and I am not a lion. Maria's dad has it in his head that he can
mention in-patient or long term confinement as an "option" to Maria
when she is uncooperative. I raged at him last night, and told him
firmly that if never ever would Maria be sent somewhere unless she
posed a true clear danger to herself. I was forceful, determined,
crisp, clear and inside so so tierd of being on front lines.

There is no worry. We have joint custody as to major life decisions.
There are no legal grounds that he could ever use to send her away. And
he wouldn't. He runs his mouth when upset. But I have to stand with
claws out in devensive mode and I am tierd.

Maria was kicked out of her school. Clear discrimination. Maybe
nothing we can do, but for her sake, to let her see us fight for her
civil rights we are going to attorney. A thousand dollars for
consultation alone . . . I don't think we can fight it. But again, she
needs to see lions.

She is doing much better, very loving, but she thinks she will go back
to that school and hard to try to get her to understand. There is only
one other private school of 7 students in a small home school she could
go to finish this year. Public school out because very drug infested,
racial tension and fights, poor reputation etc. So I may have to home
school for rest of year. She is willing. But how?! How do PhD and
teach her 4 hours a day?

Good news though - I was offered to teach my own history course this
summer - introduction to middle ages - big deal vita wise and a bit of
money. Got A on Latin exam too. But . . .

What I am realizing is how I got drove to John. He was so tall,
strong, and old fashion in belief of protection and care of women and
family (yes, yes, a bit of sham to say the least) but I felt, "at last,
I can stop being a lion. I can be the delicate lady-like swan-like
sweet and non-offensive female that reflects my desires to be and not a
lion."

Don't judge. We all feel closer to one or another persona. The hell
for anyone is to be forced into roles that feel uncomfortable, untrue
to her or his nature. I am a lousy warrior princess and feel that is
all I can be right now to keep Maria and I "okay" and keep wolves from
the door.