| Topic: |
Sociology > Depression |
| User: |
"Rosena" |
| Date: |
13 Apr 2005 04:21:53 PM |
| Object: |
@@ More stuff @@ |
Okay - for any who have been following this, I am going to try to lay
out in a concise fashion the last 48 hours. Why, I am interested if
anyone sees something I should see too.
What drove me nuts to the point of insanity Monday was that my friend
Linda wrote John and asked him not to write me for my welfare. He
didn't writing her back saying how it was best for me. I blew my lid
that 1) she would treat me like a 6 year old and 2) that he wrapped
himself in honorable justification. As you all know, I really really
lost it.
I talked to my friend Linda and she was presuaded that she over-stepped
herself, and saw that what she did made me feel more "disempowered" as
she put it. She wrote John, asked him to speak to me directly (thru
email) and wished we'd both stop.
He wrote me a brief email, to say another email is coming. Okay this is
point:
1. I KNEW he'd do this for he wishes to remain in good standing with
other professors, Linda being one.
2. I felt mental relief when Linda respected my judgment, said she
respected by judgment, and acted on that. I calmed down immeidately,
NOTE, the point is not that he would write, but that she did not try to
constrain my freedom to write IF I choose to.
3. My plan, goal, and committment is not to respond to John's email
when it comes (I could write it myself - I know what it will say) but
rather to let it all lay there. To go back to silence and try to stay
on wagon. No contact.
But somehow I feel more in control and that makes me feel more sane.
But I am not controlling John, of course. Yet, when I insist he can't
snub me and that works, I feel relief. It isn't about John but about
being closed out that gets me insane?? Why??
Rosena
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| User: "Nina" |
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| Title: Re: @@ More stuff @@ |
13 Apr 2005 04:45:37 PM |
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On 13 Apr 2005 14:21:53 -0700, "Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com> wrote:
But somehow I feel more in control and that makes me feel more sane.
But I am not controlling John, of course. Yet, when I insist he can't
snub me and that works, I feel relief. It isn't about John but about
being closed out that gets me insane?? Why??
When you are just closed out (or whatever), you feel helpless, so you
run in a mad circle trying to get some kind of control. In this case,
right or wrong, you have done *something*, so it makes you feel that
you are more in control. Sometimes the illusion of control is all
that we need to feel empowered and comforted.
If you think about your whole childhood... and, really, everything in
your life... it's all about trying to get some kind of control, and
when you don't have it (illusion or not), it completely destroys your
mental balance. Believe me, I know this better than anything,
probably.
The most difficult thing in the world is accepting that it's ok not to
be in control.
Nina
_____________
"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me lay an invincible summer."
-Albert Camus
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| User: "Rosena" |
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| Title: Re: @@ More stuff @@ |
13 Apr 2005 04:59:47 PM |
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Nina,
Yes - not being in control makes me nuts, but I think the whole key
with finding a way of letting go of this obession (and what it
represents with family, parents, etc.) is what you said: learning to
accept that "I" cannot control my world - or everything. That things
happen. Life happens. And we all must truyl and in a deep and profound
way roll with it. This lesson is SO SO hard for me to learn.
But I do not think meds or therapy is going to teach it to me. I think
it is almost more a spiritual issue. Does that make sense??
Rosena
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| User: "Nina" |
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| Title: Re: @@ More stuff @@ |
13 Apr 2005 05:10:45 PM |
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On 13 Apr 2005 14:59:47 -0700, "Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com> wrote:
Nina,
Yes - not being in control makes me nuts, but I think the whole key
with finding a way of letting go of this obession (and what it
represents with family, parents, etc.) is what you said: learning to
accept that "I" cannot control my world - or everything. That things
happen. Life happens. And we all must truyl and in a deep and profound
way roll with it. This lesson is SO SO hard for me to learn.
But I do not think meds or therapy is going to teach it to me. I think
it is almost more a spiritual issue. Does that make sense??
Yes, it makes a great deal of sense to me, and it's something that I'm
working on, too. You might try reading some of the Buddhist
literature... a great deal of it stresses acceptance of the fact that
the only certain thing is change, and that, in some sense, there is no
control. And it's not incompatible with other spiritual thought.
But I do think that meds help and that to stop holding tight to the
need to control requires accepting and understanding why that need
exists. So therapy has its role, too.
Nina
_____________
"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me lay an invincible summer."
-Albert Camus
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| User: "Rosena" |
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| Title: Re: @@ More stuff @@ |
13 Apr 2005 05:19:26 PM |
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Yes, therapy is in order I think - been too long trying to cope by
myself and not doing great job. I don't want to start here for move in
a few months. So going to start in Illinois. (that is where I landed).
But I did call pdoc to let him know I have been shaky and will be going
in to see him, maybe adjust meds.
But true opinion? I think just getting back on damn wagon, and cutting
off contact again, etc etc, (and trying to learn from it one more damn
time) is what is going to do most good. On other hand with this big
operation coming up, I suppose pdoc can help me to stay on wagon eh?
Yep, all these things are important.
Rosena
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| User: "% . surfs@uniserve" |
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| Title: Re: @@ More stuff @@ |
13 Apr 2005 05:25:06 PM |
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"Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com> wrote in message news:1113430766.673419.235700@f14g2000cwb.googlegroups.com...
:
: Yes, therapy is in order I think - been too long trying to cope by
: myself and not doing great job. I don't want to start here for move in
: a few months. So going to start in Illinois. (that is where I landed).
: But I did call pdoc to let him know I have been shaky and will be going
: in to see him, maybe adjust meds.
:
: But true opinion? I think just getting back on damn wagon, and cutting
: off contact again, etc etc, (and trying to learn from it one more damn
: time) is what is going to do most good. On other hand with this big
: operation coming up, I suppose pdoc can help me to stay on wagon eh?
: Yep, all these things are important.
:
: Rosena
:
but ... you still had a good day , right ?
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| User: "Rosena" |
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| Title: Re: @@ More stuff @@ |
13 Apr 2005 06:03:12 PM |
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Yep, still had good day. My students always always remind me how damn
incredible the human condition is, if that makes sense.
Rosena
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| User: "% . surfs@uniserve" |
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| Title: Re: @@ More stuff @@ |
13 Apr 2005 06:07:52 PM |
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"Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com> wrote in message news:1113432599.236230.4540@g14g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...
:
: Yep, still had good day. My students always always remind me how damn
: incredible the human condition is, if that makes sense.
:
: Rosena
:
my own self distruction does the same thing
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| User: "Contrarian" |
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| Title: Re: @@ More stuff @@ |
14 Apr 2005 09:52:56 PM |
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Rosena <filpriros@aol.com> wrote:
Yes, therapy is in order I think - been too long trying to cope by
myself and not doing great job.
yes, you can't do it on your own. did you get my messages?
But true opinion? I think just getting back on damn wagon
"dry drunks" are miserable. you need "real life" contacts.
I think the drama and uniqueness of your predicament has
misled you into thinking you have to deal with it solo;
this is a grave error >>> because of the dangers if you
don't cope well enough. Dear R. I don't think you have
any secret pride about this mess; your posts are revealing
enough to show that you don't. But I think that you were
so accustomed to going without allies in your youth you
don't realize the need right now. There must be something
short term locally.
And while family of origin issues are important they are
not the whole story. There's other forms of trauma and
betrayal too.
--
but the edge is still Out there. Or maybe it's In... HST (1967)
when i got to the edge , i built a deck % (2005)
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| User: "Rhiannon" |
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| Title: Re: @@ More stuff @@ |
15 Apr 2005 09:29:30 AM |
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"Contrarian" <adrba65@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:c0G7e.63514$NC6.25064@newsread1.mlpsca01.us.to.verio.net...
Rosena <filpriros@aol.com> wrote:
Yes, therapy is in order I think - been too long trying to cope by
myself and not doing great job.
yes, you can't do it on your own. did you get my messages?
But true opinion? I think just getting back on damn wagon
"dry drunks" are miserable. you need "real life" contacts.
I think the drama and uniqueness of your predicament has
misled you into thinking you have to deal with it solo;
this is a grave error >>> because of the dangers if you
don't cope well enough. Dear R. I don't think you have
any secret pride about this mess; your posts are revealing
enough to show that you don't. But I think that you were
so accustomed to going without allies in your youth you
don't realize the need right now. There must be something
short term locally.
And while family of origin issues are important they are
not the whole story. There's other forms of trauma and
betrayal too.
Tell me about it. Sigh...
Don't you agree though that our family origin issues are what set us up for
other forms of trauma and betrayal? Make us targets. I escaped my parents
home when I was 18 and moved into my own apartment. Problem was, I left
there with a bulls painted on me. Seems I could never escape that. Never
wash off the imprint they left behind. And every Jackal within a hundred
mile radius could smell prey in the air.
--
rhianon@sympatico.ca
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| User: "Patience" |
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| Title: Re: @@ More stuff @@ |
15 Apr 2005 11:12:40 AM |
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It is interesting to me, Rhiannon.
Because you spoke with such strength and wisdom, I foolishly assumed
that you were one of the lucky ones, who was
smart/wise/strong/blessed/lucky/etc. enough to have had a fairly sweet
ride on the waters of this life (which have half-drowned so many of
us). I say foolish, because I now realize, "How you could you have
gained such wisdom without suffering very-trying times?"
I learn.
Thank you for your contribution,
Patience
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| User: "Rhiannon" |
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| Title: Re: @@ More stuff @@ |
19 Apr 2005 01:08:02 PM |
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"Patience" <christopher@ak.net> wrote in message
news:1113581560.047559.30470@f14g2000cwb.googlegroups.com...
It is interesting to me, Rhiannon.
Because you spoke with such strength and wisdom, I foolishly assumed
that you were one of the lucky ones, who was
smart/wise/strong/blessed/lucky/etc. enough to have had a fairly sweet
ride on the waters of this life (which have half-drowned so many of
us). I say foolish, because I now realize, "How you could you have
gained such wisdom without suffering very-trying times?"
I learn.
Thank you for your contribution,
Patience
What a lovely post. Thank you.
I have done my share of hard time. Known the dark waters you speak of.
Some days it seems I have lived for a hundred years. An old soul most often
in battle who has learned a lot. Despite it all - even in the midst of
insanity - I
have overcome on some fronts. My beautiful and amazing sons - now 15 and
19 - will always remain my greatest accomplishment. Seems that much of my
struggle before them has paled and after them become worthwhile. I am both
blessed and lucky to be here at all. And right now - in the moment - here -
is a nice place to be.
--
rhianon@sympatico.ca
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| User: "Rhiannon" |
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| Title: Re: @@ More stuff @@ |
15 Apr 2005 09:32:19 AM |
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"Contrarian" <adrba65@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:c0G7e.63514$NC6.25064@newsread1.mlpsca01.us.to.verio.net...
Rosena <filpriros@aol.com> wrote:
Yes, therapy is in order I think - been too long trying to cope by
myself and not doing great job.
yes, you can't do it on your own. did you get my messages?
But true opinion? I think just getting back on damn wagon
"dry drunks" are miserable. you need "real life" contacts.
I think the drama and uniqueness of your predicament has
misled you into thinking you have to deal with it solo;
this is a grave error >>> because of the dangers if you
don't cope well enough. Dear R. I don't think you have
any secret pride about this mess; your posts are revealing
enough to show that you don't. But I think that you were
so accustomed to going without allies in your youth you
don't realize the need right now. There must be something
short term locally.
And while family of origin issues are important they are
not the whole story. There's other forms of trauma and
betrayal too.
Tell me about it. Sigh...
Don't you agree though that our family origin issues are what set us up for
other forms of trauma and betrayal? Make us targets. I escaped my parents
home when I was 18 and moved into my own apartment. Problem was, I left
there with a bulls-eye painted on me. Seems I could never escape that.
Never
wash off the imprint they left behind. And every Jackal within a hundred
mile radius could smell prey in the air.
--
rhianon@sympatico.ca
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| User: "Contrarian" |
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| Title: Re: @@ More stuff @@ |
14 Apr 2005 09:45:08 PM |
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Rosena <filpriros@aol.com> wrote:
Okay - for any who have been following this, I am going to try to lay
out in a concise fashion the last 48 hours. Why, I am interested if
anyone sees something I should see too.
What drove me nuts to the point of insanity Monday was that my friend
Linda wrote John and asked him not to write me for my welfare.
Umm, aargh. Contact with the enemy I'd call that. Even well intentioned
contact has its dangers.
He didn't writing her back saying how it was best for me.
so what was best for you? that he should write?
I blew my lid that 1) she would treat me like a 6 year old
I would just say she shouldn't mix in. Some therapists have
words to describe this sort of situation, but they have escaped
my mind.
He wrote me a brief email, to say another email is coming. Okay this is
point:
1. I KNEW he'd do this for he wishes to remain in good standing with
other professors, Linda being one.
oh oh oh. This enmeshedness is serious. it's almost worse than
a custody dispute.
3. My plan, goal, and committment is not to respond to John's email
when it comes (I could write it myself - I know what it will say) but
rather to let it all lay there. To go back to silence and try to stay
on wagon. No contact.
YES!
Don't dial pain.
Don't dial pain.
Don't dial pain.
get the flavor?
But somehow I feel more in control and that makes me feel more sane.
But I am not controlling John, of course. Yet, when I insist he can't
snub me and that works, I feel relief. It isn't about John but about
being closed out that gets me insane?? Why??
yes. but I am too dull right now to describe it.
--
but the edge is still Out there. Or maybe it's In... HST (1967)
when i got to the edge , i built a deck % (2005)
.
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| User: "% . surfs@uniserve" |
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| Title: Re: @@ More stuff @@ |
13 Apr 2005 04:32:21 PM |
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i tried following along ,
but the same story is just getting longer ,
it will never be resolved until you take the action to resolve it ,
just think , you might even have to post like this one day , " Today , Was A Good Day "
"Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com> wrote in message news:1113427313.454497.164360@l41g2000cwc.googlegroups.com...
:
: Okay - for any who have been following this, I am going to try to lay
: out in a concise fashion the last 48 hours. Why, I am interested if
: anyone sees something I should see too.
:
: What drove me nuts to the point of insanity Monday was that my friend
: Linda wrote John and asked him not to write me for my welfare. He
: didn't writing her back saying how it was best for me. I blew my lid
: that 1) she would treat me like a 6 year old and 2) that he wrapped
: himself in honorable justification. As you all know, I really really
: lost it.
:
: I talked to my friend Linda and she was presuaded that she over-stepped
: herself, and saw that what she did made me feel more "disempowered" as
: she put it. She wrote John, asked him to speak to me directly (thru
: email) and wished we'd both stop.
:
: He wrote me a brief email, to say another email is coming. Okay this is
: point:
:
: 1. I KNEW he'd do this for he wishes to remain in good standing with
: other professors, Linda being one.
:
: 2. I felt mental relief when Linda respected my judgment, said she
: respected by judgment, and acted on that. I calmed down immeidately,
: NOTE, the point is not that he would write, but that she did not try to
: constrain my freedom to write IF I choose to.
:
: 3. My plan, goal, and committment is not to respond to John's email
: when it comes (I could write it myself - I know what it will say) but
: rather to let it all lay there. To go back to silence and try to stay
: on wagon. No contact.
:
: But somehow I feel more in control and that makes me feel more sane.
: But I am not controlling John, of course. Yet, when I insist he can't
: snub me and that works, I feel relief. It isn't about John but about
: being closed out that gets me insane?? Why??
:
: Rosena
:
.
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| User: "Rosena" |
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| Title: Re: @@ More stuff @@ |
13 Apr 2005 05:01:59 PM |
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Actually today WAS a good day. My students were great, it was sunny
and nice, I was prepared, and all seemed "okay" - not fantastic, but
okay. Yes, you are right, posts titled "today was a good day" are the
thing to aim for - I will be posting that.
Rosena
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| User: "% . surfs@uniserve" |
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| Title: Re: @@ More stuff @@ |
13 Apr 2005 05:08:27 PM |
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"Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com> wrote in message news:1113429718.992500.181830@f14g2000cwb.googlegroups.com...
: Actually today WAS a good day. My students were great, it was sunny
: and nice, I was prepared, and all seemed "okay" - not fantastic, but
: okay. Yes, you are right, posts titled "today was a good day" are the
: thing to aim for - I will be posting that.
:
: Rosena
:
cool , i'm waiting
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