| Topic: |
Religions > Bible |
| User: |
"SheBlewHimDidYouBlowHim" |
| Date: |
16 Jul 2005 10:17:27 PM |
| Object: |
when it comes to religion |
Thanks to George Carlin:
When it comes to *****, big-time, major league *****, you have to
stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated
claims, religion. No contest. No contest. Religion. Religion easily has the
greatest ***** story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually
convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches
everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a
special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of
these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning
and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn
and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!
But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money!
He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just
can't handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no
taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good
***** story. Holy *****!
But I want you to know something, this is sincere, I want you to know, when
it comes to believing in God, I really tried. I really, really tried. I
tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own
image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I
really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the
more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.
Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth,
poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is
definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I
am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the résumé of a
Supreme Being. This is the kind of ***** you'd expect from an office temp
with a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in any decently-run
universe, this guy would've been out on his all-powerful ***** a long time
ago. And by the way, I say "this guy", because I firmly believe, looking at
these results, that if there is a God, it has to be a man.
No woman could or would ever ***** things up like this. So, if there is a
God, I think most reasonable people might agree that he's at least
incompetent, and maybe, just maybe, doesn't give a *****. Doesn't give a
*****, which I admire in a person, and which would explain a lot of these bad
results.
So rather than be just another mindless religious robot, mindlessly and
aimlessly and blindly believing that all of this is in the hands of some
spooky incompetent father figure who doesn't give a *****, I decided to look
around for something else to worship. Something I could really count on.
And immediately, I thought of the sun. Happened like that. Overnight I
became a sun-worshipper. Well, not overnight, you can't see the sun at
night. But first thing the next morning, I became a sun-worshipper. Several
reasons. First of all, I can see the sun, okay? Unlike some other gods I
could mention, I can actually see the sun. I'm big on that. If I can see
something, I don't know, it kind of helps the credibility along, you know?
So everyday I can see the sun, as it gives me everything I need; heat,
light, food, flowers in the park, reflections on the lake, an occasional
skin cancer, but hey. At least there are no crucifixions, and we're not
setting people on fire simply because they don't agree with us.
Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry,
no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a
special building where we all gather once a week to compare clothing. And
the best thing about the sun, it never tells me I'm unworthy. Doesn't tell
me I'm a bad person who needs to be saved. Hasn't said an unkind word.
Treats me fine. So, I worship the sun. But, I don't pray to the sun. Know
why? I wouldn't presume on our friendship. It's not polite.
I've often thought people treat God rather rudely, don't you? Asking
trillions and trillions of prayers every day. Asking and pleading and
begging for favors. Do this, gimme that, I need a new car, I want a better
job. And most of this praying takes place on Sunday His day off. It's not
nice. And it's no way to treat a friend.
But people do pray, and they pray for a lot of different things, you know,
your sister needs an operation on her crotch, your brother was arrested for
defecating in a mall. But most of all, you'd really like to ***** that hot
little redhead down at the convenience store. You know, the one with the
eyepatch and the clubfoot? Can you pray for that? I think you'd have to. And
I say, fine. Pray for anything you want. Pray for anything, but what about
the Divine Plan?
Remember that? The Divine Plan. Long time ago, God made a Divine Plan. Gave
it a lot of thought, decided it was a good plan, put it into practice. And
for billions and billions of years, the Divine Plan has been doing just
fine. Now, you come along, and pray for something. Well suppose the thing
you want isn't in God's Divine Plan? What do you want Him to do? Change His
plan? Just for you? Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? It's a Divine Plan.
What's the use of being God if every run-down shmuck with a two-dollar
prayerbook can come along and ***** up Your Plan?
And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your
prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will
Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants
to anyway, why the ***** bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big
waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to
His Will? It's all very confusing.
So to get around a lot of this, I decided to worship the sun. But, as I
said, I don't pray to the sun. You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two
reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts.
Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't *****
around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was
having trouble with.
For years I asked God to do something about my noisy neighbor with the
barking dog, Joe Pesci straightened that ***** out with one visit. It's
amazing what you can accomplish with a simple baseball bat.
So I've been praying to Joe for about a year now. And I noticed something. I
noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I
now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half
the time I get what I want, half the time I don't. Same as God, 50-50. Same
as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe, the wishing well and the rabbit's
foot, same as the Mojo Man, same as the Voodoo Lady who tells you your
fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles, it's all the same: 50-50. So just
pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself.
And for those of you who look to The Bible for moral lessons and literary
qualities, I might suggest a couple of other stories for you. You might want
to look at the Three Little Pigs, that's a good one. Has a nice happy
ending, I'm sure you'll like that. Then there's Little Red Riding Hood,
although it does have that X-rated part where the Big Bad Wolf actually eats
the grandmother. Which I didn't care for, by the way. And finally, I've
always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I
like the best? "All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put
Humpty Dumpty back together again." That's because there is no Humpty
Dumpty, and there is no God. None, not one, no God, never was. In fact, I'm
gonna put it this way. If there is a God, may he strike this audience dead!
See? Nothing happened. Nothing happened? Everybody's okay? All right, tell
you what, I'll raise the stakes a little bit. If there is a God, may he
strike me dead. See? Nothing happened, oh, wait, I've got a little cramp in
my leg. And my balls hurt. Plus, I'm blind. I'm blind, oh, now I'm okay
again, must have been Joe Pesci, huh? God Bless Joe Pesci. Thank you all
very much. Joe Bless You!
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| User: "Midjis" |
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| Title: Re: when it comes to religion |
17 Jul 2005 05:41:45 AM |
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"SheBlewHimDidYouBlowHim" <killgod@killgod.com> wrote:
But I want you to know something, this is sincere, I want you to know,
when it comes to believing in God, I really tried. I really, really
tried.
Thank you. That's all I was looking for.
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| User: "SheBlewHimDidYouBlowHim" |
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| Title: Re: when it comes to religion |
17 Jul 2005 08:37:50 AM |
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so, you didn't say anything about the line "religion - the greatest *****
story ever told"
logic - something religion is VERY uncomfortable with
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| User: "Midjis" |
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| Title: Re: when it comes to religion |
17 Jul 2005 09:29:15 AM |
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"SheBlewHimDidYouBlowHim" <killgod@killgod.com> wrote:
so, you didn't say anything about the line "religion - the greatest
***** story ever told"
No - because that wasn't the bit I was interested in.
I was only interested in the answer you've finally given to the question
I've been asking you for days.
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| User: "" |
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| Title: Re: when it comes to religion |
17 Jul 2005 04:57:13 PM |
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SheBlewHimDidYouBlowHim wrote:
Thanks to George Carlin:
When it comes to *****, big-time, major league *****, you have to
stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated
claims, religion. No contest. No contest. Religion. Religion easily has the
greatest ***** story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually
convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches
everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a
special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of
these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning
and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn
and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!
We assume ol' George got his 30 pieces of silver for the above, right?
Get behind us, Satan!
Prayer For Guidance Of The Holy Spirit:
O God, may the Holy Spirit who proceeds from you enlighten our minds,
and lead us to perfect truth as Christ, your Son promised. We ask in
His name. Amen.
(This has been brought to you free of charge.) :-)
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| User: "Denis Loubet" |
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| Title: Re: when it comes to religion |
17 Jul 2005 05:48:45 PM |
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<vivapadrepio@aol.com> wrote in message
news:1121637432.972490.235610@o13g2000cwo.googlegroups.com...
SheBlewHimDidYouBlowHim wrote:
Thanks to George Carlin:
When it comes to *****, big-time, major league *****, you have to
stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated
claims, religion. No contest. No contest. Religion. Religion easily has
the
greatest ***** story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually
convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who
watches
everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a
special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any
of
these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and
burning
and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and
burn
and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!
We assume ol' George got his 30 pieces of silver for the above, right?
Hey, isn't the fellow in the bible you're alluding to the big hero? Without
him you'd have no crucifixion, and no savior.
Get behind us, Satan!
Who's this "us" you're talking about?
Prayer For Guidance Of The Holy Spirit:
Screw the Holy Spirit.
O God, may the Holy Spirit who proceeds from you enlighten our minds,
and lead us to perfect truth as Christ, your Son promised. We ask in
His name. Amen.
I just committed the one unpardonable sin and insulted the Holy Spirit. I
got NO chance now. So you can shut the hell up.
(This has been brought to you free of charge.) :-)
Not when this is crossposted to christian newsgroups it isn't.
--
Denis Loubet
dloubet@io.com
http://www.io.com/~dloubet
http://www.ashenempires.com
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| User: "DanielSan" |
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| Title: Re: when it comes to religion |
17 Jul 2005 05:42:59 PM |
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wrote:
SheBlewHimDidYouBlowHim wrote:
Thanks to George Carlin:
When it comes to *****, big-time, major league *****, you have to
stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated
claims, religion. No contest. No contest. Religion. Religion easily has the
greatest ***** story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually
convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches
everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a
special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of
these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning
and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn
and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!
We assume ol' George got his 30 pieces of silver for the above, right?
Get behind us, Satan!
Your homoerotic tendencies are showing, Viva.
--
****************************************************
* DanielSan -- alt.atheism #2226 *
*--------------------------------------------------*
* "No one ever demonstrated, so far as I am aware, *
* the non-existence of Zeus or Thor - but they *
* have few followers now." Arthur C. Clarke *
****************************************************
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| User: "Josef Balluch" |
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| Title: Re: when it comes to religion |
17 Jul 2005 05:51:03 PM |
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In a message sent 'round the world, poured fuel on
the fire with the following:
....
(This has been brought to you free of charge.) :-)
Yup. Looks like we got our money's worth.
Regards,
Josef
To know that the Bible is the literature of a barbarous people, to know
that it is uninspired, to be certain that the supernatural does not and
cannot exist - all this is but the beginning of wisdom.
-- Robert G. Ingersoll
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