Confused today. Physically feeling MUCH better. Still worrying and
fretting about this July and what we will do but must be patient. Got
another application in (12 programs so far) and you'd think someone
would take me eh?
Dwelling on John off and on . . .lately I cannot fit it into any "okay"
memory. Instead, I suddenly recall something. Something small, but
icky. And I shiver from the hurt that persists. And then shake it off
and go on to next task. Like a death, I am finding it difficult to
accept we will never speak again, he will never write nor will we see
each other ever and then someday I will die. But then, I cannot think
what we would say if we did speak. A couple of years ago -- indeed up
to last year, I use to imagine there was a way past the past and that
we could muse together on some subject of interest and move on together
in some kind of relationship. Not friends. But something.
I guess I imagined some unspoken bond would carry us through life. But
there is no unspoken bond. And it is this last bit I am coming to
truly understand (which is good) and yet to feel pain over. That I
continue to suffer about him tends to make me feel pathetic. However,
Maria is a constant reminder of how important it is to buck up, and to
be present in the now, to look ahead, and to not let life roll us over.
Thank God for the responsiblity of her. It is centering.
No one is reading this long post, I bet (everyone being sick of
reference to John, which I understand). But as Nina said sometimes it
helps just to write even though the "letter" goes un-mailed -- goes
nowhere.
I need to plunge back into dissertation and transform it into an
article. All is better when I am focused and engaged in writing.
Trying to come up with a plan of attack to polish it and make
additions, but hard for so many things are foreign sources and takes
much concentration to translate. But this is laziness! Back to work
(she whips herself lightly).
And maybe tonight a movie with Maria. That would be good. One last
thing. I was able to give a few A+ s to my students for their exams
were outstanding. It really thrills me to see their minds work over
difficult concepts and to be able to engage with those ideas on a test
in a profound and moving way. That makes all worthwhile!
Okay -- to work on medieval executions and the beauty of penal pain.
Rosena
.
|
|
| User: "%" |
|
| Title: Re: @@ |
14 Jan 2005 11:47:08 AM |
|
|
"Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com> wrote in message news:1105724652.180371.293860@z14g2000cwz.googlegroups.com...
:
: Confused today. Physically feeling MUCH better. Still worrying and
: fretting about this July and what we will do but must be patient. Got
: another application in (12 programs so far) and you'd think someone
: would take me eh?
:
: Dwelling on John off and on . . .lately I cannot fit it into any "okay"
: memory. Instead, I suddenly recall something. Something small, but
: icky. And I shiver from the hurt that persists. And then shake it off
: and go on to next task. Like a death, I am finding it difficult to
: accept we will never speak again, he will never write nor will we see
: each other ever and then someday I will die. But then, I cannot think
: what we would say if we did speak. A couple of years ago -- indeed up
: to last year, I use to imagine there was a way past the past and that
: we could muse together on some subject of interest and move on together
: in some kind of relationship. Not friends. But something.
:
: I guess I imagined some unspoken bond would carry us through life. But
: there is no unspoken bond. And it is this last bit I am coming to
: truly understand (which is good) and yet to feel pain over. That I
: continue to suffer about him tends to make me feel pathetic. However,
: Maria is a constant reminder of how important it is to buck up, and to
: be present in the now, to look ahead, and to not let life roll us over.
: Thank God for the responsiblity of her. It is centering.
:
: No one is reading this long post, I bet (everyone being sick of
: reference to John, which I understand). But as Nina said sometimes it
: helps just to write even though the "letter" goes un-mailed -- goes
: nowhere.
:
: I need to plunge back into dissertation and transform it into an
: article. All is better when I am focused and engaged in writing.
: Trying to come up with a plan of attack to polish it and make
: additions, but hard for so many things are foreign sources and takes
: much concentration to translate. But this is laziness! Back to work
: (she whips herself lightly).
:
: And maybe tonight a movie with Maria. That would be good. One last
: thing. I was able to give a few A+ s to my students for their exams
: were outstanding. It really thrills me to see their minds work over
: difficult concepts and to be able to engage with those ideas on a test
: in a profound and moving way. That makes all worthwhile!
:
: Okay -- to work on medieval executions and the beauty of penal pain.
: Rosena
:
but you make 92,000 a year
.
|
|
|
|
| User: "Nina" |
|
| Title: Re: @@ |
14 Jan 2005 04:15:10 PM |
|
|
On 14 Jan 2005 09:44:12 -0800, "Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com> wrote:
I guess I imagined some unspoken bond would carry us through life. But
there is no unspoken bond. And it is this last bit I am coming to
truly understand (which is good) and yet to feel pain over. That I
continue to suffer about him tends to make me feel pathetic.
But this is a huge, huge step toward finally letting it go. I
understand this so completely... for an absurdly long time, I too
believed something like that, that there was some grand cosmic pattern
and that somehow... god, I don't know, at this point I can't even
explain what I thought. Some kind of mystical happily after ever
thing, and some part of me could not let that go. I don't know why it
is. I think there are some things, some people, that key into
something deep within us, and the relationship ultimately becomes more
about that... I don't know. It's just impossible for me to explain.
But it's gotten one hell of a lot easier since I began to see that
it's not some grand cosmic love story; it's about someone who, for
whatever reasons, treated me like *****. And there isn't some pretty
second act in which everyone gets redeemed. As long as you believe
that fantasy, there is no moving on.
No one is reading this long post, I bet (everyone being sick of
reference to John, which I understand). But as Nina said sometimes it
helps just to write even though the "letter" goes un-mailed -- goes
nowhere.
Keep writing.
Nina
_____________
"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me lay an invincible summer."
-Albert Camus
.
|
|
|
| User: "Rosena" |
|
| Title: Re: @@ |
15 Jan 2005 11:17:00 AM |
|
|
Nina wrote:
On 14 Jan 2005 09:44:12 -0800, "Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com> wrote:
I guess I imagined some unspoken bond would carry us through life.
But
there is no unspoken bond. And it is this last bit I am coming to
truly understand (which is good) and yet to feel pain over. That I
continue to suffer about him tends to make me feel pathetic.
But this is a huge, huge step toward finally letting it go. I
understand this so completely... for an absurdly long time, I too
believed something like that, that there was some grand cosmic
pattern
and that somehow... god, I don't know, at this point I can't even
explain what I thought. Some kind of mystical happily after ever
thing, and some part of me could not let that go. I don't know why
it
is. I think there are some things, some people, that key into
something deep within us, and the relationship ultimately becomes
more
about that... I don't know. It's just impossible for me to explain.
Yes, nodding to both. Some grand cosmic pattern. This may sound
really strange, but John and I got all bound up with my belief in the
Father. So, it sort of went in my head, "if there is no grand cosmic
purpose and meaning to John and I, if it was just chaotic evil abuse
and use, there is no God." But this, for me, cannot be. Finally I am
letting go of this strange (perhaps twisted) idea and returning a bit
to my faith even though it was just meaningless hell. I took communion
for the first time in 8 years on Christmas Eve. This was a big thing
for me.
And you are right. Somehow John is all bound up with things with my
parents. I feel stupid being a grown woman having issues with my
parents. But there it is. I was abandoned as a child (literally they
gave up parental rights and made me a ward of the state) and that
somehow played out again with John. I think I follow you.
But it's gotten one hell of a lot easier since I began to see that
it's not some grand cosmic love story; it's about someone who, for
whatever reasons, treated me like *****. And there isn't some pretty
second act in which everyone gets redeemed. As long as you believe
that fantasy, there is no moving on.
Nodding.
No one is reading this long post, I bet (everyone being sick of
reference to John, which I understand). But as Nina said sometimes
it
helps just to write even though the "letter" goes un-mailed -- goes
nowhere.
Rosena :)
.
|
|
|
| User: "Nina" |
|
| Title: Re: @@ |
15 Jan 2005 11:27:35 AM |
|
|
On 15 Jan 2005 09:17:00 -0800, "Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com> wrote:
Yes, nodding to both. Some grand cosmic pattern. This may sound
really strange, but John and I got all bound up with my belief in the
Father. So, it sort of went in my head, "if there is no grand cosmic
purpose and meaning to John and I, if it was just chaotic evil abuse
and use, there is no God." But this, for me, cannot be. Finally I am
letting go of this strange (perhaps twisted) idea and returning a bit
to my faith even though it was just meaningless hell. I took communion
for the first time in 8 years on Christmas Eve. This was a big thing
for me.
And you are right. Somehow John is all bound up with things with my
parents. I feel stupid being a grown woman having issues with my
parents. But there it is. I was abandoned as a child (literally they
gave up parental rights and made me a ward of the state) and that
somehow played out again with John. I think I follow you.
Michael's terrific therapist says something like, a lot of our current
behaviors are tied up in things that we felt when we were so young
that we didn't have words for them. That's probably not quite it, but
that's what I got out of it. And I think that's true... especially
for those of us with very dysfunctional parents and childhoods. It's
easy to say, I'm an adult, I should be done with this... but it simply
isn't true. Until you find a way of satisfying the things that the
neglected child needed, still needs, and doesn't have the words to ask
for, you do the same things, play the same patterns, again and again.
I see that more clearly all the time.
I suspect that what you went through... and what I went through, for
that matter, though very different... was somewhere in between
absolute meaningless crap and something with a true cosmic meaning. I
think that there were reasons why we were drawn to these situations
that, oddly, have little to do with the other people involved. There
was just something about them that keyed into our own needs, and it
happened in such a way that it was almost impossible to let go of the
whole idea of them and what they meant without losing some essential
part of our souls... for you, God, for me, some other kind of faith in
the world. But the truth... if there is one... is something more
about us and the whole course of our lives than about the men involved
or divine intervention or anything of the sort. It's here where I
kind of fizzle out because I'm just starting to grasp what I think
about this, and I can't really put it into words yet.
Nina
_____________
"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me lay an invincible summer."
-Albert Camus
.
|
|
|
|
|
|
| User: "Whiskers" |
|
| Title: Re: @@ |
14 Jan 2005 02:41:55 PM |
|
|
On 2005-01-14, Rosena <filpriros@aol.com> wrote:
snip
Okay -- to work on medieval executions and the beauty of penal pain.
Rosena
You certainly are looking for pain and suffering ;))
--
-- ^^^^^^^^^^
-- Whiskers
-- ~~~~~~~~~~
.
|
|
|
|
|
Related Articles |
|
|
