An Easter Blessing
Originally posted on alt.atheism April 15, 2001

Beloved, let us rejoice, for this is a time of celebration. In the true
spirit of this season, let our hearts be gladdened, and let us pray and pay
tribute to the deity in whose honor this holiday comes...

...Eastre, the Germanic goddess of spring.

No, no, wait, that's not right. Let's try again.

Please forgive our previous silly mistake. As we all well know, beloved,
this holiday comes not because of any primitive druidic goddess, but rather
in honor of a heroic figure, a true god among men, who was born of a mortal
woman and a divine Father. As should be obvious by now, the name of this
very special child was...

...Hercules.

No - hold on. That can't be right either.

Of course, of course. The hero of our story, the one whom we have gathered
here to thank, was no figure of pagan Greek polytheism. He was a redeemer,
one who came to earth to lift up sinful and ignorant humans, knowing full
well he would pay the ultimate price for his actions, but willing to go
ahead anyway out of love and compassion. As you all know, this blessed
Savior was called...

...Prometheus.

No, no, give us just a minute. We'll get it right.

We all know full well who is being described here, of course. He is the one,
the One, who defeated death itself and rose from the grave, in a miracle
that no other would-be savior has ever been able to duplicate. By
dramatically displaying his power over death, he proved once and for all
that he was the single true god. And his name was...

...Osiris.

No, wait. That's not right either. Of course! What a ridiculous error to
make. Our apologies.

Beloved, only one god fits this description. You know him well -- millions
of you around the world today worship him. He was born of a virgin and
visited while still an infant by wise men who were guided to him by a star.
He lived in a small province whose evil ruler sought to have him killed
before he could rise to power, but his parents were warned by a heavenly
messenger who instructed them to take their child to a neighboring district,
where he would be safe from the slaughter. This miracle child would come to
grow up and perform many great deeds, and the timeless and moving story of
his life was recounted throughout history and still rings true today. I
refer of course to...

...Krishna.

Is that right? That can't be right, can it?

No! Beloved, the god to whom I refer stands alone, unique, head and
shoulders above the myths and fables of the false religions. No other savior
ever claimed to duplicate his deeds. No other prophet was anything at all
like him. He, and he alone, was crucified. He, and he alone, died on a cross
for the sins of mankind. What other so-called savior can make such a claim?
Only one person fits that description. You know this person well - his
birthday falls near the end of the year, on December 25. As should be more
than obvious by now, this person can only be the one who was called...

...Mithras.

That doesn't seem right either...

Of course. That, too, is incorrect. My most sincere apologies. Beloved, do
not let these slight slips of the tongue distract you from the power of the
message I bring. Our religion is the one true religion. The claims of all
others crumble under scrutiny, but ours and ours alone is validated, again
and again, by historical fact. It was the first of its kind to make such
claims as these; all others are merely impostors which sought to capitalize
on its fame. Our savior cannot be mistaken for any other. He performed
countless miracles on earth, miracles well attested to by bystanders. He
healed the sick and the crippled, restored sight to the blind, cast out
demons, yea, even raised the dead! His birth was of a virgin, foretold by an
angel. While still a child, he exhibited extraordinary knowledge of
religious scripture. He reformed the corrupt and worldly religions of his
day. He was crucified, rose from the tomb and appeared to his disciples to
prove to them his power over death, after which he ascended to Heaven to sit
at the right hand of the Father. He was known as "the Son of God!" No other
religion can make such claims! No other savior proved his divinity again and
again to so many! No one can doubt his power or the truth of the message he
brought. His memory will live forever. How can he be mistaken for anyone
else? Of course, by now there is not a shred of doubt in any of your minds.
You know as well as I do to whom I am referring. We must worship him, pay
tribute to his memory, and focus on spreading his message of love and
compassion; that, after everything, is the true meaning of Easter. Come,
beloved, let us pray and honor the divine prophet whom I have just
described. Let us glory in the everlasting love of...

...Apollonius of Tyana.

Wait - wait - wait - eh, you know what? Screw this.

An Easter Blessing
Originally posted on alt.atheism April 15, 2001

Beloved, let us rejoice, for this is a time of celebration. In the true
spirit of this season, let our hearts be gladdened, and let us pray and pay
tribute to the deity in whose honor this holiday comes...

...Eastre, the Germanic goddess of spring.

No, no, wait, that's not right. Let's try again.

Please forgive our previous silly mistake. As we all well know, beloved,
this holiday comes not because of any primitive druidic goddess, but rather
in honor of a heroic figure, a true god among men, who was born of a mortal
woman and a divine Father. As should be obvious by now, the name of this
very special child was...

...Hercules.

No - hold on. That can't be right either.

Of course, of course. The hero of our story, the one whom we have gathered
here to thank, was no figure of pagan Greek polytheism. He was a redeemer,
one who came to earth to lift up sinful and ignorant humans, knowing full
well he would pay the ultimate price for his actions, but willing to go
ahead anyway out of love and compassion. As you all know, this blessed
Savior was called...

...Prometheus.

No, no, give us just a minute. We'll get it right.

We all know full well who is being described here, of course. He is the one,
the One, who defeated death itself and rose from the grave, in a miracle
that no other would-be savior has ever been able to duplicate. By
dramatically displaying his power over death, he proved once and for all
that he was the single true god. And his name was...

...Osiris.

No, wait. That's not right either. Of course! What a ridiculous error to
make. Our apologies.

Beloved, only one god fits this description. You know him well -- millions
of you around the world today worship him. He was born of a virgin and
visited while still an infant by wise men who were guided to him by a star.
He lived in a small province whose evil ruler sought to have him killed
before he could rise to power, but his parents were warned by a heavenly
messenger who instructed them to take their child to a neighboring district,
where he would be safe from the slaughter. This miracle child would come to
grow up and perform many great deeds, and the timeless and moving story of
his life was recounted throughout history and still rings true today. I
refer of course to...

...Krishna.

Is that right? That can't be right, can it?

No! Beloved, the god to whom I refer stands alone, unique, head and
shoulders above the myths and fables of the false religions. No other savior
ever claimed to duplicate his deeds. No other prophet was anything at all
like him. He, and he alone, was crucified. He, and he alone, died on a cross
for the sins of mankind. What other so-called savior can make such a claim?
Only one person fits that description. You know this person well - his
birthday falls near the end of the year, on December 25. As should be more
than obvious by now, this person can only be the one who was called...

...Mithras.

That doesn't seem right either...

Of course. That, too, is incorrect. My most sincere apologies. Beloved, do
not let these slight slips of the tongue distract you from the power of the
message I bring. Our religion is the one true religion. The claims of all
others crumble under scrutiny, but ours and ours alone is validated, again
and again, by historical fact. It was the first of its kind to make such
claims as these; all others are merely impostors which sought to capitalize
on its fame. Our savior cannot be mistaken for any other. He performed
countless miracles on earth, miracles well attested to by bystanders. He
healed the sick and the crippled, restored sight to the blind, cast out
demons, yea, even raised the dead! His birth was of a virgin, foretold by an
angel. While still a child, he exhibited extraordinary knowledge of
religious scripture. He reformed the corrupt and worldly religions of his
day. He was crucified, rose from the tomb and appeared to his disciples to
prove to them his power over death, after which he ascended to Heaven to sit
at the right hand of the Father. He was known as "the Son of God!" No other
religion can make such claims! No other savior proved his divinity again and
again to so many! No one can doubt his power or the truth of the message he
brought. His memory will live forever. How can he be mistaken for anyone
else? Of course, by now there is not a shred of doubt in any of your minds.
You know as well as I do to whom I am referring. We must worship him, pay
tribute to his memory, and focus on spreading his message of love and
compassion; that, after everything, is the true meaning of Easter. Come,
beloved, let us pray and honor the divine prophet whom I have just
described. Let us glory in the everlasting love of...

...Apollonius of Tyana.

Wait - wait - wait - eh, you know what? Screw this.