Source: The Spoof! 31 May 2005
QUOTE
Just days after calling psychiatry a fraud, Hollywood superstar and
Church of Scientology devotee Tom Cruise is now declaring war on
another sacred cow of the medical world. In an exclusive interview on
Access Hollywood, the star of the upcoming surefire blockbuster "War of
the Worlds" blasted the use of anesthesia, labeling the sedation of
patients during painful, life-threatening surgeries as "dangerous
pseudo-scientific drug abuse."
"I'm ready to tackle the myths about anesthesia head on," Cruise told
Access Hollywood. "People say anesthesia is safe. They're being drugged
up and put in a virtual coma, even for hours at a time. That is just
irresponsible and crazy."
And the movie hunk also shared some of his own personal experiences
with ultra-orthodox physicians bent on sedating patients during
excruciatingly painful procedures.
"When I was a kid I had to have my appendix removed," said Cruise, "and
the doctors wanted to use anesthesia. Well, thank goodness my mother
wouldn't let them. Instead I bit on a Mongol warrior spear and chanted
the Ceaseless Chant of Immortality to the Supreme Cosmic Redeemer. And
I'm thankful for that."
Cruise also said he thinks the persistent use of anesthesia has had
serious negative effects on society, pointing to a decline in SAT
scores and educational standards, increased drug abuse among adults and
children, and the general public's tendency to waste $10-$15 of their
hard-earned cash and two or three hours of their precious lives on some
mindless, special effects swill in which an artificially buff pretty
boy smites giant reptilian extraterrestrials.
But unlike Cruise's recent attack on psychiatry, which only prompted
backlash from Brooke Shields, heavy-hitters of the American medical
community are fighting back, calling the actor's comments dangerous,
irresponsible and just downright insane.
"Anesthesia is one of the greatest discoveries in the history of
medicine," retorted Dr. John Nelson, president of the American Medical
Association. "It has saved literally millions of lives. Is this guy for
real?"
"I know Mr. Cruise doesn't believe in psychiatry, which is a real
shame," snapped Dr. John Donlon of Harvard Medical School's Department
of Anesthesiology, "because he clearly needs some serious counseling if
he thinks amputations or heart bypass surgeries should be performed
along with L. Ron Hubbard readings instead of under general
anesthesia."
But despite the immediate counterattacks by esteemed Medical
professionals, Cruise is standing by his controversial indictment of
anesthesia, and he's even promoting an alternative to the generally
accepted practice of sedating patients during major medical operations.
A Level III Operating Thetan in the Church of Scientology, Cruise
provided Access Hollywood viewers with a program for fighting pain
without unnecessary anesthesia.
"The sensation of pain is not actual pain," Cruise explained. "What
you're experiencing is actually an engram, or a negative mental image
picture, from the pain you experienced 75 billion years ago when you
were imprisoned by the Galactic Overlord Xenu. A steady program of
thetan-cleansing will easily eradicate any pain sensations and thus the
need for anesthesia. It's simple, it's proven and it works."
Unfortunately, Cruise did not go any further into this amazing process
that will someday make anesthesia obsolete, instead shifting the topic
to his latest inamorata, actress Katie Holmes, who came out to join
Cruise for the second half of the Access Hollywood interview. And the
26-year-old former "Dawson's Creek" star steadfastly backed up her new
beau regarding his polemic against anesthesia and his belief in
Scientology, which some critics have harshly characterized as a quack
religion and a brainwashing cult of scam artists.
"Anesthesia is a fraud. Psychiatry is pseudo-science," intoned a
glassy-eyed Holmes. "Scientology is the only true religion."
"I love this woman," Cruise interrupted with a passionate kiss and then
leapt on top of a nearby table and began to do furious jumping jacks.
"I love you too, Tom" continued Holmes in an eerie monotone. "Tom is
the most wonderful man I've ever met. He is the most virile man I've
ever known. He is definitely not a homosexual."
"That's enough, honey," Cruise interrupted.
"Tom has never ever had sex with a man," Holmes went on. "Tom does not
have a stable of leather-clad teenage boys tied up in the dungeon of
his Hollywood mansion that would be the envy of Michael Jackson."
"OK, that's good, Katie," Cruise broke in, appearing to shut off his
new flame with a curious hand gesture.
But while Cruise may have the new woman in his life convinced that
anesthesia is an unnecessary act of medical drug abuse, and that he's
not a flaming homosexual, the medical community is not likely to give
up this fight.
"There is only one thing that I believe in more than the efficacy and
the importance of anesthesia in performing major surgery," says Dr.
Ronald Pearl, chairman of Stanford University's Department of
Anesthesiology, "and that's the absolute scientific certainty that Tom
Cruise is an insatiable butt pirate. I'll stake my professional
reputation on it."
Undaunted by such attacks on Scientology and his sexual preference,
Cruise is scheduled to appear on Access Hollywood again next week to
dismiss another widely accepted discipline of modern medicine. So if
you want to see Tom Cruise lambaste the discovery of antibiotics, the
polio vaccine or maybe the need for humans to have a functioning spinal
cord, tune into Access Hollywood next week. Or if you just want to see
Tom Cruise waste lots of aliens for a couple of hours on the big screen
instead of pontificating on TV like a Svengali cult leader, "War of the
Worlds" opens on June 29th.
In the meantime, to satisfy your moviegoing pleasures and your need for
cutting edge medical news, check out the new "Star Wars" flick. Folks
say it's pretty darn entertaining, and that whole "Force" thing could
be a real medical breakthrough.
END QUOTE
--------------
P.S.:
It's the Spoof!
"The story as represented above is written as a satire or parody. It is
fictitious."
http://www.thespoof.com/news/spoof.cfm?headline=s4i8393
---
http://www.ElmerFudd.US/ http://www.notserver.com/
Scientology crooks: http://sf.irk.ru/www/ot3/otiii-gif.html
http://PerkinsTragedy.org http://www.rightard.org/
End Republican race hatred: http://www.thedarkwind.org/
.
|
