It is Sunday, and I think I am beginning to settle back into reality. I
am not sure what I mean when I say that. But I have a better sense of
time passed -- the years -- when I fall away from my acceptance of
things with John and the impossiblity of ever coming to terms with it,
(so best to put on it away in my mind and move on) I lose sense of
time. All seems as immediate as it was eight years ago.
The drug store gave me zyprexa to hold me til Tuesday. I am suppose to
fly to do conference on Thursday.
I don't know why that mini surgery through me for such a loop and i
choose to write John. Although things people said here were on target,
it seems.
I do not like myself much right now. Feel beaten. Humiliated. My
father was an evil evil man and my mother would make excuses for him,
and refuse to see him for what he was and stand at the window crying
waiting for him and it made me sick to my stomach. I am doing the same
thing. And I am making myself sick to my stomach.
Got to come out of this recent spin a bit at a time (or I slip like
quick sand even deeper). John will most likey snub me by not emailing
or writing something terribly haughty and smug. I have to stell myself
and not let my hysteria (I think Freudian hysteria) take over,
indignation that the one who kicked my ***** can be indifferent, and
proceed with daily tasks and MOVE the ***** ON. It is irrational for my
feelings to get so hurt when he has always been cruel. Really sicken
myself. Going to get desk straight and try to work.
Rosena
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| User: "Nom dePlume nomdeplume1000-at-yahoo.com" |
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| Title: Re: @@ |
04 Apr 2005 12:06:23 AM |
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"Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com> wrote in message
news:1112550152.250786.274610@o13g2000cwo.googlegroups.com...
I do not like myself much right now. Feel beaten. Humiliated. My
father was an evil evil man and my mother would make excuses for
him,
and refuse to see him for what he was and stand at the window crying
waiting for him and it made me sick to my stomach. I am doing the
same
thing. And I am making myself sick to my stomach.
I think you are a good woman.
--
Nom dePlume, Ph.D
Why, yes, in fact, I am a rocket scientist.
Guide to Medications for Mental Illness:
http://www.geocities.com/nomdeplume1000
=====
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| User: "" |
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| Title: Re: @@ |
03 Apr 2005 03:12:43 PM |
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(((hi))) I will be rooting for you to make it through,
I know I shouldn't presume to understand the dynamic here or
motives.,Having said that, this feeling between you and John it's like
a fire best left alone is it not. It sounds like it would consume you
both if you gave yourselves to it, maybe he sees that more clearly ,
or he is just the narrcissist here, anyway I think ultimately whatever
his motive ,,,, you are better off, safer far away from him,, best
to you. jill
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| User: "" |
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| Title: Re: @@ |
03 Apr 2005 02:39:48 PM |
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On 3 Apr 2005 10:42:32 -0700, "Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com> wrote:
<(((*> I do not like myself much right now. Feel beaten. Humiliated. My
<(((*> father was an evil evil man and my mother would make excuses for him,
<(((*> and refuse to see him for what he was and stand at the window crying
<(((*> waiting for him and it made me sick to my stomach. I am doing the same
<(((*> thing. And I am making myself sick to my stomach.
I like you, a LOT.
You are a far, far better person than your parents added together
and multiplied by infinity.
You didn't deserve to be hurt and humiliated then, by the people
who were supposed to be taking care of you. And you don't need to
hurt yourself now, in their absence.
You work so hard to be a good mother to Maria. You care so much
for her, and do so many kind and loving things for her.
See yourself for the wonderful person that you are.
Tara J. Ballance
Montreal, Canada
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| User: "Contrarian" |
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| Title: Re: @@ |
04 Apr 2005 02:25:27 AM |
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Rosena <filpriros@aol.com> wrote:
It is Sunday, and I think I am beginning to settle back into reality. I
Good.
I don't know why that mini surgery through me for such a loop
It does that to ppl, R! Just accept that! Another big job (in
Ye Olde MVS term) in your system. Hmm, maybe I could think of
a partitioning analogy. Nope.
waiting for him and it made me sick to my stomach. I am doing the same
thing. And I am making myself sick to my stomach.
No you are sick to your stomach but you see things as they are,
just read your recent posts, am I ever thankful that you do bc
the world has just gotten so much more crazy.
quick sand even deeper). John will most likey snub me by not emailing
or writing something terribly haughty and smug.
Oh, e-mail. Can you block his address?
Dearest R., wish I had more comfort.
--
but the edge is still Out there. Or maybe it's In... HST (1967)
when i got to the edge , i built a deck % (2005)
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