| Topic: |
Sociology > Depression |
| User: |
"Rosena" |
| Date: |
29 Oct 2005 10:25:48 PM |
| Object: |
@ Got to Do Something @ |
Not just post here and say it, but do it. My focus is on Maria and that
is as it should be. And on trying to rebuild professional life and get
position in order to provide for her and also feed my mind's cravings.
I am doing that. BUT - and it is an important BUT:
at some point I have to do those kind of things that are directed at
finding happiness. It has been so so many years since I felt glee, and
boy when I am gleeful it is like a big white cloud of noise and
silliness, I float. And I haven't floated for years . . .
I don't know what to do exactly, what small concrete step to take. But
it is as if I curled up in the graveyard for ten years waiting for the
dead to revive and warm my shivering soul. And even when not waiting,
just being more secure clinging to the grave stone. I have to walk out
of the graveyard - even though it has provided familiarity, even though
I feel disloyal to the past doing it, even though I am exhausted and
have not a clue which way to walk (wheel) once outside.
I don't want to die without floating again.
Rosena
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| User: "Nom dePlume nomdeplume1000-at-yahoo.com" |
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| Title: Re: @ Got to Do Something @ |
29 Oct 2005 10:38:15 PM |
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Rosena, many people have suggested things that you might do, but if my
admittedly imperfect memory is accurate, you appreciate suggestions
for short-term fixes and coping strategies, but generally ignore the
rest. So let me turn the question around for you: Are you going to do
that this time around, or is there some reason you can give us to make
us think you are serious about doing what it takes to change your
life, permanently, for the better? I would love to be able to help
you, but if you aren't really interested, I'd rather spend the time on
something else.
I'm sorry if this sounds cross, but while I genuinely like you, I also
find you exasperating at times.
--
Nom dePlume, Ph.D.
Why, yes, in fact, I am a rocket scientist.
Guide to Medications for Mental Illness:
http://www.geocities.com/nomdeplume1000/
=====
"Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com> wrote in message
news:1130642748.716008.299120@f14g2000cwb.googlegroups.com...
Not just post here and say it, but do it. My focus is on Maria and
that
is as it should be. And on trying to rebuild professional life and
get
position in order to provide for her and also feed my mind's
cravings.
I am doing that. BUT - and it is an important BUT:
at some point I have to do those kind of things that are directed at
finding happiness. It has been so so many years since I felt glee,
and
boy when I am gleeful it is like a big white cloud of noise and
silliness, I float. And I haven't floated for years . . .
I don't know what to do exactly, what small concrete step to take.
But
it is as if I curled up in the graveyard for ten years waiting for
the
dead to revive and warm my shivering soul. And even when not
waiting,
just being more secure clinging to the grave stone. I have to walk
out
of the graveyard - even though it has provided familiarity, even
though
I feel disloyal to the past doing it, even though I am exhausted and
have not a clue which way to walk (wheel) once outside.
I don't want to die without floating again.
Rosena
.
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| User: "Rosena" |
|
| Title: Re: @ Got to Do Something @ |
29 Oct 2005 11:50:01 PM |
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I am not sure what is frustrating you. Maria is in partial care. We are
both in therapy. I am going to have meds re-evaluated next week (for
myself). But Nom, this is not all about "illness" and "treatment."
Yes, therapy may help, it has just started and we will see. (only two
weeks in).
But I also have to do some life things that are about recalling the
light and frivolous - it is that I am missing right now.
Most suggestions in ASD I take and act on Maria is a prime example, and
I acted quickly so she now has a shrink, a therapist, a case manager, a
group therapy leader, an social service watch dog for her not cutting,
and a mom really desperate to do right by her. What exactly have I
missed? Oh yes, and I check her arms and legs every night.
All I can do treatment wise for myself is go to therapy, be honest, and
get meds re-evaluated. Aside from all this - there just has to be
change in small ways in rountine and big ways in liviing arrangments.
But I can't raise Maria on 266.00 a month and that is what I have once
rent is paid. On other hand, I take a job in another state and we are
right back to moving Maria. Point is, not simple things here.
BUT - what I am moaning about right now is FLOATING - AIR - WATER
pouring down from a waterfall on your head - KISSING - GIGGLES - yes???
This is about some kind of life changes and will not just be resolved
by treatment.
Best
Rosena
.
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| User: "Rhiannon" |
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| Title: Re: @ Got to Do Something @ |
30 Oct 2005 12:25:37 AM |
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"Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com> wrote in message
news:1130647801.494803.140360@g44g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...
<snipped>
BUT - what I am moaning about right now is FLOATING - AIR - WATER
pouring down from a waterfall on your head - KISSING - GIGGLES - yes???
This is about some kind of life changes and will not just be resolved
by treatment.
Best
Rosena
From one woman to another - I understand. You want to be female. Not just
a patient. Not just a mother. Not just a professor. But also a woman.
You want to be Rosena. You desire a friend. A companion. A lover. You
want to smell the musky scent of a man rising up off of warm skin. Someone
to say you are beautiful. Desirable. Special. Worthwhile. The deep
timber of his voice in your ear that raises the fine hair on your arms. You
are a passionate woman. Of course you want these things. And you will get
there. But in smaller steps than you might imagine or hope for. The "Got
to Do Something" in order for you to get there is exactly what you are
already doing right now. Medication, therapy, new focus, your changed, yet
strengthening relationship with your daughter, all of these things will
begin to open all of these other doors you so tentatively tap on now. Your
day will come. But you cannot get too far ahead of yourself. One thing at
time. One day at a time. One step at a time. There is A LOT of life and
love and passion and womanhood left in you my dear friend. You will float
again. I believe in that.
--
Rhiannon
rhianon@sympatico.ca
The Labyrinth
http://thelabyrinthofr.blogspot.com
.
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| User: "%" |
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| Title: Re: @ Got to Do Something @ |
29 Oct 2005 11:32:20 PM |
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"Rhiannon" <rhianon@sympatico.ca> wrote in message
news:TPY8f.14993$Nj3.1461994@news20.bellglobal.com...
"Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com> wrote in message
news:1130647801.494803.140360@g44g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...
<snipped>
BUT - what I am moaning about right now is FLOATING - AIR - WATER
pouring down from a waterfall on your head - KISSING - GIGGLES - yes???
This is about some kind of life changes and will not just be resolved
by treatment.
Best
Rosena
From one woman to another - I understand. You want to be female. Not
just
a patient. Not just a mother. Not just a professor. But also a woman.
You want to be Rosena. You desire a friend. A companion. A lover. You
want to smell the musky scent of a man rising up off of warm skin.
Someone
to say you are beautiful. Desirable. Special. Worthwhile. The deep
timber of his voice in your ear that raises the fine hair on your arms.
You
are a passionate woman. Of course you want these things. And you will
get
there. But in smaller steps than you might imagine or hope for. The "Got
to Do Something" in order for you to get there is exactly what you are
already doing right now. Medication, therapy, new focus, your changed,
yet
strengthening relationship with your daughter, all of these things will
begin to open all of these other doors you so tentatively tap on now.
Your
day will come. But you cannot get too far ahead of yourself. One thing
at
time. One day at a time. One step at a time. There is A LOT of life and
love and passion and womanhood left in you my dear friend. You will float
again. I believe in that.
--
Rhiannon
rhianon@sympatico.ca
The Labyrinth
http://thelabyrinthofr.blogspot.com
towel time
.
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| User: "Rhiannon" |
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| Title: Re: @ Got to Do Something @ |
30 Oct 2005 09:03:02 AM |
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"%" <persent@Gmail.com> wrote in message news:dk1lrc$a92$1@sadr.dfn.de...
"Rhiannon" <rhianon@sympatico.ca> wrote in message
news:TPY8f.14993$Nj3.1461994@news20.bellglobal.com...
"Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com> wrote in message
news:1130647801.494803.140360@g44g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...
<snipped>
BUT - what I am moaning about right now is FLOATING - AIR - WATER
pouring down from a waterfall on your head - KISSING - GIGGLES -
yes???
This is about some kind of life changes and will not just be resolved
by treatment.
Best
Rosena
From one woman to another - I understand. You want to be female. Not
just
a patient. Not just a mother. Not just a professor. But also a woman.
You want to be Rosena. You desire a friend. A companion. A lover.
You
want to smell the musky scent of a man rising up off of warm skin.
Someone
to say you are beautiful. Desirable. Special. Worthwhile. The deep
timber of his voice in your ear that raises the fine hair on your arms.
You
are a passionate woman. Of course you want these things. And you will
get
there. But in smaller steps than you might imagine or hope for. The
"Got
to Do Something" in order for you to get there is exactly what you are
already doing right now. Medication, therapy, new focus, your changed,
yet
strengthening relationship with your daughter, all of these things will
begin to open all of these other doors you so tentatively tap on now.
Your
day will come. But you cannot get too far ahead of yourself. One thing
at
time. One day at a time. One step at a time. There is A LOT of life
and
love and passion and womanhood left in you my dear friend. You will
float
again. I believe in that.
--
Rhiannon
rhianon@sympatico.ca
The Labyrinth
http://thelabyrinthofr.blogspot.com
towel time
Laugh!
--
Rhi
.
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| User: "Franz Bestuchev" |
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| Title: Re: @ Got to Do Something @ |
30 Oct 2005 01:06:35 AM |
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"Rhiannon" <rhianon@sympatico.ca> wrote in message
news:TPY8f.14993$Nj3.1461994@news20.bellglobal.com...
"Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com> wrote in message
news:1130647801.494803.140360@g44g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...
<snipped>
BUT - what I am moaning about right now is FLOATING - AIR - WATER
pouring down from a waterfall on your head - KISSING - GIGGLES - yes???
This is about some kind of life changes and will not just be resolved
by treatment.
Best
Rosena
From one woman to another - I understand. You want to be female. Not
just
a patient. Not just a mother. Not just a professor. But also a woman.
You want to be Rosena. You desire a friend. A companion. A lover. You
want to smell the musky scent of a man rising up off of warm skin.
Someone
to say you are beautiful. Desirable. Special. Worthwhile. The deep
timber of his voice in your ear that raises the fine hair on your arms.
You
are a passionate woman. Of course you want these things. And you will
get
there. But in smaller steps than you might imagine or hope for. The "Got
to Do Something" in order for you to get there is exactly what you are
already doing right now. Medication, therapy, new focus, your changed,
yet
strengthening relationship with your daughter, all of these things will
begin to open all of these other doors you so tentatively tap on now.
Your
day will come. But you cannot get too far ahead of yourself. One thing
at
time. One day at a time. One step at a time. There is A LOT of life and
love and passion and womanhood left in you my dear friend. You will float
again. I believe in that.
--
Rhiannon
rhianon@sympatico.ca
The Labyrinth
http://thelabyrinthofr.blogspot.com
You put it so well that I want all that too.
.
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| User: "Rhiannon" |
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| Title: Re: @ Got to Do Something @ |
30 Oct 2005 09:13:26 AM |
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"Franz Bestuchev" <franz.bestuchev@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:3sj679FogoluU1@individual.net...
"Rhiannon" <rhianon@sympatico.ca> wrote in message
From one woman to another - I understand. You want to be female. Not
just
a patient. Not just a mother. Not just a professor. But also a woman.
You want to be Rosena. You desire a friend. A companion. A lover.
You
want to smell the musky scent of a man rising up off of warm skin.
Someone
to say you are beautiful. Desirable. Special. Worthwhile. The deep
timber of his voice in your ear that raises the fine hair on your arms.
You
are a passionate woman. Of course you want these things. And you will
get
there. But in smaller steps than you might imagine or hope for. The
"Got
to Do Something" in order for you to get there is exactly what you are
already doing right now. Medication, therapy, new focus, your changed,
yet
strengthening relationship with your daughter, all of these things will
begin to open all of these other doors you so tentatively tap on now.
Your
day will come. But you cannot get too far ahead of yourself. One thing
at
time. One day at a time. One step at a time. There is A LOT of life
and
love and passion and womanhood left in you my dear friend. You will
float
again. I believe in that.
--
Rhiannon
rhianon@sympatico.ca
The Labyrinth
http://thelabyrinthofr.blogspot.com
You put it so well that I want all that too.
:)
--
Rhi
.
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| User: "" |
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| Title: Re: @ Got to Do Something @ |
30 Oct 2005 09:27:35 AM |
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On Sun, 30 Oct 2005 01:25:37 -0400, "Rhiannon" <rhianon@sympatico.ca>
wrote:
->From one woman to another - I understand. You want to be female. Not just
->a patient. Not just a mother. Not just a professor. But also a woman.
->You want to be Rosena. You desire a friend. A companion. A lover. You
->want to smell the musky scent of a man rising up off of warm skin. Someone
->to say you are beautiful. Desirable. Special. Worthwhile. The deep
->timber of his voice in your ear that raises the fine hair on your arms. You
->are a passionate woman. Of course you want these things.
(breathless)
Damn, that was gorgeous... Of all I miss the most, it's that scent
thing. Well done, Rhiannon.
(no slams at Rosena, she's working her ***** off at change and I wish
her well)
--
I've always loved me, I was just taught that I didn't.
- %
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| User: "Rhiannon" |
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| Title: Re: @ Got to Do Something @ |
30 Oct 2005 10:05:57 AM |
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"notchimera" <dont@bother.com> wrote in message
news:u5p9m11repn3n5pm87kp7j8ukguj3gphp1@4ax.com...
On Sun, 30 Oct 2005 01:25:37 -0400, "Rhiannon" <rhianon@sympatico.ca>
wrote:
->From one woman to another - I understand. You want to be female. Not
just
->a patient. Not just a mother. Not just a professor. But also a woman.
->You want to be Rosena. You desire a friend. A companion. A lover.
You
->want to smell the musky scent of a man rising up off of warm skin.
Someone
->to say you are beautiful. Desirable. Special. Worthwhile. The deep
->timber of his voice in your ear that raises the fine hair on your arms.
You
->are a passionate woman. Of course you want these things.
(breathless)
Damn, that was gorgeous... Of all I miss the most, it's that scent
thing. Well done, Rhiannon.
<blush> Thanks Chim.
(no slams at Rosena, she's working her ***** off at change and I wish
her well)
You're a good soul. :)
--
Rhiannon
rhianon@sympatico.ca
The Labyrinth
http://thelabyrinthofr.blogspot.com
"..." -- Marcel Marceau
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| User: "Rosena" |
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| Title: Re: @ Got to Do Something @ |
30 Oct 2005 12:35:36 PM |
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You said it so beautifully - exactly what you said is how I feel.
Thank you too for kind words. Yes, I am impatient and these things
Maria and are doing are part of "the change." Funny these roles we
have eh? I do miss the smell. And the laughter. I hope you are
floating, dear. You are an amazing woman: it shouts out from all your
posts to me and to others.
Thank you
Rosena
.
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| User: "Rhiannon" |
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| Title: Re: @ Got to Do Something @ |
30 Oct 2005 07:11:12 PM |
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"Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com> wrote in message
news:1130697336.808683.96580@g14g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...
You said it so beautifully - exactly what you said is how I feel.
Thank you too for kind words. Yes, I am impatient and these things
Maria and are doing are part of "the change." Funny these roles we
have eh? I do miss the smell. And the laughter. I hope you are
floating, dear. You are an amazing woman: it shouts out from all your
posts to me and to others.
Thank you
Rosena
Awww...you made me cry. Thank you for this hon. :)
--
Rhi
.
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| User: "Nom dePlume nomdeplume1000-at-yahoo.com" |
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| Title: Re: @ Got to Do Something @ |
30 Oct 2005 01:38:41 AM |
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"Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com> wrote in message
news:1130647801.494803.140360@g44g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...
I am not sure what is frustrating you.
Perhaps nothing more than my own inability to comprehend your reality.
We'll see. I'll try to be clearer below.
Maria is in partial care.
This is very good news, of course, and I did not mean to imply that
you haven't been doing well by her.
We are both in therapy.
Are you in joint therapy in response to her SI problem? That was my
understanding, and it is a good thing. If you said somewhere that you
were in therapy for yourself, I missed it, and must apologize for
assuming otherwise. Is that the case?
I am going to have meds re-evaluated next week (for
myself).
Also good.
But Nom, this is not all about "illness" and "treatment."
Yes, therapy may help, it has just started and we will see. (only
two
weeks in).
But I also have to do some life things that are about recalling the
light and frivolous - it is that I am missing right now.
This is good, and I am not claiming otherwise.
Most suggestions in ASD I take and act on Maria is a prime example,
and
I acted quickly so she now has a shrink, a therapist, a case
manager, a
group therapy leader, an social service watch dog for her not
cutting,
and a mom really desperate to do right by her. What exactly have I
missed? Oh yes, and I check her arms and legs every night.
All I can do treatment wise for myself is go to therapy, be honest,
and
get meds re-evaluated. Aside from all this - there just has to be
change in small ways in rountine and big ways in liviing
arrangments.
But I can't raise Maria on 266.00 a month and that is what I have
once
rent is paid. On other hand, I take a job in another state and we
are
right back to moving Maria. Point is, not simple things here.
It never is. If it were simple, none of us would have problems, would
we?
BUT - what I am moaning about right now is FLOATING - AIR - WATER
pouring down from a waterfall on your head - KISSING - GIGGLES -
yes???
This is about some kind of life changes and will not just be
resolved
by treatment.
I'm not disputing your goals. I'm in agreement with them. What I am
wondering about is how serious you are about making the changes in
your personal life that you need in order to be happier. It has been
my impression, possibly mistaken, that you express desires like this
every now and then, but don't follow through on them. I suppose what I
am doing here is expressing both a degree of uncertainty over whether
you are able to suit actions to intentions when the subject is your
personal life, and the desire to be proven wrong.
So: I would like very much to see you happy. Please prove my doubts
wrong. I'm willing to believe. Help my unbelief.
--
Nom dePlume, Ph.D.
Why, yes, in fact, I am a rocket scientist.
Guide to Medications for Mental Illness:
http://www.geocities.com/nomdeplume1000/
=====
.
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| User: "%" |
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| Title: Re: @ Got to Do Something @ |
29 Oct 2005 10:54:30 PM |
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"Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com> wrote in message
news:1130647801.494803.140360@g44g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...
I am not sure what is frustrating you. Maria is in partial care. We are
both in therapy. I am going to have meds re-evaluated next week (for
myself). But Nom, this is not all about "illness" and "treatment."
Yes, therapy may help, it has just started and we will see. (only two
weeks in).
But I also have to do some life things that are about recalling the
light and frivolous - it is that I am missing right now.
Most suggestions in ASD I take and act on Maria is a prime example, and
I acted quickly so she now has a shrink, a therapist, a case manager, a
group therapy leader, an social service watch dog for her not cutting,
and a mom really desperate to do right by her. What exactly have I
missed? Oh yes, and I check her arms and legs every night.
All I can do treatment wise for myself is go to therapy, be honest, and
get meds re-evaluated. Aside from all this - there just has to be
change in small ways in rountine and big ways in liviing arrangments.
But I can't raise Maria on 266.00 a month and that is what I have once
rent is paid. On other hand, I take a job in another state and we are
right back to moving Maria. Point is, not simple things here.
BUT - what I am moaning about right now is FLOATING - AIR - WATER
pouring down from a waterfall on your head - KISSING - GIGGLES - yes???
This is about some kind of life changes and will not just be resolved
by treatment.
Best
Rosena
what do you do to have fun
.
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| User: "Rosena" |
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| Title: Re: @ Got to Do Something @ |
30 Oct 2005 12:00:28 AM |
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Not much. There are little little things like having a fire (which I
know you like too) or trying on all the perfume at the perfume counter,
but truth is - I don't know what to do to have plain ole womanly grown
up fun anymore. If I had a girlfriend, I'd just like to go have a
drink or go to a party. So, I guess first thing is I have to have to
force myself into a social situation.
I say this, but I don't do it. And tonight I am thinking I MUST do it,
or I will not save my soul from dying. I KNOW you will probably say
"well when will you do it?" and you would be right. Okay, next week in
school I will zoom in on some poor unsuspecting soul and try to "make
friends" - it is like grade school :)
Rosena
.
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| User: "%" |
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| Title: Re: @ Got to Do Something @ |
29 Oct 2005 11:06:48 PM |
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"Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com> wrote in message
news:1130648428.685937.145070@f14g2000cwb.googlegroups.com...
Not much. There are little little things like having a fire (which I
know you like too) or trying on all the perfume at the perfume counter,
but truth is - I don't know what to do to have plain ole womanly grown
up fun anymore. If I had a girlfriend, I'd just like to go have a
drink or go to a party. So, I guess first thing is I have to have to
force myself into a social situation.
I say this, but I don't do it. And tonight I am thinking I MUST do it,
or I will not save my soul from dying. I KNOW you will probably say
"well when will you do it?" and you would be right. Okay, next week in
school I will zoom in on some poor unsuspecting soul and try to "make
friends" - it is like grade school :)
Rosena
i'll check back later in the week ,
so you can tell me how it went
.
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| User: "lisa in mass." |
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| Title: Re: @ Got to Do Something @ |
30 Oct 2005 12:08:42 AM |
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Rosena wrote...
Not much. There are little little things like having a fire
(which I know you like too) or trying on all the perfume at
the perfume counter, but truth is - I don't know what to do
to have plain ole womanly grown up fun anymore. If I had a
girlfriend, I'd just like to go have a drink or go to a
party. So, I guess first thing is I have to have to force
myself into a social situation.
I say this, but I don't do it. And tonight I am thinking I
MUST do it, or I will not save my soul from dying. I KNOW
you will probably say "well when will you do it?" and you
would be right. Okay, next week in school I will zoom in
on some poor unsuspecting soul and try to "make friends" -
it is like grade school :)
Rosena
shouldn't be so tough, really. pick someone you'd like to know
better, ask them to join you for a cup of coffee and a chance to
compare notes. easier than grade school.
-lisa
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| User: "Rosena" |
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| Title: Re: @ Got to Do Something @ |
30 Oct 2005 12:17:03 AM |
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Hi Lisa,
You'd think it would be easier but I seem to always be rushing - to
library, to doctor, picking up Maria and then truth be told at some
point all I want to do is be alone and sort of rest in an exhausted
stupor. Gawd, in my 20s I had so so much energy, but now I am a rag.
But if I am real anal about this and plan it and then let myself work
up to day I actually have the coffee with someone it will be easier.
Maybe I should just go up and kiss some unsuspecting cutie and then say
excuse me?
Rosena
sleep tight honey.
.
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| User: "lisa in mass." |
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| Title: Re: @ Got to Do Something @ |
30 Oct 2005 12:34:21 AM |
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Rosena wrote...
Hi Lisa,
You'd think it would be easier but I seem to always be
rushing - to library, to doctor, picking up Maria and then
truth be told at some point all I want to do is be alone
and sort of rest in an exhausted stupor. Gawd, in my 20s I
had so so much energy, but now I am a rag. But if I am real
anal about this and plan it and then let myself work up to
day I actually have the coffee with someone it will be
easier.
Maybe I should just go up and kiss some unsuspecting cutie
and then say excuse me?
:-)
Rosena
sleep tight honey.
thank you. you, too.
-lisa
.
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