it's been a horrendously suckworthy week.

i want to drug myself into oblivion but i can't even do that because i
have to be up in four hours to give the dog her meds.

i just fucking give up already.

i just fucking give up already.

it's been a horrendously suckworthy week.

last friday night i got up and chewie my nekkid rat with
the ear infection was rolling. the infection had moved to
his inner ear and was messing up his equilibrium. i started
him on steroid in the hopes it would cut the inflammation.
nothin doing. nothing helped him.

wednesday night i put him and his brother to sleep
together. they were so closely bonded that it was the only
fair thing to do. they'll be cremated together.

(that night at work was followed by an emergency
splenectomy of a dog. they ended up putting the dog to
sleep anyway as it was bleeding internally and they
couldn't stop it, and it had cancer all through its liver.
the owners came in at 1 am to put the dog down. the other
tech left at 1:30. one doctor at 2am. the other at 4. one
hell of a night.)

thursday my rat suzie was emergency spayed because she
escaped and got it on with my badass siamese rat and there
is just no way i could handle and/or rehome a dozen eepers.
vet called me in the middle of the afternoon to tell me her
lungs sounded bad, did i still want to do the surgery. i
said yes. she did the surgery. it went fine but only time
will tell how her lungs do.

this morning my andrew squish rat who developed pneumonia
two weeks ago but was improving on meds started gasping for
air and open-mouth breathing. i rushed him to the vet (with
no warning... surprise!)

i beat her there by about fifteen seconds. i got out of the
car and was crying. she opened her car door, said "what's
wrong?" i said "andrew can't breathe" and she got out and
just hugged me and i bawled. i don't know why such simple
things as kindness make me lose it completely, but they do.

i ended up putting him to sleep, which breaks my heart. he
was so young. only 15 months. far too young to die. and so
suddenly. and so harshly. his lungs were just scarred to
hell, but i don't know why. we could have prolonged his
life for a bit, but i couldn't go through that. i watched
jon struggle to breathe and i know he suffered at the end.
i couldn't put andrew through that. i couldn't.

so he's gone, too. and i am just heartbroken and devestated
and all that stuff. i am embarrassed by all my bawling at
work. two of the vets hugged me and hugged me but all the
techs just vanished. it's better that way but i feel so
alienated.

i need to go to bed. my head hurts. my heart hurts. it's
way past my bedtime. i'm exhausted. i don't know what to do
with myself. i'm scared the rest of my rats are going to
get sick. i'm scared the poodle is going to crash out of
nowhere just because that's how things are going. i'm
scared my little girl rat is going to have a bad reaction
to her sutures from her spay and turn into one big abscessy
mess the way bob did. i'm just scared.

i want to drug myself into oblivion but i can't even do
that because i have to be up in four hours to give the dog
her meds.

i just fucking give up already.

it's been a horrendously suckworthy week.

last friday night i got up and chewie my nekkid rat with the ear
infection was rolling. the infection had moved to his inner ear and
was messing up his equilibrium. i started him on steroid in the hopes
it would cut the inflammation. nothin doing. nothing helped him.

wednesday night i put him and his brother to sleep together. they were
so closely bonded that it was the only fair thing to do. they'll be
cremated together.

(that night at work was followed by an emergency splenectomy of a dog.
they ended up putting the dog to sleep anyway as it was bleeding
internally and they couldn't stop it, and it had cancer all through
its liver. the owners came in at 1 am to put the dog down. the other
tech left at 1:30. one doctor at 2am. the other at 4. one hell of a
night.)

thursday my rat suzie was emergency spayed because she escaped and got
it on with my badass siamese rat and there is just no way i could
handle and/or rehome a dozen eepers. vet called me in the middle of
the afternoon to tell me her lungs sounded bad, did i still want to do
the surgery. i said yes. she did the surgery. it went fine but only
time will tell how her lungs do.

this morning my andrew squish rat who developed pneumonia two weeks
ago but was improving on meds started gasping for air and open-mouth
breathing. i rushed him to the vet (with no warning... surprise!)

i beat her there by about fifteen seconds. i got out of the car and
was crying. she opened her car door, said "what's wrong?" i said
"andrew can't breathe" and she got out and just hugged me and i
bawled. i don't know why such simple things as kindness make me lose
it completely, but they do.

i ended up putting him to sleep, which breaks my heart. he was so
young. only 15 months. far too young to die. and so suddenly. and so
harshly. his lungs were just scarred to hell, but i don't know why. we
could have prolonged his life for a bit, but i couldn't go through
that. i watched jon struggle to breathe and i know he suffered at the
end. i couldn't put andrew through that. i couldn't.

so he's gone, too. and i am just heartbroken and devestated and all
that stuff. i am embarrassed by all my bawling at work. two of the
vets hugged me and hugged me but all the techs just vanished. it's
better that way but i feel so alienated.

i need to go to bed. my head hurts. my heart hurts. it's way past my
bedtime. i'm exhausted. i don't know what to do with myself. i'm
scared the rest of my rats are going to get sick. i'm scared the
poodle is going to crash out of nowhere just because that's how things
are going. i'm scared my little girl rat is going to have a bad
reaction to her sutures from her spay and turn into one big abscessy
mess the way bob did. i'm just scared.

i want to drug myself into oblivion but i can't even do that because i
have to be up in four hours to give the dog her meds.

i just fucking give up already.


---
Now everybody do the propaganda.
And sing along in the age of paranoia.(green day)
http://shattering.org

it's been a horrendously suckworthy week.

last friday night i got up and chewie my nekkid rat with the ear
infection was rolling. the infection had moved to his inner ear and
was messing up his equilibrium. i started him on steroid in the hopes
it would cut the inflammation. nothin doing. nothing helped him.

wednesday night i put him and his brother to sleep together. they were
so closely bonded that it was the only fair thing to do. they'll be
cremated together.

(that night at work was followed by an emergency splenectomy of a dog.
they ended up putting the dog to sleep anyway as it was bleeding
internally and they couldn't stop it, and it had cancer all through
its liver. the owners came in at 1 am to put the dog down. the other
tech left at 1:30. one doctor at 2am. the other at 4. one hell of a
night.)

thursday my rat suzie was emergency spayed because she escaped and got
it on with my badass siamese rat and there is just no way i could
handle and/or rehome a dozen eepers. vet called me in the middle of
the afternoon to tell me her lungs sounded bad, did i still want to do
the surgery. i said yes. she did the surgery. it went fine but only
time will tell how her lungs do.

this morning my andrew squish rat who developed pneumonia two weeks
ago but was improving on meds started gasping for air and open-mouth
breathing. i rushed him to the vet (with no warning... surprise!)

i beat her there by about fifteen seconds. i got out of the car and
was crying. she opened her car door, said "what's wrong?" i said
"andrew can't breathe" and she got out and just hugged me and i
bawled. i don't know why such simple things as kindness make me lose
it completely, but they do.

i ended up putting him to sleep, which breaks my heart. he was so
young. only 15 months. far too young to die. and so suddenly. and so
harshly. his lungs were just scarred to hell, but i don't know why. we
could have prolonged his life for a bit, but i couldn't go through
that. i watched jon struggle to breathe and i know he suffered at the
end. i couldn't put andrew through that. i couldn't.

so he's gone, too. and i am just heartbroken and devestated and all
that stuff. i am embarrassed by all my bawling at work. two of the
vets hugged me and hugged me but all the techs just vanished. it's
better that way but i feel so alienated.

i need to go to bed. my head hurts. my heart hurts. it's way past my
bedtime. i'm exhausted. i don't know what to do with myself. i'm
scared the rest of my rats are going to get sick. i'm scared the
poodle is going to crash out of nowhere just because that's how things
are going. i'm scared my little girl rat is going to have a bad
reaction to her sutures from her spay and turn into one big abscessy
mess the way bob did. i'm just scared.

i want to drug myself into oblivion but i can't even do that because i
have to be up in four hours to give the dog her meds.

i just fucking give up already.


---
Now everybody do the propaganda.
And sing along in the age of paranoia.(green day)
http://shattering.org