1. Developing a Healthy Self-Concept, Part I
"Love your neighbor as yourself" (Matthew 22:39, NIV).
Jim was standing in line at the supermarket checkout
when, to his amazement, in charged an angry,
aggressive man, with his browbeaten wife in tow,
pushing in line ahead of Jim and several other
customers. With a forty pound (twenty-kilogram) sack
of flour slung over his shoulder and handing his wife
some money, he growled: "Here, you pay for the stuff."
He then proceeded to stomp off with his bag of flour.
Unknown to him, there was a hole in the back of the
flour bag. As he stormed out of the supermarket, he
left behind a trail of white flour all the way to his
car. As Jim walked out of the store, the angry man had
just discovered his now half-empty sack of flour.
Poetic justice one might suggest!
What makes people like this man so obnoxious? Among
other possibilities, he undoubtedly has a very poor
self-image. The bottom line is that these people don't
feel loved. That's why his wife was such a wimp, too.
People who strongly dislike themselves tend to either
become weak, passive and over-compliant and withdraw,
or project their self-hatred onto the people around
them by being aggressive and bullying. Because they
don't like themselves, they believe others don't like
them either and set themselves up to be rejected.
At the root of many of life's conflicts, personal
problems, and failures is a low sense of self-worth.
If, for example, I believe and feel I am a failure, I
will set myself up to fail. And if I believe I am a
bad person, I will act accordingly.
On the other hand, if I believe myself to be a person
of worth and am lovable, I will act in a worthwhile
and lovable manner. If I believe I am a successful
person, not in an egotistic way but in a healthy
sense, I will succeed in life. This doesn't mean that
I won't make mistakes and experience failures from
time to time. But when I do, I may be disappointed,
but I won't be devastated and will ask myself, "What
can I learn from this experience?" I will then get up
and try, try, try again--until I do succeed!
The self-concept is basically comprised of one's (1)
self-image--how I picture or see myself, (2)
self-esteem--how I feel about myself; and (3)
self-worth--how much I value myself, all of which add
up to one's level of self-acceptance, which is how
much or how well I accept myself;
A person with a healthy self-concept is not conceited,
arrogant or proud. That kind of person is covering up a
poor self-concept. Healthy people know what their
strengths and abilities are and develop and use these
to achieve worthwhile goals. They also acknowledge
their weaknesses without putting themselves down
because of them, and work to overcome and master
these.
By the way, while the Bible says to love our neighbor
as our self, a humorist remarked, "Heaven help your
neighbor if you hate yourself." There's a lot of truth
in that statement.
To be continued...
Suggested prayer: "Dear God, your Word says to love my
neighbor as myself. Please help me to love and accept
myself in a healthy way so I can also truly love and
accept my neighbor in a healthy way. Thank you for
hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus'
name, amen."
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1. Developing a Healthy Self-Concept, Part II
"Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought"
(Romans 12:3, NIV).
A healthy self-concept is central to one's success in
life. It is one of the greatest gifts we can give our
children. Their self is a gift from God, but their
self-concept is pretty much in our hands. However, if
we parents fail to love and accept ourselves in a
healthy sense, we cannot help our children develop a
healthy self-concept because we cannot give what we
don't have. Furthermore, without a healthy
self-concept we become our own worst enemy.
While God's Word says we are not to think too highly
of ourselves, it doesn't mean that we are to think too
lowly of ourselves and have a poor self-image or a bad
self-concept. We need to see and accept ourselves as
God sees and accepts us which will give us a very
healthy-self concept. So how then can we overcome a
poor self-concept and/or make a good self-concept
better?
First, we need to be real. Many of us are afraid that
if we are known as we really are, we won't be liked,
so we pretend to be something we are not. People may
like the mask or the false front or happy face we
wear, but this will never make us feel loved because
what they like is not the real us. We can only be
loved to the degree that we allow ourselves to be
known for who we are.
Second, to be real I need to be connected to my dark
side which is the side of me that is hidden, often
from my self as well as from others. It is that part
of me that I am ashamed of or feel embarrassed or
guilty about--often a major cause of why I don't like
or reject myself.
The dark side may or may not be anything that I have
done that is bad. It can be parts of me that were
rejected when I was small, or it maybe where somebody
has done something hurtful to me somewhere in my past.
For instance, if somebody consistently put me down when
I was a child and made fun of my ears or anything
else--and I buried those hurtful feelings--I need to
get in touch with that pain and express it to a loving
friend or counselor to have that side of me accepted.
Or, if I was rejected or abused either physically,
emotionally, or sexually in any way, that experience
also needs to be brought into the light and the pain
and anger resolved before I can fully love and accept
myself. In fact, all painful memories and unresolved
feelings of guilt, shame, anger, fear, hurt or grief
need to be brought into the open and resolved so I can
be freed from my past and forgive those who have hurt
me. Unresolved, these supercharged, repressed negative
emotions are barriers that stop me fully loving myself
and others.
To be concluded ...
Suggested prayer: "Dear God, please help me to see
myself as you see me and love and accept myself as you
love and accept me so I will become a healthier, more
contented and loving person. Thank you for hearing and
answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen."
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1. Developing a Healthy Self-Concept, Part III
"So get rid of your feelings of hatred [malice]. Don't
just pretend to be good! Be done with dishonesty and
jealousy and talking about others behind their backs
... put away all evil, deception, envy and fraud. Long
to grow into the fullness of your salvation" (1 Peter
2:1-2, TLB).
In answering the question on how to build a healthy
self-concept we have said that first we need to be
real; that is to be truly honest with our self.
Second, to be real we need to be connected to our dark
side so that we are aware of and in touch with those
areas in our life that we would be embarrassed for
others to see. This brings us to our next point.
Third, we learn self-love. As the Bible teaches, we
love God because he first loved us.1 While this can be
very difficult and threatening to grasp, we love other
people and ourselves in exactly the same way. That is,
we need someone to first love us because love is
a skill to be learned.
If I didn't feel loved or sufficiently loved as a
child, it's not likely that I will feel loved as an
adult. To overcome, I need somebody to love me first.
As I get connected to my dark side and share all these
wounded parts of me with at least one or two safe
people, as they love and accept me as I am--warts and
all, little by little I learn to love and accept
myself. (Safe people are those who know me and still
love me and will not reject, judge, or try to fix or
change me when I share my real self with them.)
Fourth, it is imperative that I resolve any and all
unresolved feelings of hatred (stored up anger) and
all other repressed negative emotions. As the Bible
says, "Get rid of your feelings of hatred and don't
just pretend to be good." We don't get rid of these
damaging emotions by repressing and denying them. They
need to be brought out into the open and resolved in
healthy ways. Repressed they are destructive to
healthy living, healthy relationships, and to having a
healthy self-concept.
Fifth, I need to live in harmony with healthy moral
and ethical values based on God's standards, and
maintain clearly defined boundaries--that is, ensure
that I live by my values and don't allow
boundary-busters to violate my personal boundaries.
When I live this way, I feel good about myself. And
when I don't, I don't feel good about myself!
Sixth, it is also imperative that I forgive all whom I
feel have hurt or offended me. Failing to forgive keeps
me bound to my past and trapped by my unresolved
negative feelings.
Seventh, the ultimate in self-love and acceptance is
to feel connected to God and know/experience his love
and affirmation at the very core of my being. This
begins by confessing our dark side and our sins to
God, asking for his forgiveness and accepting his Son,
Jesus Christ, into my heart and life as personal Lord
and Savior. And then, as we take the above steps to
improve our self-concept and reach out and love other
people, more and more we experience God's love. As
God's Word says, "If we love each other, God lives in
us, and his love is perfected in us."2
Suggested prayer: "Dear God, please help me to resolve
all my negative emotions and attitudes, forgive all who
have hurt me, live in harmony with your will, grow up
into the fullness of my salvation so that I will
develop a God-honoring healthy self-concept and be a
clear channel for your love to flow through to every
life I touch. Thank you for hearing and answering my
prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen."
1. I John 4:19; 2. I John 4:12.
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Copyright (c) 2004 by Acts International.
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