BIBLICALLY ILLITERATE "Read The Bible" <bibleverse2@yahoo.com> wroteth:

Whats in Your Heart?

Blood!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jesus Removed from Christian's Heart in Touch-and-Go Operation

OTTAWA, CANADA - In a 14-hour operation requiring two teams of cardiac
surgeons, the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ was successfully removed from a
Christian man's heart.


"During a low point in his life, the patient, Dennis Richmond, who is now
doing extremely well, invited the Jesus into his heart in hopes of some
sort
of eternal salvation. In this case, the invitation was intentional."


"But many naive souls do not realize how often the Jesus is accidentally
invited into a heart, and how quickly He dangerously entangles himself in
essential bodily functions," explained Dr. Peter Rider, of the Ottawa
Heart
Center, who led the two surgical teams.


"Often, invasion begins innocuously by reading aloud some 'Dear Lord, I
know
I am a sinner...' poem on the back of a discarded religious tract you
found
on the street. Even if you said it in a whisper. Even when you say it as a
joke in a big preachy voice."


"The entry route of the Jesus into a host body is usually oral. So, if
you're a sinner, go ahead and think it - but for Christ's sake, don't say
so
aloud. Or bam, the Jesus is in your heart and God help you."


Using a detailed vascular diagram taken by MRI, which was then overlaid on
a
manuscript illuminated by 14th century Jesuit priests, Dr. Rider showed
how
the Jesus quickly took hold in the heart of Mr. Richmond, rapidly filling
the ventricles and atria, and then spreading to the peritoneum. From this
safe haven, tendrils of the Jesus spread to the brain and to the groin.


"At first, the parasitic union brings pleasure to its new host, giving
time
for the Jesus to further metastatize. Dennis says he first felt all warm
inside and said 'hi' to everyone and called up his parents and said he
'forgave them' for something or other. In fact, he says he called up a lot
of people and forgave them. He thought it was 'healing' when it was
exactly
the opposite."


"While he was beaming and glowing, the Jesus was becoming a growing
cancer."


Mr. Richmond gave a brief press interview, in which he related the next
phase of the infiltration.


"I was all heaven and hallelujah for about a week and a half. Or about the
time when my girlfriend, Gibby, was supposed to return from the Spanish
language immersion thing she went to Baja California for. I had thought
when
she left that meant we were breaking up, so I was totally down and
figured,
how about the Jesus guy?"


"But Gibby called two days before coming back and said she totally missed
me, if you know what I mean, and we said some things over the phone and I
started getting this anticipatory hard-on. And that's when the word
'FORNICATION' goes off in my head like a neon sign."


"And I thought, Jesus Christ, what's this?! And then 'BLASPHEMY' goes off
in
my head like a neon sign too. Everywhere I go, I see judgmental labels.
Watch sports - 'IDOLATRY,' go to work - 'PRIDE,' hang with friends -
'SLOTH.' 'FORNICATION' came up a lot."


"About then the guilt kicked in. I had to do something, and fast."


Rider explains that this was a critical point for Mr. Richmond. "The host
recognizes the far-reaching invasion of the Jesus, which starts altering
his
mind and natural urges; making a person feel as if his own body is against
him."


"Then the host starts paying a tithe, listening to country music, even
listening to AM talk radio. Beyond this point, extraction becomes
impossible. Dennis was lucky."


Using surgical techniques developed in atheist China, the team cut a small
incision below Mr. Richmond's sternum and were immediately blinded. The
Jesus was everywhere.


"It was like a jungle inside - where to start? We just started cutting out
anything that looked holy. Sweat in our eyes, the unbearable heat, the
radiant light. Dr. Stornberg started humming, and when we realized it was
a
hymn, two orderlies hustled him from the operating theater."


"It was gruesome, the medical waste bucket nearly filled up with bloody
scraps of the Jesus. After 14 hours, the patient's chest cavity was as
dark
as a sepulchre, so we sewed him up."


"We got lucky, we got real lucky. It was NOT a miracle. Just really good
luck."


"Did they save me?" said a quickly recuperating Dennis, returning one
reporter's question. "Sure as ***** did. And as soon as these stitches
heal,
I plan to fornicate Gibby blind and toothless."


Dennis will recovery fully, but doctors have made it clear he will not be
allowed to enter a church, watch a televangelist or talk to any Christian
believer more zealous than a Methodist for a very long time.

I liked yer story mark but it turned out as usual jb
From
http://www.lowlights-now.com/ipw-web/portal/73/modules.php?name=News&...



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