Little better - not suicidal but pretty low. . .have ativan but not
taking too much for fear of addiction. Finishing paper on abolition of
Purgatory in England . . . nothing makes much sense right now. I wish
Nietzsche were alive, I asked him to go to a pub. There is a special
think tank affiliated loosely with Princeton in Princeton that is very
very rarified in who it invites as a member for a year of research on
600 acres of utter comfort and being taken care of . . .guess the *****
who got an award?
I wouldn't care, I'd even be proud in some ways, if I just didn't have
this delusional feeling as if he is living like a vampire off my blood
as I grow weaker, he grows stronger, and every bit of his life force
that increases is in the grand plan linked to a decrease in mine.
Weird. Insane.
Maria is real real angry at me for the contact. I don't blame her. I am
angry at me too.
Rosena
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| User: "%" |
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| Title: Re: @ Hey @ |
23 May 2006 09:56:17 PM |
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<elystormbringer@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:1148439152.695603.151740@y43g2000cwc.googlegroups.com...
Little better - not suicidal but pretty low. . .have ativan but not
taking too much for fear of addiction. Finishing paper on abolition of
Purgatory in England . . . nothing makes much sense right now. I wish
Nietzsche were alive, I asked him to go to a pub. There is a special
think tank affiliated loosely with Princeton in Princeton that is very
very rarified in who it invites as a member for a year of research on
600 acres of utter comfort and being taken care of . . .guess the *****
who got an award?
I wouldn't care, I'd even be proud in some ways, if I just didn't have
this delusional feeling as if he is living like a vampire off my blood
as I grow weaker, he grows stronger, and every bit of his life force
that increases is in the grand plan linked to a decrease in mine.
Weird. Insane.
Maria is real real angry at me for the contact. I don't blame her. I am
angry at me too.
Rosena
so am i but you won't care
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| User: "jill" |
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| Title: Re: @ Hey @ |
24 May 2006 10:41:56 AM |
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wrote:
Little better - not suicidal but pretty low. . .have ativan but not
taking too much for fear of addiction. Finishing paper on abolition of
Purgatory in England . . . nothing makes much sense right now. I wish
Nietzsche were alive, I asked him to go to a pub. There is a special
think tank affiliated loosely with Princeton in Princeton that is very
very rarified in who it invites as a member for a year of research on
600 acres of utter comfort and being taken care of . . .guess the *****
who got an award?
I wouldn't care, I'd even be proud in some ways, if I just didn't have
this delusional feeling as if he is living like a vampire off my blood
as I grow weaker, he grows stronger, and every bit of his life force
that increases is in the grand plan linked to a decrease in mine.
Weird. Insane.
Maria is real real angry at me for the contact. I don't blame her. I am
angry at me too.
Rosena
was it Nietzche who said that thing about the abyss.. just remember
if you stare to long into the abyss,The abyss is also staring back at
you ... something like that, hang in there, jill
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| User: "Alan Harding" |
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| Title: Re: @ Hey @ |
24 May 2006 03:18:12 PM |
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In message <1148439152.695603.151740@y43g2000cwc.googlegroups.com>,
elystormbringer@gmail.com writes
Maria is real real angry at me for the contact. I don't blame her. I am
angry at me too.
It was a stupid thing to do - you keep screwing yourself. You keep
making the same mistake while expecting the same dreadful result! Have
you ever checked your Emotional Intelligence?
--
The opinions given above may be mine. They might also
just be what I feel like saying right now, okay?
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| User: "jill" |
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| Title: Re: @ Hey @ |
25 May 2006 10:02:42 AM |
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Alan Harding wrote:
In message <1148439152.695603.151740@y43g2000cwc.googlegroups.com>,
elystormbringer@gmail.com writes
Maria is real real angry at me for the contact. I don't blame her. I am
angry at me too.
It was a stupid thing to do - you keep screwing yourself. You keep
making the same mistake while expecting the same dreadful result! Have
you ever checked your Emotional Intelligence?
--
The opinions given above may be mine. They might also
just be what I feel like saying right now, okay?
I could not agree more alan,, Its like an addict an thier drug,,
Cognitive therapy maybe?
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| User: "" |
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| Title: Re: @ Hey @ |
25 May 2006 09:50:11 PM |
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Alan Harding wrote:
In message <1148439152.695603.151740@y43g2000cwc.googlegroups.com>,
elystormbringer@gmail.com writes
Maria is real real angry at me for the contact. I don't blame her. I am
angry at me too.
It was a stupid thing to do - you keep screwing yourself. You keep
making the same mistake while expecting the same dreadful result! Have
you ever checked your Emotional Intelligence?
I know. I don't understand. I do it as Nina has pointed out at moments
of great stress. But what has been prompting it lately is my health
and I keep thinking that before I die we will have some beautiful
mutual compassion understanding . . .
I think my emotional intelligence is much like a 3 year old - I am
serious. I seem to react in ways I can remeber Maria reacting when she
was 3 or 4. This scares me. If it is some odd truth about me, I am not
sure how to cope or adapt for it except, I suppose, with cold reason
always keeping a lid on emotional "process" --
It feels a lot like compulsion and stubborness both. I am very angry
at myself and depressed.
Rosena
--
The opinions given above may be mine. They might also
just be what I feel like saying right now, okay?
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| User: "Alan Harding" |
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| Title: Re: @ Hey @ |
26 May 2006 02:04:19 PM |
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In message <1148611811.417139.214910@y43g2000cwc.googlegroups.com>,
elystormbringer@gmail.com writes
Alan Harding wrote:
In message <1148439152.695603.151740@y43g2000cwc.googlegroups.com>,
elystormbringer@gmail.com writes
Maria is real real angry at me for the contact. I don't blame her. I am
angry at me too.
It was a stupid thing to do - you keep screwing yourself. You keep
making the same mistake while expecting the same dreadful result! Have
you ever checked your Emotional Intelligence?
I know. I don't understand. I do it as Nina has pointed out at moments
of great stress. But what has been prompting it lately is my health
and I keep thinking that before I die we will have some beautiful
mutual compassion understanding . . .
The possibility of contact stresses you. Contact will always be at
moments of great stress.
I think my emotional intelligence is much like a 3 year old - I am
serious. I seem to react in ways I can remeber Maria reacting when she
was 3 or 4. This scares me. If it is some odd truth about me, I am not
sure how to cope or adapt for it except, I suppose, with cold reason
always keeping a lid on emotional "process" --
Sometimes repressing emotions is a very good thing, just as being numb
can be better than the alternatives. If you can break the cycle even
once, you'll know you have a choice. Of course, on the negative side,
that means if you give in, you can add guilt to your reaction too.
It feels a lot like compulsion and stubborness both. I am very angry
at myself and depressed.
You are always angry and depressed after you give in to these contacts.
They always make you feel terrible. You could do with a therapist (or a
good alternative) to talk about your compulsion to hurt yourself. It
doesn't sound like stubbornness to me, more wrong-headedness.
Talking about why you react as a young child might be a good idea too.
Do you know why, and what are you going to do about it? Maybe that would
be better handled by a different sort of therapist - do you have access
to such people?
--
The opinions given above may be mine. They might also
just be what I feel like saying right now, okay?
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| User: "Jesters mummy" |
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| Title: Re: @ Hey @ |
26 May 2006 06:43:08 AM |
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On 25 May 2006 19:50:11 -0700, wrote:
<(((*>
<(((*>Alan Harding wrote:
<(((*>> In message <1148439152.695603.151740@y43g2000cwc.googlegroups.com>,
<(((*>> writes
<(((*>> >
<(((*>> >Maria is real real angry at me for the contact. I don't blame her. I am
<(((*>> >angry at me too.
<(((*>> >
<(((*>> It was a stupid thing to do - you keep screwing yourself. You keep
<(((*>> making the same mistake while expecting the same dreadful result! Have
<(((*>> you ever checked your Emotional Intelligence?
<(((*>
<(((*>
<(((*>I know. I don't understand. I do it as Nina has pointed out at moments
<(((*>of great stress. But what has been prompting it lately is my health
<(((*>and I keep thinking that before I die we will have some beautiful
<(((*>mutual compassion understanding . . .
That kind of thing happens only in romantic fiction. It ain't gonna happen here.
YOU are quite capable of achieving it, but John can't, and if he could he
wouldn't.
Honestly, I look at you and I see an intelligent, fascinating woman, and I
wonder why the holy heck you insist on being obsessed with a loser like John.
Yeah, you read me right. LOSER. He's a loser because he couldn't get started
without stealing your intellectual output. Betcha he does the same thing with
his grad students and teaching assistants. Betcha that's how he does all his
best work.
<(((*>I think my emotional intelligence is much like a 3 year old - I am
<(((*>serious. I seem to react in ways I can remeber Maria reacting when she
<(((*>was 3 or 4. This scares me. If it is some odd truth about me, I am not
<(((*>sure how to cope or adapt for it except, I suppose, with cold reason
<(((*>always keeping a lid on emotional "process" --
Have you talked about this insight with your therp? What steps are you taking to
help your inner toddler grow up?
<(((*>It feels a lot like compulsion and stubborness both. I am very angry
<(((*>at myself and depressed.
Okay, you've got a pretty good handle on what it is, now forgive yourself for
being human, and instead of wasting energy being angry at yourself, use the
energy to change yourself.
Tara J. Ballance
Montreal, Canada
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| User: "Rhiannon" |
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| Title: Re: @ Hey @ |
26 May 2006 10:06:07 AM |
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"Jester's mummy" <cocky2@nest.egg> wrote in message
news:hvpd72t34lkb2tt37j394blht3vg8k8puh@4ax.com...
That kind of thing happens only in romantic fiction. It ain't gonna happen
here.
YOU are quite capable of achieving it, but John can't, and if he could he
wouldn't.
Honestly, I look at you and I see an intelligent, fascinating woman, and I
wonder why the holy heck you insist on being obsessed with a loser like
John.
Yeah, you read me right. LOSER. He's a loser because he couldn't get
started
without stealing your intellectual output. Betcha he does the same thing
with
his grad students and teaching assistants. Betcha that's how he does all
his
best work.
Tara J. Ballance
Montreal, Canada
I don't get it either. I suppose that's why I'm all out of insights. None
of them are worth a damn if the person isn't going to change. All it does
is frustrate me. I adore you Rosena but both Alan and Tara are right. It's
all up to you hon.
--
Rhi
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| User: "" |
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| Title: Re: @ Hey @ |
26 May 2006 11:16:19 AM |
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Hi Rhi,
I know you are both right (and Alan too). I can white knuckle it
sometimes for a year. And truth be told, sometimes - especially when
there are small successes, I seem to be moving past "it." But part of
it I know is being a romantic and I keep thinking there will be a fairy
tale ending if I give it enough time.
This is real real stupid. He used me and concedes it - though not all
use. He did X Y and Z and all shows real lack of character. There is
no reason to think "it" will resolve itself beautifully. I am now back
to saying - okay Rosena, try to move past it again for the 100th
billion time . . .I need to do more somehow, like with therapy but as I
said to Tara I am scared of it -
Thanks hon
Rosena
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| User: "" |
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| Title: Re: @ Hey @ |
26 May 2006 10:52:47 AM |
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Tara,
Well . . .here is scary thing. I do know I react like a small child
and I know Nom may be right that related to trauma at childhood but to
go there in therapy is a very very scary proposition. I mean, so scary
that I am not sure I could think, talk, and relive it with a therapist
and return in my mind so to speak to be okay.
But . . .I know deep down I am responsible here to set boundary as Cal
put it. At bit of impasse within because of fear of dealing with my
own past.
Thanks as always,
Rosena
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| User: "yuluwirri" |
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| Title: Re: @ Hey @ |
26 May 2006 07:52:46 PM |
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x-no-archive: yes
On 26 May 2006 08:52:47 -0700, wrote:
Tara,
Well . . .here is scary thing. I do know I react like a small child
and I know Nom may be right that related to trauma at childhood but to
go there in therapy is a very very scary proposition. I mean, so scary
that I am not sure I could think, talk, and relive it with a therapist
and return in my mind so to speak to be okay.
But . . .I know deep down I am responsible here to set boundary as Cal
put it. At bit of impasse within because of fear of dealing with my
own past.
Rosena,
Very scary yes. I will agree with you, but once it's over and out of
your system, and you can start re-integrating the parts of yourself
that are walled off, you will find your life starts to improve
dramatically and this includes your physical self as well.
Hard work, indeed, but when it's compared to a whole life of being
unaware, and trapped in so many ways, it doesn't even rate. You will
also be pleasantly surprised along the way and grow to love yourself
in a much more profound and healthy way.
Thanks as always,
Rosena
--
yuluwirri
~~~~~~~
Fish know.
~~~~~~~
yuluwirri@hotmail.com
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| User: "" |
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| Title: Re: @ Hey @ |
25 May 2006 10:50:54 PM |
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umm hmm, might I compare the thoughts of reconciliation
to a drug? (an iliicit bad drug)
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| User: "" |
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| Title: Re: @ Hey @ |
25 May 2006 11:24:24 PM |
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Hi Contrarian,
I suppose it is drug-like in that I feel compulsion and I do something
not good for me over and over (knowing outcome), and it is true that I
want relief from suffering through reunion . . . but I am not sure how
far analogy is helpful in the end.
I mean I am "addicted" to my dead mother in the sense that I miss her
and feel need for her still even though she hurt me. Do you see
something else, I should think about? Serious. Need help here.
Best
Rosena
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| User: "cal" |
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| Title: Re: @ Hey @ |
26 May 2006 08:02:57 AM |
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<elystormbringer@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:1148617464.229150.198260@j33g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...
Hi Contrarian,
I suppose it is drug-like in that I feel compulsion and I do something
not good for me over and over (knowing outcome), and it is true that I
want relief from suffering through reunion . . . but I am not sure how
far analogy is helpful in the end.
I mean I am "addicted" to my dead mother in the sense that I miss her
and feel need for her still even though she hurt me.
that's the analogy that doesn't work. with your mother, you can't hope for
relief from suffering through reunion. at least, not in this life. hope has
this hard, imposed boundary there. with john, it doesn't. you have to set
the boundary yourself, and keep it in place yourself.
from your accounts that i've read, it sounds like he's doing this for
himself. but he can't do it for you. only you can.
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| User: "Nom dePlume nomdeplume1000-at-yahoo.com" |
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| Title: Re: @ Hey @ |
26 May 2006 01:25:08 AM |
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<elystormbringer@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:1148617464.229150.198260@j33g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...
Hi Contrarian,
I suppose it is drug-like in that I feel compulsion and I do
something
not good for me over and over (knowing outcome), and it is true that
I
want relief from suffering through reunion . . . but I am not sure
how
far analogy is helpful in the end.
I mean I am "addicted" to my dead mother in the sense that I miss
her
and feel need for her still even though she hurt me. Do you see
something else, I should think about? Serious. Need help here.
Best
Rosena
Rosena - Two things.
First, did you get my email?
Second, what you describe is typical for trauma-induced dissociative
disorders, which freeze aspects of oneself at early developmental
stages. There are ways to deal with these problems, but they aren't
self-help techniques. I can tell you more if you wish.
--
Nom dePlume, Ph.D.
Why, yes, in fact, I am a rocket scientist.
Guide to Medications for Mental Illness:
http://www.geocities.com/nomdeplume1000/
=====
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| User: "" |
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| Title: Re: @ Hey @ |
26 May 2006 11:08:08 AM |
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Hi Nom,
Sorry, yes just got email - and I think relevant. There was extreme
trauma when young - rather sick horrific stuff - I can't recall all of
it. I do not believe in memory regression much but I have very
horrible nightmares that are always the same and explicit about the
same family member. They have gotten worse as I get older. Suffice to
say, things were bad enough that I left home at 11 and was on my own.
Also when John I first got together is abouttwo months after my mama
died which was real real traumatic.
I am not being figurative when I say I can see myself reacting like a 3
or 6 year old. It is a bit spooky the feeling of need which borders on
parental.
One thing that is less horrific, but a bad memory is that my father use
to tell me - all the way back to 3 how stupid I was. It was repeated
often "i have more brains in my little finger than you have in your
whole head." it really had an impact and I was told how brilliant my
father was. Well, Tara was wrong about one thing. John is truly
brilliant. He got started in underhanded way but has really proven
himself - I have been in close awareness of his research to know this a
few years back at least. I know there is a link there - John - dad -
me. My dad is now dead. Cut me out of will. Never asked for me.
More than you want to know eh?
Best
Rosena
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| User: "Nom dePlume nomdeplume1000-at-yahoo.com" |
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| Title: Re: @ Hey @ |
26 May 2006 12:15:03 PM |
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<elystormbringer@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:1148659688.915643.305950@j73g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...
Hi Nom,
Sorry, yes just got email - and I think relevant. There was extreme
trauma when young - rather sick horrific stuff - I can't recall all
of
it. I do not believe in memory regression much but I have very
horrible nightmares that are always the same and explicit about the
same family member. They have gotten worse as I get older. Suffice
to
say, things were bad enough that I left home at 11 and was on my
own.
Also when John I first got together is abouttwo months after my mama
died which was real real traumatic.
I am not being figurative when I say I can see myself reacting like
a 3
or 6 year old. It is a bit spooky the feeling of need which borders
on
parental.
I understand.
One thing that is less horrific, but a bad memory is that my father
use
to tell me - all the way back to 3 how stupid I was. It was repeated
often "i have more brains in my little finger than you have in your
whole head." it really had an impact and I was told how brilliant
my
father was. Well, Tara was wrong about one thing. John is truly
brilliant. He got started in underhanded way but has really proven
himself - I have been in close awareness of his research to know
this a
few years back at least. I know there is a link there - John -
dad -
me. My dad is now dead. Cut me out of will. Never asked for me.
More than you want to know eh?
No, that's fine. I can't diagnose you, but it is my personal opinion
that you do have childhood trauma issues that must be dealt with in
order for you to feel better. No amount of other types of therapy, or
medication, or advice is going to resolve the core problems. I
understand you find the idea terrifying, but the reality may be less
terrifying than you imagine. The resolution of childhood trauma is not
going to be painless, but it needn't be as painful as the original
trauma.
Rosena, if you truly want to be well (for yourself and Maria), you
need to do what is necessary, even if it is painful or frightening.
Remember, you can control the pace and depth of the work--you are not
powerless!
I would really recommend that you take the bull by the horns and find
a therapist who specializes in trauma and dissociation (try
www.issd.org for referrals). If you don't, then I believe you can
expect to remain as you are, or worse, for the rest of your life.
--
Nom dePlume, Ph.D.
Why, yes, in fact, I am a rocket scientist.
Guide to Medications for Mental Illness:
http://www.geocities.com/nomdeplume1000/
=====
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