity Check, Please |
24 Oct 2005 04:48:43 AM |
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wrote:
There's the rub: I don't watch Tom Cruise or John Travolta
movies or would ever pay to rent them. Part of their share
of any royalties is funneled to the $cientology cult, so I
don't want my dollars going there.
As you wish. However, as far as I am concerned it is up to each individual
to decide how and where they spend their earnings. That goes for you and
me as much as it goes for Cruise or Travolta, or any other actor.
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