can't figure it out. damn't.

It is a little over two weeks til we move.Very jumbled inside. If the move was
to a permanent job, the pressure would be less I think. But still have to be
on job market in August, and prepared to move Maria and me (and maybe ex) again
after year at Albany, and getting tierd.

Going to try very hard to make friends in New York. Nina talked about people
and activtiy as "distraction" but it is of course more than that. Need to
rebuild living a life that I am willing to accept is different than "before,"
but that is mine and Maria's and good. My mama became more and more afraid of
the world as she got older and I worry that I am repeating that cycle . . so I
keep putting myself out there.

But on other hand, I am not so sure that I am not too damaged (as my ex calls
me) to be out there. Conference in Oxford is right before move to states so I
guess it will be a trial run to see if I can still interact professionally. So
silly, I am focused on things like buying perfume again (ran out and money too
tight right now to get) and flowers for house and books for Maria. Gawd, you'd
never believe I was a "tough chick" once who dealt with homelessness, I need
the nest -- life -- so feathered to just cope with it now.

I see images in pictures sometimes of, for example, old wizards in purple robes
bent over huge illuminated manuscripts in a small candle lit library where the
desk is covered in ancient maps and other manuscripts, some times small vials
with magical liquid (one guesses) and books piled on the floor -- I see it and
want to be in that place, bent over like the wizard in deep concentration and
contemplation of some idea leaping out at him from the manuscript . . . but I
am not stoic enough for that life. Need people, touch, kisses, laughter,
exchange with others.

Oh well, enough stream of conscious. Back to Aquinas, and hopefully a couple
of lesson plans too. Hope everyone is well.

Rosena