http://www.pugbus.net/artman/publish/virginbirth_102305.shtml
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes Expecting Virgin Birth
By Phil Maggitti
Oct 23, 2005, 10:21
HOLLYWOOD- Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are expecting their first
Scientologist next
spring. Given the public displays of tonsil hockey put on by Cruise, 43,
and Holmes, 26,
in the world's major capitals earlier this year, their announcement is
about as surprising
as Courtney Love revealing that she has another date with the jumper cables
at a rehab
clinic. What sets the Cruise-Holmes announcement apart, however, is Cruise'
insistence
that Holmes is still a virgin and will remain one until after they are
married.
"That is a value that's so important to Katie and me," said Cruise from his
elevated chair
in the Scientology tent on the set of Mission Impossible: 3. "Couples who
can't wait until
marriage to open their most intimate gifts do not have the discipline to be
decent parents
and, like Brooke Shields, are often punished with severe postpartum
depression."
Members of the press reacted with some skepticism to the news that Katie
Holmes will join
the Blessed Virgin Mary in a select club whose membership is open only to
women who manage
to conceive without having intercourse. In Mary's case the "birth father"
of her baby
Jesus, was the Holy Spirit, the third person of the Blessed Trinity, whose
other members,
God the Father and God the Son, live on the Big Ponderosa Ranch in the Sky.
In Holmes case, the birth father of her child is the late L. Ron Hubbard,
the science
fiction writer who founded the Scientology cult in 1954. Hubbard, who
claimed to have
visited the planet Venus, is believed to have ascended there following his
death in 1986.
According to Cruise, "the rest of the world will know by the imprint of
three dollar
signs-$$$-on our baby's head that he is the child of L. Ron Hubbard come to
lead his
people home."
Despite the skepticism of the press, Scientologists greeted Cruise'
announcement with
enthusiasm.
"That really takes a weight off my shoulders," said Fat Actress star,
Kirstie Alley.
"Scientologists have been waiting nearly twenty years for the second coming
of L. Ron
Hubbard. Soon it will be time to board the Mothership."
Scientologists like Alley, Cruise, Beck Hansen, Greta van Susteren, John
Travolta, Jenna
Elfman, and Priscilla Presley believe all human beings are Thetans, the
descendants of two
creatures from another galaxy who were left on Earth by the Mothership
millions of years
ago. Thetans are born with Original Dysfunction, a state of confusion and
longing for
drugs inherited from the two original Thetans, Mork and Mindy, who refused
to donate any
of their fruit to the First Universal Cooperative. Therefore, all Thetans
are possessed of
Engrams, physical and emotional scars acquired in previous lives, and are
doomed to endure
successive reincarnations on Earth until they have donated a sufficient
amount of money to
Scientology.
Only by rigorous monitoring and cleansing-which can be purchased by cash,
certified check,
money order, or credit card other than American Express-can Thetans hope to
become clear,
i.e., free of Engrams and fabulously wealthy. Once Thetans have become
fabulously wealthy,
they can afford to buy their way onto the Mothership and eternal bliss on
Venus.
According to Alley, Cruise' leaping onto the couch on the Oprah show was
his way of
signaling that he was ready to leave this planet (the floor) and go home to
Venus (the
couch). The number of times Cruised jumped up and down on the couch
signaled the amount,
in millions, that he was willing to pay to book passage on the Mothership.
"Dropping to one knee signified Tom's allegiance to Scientology," said
Alley, "while the
gay, muscle-boy pose signaled his attainment of a clear state, free of the
influence of
Engrams and testosterone."
By seizing Oprah's hands and waving her arms from side to side, "Tom was
waving good-bye
to the shallow, materialistic culture that Oprah represents. Of course, by
dragging Katie
Holmes on stage, Tom was signaling that he wanted her to bear L. Ron
Hubbard's child once
she had converted to Scientology and had donated enough money to cleanse
her Engrams."
Next Oprah: Harriet Miers, Author of the Virginity Pledge
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http://www.scienTOMogy.info - More Tom Cruise than HBO
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