1. How to Fight Fair, Part I
"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with
everyone" (Romans 12:18, NIV).
I recall hearing the pastor of a large church, when celebrating his
twenty-fifth wedding anniversary, declare that he and his wife had never had
a conflict. I didn't believe him. Wherever there are two people, there will
always be some conflict, misunderstanding, or difference of opinion. About
the only way to live without ever having an open conflict is to live in
isolation as a hermit or have one partner become a doormat who chooses
"peace at any price." But neither of these is actually conflict free. The
conflicts have just gone underground or escaped.
Handled creatively, conflicts and disagreements can lead to growth and
increased mutual understanding. But to make differences of opinions
productive we need to learn to disagree agreeably, and to value the other
person's perspective in the process. So how do we do this?
First, and foremost, listen...listen...listen-not only with our ears, but
even more so with our hearts. We need to hear what other people are really
saying-not just what we think they are saying. We need to listen to their
feelings as well as their thoughts. Good communication and conflict
resolution requires listening beneath the other person's words to their
sometimes hidden emotions and unspoken needs or wishes.
Careful listening ensures that we won't distort what the other person is
trying to say. This is necessary because we each tend to interpret messages
through our own lenses. If we are extremely sensitive to criticism, for
example, we may interpret our spouse's potentially helpful suggestion as a
criticism. The more our seeing and hearing "lenses" are distorted by our
problems, the more likely we are to twist the messages people are giving us
to try to make them match our perception of reality.
Second, always strive to speak the truth in love. Remember that "grace and
truth came by Jesus Christ."1 We, too, need to precede truth with grace;
that is, to always give loving, gracious acceptance. Some of us are long at
speaking the truth but short on listening and short on loving. Unless we
speak from a point of sensitive caring, people will not feel safe enough to
share openly. They will hide or become angry or defensive. And unless they
can share their thoughts and feelings there can be no resolution.
Third, we need to be aware of our own true thoughts and feelings. If we feel
angry, for example, it will be important to acknowledge our anger. But we
should also be aware of what feelings and thoughts lay beneath our anger.
Anger, for example, often covers anxiety or fear. Instead of being aware of
our fear, we get angry. That feels safer. But it only makes matters worse.
Other times we use anger to stop others from getting close because we fear
intimacy. Equally destructive, we deny our feelings altogether and pretend
to be something we are not. Each of these reactions prevents conflict
resolution. Unresolved conflicts create resentment and festering resentment
breaks many relationships.
To be continued ....
Suggested prayer: "Dear God, whenever I am in a conflict situation please
give me a listening and understanding heart so I will always hear and give
consideration to the others person's point of view and not be deafened by my
own need to defend myself nor blinded by my own self-interest. Thank you for
hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen."
1. John 1:17
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1. How to Fight Fair, Part II
"But he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, 'And who is my
neighbor?'" (Luke 10:29, NIV).
Author John Powell expressed this attitude poignantly when he said, "We
defend our dishonesty [denying and not sharing our true feelings] on the
grounds that it may hurt another person, and then, having rationalized our
phoniness into nobility, we settle for superficial relationships."2
In continuing our series on resolving conflict the fourth point is to use
"I" messages. That is, instead of saying, "You make me mad," or "You really
hurt my feelings," say words to this effect. "When you say (or do) things
like thus and so, I feel hurt and/or angry, and I need to talk to you about
it." This helps you take responsibility for your feelings and avoid blaming
others. Many of us are like the lawyer in the Bible who, "wanting to justify
himself, said to Jesus, 'And who is my neighbor?'"3 This was when Jesus told
him that the greatest commandment was to love God and your neighbor as
yourself.
Blaming others blocks resolution. As difficult as it may be, I need to admit
that nobody causes my hurt feelings or makes me angry without my permission.
As my colleague Dr. Narramore puts it, "The other person is responsible for
their action. We are responsible for our reaction!"
For instance, if I had a perfect self-concept-which I don't have-my feelings
would rarely be hurt. What the other person said or did wouldn't upset me.
But if I feel inferior or have low self-esteem, I will be easily wounded
and/or angered. To the degree I overreact, however, that is my problem-not
theirs.
Overreactions happen when unresolved issues or wounds from our past are
triggered. So the more I have resolved my issues from the past, the less I
will overreact when negative things happen to me. This isn't to say that we
won't get our feelings hurt or that we shouldn't feel angry at times, but we
need to learn how to react in the right manner at the right time in the
right proportion to what has happened, not in proportion to our
hypersensitivity.
Fifth. Working with several hundred divorced people over the past decade, I
have found that the majority blame their former spouse for the breakup of
their marriage without taking a serious look at what they contributed.
Conflicts can only be resolved and we can only grow when both parties
acknowledge their contribution to the problem or misunderstanding. Yes, it
is true, some people are belligerent, dogmatic, and abusive. Even the Bible
implies that some people are impossible to get along with.4 But even then
there is something we can do. It may be standing up for ourselves-that is,
overcoming our overly passive or overly dependent, or super-sensitive style
by saying, "No more-enough is enough," and exercising tough love. In every
situation there is always some responsibility we can exercise.
To be concluded ...
Suggested prayer: "Dear God, in every conflict situation please help me to
be non-defensive, quit playing the blame-game, and see how in any way I
might be overreacting and use this as a motivation to grow and become a more
loving, understanding and mature adult. Thank you for hearing and answering
my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen."
2. John Powell, Why I Am Afraid to Tell You Who I Am, Argus Communications.
3. Luke 10:29, (NKJV).
4. Romans 12:18, (NIV).
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Daily Encounter
A Week-day Devotional by ***** Innes of ACTS International
1. How to Fight Fair, Part III
"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger"
(Proverbs 15:1, NIV). "Don't sin by letting anger gain control over you.
Don't let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a
mighty foothold to the Devil" (Ephesians 4:26-27, NLT).
The sixth point in resolving conflict is: stick to the subject at hand. Oh
boy, when people stuff their negative feelings and sit on their hurt and
anger, look out! They will eventually either implode (turn their emotions
inward and get sick), or explode. And it may be the "smallest" little thing
that triggers the explosion, so beware. They may also go back to unresolved
grievances from decades ago! To resolve conflicts, it is imperative to deal
only with the issue at hand. Period! The other issues can be discussed at a
different time.
Seventh, give up the right to always be right. People who have a compulsion
to always be right tend to be insecure and immature. Be willing to say, "I
was wrong. I apologize." As the Apostle Paul points out, we are not only to
speak the truth in love but also to grow up and mature in all areas of our
Christian life.5 That includes humility and respect for others and their
viewpoints.
Eighth, as the Bible also teaches, "Don't sin by letting anger gain control
over you. Don't let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger
gives a mighty foothold to the Devil."6 That means to resolve conflicts and
angry feelings as quickly as possible. When we resolve do this, the devil
loses his foothold.
Ninth, speak softly. Most of us tend to raise our voices when we are upset.
Research has shown that one effective way to handle yellers is to speak
softly. This tends to make them lean forward and speak more softly so they
can hear what you are saying. Yelling begets yelling! As Michel de Montaigne
said, "He who establishes his argument by noise and command shows that his
reason is weak." The Bible says, "A soft answer turns away wrath but
grievous words stir up hostility."7
Tenth, pray. Pray first about yourself. One of the most powerful prayers I
ever learned to pray was when I was at wits' end in a seemingly never-ending
conflict. In utter frustration I literally begged God to face me with the
truth of what I was contributing to this seemingly impossible situation.
Within two weeks I saw my hopeless co-dependency (even though I hadn't even
heard of the word at the time).
Once I saw the reality of what I was contributing, I knew what I could do
and was able to resolve my part in the conflict. I wish I had learned to
pray this prayer years before-even in Sunday School. Had I done so, I could
have saved myself years of needless pain and frustration.
Next, pray together. When two people are willing to face the truth about
themselves, accept responsibility for their part in the conflict, and pray
accordingly, there are not too many conflicts that can't be resolved.
Remember, "The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him
in truth."8
Suggested prayer: "Dear God, in every conflict situation in which I find
myself please help me to see exactly what I am contributing-whether it be
positive or negative-and always take responsibility for what I think, feel,
say and do. And help me to learn to be Christ-like at all times. Thank you
for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen."
5. Ephesians 4:15, (NASB).
6. Ephesians 4:26-27, (NLT).
7. Proverbs 15:1.
8. Psalm 145:18 (NIV).
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