I can relate.
I don't know if you read my earlier post (titled parents), but I often find
myself wondering how much I am scarring my son emotionally. I continue to
think than when he's older, and looking towards having relationships, wether
his views on females will be negative due to my depression and moods. The
struggle of doing everything alone is intense at the moment, and I can get
very dark at times. Like this afternoon for instance. He's such a cheerful,
playful, polite young boy (29 months), and so tolerant. I don't want him to
end up thinking that I caused him to miss out on the real me. But at the
moment, it is the real me. And he has no influence towards my depression -
it's the outside factors.
I focus on my son constantly - and for the most part it's healthy and
positive, and I'm doing it as best as I know how. He's a toddler as a
person, and I'm a toddler as a parent. We both grow, hand in hand. I never
want to lose that grasp. Sometimes I wish that I wasn't the only one holding
on to both of his hands though, and that there was someone who is happy to
hold mine during my pits of sadness.
"Trishamolson" <trishamolson@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20040506060654.18679.00000543@mb-m26.aol.com...
Doing bibliography is soothing a bit -- putting things in an ordered list,
creating boundaries on amount of material . . . it is funny. I love
order,
calm, organization. But my life has always always been chaotic,
disorganized,
unordered. The issue is important enough to go to mental health.
On another front, Maria spent an hour reading me all her little stories
from
school and other school writings. She wrote a biography and in it she
said I
went away for two years and then came back when she was an infant. I
never
went away for two years.But I think I was so sick then and wrapped up in
John
that it seemed to her as she didn't have a mommy . . . that hurts. Need
to
stay focused on HER.
Be there for *her*. I know mothers here relate -- it is so terrible to
deal
with one's dark demons and try to be a good mama at the same time.
Rosena
.
