I am scared and it is reasonable to be so. I needed to hire a translator for a
bit of Peter of Lombard which was too advanced for me to translate. The man
came over here. We arranged the matter and then he stayed and talked -- 3
hours. My ex was present too. He was a very dapper and widely educated
English man, quite lovely and well read on ancient civlization and classics. I
thought he was interesting and warm.
However, throughout the conversation I wa keenly aware of how the expression on
my face might look, whether I said, "yes," or "hmmm" too frequently or too
infrequently, aware of being crippled, and not able to get up and offer coffee
for example, aware that I likely had put too much make upon, or too little --
generally extremely uncomfortable and nervous. This is the first person we
have had in this house other than neighbor children running about . . . my
reactions are not a good sign for what is coming up with conferences and New
York. I stumbled, muttered, twittered when not called for, and generally did
not "perform" well in my role of "academic professor" . . . if I cannot do this
with this man, how will I do it in New York or at Oxford??
As said, I am scared. And the work on the dissertation is overwhelming me --
my ignorance is overwhelming me . . . can't think of a damn thing to do except
to keep plugging away at the work. But there must be someway I can increase
just a bit of confidence and gain the appearance of a professional again . . .
I wish to appear urbane, and I am sitting here ashamed to be in my body and
mind and feeling like a country hick who lacks in all social graces and has the
mental breadth of an 11 year old. This is trivial compared to what many are
enduring right now on ASD. But the slightest breaze in life seem to startle me
and push me to a corner.
Maybe just getting to work today will help. I don't know.
Rosena
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| User: "JohnM" |
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| Title: Re: @@ |
17 May 2004 04:34:06 PM |
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I agree with Kirby and would like to add a couple things I use. You can
"wear the mask"...in other words....just be as cool and objective as
possible, minimal expression on your face, this works as noone can see how
you are feeling on the inside. There are a number of phrases I tell myself
(from my self help method) such as "dont tell me how you feel, tell me how
you function" and "movement of the muscles overcomes the defeatist babble of
the brain". Act calm and you will be calm or "calm begets calm". Finally,
when something possibly uncomfortable is coming up I say "fearful
anticipation is usually worse than the actual realization". BTW, there is
nothing wrong with nodding, saying hmmm and so on. And self consciousness
is very common. Dont worry about it...your spontaneity will come back.
Just dont judge yourself for imagined or real social faux pas. To err is
human, no? And you _are_ a fascinating person. And we're on your side in
here. Go Trish! ;-D
"Trishamolson" <trishamolson@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20040517111623.16651.00001453@mb-m18.aol.com...
I am scared and it is reasonable to be so. I needed to hire a translator
for a
bit of Peter of Lombard which was too advanced for me to translate. The
man
came over here. We arranged the matter and then he stayed and talked -- 3
hours. My ex was present too. He was a very dapper and widely educated
English man, quite lovely and well read on ancient civlization and
classics. I
thought he was interesting and warm.
However, throughout the conversation I wa keenly aware of how the
expression on
my face might look, whether I said, "yes," or "hmmm" too frequently or too
infrequently, aware of being crippled, and not able to get up and offer
coffee
for example, aware that I likely had put too much make upon, or too
little --
generally extremely uncomfortable and nervous. This is the first person
we
have had in this house other than neighbor children running about . . . my
reactions are not a good sign for what is coming up with conferences and
New
York. I stumbled, muttered, twittered when not called for, and generally
did
not "perform" well in my role of "academic professor" . . . if I cannot do
this
with this man, how will I do it in New York or at Oxford??
As said, I am scared. And the work on the dissertation is overwhelming
me --
my ignorance is overwhelming me . . . can't think of a damn thing to do
except
to keep plugging away at the work. But there must be someway I can
increase
just a bit of confidence and gain the appearance of a professional again .
.. .
I wish to appear urbane, and I am sitting here ashamed to be in my body
and
mind and feeling like a country hick who lacks in all social graces and
has the
mental breadth of an 11 year old. This is trivial compared to what many
are
enduring right now on ASD. But the slightest breaze in life seem to
startle me
and push me to a corner.
Maybe just getting to work today will help. I don't know.
Rosena
.
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| User: "Trishamolson" |
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| Title: Re: @@ |
18 May 2004 11:51:12 AM |
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Hey John,
You always write such thoughtful replies. I know, I always forget that the
inside does not necessarily show on the outside. Just not sure if I bit off
more than I can handle.
Rosena
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| User: "Kirby Cook" |
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| Title: Re: @@ |
17 May 2004 10:58:04 AM |
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Trishamolson wrote:
I am scared and it is reasonable to be so. I needed to hire a translator for a
bit of Peter of Lombard which was too advanced for me to translate. The man
came over here. We arranged the matter and then he stayed and talked -- 3
hours. My ex was present too. He was a very dapper and widely educated
English man, quite lovely and well read on ancient civlization and classics. I
thought he was interesting and warm.
However, throughout the conversation I wa keenly aware of how the expression on
my face might look, whether I said, "yes," or "hmmm" too frequently or too
infrequently, aware of being crippled, and not able to get up and offer coffee
for example, aware that I likely had put too much make upon, or too little --
generally extremely uncomfortable and nervous. This is the first person we
have had in this house other than neighbor children running about . . . my
reactions are not a good sign for what is coming up with conferences and New
York. I stumbled, muttered, twittered when not called for, and generally did
not "perform" well in my role of "academic professor" . . . if I cannot do this
with this man, how will I do it in New York or at Oxford??
As said, I am scared. And the work on the dissertation is overwhelming me --
my ignorance is overwhelming me . . . can't think of a damn thing to do except
to keep plugging away at the work. But there must be someway I can increase
just a bit of confidence and gain the appearance of a professional again . . .
I wish to appear urbane, and I am sitting here ashamed to be in my body and
mind and feeling like a country hick who lacks in all social graces and has the
mental breadth of an 11 year old. This is trivial compared to what many are
enduring right now on ASD. But the slightest breaze in life seem to startle me
and push me to a corner.
Maybe just getting to work today will help. I don't know.
Rosena
You sweet heart! All I have to offer is what my answer has always been
in that, or a similar, situation: "OK, so, this is what a country hick
who lacks all social graces and has the mental breadth of an 11-year-old
looks like -- proceeding. And continuing to keep on keeping on, through
all. Praying, as often as needed, that hearts will be softened and all
the *considerable* talent and expertise that I have to offer will be
accepted." In other words, when I see myself in an unflattering light,
I try not to fight it. Instead, the internal dialogue (well-practiced,
by now) goes something like this: "Well, I felt OK about myself,
generally, before I saw this and, though I didn't see it, it was there
so, since nothing has really changed, I can probably feel OK about
myself now, too, even seeing it." Sometimes it applies easily.
Sometimes it's harder.
YOU are marvelous. Literally, a marvel. You were yesterday, you will
be tomorrow, and you are today. And I bet I'd love spending an
afternoon with you if you twittered the entire time.
Best.
Kirby
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| User: "Trishamolson" |
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| Title: Re: @@ |
18 May 2004 11:49:17 AM |
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Hi Kirby,
Thank you for the sweet reply.I too think the "solution" is to keep on keeping
on. I'd like to spend an afternoon with you too!
Rosena
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| User: "Bev Thornton" |
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| Title: Re: @@ |
18 May 2004 02:24:25 AM |
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Trishamolson wrote:
cannot do this with this man, how will I do it in New York or at Oxford??
Do what? What didn't you do? Get real. No one cares how you come off as long
as you can do the job. You're in academia, there's a big allowance for
headcases.
As said, I am scared. And the work on the dissertation is overwhelming me
-- my ignorance is overwhelming me
Good. Everything is going well then.
can't think of a damn thing to do except to keep plugging away at the
work.
Uhuh.
increase just a bit of confidence and gain the appearance of a
professional again . . .
A professional professor? hahahahahaha They're all nuts.
I wish to appear urbane,
Stop wishing.
Maybe just getting to work today will help. I don't know.
That's the spirit!
--
Compute Free: <http://debian.org/> <http://minix.org/> <http://openbsd.org/>
<http://peacebrigades.org/><http://gadenrelief.org/><http://greenpeace.org/>
<http://www.icrc.org><http://icbl.org/><http://www.msf.org><http://rawa.org>
<http://greatapeproject.org><http://www.whalewatch.org><http://ecohimal.org>
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| User: "Trishamolson" |
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| Title: Re: @@ |
18 May 2004 11:54:07 AM |
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I know, I know Bev. I am not giving up, but just a bit scared. I wish I could
have some success interacting with everyday people before I have to hit Oxford
or the conference in Austin. Very big guns at the Austin conference in
particular.
Do you remember that ice cream social you went to when you were teaching and
the hard time you had trying to socialize?? I feel like you did then.
BTW, haven't forgotten about posting a saint and suicide story for you, just
haven't done it yet.
love,
me
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| User: "Bev Thornton" |
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| Title: Re: @@ |
18 May 2004 12:37:35 PM |
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Trishamolson wrote:
Do you remember that ice cream social you went to when you were teaching
and the hard time you had trying to socialize?? I feel like you did then.
That's ok, but those feelings aren't valid, eh?
BTW, haven't forgotten about posting a saint and suicide story for you,
just haven't done it yet.
I miss when someone used to post the saint-of-the-day sort of thing. Mena.
--
Compute Free: <http://debian.org/> <http://minix.org/> <http://openbsd.org/>
<http://peacebrigades.org/><http://gadenrelief.org/><http://greenpeace.org/>
<http://www.icrc.org><http://icbl.org/><http://www.msf.org><http://rawa.org>
<http://greatapeproject.org><http://www.whalewatch.org><http://ecohimal.org>
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| User: "Kirby Cook" |
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| Title: Re: @@ |
18 May 2004 12:21:21 PM |
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Trishamolson wrote:
I know, I know Bev. I am not giving up, but just a bit scared. I wish I could
have some success interacting with everyday people before I have to hit Oxford
or the conference in Austin. Very big guns at the Austin conference in
particular.
<snip>
Imagine them in their skivvies.
Kirby
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| User: "neoholistic" |
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| Title: Re: @@ |
19 May 2004 04:06:21 AM |
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x-no-archive: yes
You're living through damn hard times. I know all too well what it's
like when depression/whatever affects your capability to perform at any
reasonable level. Coupled with the (seemingly for normies) "trivial"
chores of daily life, it becomes nothing short of hell on earth.
If I had the secret recipe, I'd send it to you rolled in a bottle ;)
Meanwhile, hang in there and keep us updated.
Best whishes, Daniel.
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| User: "Trishamolson" |
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| Title: Re: @@ |
19 May 2004 07:51:46 AM |
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Thanks Daniel!
Hope your world is running somewhat smoothly.
Best
Rosena
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