http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-religion/1863534/posts

Pornography's Impact on Married Love

Homiletic & Pastoral Review (via Catholic Culture) ^ | June 2007 |
John Buri


Posted on 07/10/2007 5:45:00 AM PDT by markomalley


Pornography's Impact on Married Love

by John Buri, Ph.D.



Most Catholic men know it is wrong. Deep down, they know that when
they use pornography, they are yielding to their lustful desires and
they are sliding into sin.

http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-religion/1863534/posts

Pornography's Impact on Married Love

Homiletic & Pastoral Review (via Catholic Culture) ^ | June 2007 |
John Buri


Posted on 07/10/2007 5:45:00 AM PDT by markomalley


Pornography's Impact on Married Love

by John Buri, Ph.D.


< snip ***** >

http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-religion/1863534/posts

Pornography's Impact on Married Love

by John Buri, Ph.D.
Most Catholic men know it is wrong. Deep down, they know that when
they use pornography, they are yielding to their lustful desires and
they are sliding into sin. But many of these men, even some of the
most well-intentioned of them, have managed to convince themselves
that if there is any harm in the use of pornography, that harm is
minimal and that it is, at most, only harming themselves. Because the
use of pornography is so often a hidden behavior, they tend to think
of it as an individual sin, one that is private and whose consequences
are personal. But the fact of the matter is that participating in
pornography is anything but private and personal. Even if done alone,
it is a communal sin, and worse yet, it is a sin against the most
intimate of communal partners - one's spouse.
A good example of the communal nature of this sin can be captured in
the marriage of a close friend of mine. Todd had dated many women as a
young man and when he was 24 he began to date the love of his life. He
and that woman who had captured his heart, Kristi, have now been
married for almost 18 years.
One night as Todd and I were talking, I commented to him how impressed
I was that he and Kristi had remained so close over all these years. I
told him that I was especially impressed by the fact that he still
admired Kristi physically. Whether I saw the two of them together or
whether Todd was simply talking about Kristi when she wasn't there, it
was obvious that she was still "very hot" in his eyes.
I was taken aback by Todd's response. The first thing he said was (and
this part wasn't all that surprising): "I think we had better grab a
couple more beers before we start talking about this one." At that
point Todd proceeded to tell me the story behind the fact that he
really did find his wife very attractive.
"About 10 years ago I was on a family vacation with Kristi and our
children and a song came on the radio. The words of the song went
something like this: "Yes, my darling, you look wonderful tonight."
And as I looked over at Kristi, I realized that I would have a
difficult time singing these words to her - this woman who had been so
beautiful, so alluring, had now become physically boring and
unattractive."
At this point, Todd stopped to gather himself. It was clear that this
was not an easy thing for him to talk about. He proceeded to tell me
how after that day in the car, he began to think seriously about why
he no longer found Kristi as beautiful as he once did. Had she really
changed all that much? And he had to admit to himself that, no, she
was still a very attractive woman.
The marital ravages of pornography

I will never forget what Todd told me next. He said, "John, when I was
a young man, I had dabbled in some pornography, but I stopped when I
started dating Kristi - she didn't like it, and besides, I didn't need
it. But after we had been married a few years, I ended up going back
to the pornography.
"It started one night when I was up late working on the computer and I
stumbled across a website. Well, to make a long story short, I started
to use pornography more and more often. I guess deep down I knew it
wasn't right, but I kept telling myself that it wasn't hurting anyone,
at least no one but maybe me.
"And then it happened. One night a couple weeks after our family
vacation, Kristi found me at the computer with the pornography. To say
she was upset would be putting it mildly - let's just say we did not
sleep in the same room for several nights . . . Kristi informed me
that I could sleep with my computer! Well, I had a lot of time to
reflect on what was happening to my marriage. I started to think
seriously about how the love, respect, and desire I had felt for
Kristi was slipping away."
Pornography and married love: What the research has to say
Todd and I talked for a long time that night, and as we talked, I made
it clear to him that what had happened to his affection for Kristi was
not unusual or surprising - it's going to happen in those marriages
where men use pornography. What Todd was finding out the hard way
(through personal experience) has been verified in numerous research
studies - when men expose themselves to physically attractive
pornographic women, they begin to find their partners less beautiful
and they slowly become less satisfied with them.
This particular avenue of research began back in the late 1970s, and
it initially consisted of studies in which men were shown pictures and
movies of beautiful women and were then asked to judge the
attractiveness of other women. What the researchers found was that
after viewing these beautiful women, the men's judgments of the
attractiveness of other women were more negative. This was termed "the
contrast effect" - in contrast to beautiful women, other women will
pale by comparison and will end up being evaluated more negatively.1

Subsequent investigations of this contrast effect have used pictures
of physically attractive women as well as popular erotica. Researchers
have found that after repeated exposure to such materials: men judged
their wives as less satisfying, they reported that they felt less love
for their wives, they rated their partners as having less sexual
appeal, they reported lower commitment to their wives, and they judged
their partners as less attractive and less desirable.2
A vocation to love
Todd told me that he struggled for some time with the reality of what
pornography was doing to his marriage. As he put it: "I thought about
it a lot. I obviously knew that Kristi didn't like it, but more
importantly, I slowly came to realize that it was sucking the life
(and the love) out of our marriage. I knew I needed to give it up, but
whenever I tried, I found that it had more of a hold on me than I
thought.
"But I knew what I needed to do and I was determined to do it. I ended
up going to confession and the priest was so understanding and
supportive that I ended up seeing him on a regular basis. As it turns
out, his ongoing direction and encouragement were invaluable. At his
suggestion, I placed a copy of the Memorare up in the corner of the
computer screen. I began to pray and to fast that I could give up the
pornography, and more regularly than ever before I began to
participate in the sacrament of reconciliation and to receive the
Eucharist (several times a week). And, you know, I haven't used
pornography now for over five years. It took a while, but that
affection for Kristi slowly returned and now it is better than ever.
She is one beautiful and sexy woman. She's the only one I need and
she's the only one I want."
A trespass against love
A few years ago I was giving a talk in a parish in Minneapolis and
during the talk a woman in the audience asked a very personal
question. She said: "My husband uses pornography on a regular basis
and over the past couple of years he has started to criticize my
appearance and he has become more and more dissatisfied with our sex
life. Is it possible that these things are related to his use of
pornography?"
As this woman spoke, two things occurred to me. First, it was obvious
that there was nothing wrong with her appearance - by any objective
standard, she was an attractive woman. Secondly, I was struck by the
fact that she must have been quite desperate; after all, she had asked
such a personal question in a large room full of people.
And as I walked away that night, I found myself reflecting on the
reality of pornography. I thought about its trespass against the sixth
commandment, but even more, I thought about its trespass against love.
The promise that was given on the wedding day - "I will love you and
honor you all the days of my life" - is betrayed every time
pornography is entertained by a married man or a married woman. It is
anything but an individual sin, and its consequences are anything but
private. Is it any wonder that marriage and family counselors are more
and more frequently finding themselves working with marriages that
have been riddled by the use of pornography?
End notes
Kenrick, D. T., & Gutierres, S. E. (1980). Contrast effects and
judgments of physical attractiveness: When beauty becomes a social
problem. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 38, 131-140.
Melamed, L., & Moss, M. K. (1975). The effect of context on ratings of
attractiveness of photographs. Journal of Psychology, 90, 129-136.
Bergner, R. M., & Bridges, A. J. (2002). The significance of heavy
pornography involvement for romantic partners: Research and clinical
implications. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 28, 193-206.
Gutierres, S. E., Kenrick, D. T., & Partch, J. J. (1999). Beauty,
dominance, and the mating game: Contrast effects in self-assessment
reflect gender differences. Personality and Social Psychology
Bulletin, 25, 1126-1134.
Kenrick, D. T., Gutierres, S. E., & Goldberg, L. L. (1989). Influence
of popular erotica on judgments of strangers and mates. Journal of
Experimental Social Psychology, 25, 159-167.
Kenrick, D. T., Neuberg, S. L., Zierk, K. L., & Krones, J. M. (1994).
Evolution and social cognition: Contrast effects as a function of sex,
dominance, and physical attractiveness. Personality and Social
Psychology Bulletin, 20, 210-217.
Malamuth, N. M. (1984). Aggression against women: Cultural and
individual causes. In N. M. Malamuth & E. Donnerstein (Eds.),
Pornography and sexual aggression (pp. 19-52). Orlando, FL: Academic
Press.
Schneider, J. P. (2000). Effects of cybersex addiction on the family.
Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity, 7, 31-58.
Weaver, J. B., Masland, J. L., & Zillman, D. (1984). Effect of erotica
on young men's aesthetic perception of their female sexual partners.
Perceptual and Motor Skills, 58, 929-930.
Zillman, D., & Bryant, J. (1988). Effects of prolonged consumption of
pornography on family values. Journal of Family Issues, 9, 518-544.
Zillman, D., & Bryant, J. (1988). Pornography's impact on sexual
satisfaction. Journal of Applied Social Psychology, 18, 438-453.

--
Dr. John Buri is a professor at the University of St. Thomas in Saint
Paul, Minnesota, where he has been teaching in the Psychology
Department for over 30 years. For the past several years, Dr. Buri has
been active in archdiocesan marriage preparation in the Twin Cities.
Portions of this article have come from his recently published book
How To Love Your Wife. Dr. Buri has been married for 34 years and he
and his wife have six children.

http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-religion/1863534/posts

Pornography's Impact on Married Love

Homiletic & Pastoral Review (via Catholic Culture) ^ | June 2007 |
John Buri

Posted on 07/10/2007 5:45:00 AM PDT by markomalley

Pornography's Impact on Married Love

by John Buri, Ph.D.

Most Catholic men know it is wrong. Deep down, they know that when
they use pornography, they are yielding to their lustful desires and
they are sliding into sin.

most well-intentioned of them, have managed to convince themselves
that if there is any harm in the use of pornography, that harm is
minimal and that it is, at most, only harming themselves. Because the
use of pornography is so often

of it as an individual sin, one that is private and whose consequences
are personal. But the fact of the matter is that participating in
pornography is anything but private and personal.

it is a communal sin, and worse yet, it is a sin against the most
intimate of communal partners - one's spouse.

A good example of the communal nature of this sin can be captured in
the marriage of a close friend of mine.

young man and when he was 24 he began to date the love of his life. He
and that woman who had captured his heart, Kristi, have now been
married for almost 18 years.

One night as Todd and I were talking, I commented to him how impressed
I was that he and Kristi had remained so close over all these years. I
told him that I was especially impressed by the fact that he still
admired Kristi physically. Whether I saw the two of them together or
whether Todd was simply talking about Kristi when she wasn't there, it
was obvious that she was still "very hot" in his eyes.

I was taken aback by Todd's response. The first thing he said was (and
this part wasn't all that surprising): "I think we had better grab a
couple more beers before we start talking about this one." At that
point Todd proceeded to tell me the story behind the fact that he
really did find his wife very attractive.

"About 10 years ago I was on a family vacation with Kristi and our
children and a song came on the radio. The words of the song went
something like this: "Yes, my darling, you look wonderful tonight."

And as I looked over at Kristi, I realized that I would have a
difficult time singing these words to her - this woman who had been so
beautiful, so alluring, had now become physically boring and
unattractive."

At this point, Todd stopped to gather himself. It was clear that this
was not an easy thing for him to talk about. He proceeded to tell me
how after that day in the car, he began to think seriously about why
he no longer found Kristi as beautiful as he once did. Had she really
changed all that much? And he had to admit to himself that, no, she
was still a very attractive woman.

The marital ravages of pornography

I will never forget what Todd told me next. He said, "John, when I was
a young man, I had dabbled in some pornography, but I stopped when I
started dating Kristi - she didn't like it, and besides, I didn't need
it. But after we had been married a few years, I ended up going back
to the pornography.

"It started one night when I was up late working on the computer and I
stumbled across a website. Well, to make a long story short, I started
to use pornography more and more often. I guess deep down I knew it
wasn't right, but I kept telling myself that it wasn't hurting anyone,
at least no one but maybe me.

"And then it happened. One night a couple weeks after our family
vacation, Kristi found me at the computer with the pornography. To say
she was upset would be putting it mildly - let's just say we did not
sleep in the same room for several nights . . . Kristi informed me
that I could sleep with my computer! Well, I had a lot of time to
reflect on what was happening to my marriage. I started to think
seriously about how the love, respect, and desire I had felt for
Kristi was slipping away."

Pornography and married love: What the research has to say

Todd and I talked for a long time that night, and as we talked, I made
it clear to him that what had happened to his affection for Kristi was
not unusual or surprising - it's going to happen in those marriages
where men use pornography. What Todd was finding out the hard way
(through personal experience) has been verified in numerous research
studies - when men expose themselves to physically attractive
pornographic women, they begin to find their partners less beautiful
and they slowly become less satisfied with them.

This particular avenue of research began back in the late 1970s, and
it initially consisted of studies in which men were shown pictures and
movies of beautiful women and were then asked to judge the
attractiveness of other women. What the researchers found was that
after viewing these beautiful women, the men's judgments of the
attractiveness of other women were more negative. This was termed "the
contrast effect" - in contrast to beautiful women, other women will
pale by comparison and will end up being evaluated more negatively.1

Subsequent investigations of this contrast effect have used pictures
of physically attractive women as well as popular erotica. Researchers
have found that after repeated exposure to such materials: men judged
their wives as less satisfying, they reported that they felt less love
for their wives, they rated their partners as having less sexual
appeal, they reported lower commitment to their wives, and they judged
their partners as less attractive and less desirable.2

A vocation to love

Todd told me that he struggled for some time with the reality of what
pornography was doing to his marriage. As he put it: "I thought about
it a lot. I obviously knew that Kristi didn't like it, but more
importantly, I slowly came to realize that it was sucking the life
(and the love) out of our marriage. I knew I needed to give it up, but
whenever I tried, I found that it had more of a hold on me than I
thought.

"But I knew what I needed to do and I was determined to do it. I ended
up going to confession and the priest was so understanding and
supportive that I ended up seeing him on a regular basis. As it turns
out, his ongoing direction and encouragement were invaluable. At his
suggestion, I placed a copy of the Memorare up in the corner of the
computer screen. I began to pray and to fast that I could give up the
pornography, and more regularly than ever before I began to
participate in the sacrament of reconciliation and to receive the
Eucharist (several times a week). And, you know, I haven't used
pornography now for over five years. It took a while, but that
affection for Kristi slowly returned and now it is better than ever.
She is one beautiful and sexy woman. She's the only one I need and
she's the only one I want."

A trespass against love

A few years ago I was giving a talk in a parish in Minneapolis and
during the talk a woman in the audience asked a very personal
question. She said: "My husband uses pornography on a regular basis
and over the past couple of years he has started to criticize my
appearance and he has become more and more dissatisfied with our sex
life. Is it possible that these things are related to his use of
pornography?"

As this woman spoke, two things occurred to me. First, it was obvious
that there was nothing wrong with her appearance - by any objective
standard, she was an attractive woman. Secondly, I was struck by the
fact that she must have been quite desperate; after all, she had asked
such a personal question in a large room full of people.

And as I walked away that night, I found myself reflecting on the
reality of pornography. I thought about its trespass against the sixth
commandment, but even more, I thought about its trespass against love.
The promise that was given on the wedding day - "I will love you and
honor you all the days of my life" - is betrayed every time
pornography is entertained by a married man or a married woman. It is
anything but an individual sin, and its consequences are anything but
private. Is it any wonder that marriage and family counselors are more
and more frequently finding themselves working with marriages that
have been riddled by the use of pornography?

End notes

Kenrick, D. T., & Gutierres, S. E. (1980). Contrast effects and
judgments of physical attractiveness: When beauty becomes a social
problem. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 38, 131-140.
Melamed, L., & Moss, M. K. (1975). The effect of context on ratings of
attractiveness of photographs. Journal of Psychology, 90, 129-136.
Bergner, R. M., & Bridges, A. J. (2002). The significance of heavy
pornography involvement for romantic partners: Research and clinical
implications. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 28, 193-206.
Gutierres, S. E., Kenrick, D. T., & Partch, J. J. (1999). Beauty,
dominance, and the mating game: Contrast effects in self-assessment
reflect gender differences. Personality and Social Psychology
Bulletin, 25, 1126-1134.
Kenrick, D. T., Gutierres, S. E., & Goldberg, L. L. (1989). Influence
of popular erotica on judgments of strangers and mates. Journal of
Experimental Social Psychology, 25, 159-167.
Kenrick, D. T., Neuberg, S. L., Zierk, K. L., & Krones, J. M. (1994).
Evolution and social cognition: Contrast effects as a function of sex,
dominance, and physical attractiveness. Personality and Social
Psychology Bulletin, 20, 210-217.
Malamuth, N. M. (1984). Aggression against women: Cultural and
individual causes. In N. M. Malamuth & E. Donnerstein (Eds.),
Pornography and sexual aggression (pp. 19-52). Orlando, FL: Academic
Press.
Schneider, J. P. (2000). Effects of cybersex addiction on the family.
Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity, 7, 31-58.
Weaver, J. B., Masland, J. L., & Zillman, D. (1984). Effect of erotica
on young men's aesthetic perception of their female sexual partners....

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