So, I am in the local costume store with my daughter, and then through the
speakers where the store plays its music comes Sweet Child of Mine by Guns

Roses. He use to sing that to me . . . it was part of tragic tone of it

for of course the refrain at the end -- where do we go -- fit the

of two people who are both married trying to navigate the deep waters of

illicit union.

I didn't feel sadness exactly. Nor anger exactly. Just the overwhelming
feeling that comes when in a flash of a moment you suddenly become aware

"now" is not "then" -- in everyway, the smells, the tastes, the sights,

people, the life -- and "then" is gone. And you stop and say, "but how?"

I asleep during the train ride?" "when?! When did it go from being now,

being then?!"

Maria needs me desperately to be well and here and okay. And I am not

say that she and I must just live with demons in my life. I need to

this dissertation, teach well, care for her. But . . .I need to hear Guns

Roses too and have different, new, -- brand fresh paint new -- feelings.

want to turn my back on the gate to the graveyard and let my heart cut

again -- be moved again until it aches from the pleasure of being moved.

I started to cry tonight. I need my ex to go away.

Rosena