| Topic: |
Sociology > Depression |
| User: |
"" |
| Date: |
08 May 2006 11:24:39 AM |
| Object: |
@ Continuing Madness Question @ |
So Maria and I went to medieval conference. I was acutely aware while
there that John had been there day before and I kept imagining him in
his environ. I know how he is. Confident, joing, laughing, but not
loud. Glib and quick on seemingly studied remark. The perfect sexy
astute seemingly profound witty professor.
I would not have felt this, I think, except for my own troubles. I
could not approach a single person I saw that I knew. Not a single
one. I was terrified. I feel embarrassed to exist. Twice people came
up to me that barely know me and were friendly and I quickly exchanged
pleasant remarks and moved on. This "problem" is getting worse as time
goes on rather than better. I saw my professor whom I should of said hi
to at least and just couldn't.
I was not like this prior to John. I have always been a bit shy but I
blustered through. Indeed, I excuded confidence and gaity. I loved to
partake of conversation and really was outgoing and friendly. I was not
embarrased to exist. I put together conferences, went constantly,
engaged in a real way with peers . . .
This can't go on like this for two related reasons. First, mental
health wise, I will never never let go of John haunting me, never
"recover" until I acquire some confidence and stop feeling as if people
are staring at me as a cripple old woman who looks used up. Second, to
perform professionally, I have to . . .have a different persona, indeed
I have to fight age discrimination.
But I am just not at that place where I can put on the crisp suit and
make my hair shiny and appear "together" - I don't feel "together" - I
feel lost. Very depressed. Very.
Rosena
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| User: "cal" |
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| Title: Re: @ Continuing Madness Question @ |
08 May 2006 11:56:53 AM |
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<RosenaBrunetti@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:1147105479.065072.54910@y43g2000cwc.googlegroups.com...
This can't go on like this for two related reasons. First, mental
health wise, I will never never let go of John haunting me, never
"recover" until I acquire some confidence
i think you've got it backwards: first you have to let go of john, and then
your confidence in yourself will return.
and stop feeling as if people
are staring at me as a cripple old woman who looks used up. Second, to
perform professionally, I have to . . .have a different persona, indeed
I have to fight age discrimination.
cruel, isn't it, how early in life we have to start doing that. and we can't
really say much about it, because of course it doesn't exist. it's all in
our heads, right? sure it is.
.
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| User: "" |
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| Title: Re: @ Continuing Madness Question @ |
08 May 2006 12:05:34 PM |
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cal wrote:
<RosenaBrunetti@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:1147105479.065072.54910@y43g2000cwc.googlegroups.com...
This can't go on like this for two related reasons. First, mental
health wise, I will never never let go of John haunting me, never
"recover" until I acquire some confidence
i think you've got it backwards: first you have to let go of john, and then
your confidence in yourself will return.
Hi Cal,
actually I was hoping you'd reply for you have an eveness about you
that is a nice reality check :) I understand your point. I put it the
way I did for I have noticed over the years that the more confidence I
have, the less I dwell on the devil (john). When "weak" is when I am
the most likely to feel weaker if that makes sense.
and stop feeling as if people
are staring at me as a cripple old woman who looks used up. Second, to
perform professionally, I have to . . .have a different persona, indeed
I have to fight age discrimination.
cruel, isn't it, how early in life we have to start doing that. and we can't
really say much about it, because of course it doesn't exist. it's all in
our heads, right? sure it is.
Do you experience this? The kids here in grad school are quite young -
around 23. And I am in this odd position of being a professor who
returned to school so I do not know who I am anymore. I am not going
to lick my wounds. Just keep trying to . . . fly I suppose. Sometimes
I am my worse enemy.
How are you? Asked in real way. I liked the post you wrote about
having a relationship but not having to keep house together. I tend to
feel this way too. Actually, it seems it could be much more
gratifying.
Best
Rosena
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