| Topic: |
Religions > Bible |
| User: |
"D Flint" |
| Date: |
10 Jan 2006 08:01:13 PM |
| Object: |
Did Jesus have zits? |
Dear Pastor,
I am a freshman student at Chelmsford Baptist
Christian Academy. I am teased all the time by
the other kids because I have very bad pimples.
They call me "pizza face" and say that I've got
acne because I'm a sinner. My question is, did
Jesus ever get zits, and if so, is that why
people were so mean to Him?
Sincerely,
- Jimmy
Dear Jimmy,
Thank you for your thoughtful inquiry, which
provides a wonderful opportunity to address
important, yet often-overlooked historical
trivia about our Saviour. Bible accounts of the
life of our Personal Saviour are very much like
those of our Saviour, Keith P. Exford - there
are about twenty years that are totally
unaccounted for.
For our Chief Executive, it is the awkward
pre-adult adolescence of his 20s and 30s that
have been thoughtfully expunged.
With the Lord Jesus, the missing biography is
from the time he was Catholic priest bait
until several years after he sprouted short,
pointy hairs around the Holy genitalia of
glorification.
Fortunately, one of the biggest selling points
about being a conservative Christian is that a
silence in the Bible is an invitation by God to
start making things up. So, I am sure that if the
Bible were more forthcoming about Jesus' "lost
years," it would tell us that before Jesus
learned to use white magic to make rotting dead
bodies talk and dance for the amusement of
crowds, that He, Himself was positively smothered
in festering whiteheads throughout his
puber-teens. And yes, it partly was for this
reason that our Lord was an outcast in His day -
not unlike a lazy-eyed A/V club four-eyed leper
assigned a home room seat smack dab in the middle
of a clique of top-tier hard-bodied populars.
Yet Jimmy, you should know that later in life,
Jesus turned His dermatological affliction into a
strength - using His cystic pustules as a mighty
shield with which He repelled the cheap,
open-legged Jewesses who stalked Him tirelessly, feverishly intent on running their greedy fingers
through His long, Judean-mullet, which was
luxuriously conditioned by scores of folks' body
oil, as the Lord used his thick, absorbent mane
to towel-off the feet of strangers he washed.
And that is why today, Jesus and His daddy
reserve the gift of acne specifically for the
chosen - as a means to help safeguard purity.
So to you I say, "Rejoice Jimmy, and revel in thy
pimply good fortune."
Revelation tells us that Jesus' hair is like wool
and that his skin is bronze. Before you become
too alarmed by this description, remember that
the Lord came to Earth to suffer for our sins –
and what better way can one suffer than to be
mistaken for one of those Negro-type people?
The point I am getting at is that Jesus was
created in the image of someone in the Middle
East. In other words, he must have been pretty
(and pardon the French here) "damned ugly." So,
what difference is a colony of pimples going to
make?
Now, as regards the term "pizza face" - I must
inform you that the mere utterance of a reference
to Catholic cuisine is an insult to the entire
student body of Broomleigh Academy. It is a
well-known fact that Mary Worshipping priests
take time away from their catamites long enough
to consecrate pizza pies, allowing deranged
Catholics to engorge themselves on the flesh of
our Saviour by the slice.
For the record, the hallowed halls of our
fully self-accredited institution have never
been sullied by the likes of these slick
Italians. So the next time you're accosted with
that slur, sternly inform your tormenters that
Pastor himself insists that henceforth, they
address you with exclusively British food
metaphors, such as "peach cobbler face" or
"creamed corn face."
I trust this addresses your question, and your
problem is now solved.
Yours in Christ,
- Pastor Rowland Croucher
--
Rev Dr Rowland Croucher
Murdering 5h1ts for Jesus
http://www.chelmsfordbaptist.com/
.
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| User: "Pastor Frank" |
|
| Title: Re: Did Jesus have zits? |
19 Jan 2006 08:35:25 AM |
|
|
"D Flint" <david@qssp.com> wrote in message
news:931874258651288.Post@ithinknot.net...
Dear Pastor,
I am a freshman student at Chelmsford Baptist
Christian Academy. I am teased all the time by
the other kids because I have very bad pimples.
They call me "pizza face" and say that I've got
acne because I'm a sinner. My question is, did
Jesus ever get zits, and if so, is that why
people were so mean to Him?
Sincerely,
- Jimmy
Dear Jimmy,
Thank you for your thoughtful inquiry, which
provides a wonderful opportunity to address
important, yet often-overlooked historical
trivia about our Saviour. Bible accounts of the
life of our Personal Saviour are very much like
those of our Saviour, Keith P. Exford - there
are about twenty years that are totally
unaccounted for.
"Our Saviour Keith Exford"? You probably meant Ersatz Saviour, didn't
you?
.
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| User: "Aaron" |
|
| Title: Re: Did Jesus have zits? |
20 Jan 2006 02:21:10 AM |
|
|
On Thu, 19 Jan 2006 22:35:25 +0800, "Pastor Frank"
<PF@christfirst.com> wrote:
"D Flint" <david@qssp.com> wrote in message
news:931874258651288.Post@ithinknot.net...
Dear Pastor,
I am a freshman student at Chelmsford Baptist
Christian Academy. I am teased all the time by
the other kids because I have very bad pimples.
They call me "pizza face" and say that I've got
acne because I'm a sinner. My question is, did
Jesus ever get zits, and if so, is that why
people were so mean to Him?
Sincerely,
- Jimmy
Dear Jimmy,
Thank you for your thoughtful inquiry, which
provides a wonderful opportunity to address
important, yet often-overlooked historical
trivia about our Saviour. Bible accounts of the
life of our Personal Saviour are very much like
those of our Saviour, Keith P. Exford - there
are about twenty years that are totally
unaccounted for.
"Our Saviour Keith Exford"? You probably meant Ersatz Saviour, didn't
you?
Frank, it is just a stupid post that resurfaces every so often to make
people like you get angry, and write angry statements that they can
poke fun at. Don't bother with them.
.
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| User: "Pastor Frank" |
|
| Title: Re: Did Jesus have zits? |
22 Jan 2006 12:05:04 PM |
|
|
"Aaron" <anon@home.net> wrote in message
news:0671t1t2c3lfbnl3nde02dl1cqclkdm86n@4ax.com...
On Thu, 19 Jan 2006 22:35:25 +0800, "Pastor Frank"
<PF@christfirst.com> wrote:
"D Flint" <david@qssp.com> wrote in message
news:931874258651288.Post@ithinknot.net...
Dear Pastor,
I am a freshman student at Chelmsford Baptist
Christian Academy. I am teased all the time by
the other kids because I have very bad pimples.
They call me "pizza face" and say that I've got
acne because I'm a sinner. My question is, did
Jesus ever get zits, and if so, is that why
people were so mean to Him?
Sincerely,
- Jimmy
Dear Jimmy,
Thank you for your thoughtful inquiry, which
provides a wonderful opportunity to address
important, yet often-overlooked historical
trivia about our Saviour. Bible accounts of the
life of our Personal Saviour are very much like
those of our Saviour, Keith P. Exford - there
are about twenty years that are totally
unaccounted for.
"Our Saviour Keith Exford"? You probably meant Ersatz Saviour, didn't
you?
Frank, it is just a stupid post that resurfaces every so often to make
people like you get angry, and write angry statements that they can
poke fun at. Don't bother with them.
"Get angry"? I'm having fun. Some of their parody is absolutely
brilliant, and I am sure they appreciate my German considering they claim to
be a "GmbH from Zurich". Meister Eckhart used to say: God laughs and plays.
Your God Aaron, only thunders from atop Mount Sinai.
.
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| User: "Aaron" |
|
| Title: Re: Did Jesus have zits? |
23 Jan 2006 10:47:49 PM |
|
|
On Mon, 23 Jan 2006 02:05:04 +0800, "Pastor Frank"
<PF@christfirst.com> wrote:
"Aaron" <anon@home.net> wrote in message
news:0671t1t2c3lfbnl3nde02dl1cqclkdm86n@4ax.com...
On Thu, 19 Jan 2006 22:35:25 +0800, "Pastor Frank"
<PF@christfirst.com> wrote:
"D Flint" <david@qssp.com> wrote in message
news:931874258651288.Post@ithinknot.net...
Dear Pastor,
I am a freshman student at Chelmsford Baptist
Christian Academy. I am teased all the time by
the other kids because I have very bad pimples.
They call me "pizza face" and say that I've got
acne because I'm a sinner. My question is, did
Jesus ever get zits, and if so, is that why
people were so mean to Him?
Sincerely,
- Jimmy
Dear Jimmy,
Thank you for your thoughtful inquiry, which
provides a wonderful opportunity to address
important, yet often-overlooked historical
trivia about our Saviour. Bible accounts of the
life of our Personal Saviour are very much like
those of our Saviour, Keith P. Exford - there
are about twenty years that are totally
unaccounted for.
"Our Saviour Keith Exford"? You probably meant Ersatz Saviour, didn't
you?
Frank, it is just a stupid post that resurfaces every so often to make
people like you get angry, and write angry statements that they can
poke fun at. Don't bother with them.
"Get angry"? I'm having fun. Some of their parody is absolutely
brilliant, and I am sure they appreciate my German considering they claim to
be a "GmbH from Zurich". Meister Eckhart used to say: God laughs and plays.
Your God Aaron, only thunders from atop Mount Sinai.
So, you don't like Jesus?
.
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