Very very very sick mentally right now. Trying to hide it from Maria.
I was doing much better until I got email this morning from friend who
John wrote. He said that out of concern for my welfare he was not
writing me and that he did care . . . it just threw me completely into
into . . . an abyss.
I did teach. I did decide to do nothing rash (which for me is a big
thing). I am going to try to just push through and forget it, let
things be, etc. etc.
This - whatever this is -- is driving me completely completely over the
edge. I don't know. What is it????? Is it about herchoosing my abusing
father over me?? Is it about her cutting me from her will?? Is it
about my father raping my mom, me, whoever?? Is it about years on the
streets and things I can't talk about here??? Is it about everything
BUT John? Not John?
I need a doctor. But I can't do it now. And you can't get in anyway.
And truth is I need Mother Mary, not a doctor. And she refuses to
appear. Or I am blind.
Everyone knows what he wrote my friend is ***** right?? Please
someone say they know it is *****. gas lighting. He gas lights
people about me. *****. All I can control here is me, my actions, not
other people.
Let it be Rosena! Don't do something stupid. Don't. Get off of
yourself. Think of Maria. Think of a future. Think. Think. don't just
react like a 2 year old . . . . .
Rosena
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| User: "solidac" |
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| Title: Re: ** |
11 Apr 2005 07:33:22 PM |
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"Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com> wrote in message
news:1113259118.347012.211040@g14g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...
Very very very sick mentally right now. Trying to hide it from Maria.
I was doing much better until I got email this morning from friend who
John wrote. He said that out of concern for my welfare he was not
writing me and that he did care . . . it just threw me completely into
into . . . an abyss.
I did teach. I did decide to do nothing rash (which for me is a big
thing). I am going to try to just push through and forget it, let
things be, etc. etc.
This - whatever this is -- is driving me completely completely over the
edge. I don't know. What is it????? Is it about herchoosing my abusing
father over me?? Is it about her cutting me from her will?? Is it
about my father raping my mom, me, whoever?? Is it about years on the
streets and things I can't talk about here??? Is it about everything
BUT John? Not John?
I need a doctor. But I can't do it now. And you can't get in anyway.
And truth is I need Mother Mary, not a doctor. And she refuses to
appear. Or I am blind.
Everyone knows what he wrote my friend is ***** right?? Please
someone say they know it is *****. gas lighting. He gas lights
people about me. *****. All I can control here is me, my actions, not
other people.
Let it be Rosena! Don't do something stupid. Don't. Get off of
yourself. Think of Maria. Think of a future. Think. Think. don't just
react like a 2 year old . . . . .
Rosena
hey Rosena
i don't know your circumstance too well, but it seems to me that you are
trying to change things you can't. And even if you could, would that change
the present a great deal? Maybe the prob is actually more that - you are not
letting go. What other ppl say or do isn't something you can control. What
you say or do is. If you let go of the past, it looses it's power over you.
Live and plan for the present and the future looks after itself to a large
degree. As for the past, well - it just quietly buries itself (which it
should, coz it's gone)
fwiw
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| User: "Rosena" |
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| Title: Re: ** |
11 Apr 2005 08:00:46 PM |
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These things you say Solidac, I am chanting to myself right now. I was
fine for a year, and then fell off the wagon like one who should not
take a drink. I am a bit steadier than a couple of hours ago. . .I
have to force myself to see clear in the way you suggest, Nina has, Kim
has, Jean has, Rhino has, Cindi has, so many great women here have . .
..
***** I am humilitated.
R.
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| User: "packrat" |
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| Title: Re: ** |
11 Apr 2005 08:28:38 PM |
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*snip*
***** I am humilitated.
R.
You're surviving, which is far from humiliation. It takes a lot to survive
some days, at least for me.
Cut yourself some slack. You would if it were anyone else and they were in
your shoes.
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| User: "Patience" |
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| Title: Re: ** |
12 Apr 2005 12:28:57 AM |
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Do not feel humiliated, Rosenna. We seem to be be a pretty caring lot.
When I read your post, the following were my feelings:
1)Understanding. Pyschological distress equals pain.
2)Shock. So much more horror than I would have thought.
3)Confusion, because this is the point where I pet your back, or wipe
your brow, or nod as you cry, so that you know it is o.k. to cry, and
o.k. to feel pain, and that I am here to listen and support you, yet I
can do none of these things because all I have is a computer monitor to
look at.
3)More confusion, becuase I do not know the circumstances of your life.
4)Must post, offering helpful words.
But I am at a loss for words, because I know so little about you. And
you might not appreciate me - someone who doesn't know you- butting
in... But I am so worried about you. I am so worried.
No, not humiliation, Rosenna. Not here.
Please take good care of yourself,
Patience
P.S. I know you have a tough side, Rosenna, becuase you teach (and you
fight hard). And if you want to FEEL tough, Patience will share
something about himself: He envies you a little, because in your
ability to teach, you are strong where he is weak.
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| User: "scaredkitty" |
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| Title: Re: ** |
12 Apr 2005 01:52:47 AM |
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"Patience" <christopher@ak.net> wrote in message
news:1113283737.389035.216480@l41g2000cwc.googlegroups.com...
Do not feel humiliated, Rosenna. We seem to be be a pretty caring lot.
When I read your post, the following were my feelings:
1)Understanding. Pyschological distress equals pain.
2)Shock. So much more horror than I would have thought.
3)Confusion, because this is the point where I pet your back, or wipe
your brow, or nod as you cry, so that you know it is o.k. to cry, and
o.k. to feel pain, and that I am here to listen and support you, yet I
can do none of these things because all I have is a computer monitor to
look at.
3)More confusion, becuase I do not know the circumstances of your life.
4)Must post, offering helpful words.
But I am at a loss for words, because I know so little about you. And
you might not appreciate me - someone who doesn't know you- butting
in... But I am so worried about you. I am so worried.
No, not humiliation, Rosenna. Not here.
Please take good care of yourself,
Patience
P.S. I know you have a tough side, Rosenna, becuase you teach (and you
fight hard). And if you want to FEEL tough, Patience will share
something about himself: He envies you a little, because in your
ability to teach, you are strong where he is weak.
Rosena, I too know little about you-just a few bits of recent history
since I've been on asd-off & on. But sometimes I just ache for you. I've
never replied to any of your posts because anything I think of to say sounds
so trite. But even feeling your pain and sometimes dispair, I still sense
strength coming from you
I think maybe when you feel at your lowest depths, you do forget your
strengths. Again it sounds trite--when I'm in my deepest hole, I can't
remember any strength,hope,nothing. Sometimes it will pass quickly,
sometimes more slowly, somes never.
But please, please crawl out even a little bit now, and look up out of
the hole--there are people here who care
Take care VERY good care of yourself Rosena-you do deserve it you know
k
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| User: "Alan Harding" |
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| Title: Re: ** |
12 Apr 2005 02:01:30 PM |
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In message <1113267646.848377.137720@g14g2000cwa.googlegroups.com>,
Rosena <filpriros@aol.com> writes
These things you say Solidac, I am chanting to myself right now. I was
fine for a year, and then fell off the wagon like one who should not
take a drink. I am a bit steadier than a couple of hours ago. . .I
have to force myself to see clear in the way you suggest, Nina has, Kim
has, Jean has, Rhino has, Cindi has, so many great women here have . .
Do you set out to annoy people, or is it an unconscious skill? I have no
idea what the other men in asd who've tried to help you think, but I'm
getting *****.
--
The opinions given above may be mine. They might also
just be what I feel like saying right now, okay?
.
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| User: "Rosena" |
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| Title: Re: ** -SO SORRY |
12 Apr 2005 02:11:32 PM |
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Alan!!
It didn't come out right. I pay attention to all your replies. And of
course ASD men have been most kind and trying to help. When I wrote
reply mind just on last few replies I had read which were mostly from
women. I really really did not mean to ignore you or any ASD men. I
apologize
Rosena
Alan Harding wrote:
In message <1113267646.848377.137720@g14g2000cwa.googlegroups.com>,
Rosena <filpriros@aol.com> writes
These things you say Solidac, I am chanting to myself right now. I
was
fine for a year, and then fell off the wagon like one who should not
take a drink. I am a bit steadier than a couple of hours ago. . .I
have to force myself to see clear in the way you suggest, Nina has,
Kim
has, Jean has, Rhino has, Cindi has, so many great women here have .
..
Do you set out to annoy people, or is it an unconscious skill? I have
no
idea what the other men in asd who've tried to help you think, but
I'm
getting *****.
--
The opinions given above may be mine. They might also
just be what I feel like saying right now, okay?
.
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| User: "Rhiannon" |
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| Title: Re: ** - Sorry - LONG REPLY |
12 Apr 2005 03:26:46 AM |
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Hi Sweetie :)
"Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com> wrote in message
news:1113259118.347012.211040@g14g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...
Very very very sick mentally right now. Trying to hide it from Maria.
I was doing much better until I got email this morning from friend who
John wrote. He said that out of concern for my welfare he was not
writing me and that he did care . . . it just threw me completely into
into . . . an abyss.
<cough>
I did teach. I did decide to do nothing rash (which for me is a big
thing). I am going to try to just push through and forget it, let
things be, etc. etc.
That was smart. And strong. Give yourself some credit.
This - whatever this is -- is driving me completely completely over the
edge. I don't know. What is it????? Is it about herchoosing my abusing
father over me??
Yes.
Is it about her cutting me from her will??
Yes.
Is it about my father raping my mom, me, whoever??
YES.
Is it about years on the streets and things I can't talk about here???
I am fairly sure my guess is right on and the answer again is - YES.
Is it about everything BUT John? Not John?
YES. And this shows promise. You're right. I don't think it's about John.
Well - I think some of it is about John the "abuser" but not John the man.
Even if Jesus himself were to come down from heaven lay his hands on John's
head, and heal him of all his cruel, abusive, pathological, psychotic, but
oh so charming ways, and he emailed you tomorrow, and said, "I'm healed.
Let's do it. Let's try again." It would fail. Because you would still be
dealing, or more to the point, NOT dealing with all the stuff above, and it
would, and will continue to taint every relationship you have with a man
until you get medical help, and work through it. But then, we both know
that Jesus isn't healing him anytime soon, and no matter how much he
"claims" to care he is still an abuser, and any relationship with him with
be abusive. You know how it works. You watched your mother live through
the same thing. You said in a post not long ago that you remember your
mother standing at the window, crying as she waited for your father to come
home, and how it saddened yet disgusted you. Rosena - my dear sweet
friend - is sitting at a computer tearing your own heart out waiting for
this man to send you an email any different than what your mother was doing?
And NO this doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you an ill person.
There is no shame in that. Given the life you have led it is nothing less
than a miracle that you are alive, but you are, and that MUST mean
something. You are a woman of faith. Don't you believe you have survived
because God has a higher purpose for you? And if so what is he thinking
right now? I bet he is thinking you deserve a whole lot more than what you
are willing to settle for. You don't have to repeat the mistakes of the
past. You can end the cycle that your parents began. But you cannot do it
with John. Or any other man for that matter. Not yet. Not until you have
dealt with and healed these childhood wounds will you be ready for a
relationship.
Wanna know what I think? And I could be completely off base on this, and
forgive if I am wrong, but here goes nothing. You associate love and men
with pain, and betrayal, and abandonment because that is what your parents
taught you. You associate romantic love with abuse. You grew up in a
household full of cruelty and fear which gave birth to a profound loathing.
For them and yourself. Your life experiences - whether you told or I
guessed - did little else other then to reinforce your own self-loathing.
Somewhere in all of that a fundamental part of who you were was lost and you
grew into a woman who expects to be hurt, and abused, and used, and
discarded. Almost as if it has never even occured to you that you deserve
so much more.
You choose abusive men because they love you in a way that is familiar -
horrible - but familiar. Even comfortable. You choose abusive men because
they reinforce what you know, and what you expect. You choose abusive men
because it validates your feelings of self-loathing. They make it okay to
keep hating yourself, and you need them to because you have been doing it
all your life, and who would you be without it? And in the end - after you
leave them or they leave you - you once again have permission to look at
yourself in a mirror, and play those negative tapes that have become so much
a part of who you are you can no longer seperate them from you.
Sound bleak? Not a chance. Look at you! In spite of it all you are still
here. Fighting with everything you are worth. You had horrendous parental
models, and more pain than any child should have to endure, yet you are a
wonderful, and loving mother. You are a brilliant educator who touches the
lives of God knows how many students throughout the course of the day. No
one person in an entire lifetime can ever quite compare to those who teach
us. You are a beautiful, passionate, high-spirited, strong, and generous
woman who has opened her life, and her home to several people over the years
without hesitation. You are surrounded by an amazing spirituality that
spurs you to read the Saints with an ardor that is very rare these days.
And here - in the group - no matter how badly you may be feeling you always
try your best to convey your empathy, or post a note of encouragement,
inspiring me to hang in there countless times.
I need a doctor. But I can't do it now. And you can't get in anyway. And
truth is I need Mother Mary, not a doctor. > And she refuses to appear. Or I
am blind.
You are NOT defined by what was done to you. There is so much more to you,
and you can break free. Change those tapes. Turn it around. But you need
help. And I think you need it now. I am strongly urging you not to put off
the hunt for a new doctor. Do it now. If you tell them it is urgent they
will see you sooner. But do it now. Your mental health, perhaps even your
life is far more important than anything else. I am sure you can find a way
to work it in and around your school schedule. It is the same advice you
have given others on several occasions. Now you have to take it. :) With
the right medical intervention I know you can do this. You have already
proven yourself a survivor. Now it is time to heal.
--
rhianon@sympatico.ca
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| User: "Used2be" |
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| Title: Re: ** - Sorry - LONG REPLY |
12 Apr 2005 03:28:50 PM |
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"Rhiannon" <rhianon@sympatico.ca> wrote
<snip amazing insight>
that was some great stuff, rhee! i sure hope rosena read it!!!
~u2b *impressed*
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| User: "Rhiannon" |
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| Title: Re: ** - Sorry - LONG REPLY |
13 Apr 2005 12:21:19 PM |
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"Used2be" <used2be@nowhere.com> wrote in message
news:6cW6e.20145$Xp.19124@tornado.texas.rr.com...
"Rhiannon" <rhianon@sympatico.ca> wrote
<snip amazing insight>
that was some great stuff, rhee! i sure hope rosena read it!!!
~u2b *impressed*
:)
Ordinarily I am reluctant to psychoanalyze anyone. I am not qualified, and
I think it can be dangerous. This, was, well, this was different in that I
felt I could relate to what she is going through. Having known Rosena for
few years now, and having come from a very similar childhood, with many of
the same issues, which led me to make a lot of the same wrong choices in my
life, I felt that what I had learned over the years might help her as well.
The proverbial "they" have been shrinking my head going on ten years now.
When I finally *got it*, finally understood what I was doing and why, and
was taught the skills to do things differently, it changed my life. For the
first time in my life, I felt free. Like an enormous weight had been lifted
off my shoulders. The therapy I get now is mostly just maintenance, and
drug monitoring, but it's always there if I need it. I thought sharing what
I learned might give Rosena some clarity. Of course, I also urged her to
seek therapy because I believe it is critical to her situation now. Thank
you for the vote of confidence. I was a little afraid I may have said too
much, or over stepped the boundaries.
--
rhianon@sympatico.ca
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| User: "Rosena" |
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| Title: Re: ** - Sorry - LONG REPLY |
13 Apr 2005 12:33:50 PM |
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You never over step bounds - I read intently - saw wisdom - thanks
Rosena :)
Rhiannon wrote:
"Used2be" <used2be@nowhere.com> wrote in message
news:6cW6e.20145$Xp.19124@tornado.texas.rr.com...
"Rhiannon" <rhianon@sympatico.ca> wrote
<snip amazing insight>
that was some great stuff, rhee! i sure hope rosena read it!!!
~u2b *impressed*
:)
Ordinarily I am reluctant to psychoanalyze anyone. I am not
qualified, and
I think it can be dangerous. This, was, well, this was different in
that I
felt I could relate to what she is going through. Having known
Rosena for
few years now, and having come from a very similar childhood, with
many of
the same issues, which led me to make a lot of the same wrong choices
in my
life, I felt that what I had learned over the years might help her as
well.
The proverbial "they" have been shrinking my head going on ten years
now.
When I finally *got it*, finally understood what I was doing and why,
and
was taught the skills to do things differently, it changed my life.
For the
first time in my life, I felt free. Like an enormous weight had been
lifted
off my shoulders. The therapy I get now is mostly just maintenance,
and
drug monitoring, but it's always there if I need it. I thought
sharing what
I learned might give Rosena some clarity. Of course, I also urged
her to
seek therapy because I believe it is critical to her situation now.
Thank
you for the vote of confidence. I was a little afraid I may have
said too
much, or over stepped the boundaries.
--
rhianon@sympatico.ca
.
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| User: "Rhiannon" |
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| Title: Re: ** - Sorry - LONG REPLY |
13 Apr 2005 07:54:18 PM |
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"Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com> wrote in message
news:1113413630.604730.294890@z14g2000cwz.googlegroups.com...
You never over step bounds - I read intently - saw wisdom - thanks
I feel better knowing that :) You are doing a great job of things. You
should be proud of that. Given all on your plate at the moment, your
strength and determination are inspiring.
--
rhianon@sympatico.ca
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| User: "% . surfs@uniserve" |
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| Title: Re: ** - Sorry - LONG REPLY |
13 Apr 2005 07:46:26 PM |
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but its still a good day
: --
:
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