I taught criminal law and contracts II today, and pushed hard to have
good lesson plans. There is a mountain of life and work things to do,
and it has be rattled and nervous. The kinf of nervousness that can
transform me into primal wolf sniffing around to locate that
comfortable patch of ground she was knew. Alway Always promises
destruction, woe, hysteria and uttle loss of control, if I keep hunting
for that scent -- so up and down, like on a quick and jerky see-saw for
two days..
For example, unable all Saturday to do a simple lesson plan and instead
I drifted about, flinging myself to thr bed covers frequently, as I
simultaneously thought of how to keep me and Maria out of the fire and
grieved John's abscence . . . then the loud inner voice screams and
screams at me to: let go, get a grip, accept fate, etc. Finally, by 10
PM I had kicked my own ***** sufficiently to get a good lesson plan done.
Then SUnday -- I had a hair appointment, to get color, cut, sass
treatment. I need it to try to pick up my OWN scent and recall my
womanly nature. Snow starts from the sky, I cannot bear to deal with
ultra-salon stylists who sniff, igonre, or have ideas about your head
that must be tried!! But ***** . . .got in van, got scooter in and out
on my own as snown poured everywhere and made it. Smart move. I feel
ten years younger. It has a bit of dark dark blood red over my natural
dark brown which is close to black hair. Bobbed it a bit for life.
For a few moments -- an hour -- felt present, alive, ready to proceed
down that mighty yellow brick road of life. But sadness came again.
In two days Maria and I live for a visit to one of the universities
that accepted me and offered a good fellowship. I will meet many
faculty, go to reception and most important talk to man who holds purse
strings to see if Maria and I could get a bit more aid.
Thing is . . .what am I feeling . . .Maria's father does help. He
makes dinner, he shovels the snow, he goes to store, and cleans house
(where I can't) and much more. But he has no will now to on his own go
out and make a life work that is viable not just in money terms, but
socially or spiritually.
So, I am feeling as if I must direct the parade, make the big decisions
on my own, for him and for Maria. And I am. I insisted we go to
University visit for it can help with funding package. I keep ear to
ground for any permanent position can take, and little things, I insist
Maria gets a stud belt, or a Valentine's Day card, or even a late night
talk . . . I guess I am saying I feel alone without a team player to
help make decisions, think things out.
It scares me for I can play leader but I am really rather a wacked
woman so best if a nice big strong Southern man (I like the South, just
couldn't stay there) who has a mind that would most of us to shame, a
wit sharper than a Fourtheenth century courtier, would step in and say
"hey, Rosena, I'll think this through with you. Hey, I'll even help
lift furniture to a truck when you move and swat your ***** in
affection."
There is this stunning 6 4 student with a passion just tightly wound
right under the surface -- gives a bit of a yummy in tummy. I would
NEVER NEVER make the slightest inapporiate move to a student again. It
just is nice to . . .to be treated with obvious respect and a bit of
friendliness from such a quirky and handsome
young man.
But you know (no one is reading this long post I am sure) . .. maybe
until Maria and I hard landed somewhere without these yearly moves, it
is best I am not involved. All my attention has to be about rebuilding
our lives and making her safe, secure, well, happy. So -- tomorrow if
feel better like I do today (from all the hair compliments at school),
it is time to work to publish somemore, write those professional emails
that keep touch with others, and get ready for this interview/visit at
the university.
I am trying to cope with idea of old age (bad health) and eventual
death. I am afraid of it. I will be able to do it with more dignity if
1) I get Maria on right road toward her education, toward fulfilling
her gifts, toward contentment, and secure and safe and 2) if I leave a
body of published work that calls out to someone who reads it 100 years
from now. Those two things would be enough.
Rosena
P.S. I lied -- surely before I die I must also drown in the passionate
kind of intimacy with a man where "love-making" and "fucking" have
completely merged, and the boundaries between two souls and two bodies
is negated. BUT, that is cleary number 3.
.
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| User: "%" |
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| Title: Re: @@ |
07 Mar 2005 10:24:18 PM |
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"Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com> wrote in message news:1110255258.915330.37210@g14g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...
:
:
: I taught criminal law and contracts II today, and pushed hard to have
: good lesson plans. There is a mountain of life and work things to do,
: and it has be rattled and nervous. The kinf of nervousness that can
: transform me into primal wolf sniffing around to locate that
: comfortable patch of ground she was knew. Alway Always promises
: destruction, woe, hysteria and uttle loss of control, if I keep hunting
: for that scent -- so up and down, like on a quick and jerky see-saw for
: two days..
:
: For example, unable all Saturday to do a simple lesson plan and instead
: I drifted about, flinging myself to thr bed covers frequently, as I
: simultaneously thought of how to keep me and Maria out of the fire and
: grieved John's abscence . . . then the loud inner voice screams and
: screams at me to: let go, get a grip, accept fate, etc. Finally, by 10
: PM I had kicked my own ***** sufficiently to get a good lesson plan done.
:
: Then SUnday -- I had a hair appointment, to get color, cut, sass
: treatment. I need it to try to pick up my OWN scent and recall my
: womanly nature. Snow starts from the sky, I cannot bear to deal with
: ultra-salon stylists who sniff, igonre, or have ideas about your head
: that must be tried!! But ***** . . .got in van, got scooter in and out
: on my own as snown poured everywhere and made it. Smart move. I feel
: ten years younger. It has a bit of dark dark blood red over my natural
: dark brown which is close to black hair. Bobbed it a bit for life.
:
: For a few moments -- an hour -- felt present, alive, ready to proceed
: down that mighty yellow brick road of life. But sadness came again.
:
: In two days Maria and I live for a visit to one of the universities
: that accepted me and offered a good fellowship. I will meet many
: faculty, go to reception and most important talk to man who holds purse
: strings to see if Maria and I could get a bit more aid.
:
: Thing is . . .what am I feeling . . .Maria's father does help. He
: makes dinner, he shovels the snow, he goes to store, and cleans house
: (where I can't) and much more. But he has no will now to on his own go
: out and make a life work that is viable not just in money terms, but
: socially or spiritually.
:
: So, I am feeling as if I must direct the parade, make the big decisions
: on my own, for him and for Maria. And I am. I insisted we go to
: University visit for it can help with funding package. I keep ear to
: ground for any permanent position can take, and little things, I insist
: Maria gets a stud belt, or a Valentine's Day card, or even a late night
: talk . . . I guess I am saying I feel alone without a team player to
: help make decisions, think things out.
:
: It scares me for I can play leader but I am really rather a wacked
: woman so best if a nice big strong Southern man (I like the South, just
: couldn't stay there) who has a mind that would most of us to shame, a
: wit sharper than a Fourtheenth century courtier, would step in and say
: "hey, Rosena, I'll think this through with you. Hey, I'll even help
: lift furniture to a truck when you move and swat your ***** in
: affection."
:
: There is this stunning 6 4 student with a passion just tightly wound
: right under the surface -- gives a bit of a yummy in tummy. I would
: NEVER NEVER make the slightest inapporiate move to a student again. It
: just is nice to . . .to be treated with obvious respect and a bit of
: friendliness from such a quirky and handsome
: young man.
:
: But you know (no one is reading this long post I am sure) . .. maybe
: until Maria and I hard landed somewhere without these yearly moves, it
: is best I am not involved. All my attention has to be about rebuilding
: our lives and making her safe, secure, well, happy. So -- tomorrow if
: feel better like I do today (from all the hair compliments at school),
: it is time to work to publish somemore, write those professional emails
: that keep touch with others, and get ready for this interview/visit at
: the university.
:
: I am trying to cope with idea of old age (bad health) and eventual
: death. I am afraid of it. I will be able to do it with more dignity if
: 1) I get Maria on right road toward her education, toward fulfilling
: her gifts, toward contentment, and secure and safe and 2) if I leave a
: body of published work that calls out to someone who reads it 100 years
: from now. Those two things would be enough.
:
: Rosena
:
: P.S. I lied -- surely before I die I must also drown in the passionate
: kind of intimacy with a man where "love-making" and "fucking" have
: completely merged, and the boundaries between two souls and two bodies
: is negated. BUT, that is cleary number 3.
:
have you ever tried going around in the other direction ?
.
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| User: "Contrarian" |
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| Title: Re: @@ |
08 Mar 2005 12:51:02 AM |
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Rosena <filpriros@aol.com> wrote:
I taught criminal law and contracts II today, and pushed hard to have
good lesson plans.
well, you are an exceptional professor. I was in law school (for
3 3/4 year...) and if anyone had a lesson plan, I didn't notice it.
granted some of the good profs could lecture etc. on auto pilot.
ultra-salon stylists who sniff, igonre, or have ideas about your head
that must be tried!!
that must be really annoying
Thing is . . .what am I feeling . . .Maria's father does help. He
makes dinner, he shovels the snow, he goes to store, and cleans house
(where I can't) and much more. But he has no will now to on his own go
out and make a life work that is viable not just in money terms, but
socially or spiritually.
oh dear. aren't there opportunities for artists/craftsppl in university
town? not necessarily lucrative, but every bit must help.
can't do his work for him thought. looking in my list of Books Found
On-Line Lately I see a title "Art and Fear" but that's my suggestion
for myself.
NEVER NEVER make the slightest inapporiate move to a student again. It
just is nice to . . .to be treated with obvious respect and a bit of
friendliness from such a quirky and handsome
young man.
whew. * sigh of relief *
--
but the edge is still Out there. Or maybe it's In... HST (1967)
when i got to the edge , i built a deck % (2005)
.
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| User: "lisa in mass." |
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| Title: Re: @@ |
08 Mar 2005 12:57:42 AM |
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things sound better for you today. i'm glad that after a rough
saturday, that you were able to pull yourself through it.
-lisa
.
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