This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I
found
a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:

John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."

Mary: Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ***** with us."

Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I
want to kiss His *****?"

John: "If you kiss Hank's *****, He'll give you a million dollars; and if
you
don't, He'll kick the ***** out of you."

Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"

John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank
owns this town. He can do whatever He wants, and what He wants is to give
you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss His *****."

Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."

Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million
dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the *****?"

Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."

John: "Then come kiss Hank's ***** with us."

Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ***** often?"

Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."

Me: "And has He given you a million dollars?"

John: "Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town."

Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"

Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the
money,
and He kicks the ***** out of you."

Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's *****, left town, and got the
million dollars?"

John: "My mother kissed Hank's ***** for years. She left town last year, and
I'm sure she got the money."

Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"

John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."

Me: "So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if you've
never talked to anyone who got the money?"

Mary: "Well, He gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get
a
raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a
twenty-dollar bill on the street."

Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"

John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"

Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."

John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And
remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ***** He'll kick the ***** out of you."

Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from
Him..."

Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."

Me: "Then how do you kiss His *****?"

John: "Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His *****. Other
times
we kiss Karl's *****, and he passes it on."

Me: "Who's Karl?"

Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing
Hank's
*****. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."

Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that
Hank wanted you to kiss His *****, and that Hank would reward you?"

John: "Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the
whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."


From the desk of Karl

1. Kiss Hank's ***** and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave
town.

2. Use alcohol in moderation.

3. Kick the ***** out of people who aren't like you.

4. Eat right.

5. Hank dictated this list Himself.

6. The moon is made of green cheese.

7. Everything Hank says is right.

8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.

9. Don't use alcohol.

10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.

11. Kiss Hank's ***** or He'll kick the ***** out of you.


Me: "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."

Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."

Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's
handwriting."

John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."

Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"

Mary: "Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people."

Me: "I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of
philanthropist
kicks the ***** out of people just because they're different?"

Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."

Me: "How do you figure that?"

Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for
me!"

Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."

John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides,
item
2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8
says
'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things
are right, so the rest must be true, too."

Me: "But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2,
and
6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."

John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As
far
as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."

Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of
rock..."

Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of
space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."

Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was
somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted*. Besides, not knowing
where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."

John: "Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know
Hank
is always right!"

Me: "We do?"

Mary: "Of course we do, Item 7 says so."

Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list
is
right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because
the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's
right because He says He's right.'"

John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around
to Hank's way of thinking."

Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"

Mary: She blushes.

John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is
wrong."

Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"

John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."

Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"

Mary: She looks positively stricken.

John: He's shouting. "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any
kind are wrong!"

Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would
be
out of the question?"

Mary: Sticks her fingers in her ears."I am not listening to this. La la
la,
la la, la la la."

John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat
that..."

Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."

Mary: She faints.

John: He catches Mary. "Well, if I'd known you were one of those I
wouldn't
have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the ***** out of you I'll be there,
counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ***** for you, you bunless
cut-wienered kraut-eater."


With his, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.


(http://www.jhuger.com/kisshank.mv)