Having a rough rough time. I did everything I could this year to make it

better Christmas for Maria. I tried to really buy her special magical

ice skates, a first edition of Edgar Allen Poe with prints, a playstation

etc. I wrapped everything special so it wouldn't just be something to rip

Beautiful paper and satin ribbion and velevet ribbon, gold and red,

santas and all the trimmings. I talked to her about baby jesus several

and we go to Mass in a couple of hours. The tree is tall and covered in
ornaments, some from her grandmothers, some we have gotten one by one over

years. There is a fire. . . we are having a leg of lamb tomorrow and

music is on . . . and she is just being a pill.

And it is hard to cope with for this gall blader infection has be down for

count, and I am dreading surgery, I am behind in work, so so so behind,

ready to teach or for hospital and I want my own damn mama.

I miss John bad at times like this, the few memories of joy before the

I hope he is with his children and happy notwithstanding that part of me

him screaming in pain and curled up.

I hurt from the world. So little love in it it seems sometimes . . . and

try.
Pity party done.

Rosena