But to stand - alone - with no one who
sees in to your hell, and to go at it alone through fire and under
attack by demon's arrows - that is unbearable.
Rosena

Where weak in will, befuddled, spinning from what needs to be done and
physically failing -- that place that leads me to seek escape.
I will not say what is going on physically for it is so much that it
would bore and agitate a reader. It bores and agitates me.

Suffice to say, operation helped heart, but not legs. Indeed, and
oddly, in more pain now than before . . .so still no walking for me.
And several other things are going wrong.

Where weak in will, befuddled, spinning from what needs to be done and
physically failing -- that place that leads me to seek escape.
I will not say what is going on physically for it is so much that it
would bore and agitate a reader. It bores and agitates me.

Suffice to say, operation helped heart, but not legs. Indeed, and
oddly, in more pain now than before . . .so still no walking for me.
And several other things are going wrong.

I came across old writings between John and I where I had written
questions for him regarding a text of Hedigger, he answered each
question and then I responded under that answer suggesting another
thought, directing him away from an idea or confirming. It is a long
dialogue - several typed and hand written pages. I was very excited to
find in Birmingham this incredible hungry - starved - fine mind that
was obessed as I was with trying to discern Being, and the "isness" of
being in the world. Obessed with trying to understand how bread is
transformed to flesh, and blood to wine,

what virtues pertained to
manhood, what truly reflected profound thinking . . .

I don't know how to let go. Oh gawd, I know people will disrespect me
for this, it will sound haughty and prideful. But I don't know how to
go on in this world, within this universe, without that kindred who
shares . . . I do not know what to say. it is this: To stand in the
universe screaming and schreeching for God to show dare show his face
and justify himself in this world of torment, decay, and darkness, is
bearable when another understands in the blink of an eye the details
and nuances of one's agony. But to stand - alone - with no one who
sees in to your hell, and to go at it alone through fire and under
attack by demon's arrows - that is unbearable.

I need to learn to be satisfied with Friday barbecues in the backyard,
chat about housing prices, marriage without constant passion, Tom
Cruise movies, I don't know . . .this ceaseless question of Why Are we
Here is not the trouble, though it torments. It is to be left to ask
it alone.

Rosena

I came across old writings between J*** and ****