The time has come to announce that I am now a complete woman!

<music>
"20th Century Fox Fanfare"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z54ynmUPZ5c
</music>

The time has come to announce the winners of the November 2007 Usenet
Kook Awards. Envelopes, please!

*drumroll*


BOBO AWARD

The winner is...FRED PHELPS/WBC/GODHATESFAGS.COM!

27 votes YES
01 votes NO

Congratulations Reverend Phelps! Since you and your congregation haven't
won a Darwin Award yet, this recognition of your quest knowing "Absolutely
No Bounds" will have to do.

KOOK OF THE MONTH

The winner is...JOHN WENTZKY!

15 votes John Wentzky
08 votes Chris Tsao of alt.revenge
02 votes Neither of the above

Congratulations, John! Kookologists have been keeping an eye on you for
years and wondering when you'd finally do something that would not only get
you on the ballot, but would finally propel you into the winners circle.
To their (tint) delight, you finally did.

CLUELESS NEWBIE OF THE MONTH

The winner is...THE BIG-8 MANAGEMENT BOARD!

16 votes The Big-8 Management Board
05 votes Lesmond of alt.horror
00 votes Neither of the above

Congratulations, B8MBies! AUK is used to awarding this honor to people
never had a clue, never got a clue, and probably never will have a clue,
not such august personages as yourselves who definitely had a clue, but
have somehow misplaced it. We (tinw) hope, for the sake of USENET, that
you all find your clue, or at least, buy a new one on the installment plan.

COWARD OF THE MONTH

The winner is...ANDREW B. CHUNG!

14 votes Andrew B. Chung
10 votes Zanthius AKA InZany
00 votes Neither of the above

Congratulations, Double-Doctor! After nearly a year when you were
ineligible to win this award, you handily beat someone who regularly runs
away from hard questions. So are you up for another three-peat of this
award?

LOONEY MAROON AWARD

The winner is...RUSH LIMBAUGH!

15 votes Rush Limbaugh
12 votes Andrew B. Chung
01 votes Neither of the above

Congratulations, Maha Rushdie! One of the qualifications for this award is
to "cite questionable sources of information as 'fact.'" You certainly
did! Now, will you 'refuse to allow yourself to be enlightened?'

JOSEPH BARTLO MEMORIAL PATHETIC ANAL PINEAPPLE AWARD

The winner is...RICHARD "THE ST00PID" BULLIS!

21 votes Richard "The St00pid" Bullis
07 votes Ed Conrad
00 votes Neither of the above

Congratulations, St00pid! With the winning of this award, you now have the
complete collection of USENET Kook Awards that recognize stupidity. Since
you are so vastly overqualified to win it again, you are hereby
disqualified from winning any more. That way, some rookie kook can have a
chance.

BOB ALLISAT MEMORIAL HOOK, LINE & SINKER

The winner is...RUSH LIMBAUGH!

14 votes Rush Limbaugh
08 votes The regulars of alt.horror
04 votes Neither of the above

Congratulations again, Maha Rushdie! You may have "talent on loan from
G-d" for being "an entertainer not a politician," but you certainly don't
have similar talent for knowing good science from good bait.

PALMJOB PADDLE

The winner is...THE BIG-8 MANAGEMENT BOARD!

16 votes The Big-8 Management Board
10 votes David Tholen
01 votes Neither of the above

Congratulations again, B8MBies! This is the second time you've managed to
flagellate yourselves in public over your mistakes in less than a year.
That means there's only one more time between now and next February for you
to win this award. Can you spank yourselves a third time?

TONY SIDAWAY DRAMA QUEEN AWARD

The winner is...ANDREW B. CHUNG!

14 votes Andrew B. Chung
13 votes Jim Riley
00 votes Neither of the above

Congratulations again, Double-Doctor! You have won this award for the
third time in the space of six months. Do you know what that means? You
can't win it again for another six months. That's the second award for
which you've managed to make yourself ineligible so that some other worthy
USENET personality can win an award.

BUSTED URINAL AWARD

The winner is...ED CONRAD!

16 votes Ed Conrad
06 votes Zanthius AKA InZany
00 votes Neither of the above

Congratulations, Coalbrain! All of your spamming of your "Man as Old as
Coal" boilerplate has finally been recognized for what it really is--"the
Lamest of the Lame on Usenet."

UNABOMBER SURPRISE

The winner is...KEN PANGBORN!

25 votes YES
00 votes NO

Congratulations, KennyKakes! In the unanimous opinion of the voters of
AUK, you have been found worthy of this honor for "those who have the gift
for saying the least with the most...and are PROUD OF IT."
KENNY MCCORMICK MEMORIAL MEDAL

The winner is...BILL HUGHES!

22 votes YES
01 votes NO

Congratulations, Bizarro! It usually takes years of effort to win this
award, and you managed to do in within a year and a half of being noticed
by AUK. Now, tell us (tinu) again how getting Databasix a UDP is going.

EDMOND WOLLMANN MEMORIAL RUBBER TURKEY, THANKSGIVING WEEKEND 2007

The winner is...JOHN WENTZKY!

11 votes John Wentzky
10 votes Ken Pangborn
01 votes Neither of the above

Congratulations again, John Wentzky! Your screedfest managed to eke out a
win for you, a first-time award winner, over someone AUK has known about
for eight years. That's some accomplishment!

PIERRE SALINGER MEMORIAL HOOK, LINE & SINKER

The winner is...JADE!

13 votes Jade--Pangborn as a Baboon photo goof
06 votes Low Carbon Kid and Desmogblog--
Journal of Geoclimatic Studies Hoax
04 votes Neither of the above

Congratulations, Jade! November must be your lucky month, as you won your
first Salinger exactly a year ago. Your win goes to show that it's not the
elaborateness of the troll, but the ratio of how big the response is to the
complexity of the troll.

All hail Jade, for she hace much grateness!!!1!!

OFFICE OF DARTH BAWL

The winner is...EDMOND HEINZ WOLLMANN!

15 votes Edmond Heinz Wollmann
08 votes Jim Riley

Congratulations, Pantyhead! You're like the Energizer Bunny. AUK
nominates whiner after whiner and you just winning and winning. Keep this
up for six more months, and either you or the office gets retired. Can you
make it?

This concludes the announcement of the winners of the November 2007
Usenet Kook Awards. Thirty-two people submitted thirty-two ballots.
One of these was a submission from someone who didn't get the memo that he
was disenfranchised. Another was from someone with no USENET history.
Fluffy appreciated the new filler in his litter box. Consequently, thirty
ballots were deemed valid and counted.

See you all very shortly, when nominations open up for the 2006 Christmas
presents for Kooks. Think hard about who you want for the Fr00tcake and
Bag of Coal!

And now, a special recessional in honor of this month's big w(h)inner--
John Wentzky, in honor of the event that finally won him a USENET Kook
Award.

<music>
"Green Day-I Fought The Law"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XmtgEFrIWfg
</music>

Congratulations again, Double-Doctor! You have won this award for the
third time in the space of six months. Do you know what that means?
You can't win it again for another six months. That's the second award
for which you've managed to make yourself ineligible so that some other
worthy USENET personality can win an award.