| Topic: |
Religions > Atheism |
| User: |
"Gregory Gadow" |
| Date: |
12 Jan 2004 08:14:14 AM |
| Object: |
Your opinion, please |
Don't accuse me of spam; my services are pretty localized and very few
of you are in my area :-)
I've redesigned my celebrant website and fixed a number of small errors.
I would value your critique about style and content. Thanks ahead for
your time.
http://www.humanist-celebrant.com
--
Gregory Gadow
techbear@serv.net
http://www.serv.net/~techbear
"If you make yourself a sheep, the wolves will eat you."
-- Benjamin Franklin
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| User: "Shuggy" |
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| Title: Re: Your opinion, please |
12 Jan 2004 08:21:50 PM |
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Add a little consrvative color and some photos. I think you should
have a nice portrait-style photo of yourself on the front page. After
all, people are getting services from you-- they should be able to
see you first. And photos are interesting to people.
The copy is good but look for typographical errors.
Shuggy
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| User: "stillsunny" |
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| Title: Re: Your opinion, please |
12 Jan 2004 08:40:05 PM |
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Gregory Gadow <techbear@serv.net> wrote in message news:<4002ABB6.309DEA9E@serv.net>...
Don't accuse me of spam; my services are pretty localized and very few
of you are in my area :-)
I've redesigned my celebrant website and fixed a number of small errors.
I would value your critique about style and content. Thanks ahead for
your time.
http://www.humanist-celebrant.com
First page is great -- artfully worded, gentle, and persuasive.
The only gripe I have about page two (Humanist Celebrants) is that you
mention counseling for the sick, dying, or traumatized, but don't
actually offer that later. If you do, indeed, offer it, you might
mention it further; and if you don't offer it, I'm wondering if some
person might read this and get a mistaken impression.
There's a typo on the "Welcomings" page (weclomings). Also, "because
there is not charge for this" seems a little awkward, and I'm
wondering if you meant "no charge for this". Also (sorry) I'm not
crazy about "if you hire me". What about, "if you engage my
services," or "should we reach a mutually agreeable arrangement" or
something a little less -- well, capitalist :-)
There's a typo on the "Weddings" page (famioly)
On the "Funerals" page, did you mean that memorial services are done
"latter" or "later"?
And on this page, there seems to be a lot of "I". Presumably, when
someone's needing a funeral, they're rather self absorbed. Can I
suggest rewording it so that it's more "we" or even passive voice?
Like, instead of, "The heart of the funerals I do is the eulegy",
which could have the "I do" taken slap out of it. The next sentence
could just be, "We meet," instead of, "I meet with", and most of the
places you've got "my" could have "the" substituted easily. Oh, and
one typo: "incure" instead of "incur".
(Are you wishing you hadn't asked?)
The next page is fine.
And my! Don't you look friendly and honest!
One final nit-pick. If I'm just skimming the pages, the inconsistency
of the sizes of the white bits sort of stands out, especially as
they're not all centered the same. If they could be centered more, it
would help -- but this isn't really a big deal, and wouldn't prevent
me hiring you -- I mean, engaging your services, if I lived in the
Greater Seattle area :-)
All in all, it's quite good. It's not awkward or stilted. You manage
to succinctly capture the importance of ritual to humans, and present
your alternative. It's not flashy or gaudy, which is good. I wish
you good fortune with it, and apologize if I seem to have slaughtered
it (I may have been a grammar school teacher or proofreader in my
previous life).
May you have many responses and be hugely successful helping people
celebrate the passages of their lives :-)
Sunny
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| User: "Arjen Klaver" |
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| Title: Re: Your opinion, please |
12 Jan 2004 05:42:34 PM |
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at news:4002ABB6.309DEA9E@serv.net Gregory Gadow <techbear@serv.net> wrote
in news:4002ABB6.309DEA9E@serv.net:
Don't accuse me of spam; my services are pretty localized and very few
of you are in my area :-)
I've redesigned my celebrant website and fixed a number of small errors.
I would value your critique about style and content. Thanks ahead for
your time.
Style: To me everything seems OK: nice and simple, just the way I like my
webpages. The page seems quite trustworthy, which is important.
Maybe put the white with the text in the middle of my screen instead of
the left part. Perhaps some pictures, but I guess you already tried that
but didn't like it.
Content: Just missing some trust-factors. How can I find/check information
on this statement:
'Gregory Gadow has been doing ministry work for more than 15 years. A
former deacon of the Metropolitan Community Church, he is an ordained
minister of the Universal Life Church and a member of the American
Humanist Association.'
Maybe a link to your church so people can read about what this 'church'
is?
and this statement:
'Perform wedding ceremonies (yes, they're legal)'
Is this true? In the Netherlands the only legal marriage is the marriage
in city hall. So I'm just wondering about this statement.
Greetings,
Arjen Klaver
http://www.humanist-celebrant.com
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