'Twas Two Days Past the Solstice
(or, Account of pestering by proselytizers)

by Bob Dog, adapted from Clement Clarke Moore's poem


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'Twas two days past the solstice, and all through the house
Not a person was praying, and no one did grouse
The stockings were tumbling in the dryer with care,
They wouldn't, if hung by the fireplace, there

The children had woken like any other day,
And they dressed for the weather, outside they did play;
Mother reading books, I wearing my team's cap
(For other than football, the day's TV was crap)

Then I heard the sound, for someone did knock,
"At nine in the morning?" I looked at the clock
Got out of my chair and answered the door
For I am neither inhospitable, nor a boor.

I undid the latch and pulled the door wide
And saw a dozen people standing outside,
The fat one spoke to me, his mouth in full gear
While the rest watched my children, with lustful leers

With a lot of old drivel, pretending to be nice,
I knew in a moment he worshipped Satan Christ
More vapid than *****, his discourse it came,
And he blathered, and shouted, and called on "Gawd"'s name

"Now, hear me, oh lord, save this atheist's soul
I bring the word of Jeeeezus to this fallen foe
Jeeezus, sweet Jeeezus, let us be heard!"
(I don't think this guy knew more than fifty words)

I thought "What an idiot, this fat old moron,
Common sense and reality, to which he won't cotton,"
So I pointed to the sign that said "No Religion",
But for respect and courtesy, he hadn't a smidgen.

"You must take the lord as your personal saviour"
But I let him know of his offensive behaviour
"If 'god' is so great, why is no evidence found?
The real rock of ages are fossils in the ground."

Wearing Armani and furs, claimed he cared for the poor
Did donations help the hungry? That he wouldn't assure
A packful of lies he had by the dozens,
And stood by his third wife - was that his cousin?

His eyes - how they twinkled with hatred, so very
Evident behind them, this look-a-like Jerry
A troll with a big mouth that liked to bellow,
That led a congregation as white as the snow

The thump of a bible he held tight in his hand,
And had horns on his head, not a halo, or band,
He had a broad smile that was so clearly evil,
And he lived of the back of society, like a weevil.

He was arrogant and vain, true old-time religion
"Get rid of him now" was my only decision
I signalled to my wife with a twist of my head,
To get rid of this man with a neck so red

He spoke far too much, a fascist gone bezerk,
He didn't have the decency to leave, the jerk,
He kept talking "gawd", he'd gone way too far,
When I heard that blessed sound, a police squad car

They were taken away, he was finally leavin',
"GOD WILL RAIN VENGEANCE DOWN UPON YOU, HEATHEN!"
I heard him exclaim, but to my delight,
They were put in the drunk tank for the rest of the night.
------------------------------------------------------------

'Twas Two Days Past the Solstice
(or, Account of pestering by proselytizers)

by Bob Dog, adapted from Clement Clarke Moore's poem


------------------------------------------------------------

'Twas two days past the solstice, and all through the house
Not a person was praying, and no one did grouse
The stockings were tumbling in the dryer with care,
They wouldn't, if hung by the fireplace, there

The children had woken like any other day,
And they dressed for the weather, outside they did play;
Mother reading books, I wearing my team's cap
(For other than football, the day's TV was crap)

Then I heard the sound, for someone did knock,
"At nine in the morning?" I looked at the clock
Got out of my chair and answered the door
For I am neither inhospitable, nor a boor.

I undid the latch and pulled the door wide
And saw a dozen people standing outside,
The fat one spoke to me, his mouth in full gear
While the rest watched my children, with lustful leers

With a lot of old drivel, pretending to be nice,
I knew in a moment he worshipped Satan Christ
More vapid than *****, his discourse it came,
And he blathered, and shouted, and called on "Gawd"'s name

"Now, hear me, oh lord, save this atheist's soul
I bring the word of Jeeeezus to this fallen foe
Jeeezus, sweet Jeeezus, let us be heard!"
(I don't think this guy knew more than fifty words)

I thought "What an idiot, this fat old moron,
Common sense and reality, to which he won't cotton,"
So I pointed to the sign that said "No Religion",
But for respect and courtesy, he hadn't a smidgen.

"You must take the lord as your personal saviour"
But I let him know of his offensive behaviour
"If 'god' is so great, why is no evidence found?
The real rock of ages are fossils in the ground."

Wearing Armani and furs, claimed he cared for the poor
Did donations help the hungry? That he wouldn't assure
A packful of lies he had by the dozens,
And stood by his third wife - was that his cousin?

His eyes - how they twinkled with hatred, so very
Evident behind them, this look-a-like Jerry
A troll with a big mouth that liked to bellow,
That led a congregation as white as the snow

The thump of a bible he held tight in his hand,
And had horns on his head, not a halo, or band,
He had a broad smile that was so clearly evil,
And he lived of the back of society, like a weevil.

He was arrogant and vain, true old-time religion
"Get rid of him now" was my only decision
I signalled to my wife with a twist of my head,
To get rid of this man with a neck so red

He spoke far too much, a fascist gone bezerk,
He didn't have the decency to leave, the jerk,
He kept talking "gawd", he'd gone way too far,
When I heard that blessed sound, a police squad car

They were taken away, he was finally leavin',
"GOD WILL RAIN VENGEANCE DOWN UPON YOU, HEATHEN!"
I heard him exclaim, but to my delight,
They were put in the drunk tank for the rest of the night.
------------------------------------------------------------