Bob Young asked the14thdisciple: "when you feel up to it, please give
us the ten commanderments in yoar langage. thanks Bob"
well Bab i am policed that hugh arsed me that queston becasue thear
hath been a LOT of misscarridges of Conception suroundding thoase verey
tablets what Moases purchased from the God on the top of Mount
Sinusitis!
thats WRIGHT! i Sad PURCHAISED! now This is onley logical when you
think about it becasue when was the last time you ever heard of a
JEWISH bloak giving ANYTHINK away? why, thears moar chance of a virgin
giving birth to - o, hang on ...
the Fats of the matter are that Moases haggled fearcley with the
Allmighty Deity on the basis that although the inscriptions were new,
the tablets themselfs were second-hand and had preaviously been used as
a decorative fence around some Juniper bushes. moases Finally paid for
5 and The God threw the rest in, realising the chances of finding an
nother buyer was quite slim.
but - strangeley enouff for tablets made of stoane - they doanet exist
anymoar, and maney peapel hafe gone through time making up thear own
inter-parrotisations well NOT actuelly gone through TIME becasue they
wouldst hafe to hafe a Time Marine to get into i Mean they hafe done it
through the ages.
any Whey, i Found it mutch easier just to get in a time machine and
look for myself so i Arsed the famus Professer Hawkin 'Haha' Stevens to
invent juan and i got back to Biblical times just as The God had
finished wrighting out the first five.
"1). Thou shalt have no other gods before me. "
"whys That then, The god ...?"
"Uh? ... Oh, it's you ... Fucking little troll, what the ***** do you
want ...?"
"whu-Yoar a bit touchy today, The God ..."
"Oh - was that good? I didn't mean it, I was practicing being an ARC
regular ..."
"hu - Hawww, that's a good one, The God, are you getting a Google
account?"
"Nah, I'm thinking of setting up a 'God-to-Christian' SMS service
instead. Thought it might be a nice idea to start passing on my
instructions via their mobile phones, y'know, sort of personal touch?
Make 'em feel that somebody somewhere is thinkinig about them?"
"i Doanet think i couldst hafe invented sutch a faberulos scheme, The
God"
"That's because I'm an all-knowing omnipotent Diety, 14, and you're a
disgraceful little retard."
"Thank you for thus blessing Me, the LOARD"
"You're welcome, and stop shouting my name like that. It's bad enough
with the entire population of Jalalabad keeping me awake all night,
telling me how 'great' I am ... Now, why are you here and why have
you transgressed one of my infathomable laws of creation in a Time
Machine"
"whu-Well, it's just Like what you was saying about passing Yoar
Instructians on just now, the LOA - sory - the loard - the Ten
Commandments ..."
"wh - oh, you mean these? 10 Commandments, eh? Got quite a ring to
it, 14, did you think that one up ...?"
"nah, Some bloak called James the Fish i think ..."
"... Hmm, academic really, I was only planning on five ..."
"well This juans NOT bad for a start off, the God, 'hafe no other gods
befoar me' ... is That 'haffing' in the Biblical sense of the word
....?"
"- I've had enough of it you see, 14, people having other gods before
me. It's just not on, I mean, I created everything and everyone,
stands to reason I should be had first, doesn't it? Not too much to
ask, is it ...?"
"er - ARE thear any other gods, The god?"
"... Well ... Well, now you come to mention it ... No, there aren't,
actually. There's only me ... God I'm so LONELY 14 ....!!"
"now, Thear thear, Yaweh, doanet start blubbing-up. Doanet want a
repeat of the Noah incident now, do we? all Thoase peapel and animals,
poohing over the side of the boat ..."
"... Ruined the surfing that year, didn't it ...?"
"... so If thear ARE no other gods than hugh it's a bit daft to start
telling peapel NOT to hafe any other gods befoar Hugh, issent it ...?"
"Now you put it that way 14 - there! Changed it ..."
"1) it Is OK two hafe as maney gods as Hugh like becasue acterually
none of them exist becasue i Am the onley juan. hmm. can't Say fairer
than that, the LOA - sory ..."
"2) DO NOT MAKE IDOLS. What'd'ya think ...? Fairly
straightforward?"
"yeah. idols Is crap. seed The X-Factor yet, the god?"
"Fucking Sharon Osborne, man ... Jeez!"
"3) DO NOT TAKE THE LORD'S NAME IN VAIN. hmmm, Well now i Am NOT so
sure about that juan, your Mightyness, i Mean, NOBODY could get took to
Coart if you send that juan ...?"
"Why?"
"well When hugh get inna coart you hafe to Swear by Allmightey God -
that's YOU. well, you CAN'T order them NOT to and then let them go
ahead and do it like that!"
"I'll smite them, 14! I'll smite them down with my Fiery Wrath, so I
will!!"
"GOD, the GOD, CALM DOWN, watch out foar that bush - o, Is that some
moare tablets stacked up round it ..."
"Well alright then, we'll change number 3. Hey, I've got a great idea,
why don;t I do this one in the form of a quadrangle, y'know, a little
riddle to be worked out by great philisophers, years from now?!"
"hee, That's brilliant, J-ho ..."
"Go on then, here's one ... Flaps will open and hips shall expand, and
a small baby called Jesus will pop out of the belly of a virgin ..."
".... .... .............. bit Obvious, the god ...."
"Look, you're not helping ..."
"whu-Well i just doanet want to see you make a fool of yoarself, J-ho,
i Mean, telling everbody you made a Woman by digging out a couple of
ribs, and now you want to make everbody Think a virgin mite hafe an
Offspring caused by the invisibel Peanis of the God ..."
"... Hmm ... Hmm, suppose you're right ..."
"how Is it with the old - y'know ..."
"Still sore ..."
"regret Haffing it done ...?"
"Jews are malicious fuckers, 14 ... I mean - yer KNOB for Christs sake
...."
"4) KEEP THE SABBATH DAY. can;t Argue with that juan, o Him on High"
"Sabbath, eh? 'Hey, hey mamma said the way you move, gonna make you
sweat, gonna make you groove ..."
"... that's Led Zep, yoar honour ..."
"What? Joking?? I thought - BOLLOQUES!!!"
"it's No problem, the god, just Change 'KEEP' to 'SLEEP' and you'll
pretty much gain the approval of mankined ..."
"allright then. sleep it is ... "
" ... so ..? whears Number 5 ..?"
"Well I haven't got there yet, you interrupted me ..."
"Make it about fornication"
"You dirty little *****!"
"nah, go on! tell Everbody they canst NOT hafe a good fornicate with -
say - the woman next Door. or Borrow her for other things ..."
"14, sex amongst my children is pure and wonderful, and I want to
encourage it!"
"nah, Go on the God, tell 'em it's dirty and sworded and they aught to
be using a Johnny!"
"But the fruits of fornication bring forth more of my followers, 14, I
don't want to spoil that!"
"nah, the God, tell 'em they'll rot in hell for the vile sin of Lady
Lubricating!"
"oH FOR PITY'S SAKE - THERE! Are you satisfied ...?"
"oh YES the God! can We hafe a masturbate now ...?!!"
"No, you dirty little fucker, that's number 6 ... wh - Who's that?"
"whu-huh ...?"
"Over there, can you see him? Grubby old sod with a robe on and a
stick. Oh *****, it's that Jewish bloke, Moses ... Moses Invests, we
call him ..."
"we?"
"... i Talk to myself a lot these days, 14 ... it's really lonely being
a Me"
"Lord Jehova! Praises be from your humble servant!! Wh - those
stones! My Lord ...!"
"Not for sale, Moses - hey, I thought you were going swimming ...?"
"But Lord, the Laws of God unto Man ..! Those stones!!"
"No, Moses, they're not finished and - besides, I was going to give
them to the Catholicks ..."
"Lord, I beseech thee, let thy servant take the Laws of God unto his
flock!"
"Look Moses, the best I can do is let you have the ones around that
juniper bush ..."
"On the left ...?"
"No, next to the one that's on fire"
"The LORD hath spoken!"
"STOP FUCKING SHOUTING!"
"Er - well, OK, Jaweh - seventy Drachma if you'll throw in the charcoal
pencil as well ..."
"... Go on then, you old schiester ... And watch out for the ledge on
your way do - oh ..."
" ... you DO know that the first thing he'll do is make Up some Laws of
God for himself and write them on the stones on the way down, doanet
you, the God ...?"
"... Nah, don't worry, it'll all get washed off again as soon as he
gets into that river ..."
"bu-But i thaught youo was gonna hold back the water so's him and his
mates could get through?"
"... Don't be such a prat, 14; that'd take a fucking miracle ..."
Loaf Form yoar old freand 14
.
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