| Topic: |
Sociology > Depression |
| User: |
"Aguy" |
| Date: |
10 Jan 2004 11:48:00 AM |
| Object: |
* Need Help... Severe depression...** |
Forgive me for reposting this but I am using google as my newsreader
which I have summized is a mistake and I thought I was creating a new
thread last night when I posted my message. I had someone reply back
to me referring to others who have posted replies and I can't see
them. I have obviously realized I need to get a real newsreader, but
in the mean time I am reposting my letter with a new header that I
hope will be unique and not be added to an old thread but actually
create a new one.
Hello
I am not sure if this is the correct place to post my message. I
need help and have no idea how to get it. I am a 38 year old male,
married to a wonderful woman who loves me and would do anything for
me. We have 4 children. My two oldest are girls, age 6, & age 4. My
Two boys are the youngest at age 23 months and age 11 months. My
family and I are a part of a Christian faith and attend fairly
regularly but I feel lonely and empty there even though I know I want
to be in this particular faith. I am a self-employed Computer
programmer that is currently out of work. My wife has ended up taking
a job in which she is able to bring in enough to make our house and
car payment. I on the other hand have become almost useless. She
basically spends most of her time trying to cheer my up and keep me
from committing suicide. I probably don't really want to commit
suicide. I just want to cease to exist.
My problems seem endless. I am extremely hypersensitive to people and
nearly beg for their friendship when I first meet them. We have many
good friends that do enjoy being with us and I know love us. I have a
complicated personality. I love to be the center of attention and to
make people laugh, which I am fairly good at as I have a knack with
humor, but absolutely am devastated when I think people are laughing
AT me or talking about me behind my back, which I think about all the
time. Weird huh?
When someone hurts my feelings I can spend all night long crying about
it. I feel like a complete baby that I am as old as I am, and a man
No less, and that I STILL act this way and have the same massive
insecurities and worries. I know a lot of it stems from my childhood
and again it's ridiculous but I still deeply hurt from the events that
happened to me. I know this is going to sound like a boo-hoo story,
but I don't know how else to explain it. We grew up in a small town
and we were extremely poor and backward. I had bucked-teeth and was
made fun of constantly from 1st grade until I graduated from high
school. Every single day of school I was terrified that I would get
beat up by the bullies that new I would cry or get my feelings hurt.
I never learned that it would have stopped if I just would have stood
up to 2 or 3 of them, even if I would have got my clock cleaned, they
would have left my alone after that. I also could never stop letting
it hurt me. As a result of this I still to this day rehears
incredibly embarrassing moments that happened years ago and play them
over and over in my mind and have murderous revengeful anger towards
these people. I now don't have to teeth problem anymore and I we
live in a slightly upper-middle class neighborhood so I don't feel
like I"m the poor boy. But I still feel backward as I never finished
my formal education and in the back of my mind I always just know that
people will find out the truth. That I am just a loser from a small
town that will eventually amount to nothing. zero. My self-esteem
now is affected by the fact that I'm 50 pounds overweight. I always
feel people see me as just the wimpy fat guy now. On top of this I
have massive panic attacks. I have been taking xanax and Klonipin
which have helped with those but not the overall problem.
The terrorist attacks and the economy have been incredibly
devastating. I have been an extremely worrier. The type the fears
the end of the world, earthquakes, tornadoes and other national
disasters, death of loved ones, and also the extreme fear of not being
able to provide for my family which right now has become a
self-fulfulling prophecy. I feel frozen. Completely afraid to go out
into the world and even attempt to look for a job. The 90's were
really good to me as there were to many people I guess. I felt like
I was on top of the world and we were able to build a home that though
many would think it was just a generic track-home, in my eyes it is my
dream home, something I never ever in my wildest dreams did I ever
think I would have. Now however I feel like I sink more every day.
I hate life. I want to die. I want god to take me. This has
lasted for about a year and a half. Basically when I began losing my
clientele due to the cutbacks. My ego road largely on my ability to
make over $100 k a year. I know that many people don't even see that
and that I was fortunate and even spoiled in some respects to get that
for the time that I did.
As I said before I constantly get my feelings hurt by people. It's
usually by the snoot in the community that intentionally leaves us out
of a social gathering, or the arrogant guy that puts you down to make
himself feel better. Or because someone that I think likes me,
doesn't wave or appears to ignore me that day. Years ago when I was
attending college I went to two different therapists and the results
were the same. I don't think back then that I knew as much about
myself, but nevertheless, all these guys did was just listen to my
pathetic ramblings and then basically say "see you next week"...as I
walked out to the reception desk to pay my $100 a week. I shelled out
a lot of money having them just LISTEN to me. In my opinion that was
a damn rip off. They did nothing for me. No assignments no helpful
tools that I could use to change my behavioral thinking, no books to
read, NOTHING. It was complete *****.
My entire family (not my wife and kids, but my siblings and mother)
are on anti-depressants and most of them I guess have had success. I
on the other hand have tried Prozac (no change whatsoever), wellbutrin
(no change), Lexapro (not really much of a change), and now Zoloft
which I have only been on for 3 weeks. The lexapro I was on for 6
months but as I said no real change. I can't tell anything yet.
Lexapro was the only one that I tried to adjust the dosage with. I
went from 10 milligrams to 20. no change. I'm taking 100 Mg of
zoloft right now but as I said, nothing yet.
I desire so much to become hardened....to have a thick shell so that
people aren't able to hurt me so terribly or even at all. When they
know they can, they will. I want to become tough for once. THERE
HAS GOT TO BE A WAY TO ATTAIN THIS and I have a hard time believing
that a pill will do the job. I know I somehow have to get rid of the
baggage of my childhood but it is damn hard when not one of those
bullies ever fricken apologized for anything. I don't know how to
forgive someone who hasn't felt remorse for something they did to me
that was so cruel day after day. Even some of my teachers joined in,
which was particularly devistating. I was always so embarassed to
have girls (which I always had crushes on) witness these situations.
Part of my wants to find some of these people and put my gun to their
heads and pull the trigger until it clicks then reload and blow myself
away.
I am highly skeptical of the whole chemical imbalance thing in the
first place and feel like all of these medicines are quite
over-prescribed and that I as a 38 year old man should be able to just
get over it for hell sakes and get it together once and for all. I
feel like the anti-depressants say that I'm not responsible for my
behavior and massive insecurities and hurt feelings. And as I said I
don't have much faith in therapists.
I know this whole letter is completely pathetic. I have no need for
trolls or flamers to reinforce that I'm an idiot. I sincerely ask,
even plead for help from anyone out there that might steer me to some
literature or help of any kind to help me. I am so tired of being so
thin skinned, so tired of wondering what people are saying about me
when I know in the back of my mind they rarely have time to think of
me at all. I am tired of being such a burden on my wife, who I might
say is as solid as a rock. She is very even keeled. I take my anger
out on her, and on my children and it is completely not fair. I don't
abuse them physically. But when I'm hurting about something I yell at
them which I know is damaging alone. I don't think there is any
excuse for acting that way. That is why I feel like my kids would be
better without me sometimes. My Dad was much harder on me when I was
a child. I had a whipping every day as my dad had an awful temper. He
was sort of a jeckle and hide though. He also was a very loving and
compassionate and affectionate man and I love him dearly to this day.
I have forgiven him years ago and pray that he knows that I ask him to
forgive me for fighting back as I became a teenager.
I know this letter has been long and I know it's sounds so wimpy. If
you think you truly can help me and not flame, please post a reply.
Thank you in advance. I am desperate.
.
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| User: "JohnM" |
|
| Title: Re: * Need Help... Severe depression...** |
10 Jan 2004 02:19:53 PM |
|
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Hi Aguy....I am responding because I think I have something that can
help you. The feelings and symptoms you describe I have also had ,s well as
a lot of financial problems. But now I am doing better as I have learned
techniues to use in dealing with these symptoms and feelings as well as the
common frustrations of daily life. I wil give you a couple links to go to
for information on Recovery, Inc., which offers the self help method I use.
Then, if you dont mind, I will "spot" or use quotes from the book we read on
your post here....I hope that will help you and you may then decide to
explore further.....
The links....
Recovery forum, for questions and posting examples of practice o the method,
plus member spottings.
http://www.recovery-inc.org/members/forums/default.asp
The home page of Recovery, Inc.....
http://www.recovery-inc.org/
A mail list to join that sends daily quotes from the works of Dr. Abraham
Low, founder of Recovery, to your email address....
http://www.recovery-inc.org/maillist.php
Okay, now for some "spotting" on your post.....
I am a self-employed Computer
programmer that is currently out of work. My wife has ended up taking
a job in which she is able to bring in enough to make our house and
car payment. I on the other hand have become almost useless. She
basically spends most of her time trying to cheer my up and keep me
from committing suicide. I probably don't really want to commit
suicide. I just want to cease to exist.
It is average to face a period of unemployment. The situation is
distressing but not dangerous. Thoughts of suicide are also average for
people with lowered feelings. A spouse going to work while the husband is
ill or out of work for a period is also average.
My problems seem endless. I am extremely hypersensitive to people and
nearly beg for their friendship when I first meet them.
As nervous patients (we have nervous symptoms), we want everyone to
like us. This is average. Outer approval is a want, inner approval is a
need. We are also an extremely sensitive lot. We are also courageous and
capable, just sometimes our fears paralyze us.
As a result of this I still to this day rehears
incredibly embarrassing moments that happened years ago and play them
over and over in my mind and have murderous revengeful anger towards
these people.
I spot reviewing and previewing and this just keeps us in symptoms
(reviewing of past events and previewing of what might happen). The past is
part of the outer environment (anything outside our muscles) and we cant
control the outer environment.
. On top of this I
have massive panic attacks. I have been taking xanax and Klonipin
which have helped with those but not the overall problem.
I used to have panic attacks also, and they are distressing I know.
But I have learned that my symptoms are merely distressing and not
damgerous. This may seem trite in view of the agonies you go through in an
attack, but I dont get them much anymore because I dont "work myself up"
over the triivialities of daily life or over things I cant control, not like
I used to anyway. I also spot for myself that my sensations are distressing
but not dangerous, and the symptoms, panicky feelings etc fade away. At
first they would come back, but then I wouldspot again and gradually they
stayed awayfor longer periods of time.
The terrorist attacks and the economy have been incredibly
devastating. I have been an extremely worrier. The type the fears
the end of the world, earthquakes, tornadoes and other national
disasters, death of loved ones, and also the extreme fear of not being
able to provide for my family which right now has become a
self-fulfulling prophecy. I feel frozen. Completely afraid to go out
into the world and even attempt to look for a job.
During the period around 9/11 I stayed away from viewing a lot of news.
It simply was not good for my mental health. Recovery teaches us that we
can change our thoughts. So I lay game or read a good book etc. Also, I
live in NY, but I spotted that though it was possible that an attack could
occur where I work, it was not probable. We have to spot possibilities
versus probabilities.
My ego road largely on my ability to
make over $100 k a year. I know that many people don't even see that
and that I was fortunate and even spoiled in some respects to get that
for the time that I did.
What you've done once you can do again and again. You know that you
dont know that you wont find a new job, perhaps even a better one.
As I said before I constantly get my feelings hurt by people. It's
usually by the snoot in the community that intentionally leaves us out
of a social gathering, or the arrogant guy that puts you down to make
himself feel better.
The outer environment can e rude, crude or indifferent but is not aiming
at us (it would be rude, crude or indifferent to anyone). Hurt feelings
are beliefs not shared. Also, who are we not to get our toes stepped on
once in awhile? We want the outer environment to tiptoe around us, and not
say or do certain things.
No assignments no helpful
tools that I could use to change my behavioral thinking, no books to
read, NOTHING. It was complete *****.
The main book I read for Recovery is "Mental Health Through Will
Training", available at many libraries. It can also be bought directly from
Recovery's main office or even online. There are many local groups meeting
throughout the US and other countries. The website has a list of meetings.
Reading the book and going to meetings we learn the recovery method to
regain our mental health, which becomes our supreme goal.
I know I somehow have to get rid of the
baggage of my childhood but it is damn hard when not one of those
bullies ever fricken apologized for anything. I don't know how to
forgive someone who hasn't felt remorse for something they did to me
that was so cruel day after day. Even some of my teachers joined in,
which was particularly devistating. I was always so embarassed to
have girls (which I always had crushes on) witness these situations.
Part of my wants to find some of these people and put my gun to their
heads and pull the trigger until it clicks then reload and blow myself
away.
We have to excuse rather than accuse for the sake of our mental health.
Because we might be steaming, sleepless, wracked by symptoms because of
something someone said or did, and they are relaxed and having a good time.
I also spot again the reviewing and previewing, which just keeps us in
symptoms.
I feel like the anti-depressants say that I'm not responsible for my
behavior and massive insecurities and hurt feelings. And as I said I
don't have much faith in therapists.
Okay...Recovery is not a replacement for therapy or medication, but an
addition to it. In recovery we gain self respect as we practice controlling
our impulses. We learn that we can control our thoughts and muscles. What
you said about being responsble for your behavior seems to fit in with this,
controlling behavior. This is just the way I see it anyway.
I know this whole letter is completely pathetic.
Everything you have written is totally average for someone with a mental
illness such as depression. We are not responsible for the illness, for
perhaps having a weakened nervous system, but we are responsible Dr. Low
says, once we learn the recovery techniques, for practicing them in order to
get well. He also said that everyone has some system in their body that is
not perfect, whether its the stomach, the lungs or the nervous system. It
would be vain to expect that all our systems should be perfect.
But when I'm hurting about something I yell at
them which I know is damaging alone. I don't think there is any
excuse for acting that way. That is why I feel like my kids would be
better without me sometimes.
I used to yell also at times. But I have learned to control my speech
muscles. It also takes time and practice.
If you think you truly can help me and not flame, please post a reply.
Okay Aguy, I hope something in what I wrote helps you. At the very least
you are not alone....this newsgroup is filled with people with the same kind
of illness and many of the same daily problems. Also when I go to my
Recovery group I see many other people who are in the same boat with me.
So, welcome aboard! ;-)
.
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| User: "Nom dePlume nomdeplume1000-at-yahoo.com" |
|
| Title: Re: * Need Help... Severe depression...** |
11 Jan 2004 02:06:43 AM |
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A couple of things come to mind here. First, I had some of the same
kind of problems you had as a child, so I can sympathize. I, too, can
be oversensitive to comments other people make. On the other hand, I
also have a hard edge, and people don't generally want to cross me. I
don't think this is so much the case that people sense any kind of
danger in me, as it is that I have confidence that I can squash an
attacker if I need to. The result is that I come across as confident
and self-assured, and not the sort who people feel an instinctive urge
to kick.
You don't seem to have this hard edge, or feeling of self confidence.
I'd guess this hurts you in two ways: Internally, because you feel
like a victim, and externally, because you project "kick me" vibes to
people around you. (I don't know you, mind, so I'm just guessing. If
I'm off base, please excuse me.)
Other posters have said that you need to deal with your childhood
baggage, and I'd agree. I'd also agree that you are more likely to
succeed if you have a good therapist helping you, though it can be
hard to find one. Your hypersensitivity, though, sounds like it might
be a type of anxiety that is treatable with medication. If so, the
medication may not be a cure all by itself, but it could help you feel
a lot better in the near term while you are trying to cope with these
issues. So my recommendation would be dual: Work with a therapist
about the issues that trouble you, and see a psychiatrist regarding
medication that could ease your life significantly at the same time.
"Aguy" <utterlypathetic@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:cdb48530.0401100948.499f8b19@posting.google.com...
My entire family (not my wife and kids, but my siblings and mother)
are on anti-depressants and most of them I guess have had success.
This suggests that a tendency towards emotional disorders run in your
family (or that a tendency towards pill-pushers runs in your
community). If so, then your condition may make more sense.
I on the other hand have tried Prozac (no change whatsoever),
wellbutrin
(no change), Lexapro (not really much of a change), and now Zoloft
which I have only been on for 3 weeks. The lexapro I was on for 6
months but as I said no real change. I can't tell anything yet.
Lexapro was the only one that I tried to adjust the dosage with. I
went from 10 milligrams to 20. no change. I'm taking 100 Mg of
zoloft right now but as I said, nothing yet.
If you are having a problem with anxiety, rather than depression, then
antidepressants may not be the right category of medication for you.
Anti-anxiety agents would likely be more appropriate.
I desire so much to become hardened....to have a thick shell so that
people aren't able to hurt me so terribly or even at all. When
they
know they can, they will. I want to become tough for once. THERE
HAS GOT TO BE A WAY TO ATTAIN THIS and I have a hard time believing
that a pill will do the job.
I've never quite figured out how to do this. I'm probably more
hardened than I was 20 years ago, but not tremendously. The big
difference is that I feel I can whale the tar out of anyone who tries
to screw with me. As a result, I feel more confident and relaxed, I
don't radiate kick-me vibes, people don't attack me, and I never have
to retaliate. The knowledge that I can fight leads to a life situation
in which I don't need to. This may seem counterintuitive, but it
works.
I am highly skeptical of the whole chemical imbalance thing in the
first place and feel like all of these medicines are quite
over-prescribed
"Chemical imbalance" is just a label of convenience that some people
use. All that is really known is that antidepressants modify
neurotransmitter chemistry, and alleviate depression in many people.
How you choose to describe this situation is less important.
and that I as a 38 year old man should be able to just
get over it for hell sakes and get it together once and for all.
If only it were that easy! Sadly, feeling that one ought to be "able
to get over it" doesn't help much, and the reality is that getting
over some things is difficult, or even impossible. This doesn't mean
that nothing can be done, but the solutions may involve different
approaches than "getting over it."
I feel like the anti-depressants say that I'm not responsible for my
behavior and massive insecurities and hurt feelings.
I understand, and have had feelings like this too, but the reality is
that you are "responsible" only for what you can actually do. Serious
depression (or anxiety, mania, or other organic brain disorders) are
not things you can "will away," any more than you can will away a
headache or sprained wrist. (And if you can, please teach me how!)
And as I said I don't have much faith in therapists.
Ah. You aren't likely to find many people with less faith in
therapists than me. I've seen 9 therapists over the last 7 years. Of
these, 2 were what I would call good, 1 was so-so, and the rest were
either useless or downright harmful. Still, there were those 2. A good
therapist may be able to help you with your problems. I have no way to
tell.
I know this whole letter is completely pathetic.
There is nothing at all pathetic about feeling down, depressed,
anxious, or any of the other problems that bring people here. You have
a problem, and you are looking for ways to deal with it. That is
admirable, and I suggest you think of yourself as the kind of person
who is admirable, for this reason. You have not yet found your
solution, so you are working on ways and means. You are using this
forum as a resource, which it is, and that is what it is for.
In short, you're doing the right things, for the right reasons. That's
good. Keep it up. Don't let confused feelings about how you feel
sidetrack your efforts. And don't become consumed with guilt over how
you feel, or how poorly you function now. Your goal is to find your
solution, and you need to keep your eye on the ball.
This post is short on specifics because I'm not a doctor or
psychologist, and I can't diagnose your problems, provide meaningful
therapy, or write prescriptions. What I hope you can take away from
this is encouragement to seek the help you need from people who can
actually provide it.
1) Please see a good psychiatrist (not a General Practitioner / Family
Doctor) about your condition. You may already have one, but in your
shoes, I'd seek a second opinion from someone qualified to offer it. I
would especially want to investigate the possibility that you have an
anxiety problem.
2) Please also look for a better therapist. I don't know where you
live, but there are referral services in many cities, to be found in
the Yellow Pages or on the Web.
Good luck, and let us know you are doing.
--
Nom dePlume, Ph.D
Why, yes, in fact, I am a rocket scientist.
.
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| User: "Used2Be" |
|
| Title: Re: * Need Help... Severe depression...** |
11 Jan 2004 09:00:56 AM |
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Another option is "cognitive behavioral therapy" which will teach you how to
deal with problems head on as they come instead of concentrating on the
past. As Pumba on the Lion King movie says, "You've got to put your behind
in the past." ;-) Yeah, he got it backwards, but you get the drift. We
can't change the past so you have to leave it behind. We have to learn to
deal with the "here and now" and let go of the past. And let go of all of
the useless fear about what may or may not happen tomorrow as well (since
you have no control over that and no crystal ball). As I learned in Al
Anon, "when we have one foot stuck in yesterday and the other foot stuck in
tomorrow, we ***** all over today." Stop pissing all over your "todays" and
start living life again. Or start living life for the first time. It's
never to late to start all over and you only get once chance at it, so you
gotta make it count!
Hugs,
used2be
--
*************************************************************
"Change your thoughts and you change your world." ~ Norman Vincent Peale
"Aguy" <utterlypathetic@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:cdb48530.0401100948.499f8b19@posting.google.com...
Forgive me for reposting this but I am using google as my newsreader
which I have summized is a mistake and I thought I was creating a new
thread last night when I posted my message. I had someone reply back
to me referring to others who have posted replies and I can't see
them. I have obviously realized I need to get a real newsreader, but
in the mean time I am reposting my letter with a new header that I
hope will be unique and not be added to an old thread but actually
create a new one.
Hello
I am not sure if this is the correct place to post my message. I
need help and have no idea how to get it. I am a 38 year old male,
married to a wonderful woman who loves me and would do anything for
me. We have 4 children. My two oldest are girls, age 6, & age 4. My
Two boys are the youngest at age 23 months and age 11 months. My
family and I are a part of a Christian faith and attend fairly
regularly but I feel lonely and empty there even though I know I want
to be in this particular faith. I am a self-employed Computer
programmer that is currently out of work. My wife has ended up taking
a job in which she is able to bring in enough to make our house and
car payment. I on the other hand have become almost useless. She
basically spends most of her time trying to cheer my up and keep me
from committing suicide. I probably don't really want to commit
suicide. I just want to cease to exist.
My problems seem endless. I am extremely hypersensitive to people and
nearly beg for their friendship when I first meet them. We have many
good friends that do enjoy being with us and I know love us. I have a
complicated personality. I love to be the center of attention and to
make people laugh, which I am fairly good at as I have a knack with
humor, but absolutely am devastated when I think people are laughing
AT me or talking about me behind my back, which I think about all the
time. Weird huh?
When someone hurts my feelings I can spend all night long crying about
it. I feel like a complete baby that I am as old as I am, and a man
No less, and that I STILL act this way and have the same massive
insecurities and worries. I know a lot of it stems from my childhood
and again it's ridiculous but I still deeply hurt from the events that
happened to me. I know this is going to sound like a boo-hoo story,
but I don't know how else to explain it. We grew up in a small town
and we were extremely poor and backward. I had bucked-teeth and was
made fun of constantly from 1st grade until I graduated from high
school. Every single day of school I was terrified that I would get
beat up by the bullies that new I would cry or get my feelings hurt.
I never learned that it would have stopped if I just would have stood
up to 2 or 3 of them, even if I would have got my clock cleaned, they
would have left my alone after that. I also could never stop letting
it hurt me. As a result of this I still to this day rehears
incredibly embarrassing moments that happened years ago and play them
over and over in my mind and have murderous revengeful anger towards
these people. I now don't have to teeth problem anymore and I we
live in a slightly upper-middle class neighborhood so I don't feel
like I"m the poor boy. But I still feel backward as I never finished
my formal education and in the back of my mind I always just know that
people will find out the truth. That I am just a loser from a small
town that will eventually amount to nothing. zero. My self-esteem
now is affected by the fact that I'm 50 pounds overweight. I always
feel people see me as just the wimpy fat guy now. On top of this I
have massive panic attacks. I have been taking xanax and Klonipin
which have helped with those but not the overall problem.
The terrorist attacks and the economy have been incredibly
devastating. I have been an extremely worrier. The type the fears
the end of the world, earthquakes, tornadoes and other national
disasters, death of loved ones, and also the extreme fear of not being
able to provide for my family which right now has become a
self-fulfulling prophecy. I feel frozen. Completely afraid to go out
into the world and even attempt to look for a job. The 90's were
really good to me as there were to many people I guess. I felt like
I was on top of the world and we were able to build a home that though
many would think it was just a generic track-home, in my eyes it is my
dream home, something I never ever in my wildest dreams did I ever
think I would have. Now however I feel like I sink more every day.
I hate life. I want to die. I want god to take me. This has
lasted for about a year and a half. Basically when I began losing my
clientele due to the cutbacks. My ego road largely on my ability to
make over $100 k a year. I know that many people don't even see that
and that I was fortunate and even spoiled in some respects to get that
for the time that I did.
As I said before I constantly get my feelings hurt by people. It's
usually by the snoot in the community that intentionally leaves us out
of a social gathering, or the arrogant guy that puts you down to make
himself feel better. Or because someone that I think likes me,
doesn't wave or appears to ignore me that day. Years ago when I was
attending college I went to two different therapists and the results
were the same. I don't think back then that I knew as much about
myself, but nevertheless, all these guys did was just listen to my
pathetic ramblings and then basically say "see you next week"...as I
walked out to the reception desk to pay my $100 a week. I shelled out
a lot of money having them just LISTEN to me. In my opinion that was
a damn rip off. They did nothing for me. No assignments no helpful
tools that I could use to change my behavioral thinking, no books to
read, NOTHING. It was complete *****.
My entire family (not my wife and kids, but my siblings and mother)
are on anti-depressants and most of them I guess have had success. I
on the other hand have tried Prozac (no change whatsoever), wellbutrin
(no change), Lexapro (not really much of a change), and now Zoloft
which I have only been on for 3 weeks. The lexapro I was on for 6
months but as I said no real change. I can't tell anything yet.
Lexapro was the only one that I tried to adjust the dosage with. I
went from 10 milligrams to 20. no change. I'm taking 100 Mg of
zoloft right now but as I said, nothing yet.
I desire so much to become hardened....to have a thick shell so that
people aren't able to hurt me so terribly or even at all. When they
know they can, they will. I want to become tough for once. THERE
HAS GOT TO BE A WAY TO ATTAIN THIS and I have a hard time believing
that a pill will do the job. I know I somehow have to get rid of the
baggage of my childhood but it is damn hard when not one of those
bullies ever fricken apologized for anything. I don't know how to
forgive someone who hasn't felt remorse for something they did to me
that was so cruel day after day. Even some of my teachers joined in,
which was particularly devistating. I was always so embarassed to
have girls (which I always had crushes on) witness these situations.
Part of my wants to find some of these people and put my gun to their
heads and pull the trigger until it clicks then reload and blow myself
away.
I am highly skeptical of the whole chemical imbalance thing in the
first place and feel like all of these medicines are quite
over-prescribed and that I as a 38 year old man should be able to just
get over it for hell sakes and get it together once and for all. I
feel like the anti-depressants say that I'm not responsible for my
behavior and massive insecurities and hurt feelings. And as I said I
don't have much faith in therapists.
I know this whole letter is completely pathetic. I have no need for
trolls or flamers to reinforce that I'm an idiot. I sincerely ask,
even plead for help from anyone out there that might steer me to some
literature or help of any kind to help me. I am so tired of being so
thin skinned, so tired of wondering what people are saying about me
when I know in the back of my mind they rarely have time to think of
me at all. I am tired of being such a burden on my wife, who I might
say is as solid as a rock. She is very even keeled. I take my anger
out on her, and on my children and it is completely not fair. I don't
abuse them physically. But when I'm hurting about something I yell at
them which I know is damaging alone. I don't think there is any
excuse for acting that way. That is why I feel like my kids would be
better without me sometimes. My Dad was much harder on me when I was
a child. I had a whipping every day as my dad had an awful temper. He
was sort of a jeckle and hide though. He also was a very loving and
compassionate and affectionate man and I love him dearly to this day.
I have forgiven him years ago and pray that he knows that I ask him to
forgive me for fighting back as I became a teenager.
I know this letter has been long and I know it's sounds so wimpy. If
you think you truly can help me and not flame, please post a reply.
Thank you in advance. I am desperate.
.
|
|
|
|
| User: "juno7" |
|
| Title: Re: * Need Help... Severe depression...** |
10 Jan 2004 01:57:47 PM |
|
|
Listen - hang in there. You need to empower yourself. You have to realize
that "feelings follow actions" and not the other way around. Your waiting to
feel good about yourself before you do good things for yourself. It dont
work that way. Its like when the house is a mess, who ever feels like
cleaning it? But once you start, you get into it, and before your know it,
the house is clean. Your immobilized by inaction and the only cure for you
is ACTION.
If you want help - do this:
1. Make a list of the things in life that you want to have
2. Make a list of the things in your life you want to change
3. Make a list of actions you can take to begin the process of #1 and #2
When you do this, you will begin to feel empowered. Start with your weight.
Commit to losing 50lbs. Go buy the book 'Body for Life' by Bill Phillips and
commit to a 12 week program. Your life will turn around i garuntee it.
Your simply missing passion for life, youve allowed yourself to give up so
much courage. FOLLOW MY ADVICE - see what happens.
"Aguy" <utterlypathetic@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:cdb48530.0401100948.499f8b19@posting.google.com...
Forgive me for reposting this but I am using google as my newsreader
which I have summized is a mistake and I thought I was creating a new
thread last night when I posted my message. I had someone reply back
to me referring to others who have posted replies and I can't see
them. I have obviously realized I need to get a real newsreader, but
in the mean time I am reposting my letter with a new header that I
hope will be unique and not be added to an old thread but actually
create a new one.
Hello
I am not sure if this is the correct place to post my message. I
need help and have no idea how to get it. I am a 38 year old male,
married to a wonderful woman who loves me and would do anything for
me. We have 4 children. My two oldest are girls, age 6, & age 4. My
Two boys are the youngest at age 23 months and age 11 months. My
family and I are a part of a Christian faith and attend fairly
regularly but I feel lonely and empty there even though I know I want
to be in this particular faith. I am a self-employed Computer
programmer that is currently out of work. My wife has ended up taking
a job in which she is able to bring in enough to make our house and
car payment. I on the other hand have become almost useless. She
basically spends most of her time trying to cheer my up and keep me
from committing suicide. I probably don't really want to commit
suicide. I just want to cease to exist.
My problems seem endless. I am extremely hypersensitive to people and
nearly beg for their friendship when I first meet them. We have many
good friends that do enjoy being with us and I know love us. I have a
complicated personality. I love to be the center of attention and to
make people laugh, which I am fairly good at as I have a knack with
humor, but absolutely am devastated when I think people are laughing
AT me or talking about me behind my back, which I think about all the
time. Weird huh?
When someone hurts my feelings I can spend all night long crying about
it. I feel like a complete baby that I am as old as I am, and a man
No less, and that I STILL act this way and have the same massive
insecurities and worries. I know a lot of it stems from my childhood
and again it's ridiculous but I still deeply hurt from the events that
happened to me. I know this is going to sound like a boo-hoo story,
but I don't know how else to explain it. We grew up in a small town
and we were extremely poor and backward. I had bucked-teeth and was
made fun of constantly from 1st grade until I graduated from high
school. Every single day of school I was terrified that I would get
beat up by the bullies that new I would cry or get my feelings hurt.
I never learned that it would have stopped if I just would have stood
up to 2 or 3 of them, even if I would have got my clock cleaned, they
would have left my alone after that. I also could never stop letting
it hurt me. As a result of this I still to this day rehears
incredibly embarrassing moments that happened years ago and play them
over and over in my mind and have murderous revengeful anger towards
these people. I now don't have to teeth problem anymore and I we
live in a slightly upper-middle class neighborhood so I don't feel
like I"m the poor boy. But I still feel backward as I never finished
my formal education and in the back of my mind I always just know that
people will find out the truth. That I am just a loser from a small
town that will eventually amount to nothing. zero. My self-esteem
now is affected by the fact that I'm 50 pounds overweight. I always
feel people see me as just the wimpy fat guy now. On top of this I
have massive panic attacks. I have been taking xanax and Klonipin
which have helped with those but not the overall problem.
The terrorist attacks and the economy have been incredibly
devastating. I have been an extremely worrier. The type the fears
the end of the world, earthquakes, tornadoes and other national
disasters, death of loved ones, and also the extreme fear of not being
able to provide for my family which right now has become a
self-fulfulling prophecy. I feel frozen. Completely afraid to go out
into the world and even attempt to look for a job. The 90's were
really good to me as there were to many people I guess. I felt like
I was on top of the world and we were able to build a home that though
many would think it was just a generic track-home, in my eyes it is my
dream home, something I never ever in my wildest dreams did I ever
think I would have. Now however I feel like I sink more every day.
I hate life. I want to die. I want god to take me. This has
lasted for about a year and a half. Basically when I began losing my
clientele due to the cutbacks. My ego road largely on my ability to
make over $100 k a year. I know that many people don't even see that
and that I was fortunate and even spoiled in some respects to get that
for the time that I did.
As I said before I constantly get my feelings hurt by people. It's
usually by the snoot in the community that intentionally leaves us out
of a social gathering, or the arrogant guy that puts you down to make
himself feel better. Or because someone that I think likes me,
doesn't wave or appears to ignore me that day. Years ago when I was
attending college I went to two different therapists and the results
were the same. I don't think back then that I knew as much about
myself, but nevertheless, all these guys did was just listen to my
pathetic ramblings and then basically say "see you next week"...as I
walked out to the reception desk to pay my $100 a week. I shelled out
a lot of money having them just LISTEN to me. In my opinion that was
a damn rip off. They did nothing for me. No assignments no helpful
tools that I could use to change my behavioral thinking, no books to
read, NOTHING. It was complete *****.
My entire family (not my wife and kids, but my siblings and mother)
are on anti-depressants and most of them I guess have had success. I
on the other hand have tried Prozac (no change whatsoever), wellbutrin
(no change), Lexapro (not really much of a change), and now Zoloft
which I have only been on for 3 weeks. The lexapro I was on for 6
months but as I said no real change. I can't tell anything yet.
Lexapro was the only one that I tried to adjust the dosage with. I
went from 10 milligrams to 20. no change. I'm taking 100 Mg of
zoloft right now but as I said, nothing yet.
I desire so much to become hardened....to have a thick shell so that
people aren't able to hurt me so terribly or even at all. When they
know they can, they will. I want to become tough for once. THERE
HAS GOT TO BE A WAY TO ATTAIN THIS and I have a hard time believing
that a pill will do the job. I know I somehow have to get rid of the
baggage of my childhood but it is damn hard when not one of those
bullies ever fricken apologized for anything. I don't know how to
forgive someone who hasn't felt remorse for something they did to me
that was so cruel day after day. Even some of my teachers joined in,
which was particularly devistating. I was always so embarassed to
have girls (which I always had crushes on) witness these situations.
Part of my wants to find some of these people and put my gun to their
heads and pull the trigger until it clicks then reload and blow myself
away.
I am highly skeptical of the whole chemical imbalance thing in the
first place and feel like all of these medicines are quite
over-prescribed and that I as a 38 year old man should be able to just
get over it for hell sakes and get it together once and for all. I
feel like the anti-depressants say that I'm not responsible for my
behavior and massive insecurities and hurt feelings. And as I said I
don't have much faith in therapists.
I know this whole letter is completely pathetic. I have no need for
trolls or flamers to reinforce that I'm an idiot. I sincerely ask,
even plead for help from anyone out there that might steer me to some
literature or help of any kind to help me. I am so tired of being so
thin skinned, so tired of wondering what people are saying about me
when I know in the back of my mind they rarely have time to think of
me at all. I am tired of being such a burden on my wife, who I might
say is as solid as a rock. She is very even keeled. I take my anger
out on her, and on my children and it is completely not fair. I don't
abuse them physically. But when I'm hurting about something I yell at
them which I know is damaging alone. I don't think there is any
excuse for acting that way. That is why I feel like my kids would be
better without me sometimes. My Dad was much harder on me when I was
a child. I had a whipping every day as my dad had an awful temper. He
was sort of a jeckle and hide though. He also was a very loving and
compassionate and affectionate man and I love him dearly to this day.
I have forgiven him years ago and pray that he knows that I ask him to
forgive me for fighting back as I became a teenager.
I know this letter has been long and I know it's sounds so wimpy. If
you think you truly can help me and not flame, please post a reply.
Thank you in advance. I am desperate.
.
|
|
|
| User: "Aguy" |
|
| Title: Re: * Need Help... Severe depression...** |
11 Jan 2004 01:32:16 AM |
|
|
Ok first of all, let me say that I think you are EXTREMELY PERCEPTIVE
and I feel blessed that you and others have taken time from your day
to give such kind and straight-forward words of encouragement and
advice.
Get this--- I have done body for life and I was fairly successful at
it (lost 32 pounds of fat in 12 weeks, looked pretty good bit still
needed about 15 more) The problem was, I hit that platue that you
reach when you stop losing weight quickly and just leveled out, (plus
I hit the winter time and I live in a fairly cold bad weather state
for the wintertime and I HATE doing exercises indoors), got
discouraged and went back to all my old habits, and gained back the
wait and 5 pounds more than when I started. I started up again though
a week ago, knowing that that is part of my downtrodden feelings of
myself. Good news is that I it's winter, AND I am now running on the
treadmill every morning no less, haven't started the weights yet
again. Hopefully I can stick with it this time and keep it off. I
worked so hard to have it all come back. I have removed the items
that made me go back to the old habits. Namely, the T.V. in the
bedroom, which would give me the urge to eat in bed, which I know is
sickening, but I did it all the time. If the tube was on, instead of
sex with the wife or sleep, I would watch it. I put the T.V. in the
workout room now so maybe that will be used for a better purpose.
Thank you again so much for your kind words! I am so surprised by
this newsgroup. Talk to you later.
Listen - hang in there. You need to empower yourself. You have to realize
that "feelings follow actions" and not the other way around. Your waiting to
feel good about yourself before you do good things for yourself. It dont
work that way. Its like when the house is a mess, who ever feels like
cleaning it? But once you start, you get into it, and before your know it,
the house is clean. Your immobilized by inaction and the only cure for you
is ACTION.
If you want help - do this:
1. Make a list of the things in life that you want to have
2. Make a list of the things in your life you want to change
3. Make a list of actions you can take to begin the process of #1 and #2
When you do this, you will begin to feel empowered. Start with your weight.
Commit to losing 50lbs. Go buy the book 'Body for Life' by Bill Phillips and
commit to a 12 week program. Your life will turn around i garuntee it.
Your simply missing passion for life, youve allowed yourself to give up so
much courage. FOLLOW MY ADVICE - see what happens.
.
|
|
|
|
|
| User: "Whiskers" |
|
| Title: Re: * Need Help... Severe depression...** |
10 Jan 2004 03:51:45 PM |
|
|
On Sat, 10 Jan 2004 09:48:00 -0800, (Aguy)
wrote:
Forgive me for reposting this but I am using google as my newsreader which
I have summized is a mistake and I thought I was creating a new thread
last night when I posted my message. I had someone reply back to me
referring to others who have posted replies and I can't see them. I have
obviously realized I need to get a real newsreader, but in the mean time I
am reposting my letter with a new header that I hope will be unique and
not be added to an old thread but actually create a new one.
Google has it's own strange way of threading.
Techy stuff:
Free news-server: <http://news.individual.net/>. Used by many of the
people in ASD; make sure you read the FAQ and 'Policy'.
News-reader software: <http://www.newsreaders.com/>.
Hello
I am not sure if this is the correct place to post my message. I need
help and have no idea how to get it.
snip
I know this letter has been long and I know it's sounds so wimpy. If
you think you truly can help me and not flame, please post a reply.
Thank you in advance. I am desperate.
I think people here will know how you feel.
My first reaction is that you have some significant 'left-over' feelings
from your childhood, that you need to come to terms with. A good
counsellor would be a great help with that; I don't think it's something
we can do alone - and drugs won't really help with that particular aspect,
either. Anti-depressants can help with general 'mood' etc. - I certainly
feel the benefit - but finding what works best can take a while.
--
-- ^^^^^^^^^^ Interested in Citroens?
-- Whiskers <http://www.aacit.net>
-- ~~~~~~~~~~ <news:alt.autos.citroen>
.
|
|
|
| User: "Aguy" |
|
| Title: Re: * Need Help... Severe depression...** |
11 Jan 2004 01:23:20 AM |
|
|
Hey Thank you for the tech info! I just registered and that will help
out very much to have a better way to post/read.
Also thanks for the reply. I am taken back by how nice people have
responded to my post. It was embarrassing to even post in the first
place and I had major second thoughts afterwards, even though nobody
knows my identity (at least I think :-) It is nice to not be alone and
I think this was a good place to start. Already I have received some
pretty amazingly enlighting advice. And I am suprised with how well
many have been able to read me and what I actions I should take. I am
going to respond to the others after I am registered at the free
newsreader. Thanks again for everything.
-Guy
.
|
|
|
| User: "Whiskers" |
|
| Title: Re: * Need Help... Severe depression...** |
11 Jan 2004 10:42:04 AM |
|
|
On Sat, 10 Jan 2004 23:23:20 -0800, (Aguy)
wrote:
snip
It is nice to not be alone and I think this
was a good place to start. Already I have received some pretty amazingly
enlighting advice. And I am suprised with how well many have been able to
read me and what I actions I should take. I am going to respond to the
others after I am registered at the free newsreader. Thanks again for
everything.
There are many good people in ASD, and most of us have, or have had,
similar experiences or problems. I think we all benefit from sharing.
--
-- ^^^^^^^^^^ Interested in Citroens?
-- Whiskers <http://www.aacit.net>
-- ~~~~~~~~~~ <news:alt.autos.citroen>
.
|
|
|
|
|
|
| User: "Ken Stauffer" |
|
| Title: Re: * Need Help... Severe depression...** |
11 Jan 2004 01:09:02 PM |
|
|
Thanks for the post. I am feeling the same way, and I just tuned into A.S.D, and I have the same concerns about the purpose
of anti-depressants...
"Aguy" <utterlypathetic@yahoo.com> wrote in message news:cdb48530.0401100948.499f8b19@posting.google.com...
Forgive me for reposting this but I am using google as my newsreader
which I have summized is a mistake and I thought I was creating a new
thread last night when I posted my message. I had someone reply back
to me referring to others who have posted replies and I can't see
them. I have obviously realized I need to get a real newsreader, but
in the mean time I am reposting my letter with a new header that I
hope will be unique and not be added to an old thread but actually
create a new one.
Hello
I am not sure if this is the correct place to post my message. I
need help and have no idea how to get it. I am a 38 year old male,
married to a wonderful woman who loves me and would do anything for
me. We have 4 children. My two oldest are girls, age 6, & age 4. My
Two boys are the youngest at age 23 months and age 11 months. My
family and I are a part of a Christian faith and attend fairly
regularly but I feel lonely and empty there even though I know I want
to be in this particular faith. I am a self-employed Computer
programmer that is currently out of work. My wife has ended up taking
a job in which she is able to bring in enough to make our house and
car payment. I on the other hand have become almost useless. She
basically spends most of her time trying to cheer my up and keep me
from committing suicide. I probably don't really want to commit
suicide. I just want to cease to exist.
My problems seem endless. I am extremely hypersensitive to people and
nearly beg for their friendship when I first meet them. We have many
good friends that do enjoy being with us and I know love us. I have a
complicated personality. I love to be the center of attention and to
make people laugh, which I am fairly good at as I have a knack with
humor, but absolutely am devastated when I think people are laughing
AT me or talking about me behind my back, which I think about all the
time. Weird huh?
When someone hurts my feelings I can spend all night long crying about
it. I feel like a complete baby that I am as old as I am, and a man
No less, and that I STILL act this way and have the same massive
insecurities and worries. I know a lot of it stems from my childhood
and again it's ridiculous but I still deeply hurt from the events that
happened to me. I know this is going to sound like a boo-hoo story,
but I don't know how else to explain it. We grew up in a small town
and we were extremely poor and backward. I had bucked-teeth and was
made fun of constantly from 1st grade until I graduated from high
school. Every single day of school I was terrified that I would get
beat up by the bullies that new I would cry or get my feelings hurt.
I never learned that it would have stopped if I just would have stood
up to 2 or 3 of them, even if I would have got my clock cleaned, they
would have left my alone after that. I also could never stop letting
it hurt me. As a result of this I still to this day rehears
incredibly embarrassing moments that happened years ago and play them
over and over in my mind and have murderous revengeful anger towards
these people. I now don't have to teeth problem anymore and I we
live in a slightly upper-middle class neighborhood so I don't feel
like I"m the poor boy. But I still feel backward as I never finished
my formal education and in the back of my mind I always just know that
people will find out the truth. That I am just a loser from a small
town that will eventually amount to nothing. zero. My self-esteem
now is affected by the fact that I'm 50 pounds overweight. I always
feel people see me as just the wimpy fat guy now. On top of this I
have massive panic attacks. I have been taking xanax and Klonipin
which have helped with those but not the overall problem.
The terrorist attacks and the economy have been incredibly
devastating. I have been an extremely worrier. The type the fears
the end of the world, earthquakes, tornadoes and other national
disasters, death of loved ones, and also the extreme fear of not being
able to provide for my family which right now has become a
self-fulfulling prophecy. I feel frozen. Completely afraid to go out
into the world and even attempt to look for a job. The 90's were
really good to me as there were to many people I guess. I felt like
I was on top of the world and we were able to build a home that though
many would think it was just a generic track-home, in my eyes it is my
dream home, something I never ever in my wildest dreams did I ever
think I would have. Now however I feel like I sink more every day.
I hate life. I want to die. I want god to take me. This has
lasted for about a year and a half. Basically when I began losing my
clientele due to the cutbacks. My ego road largely on my ability to
make over $100 k a year. I know that many people don't even see that
and that I was fortunate and even spoiled in some respects to get that
for the time that I did.
As I said before I constantly get my feelings hurt by people. It's
usually by the snoot in the community that intentionally leaves us out
of a social gathering, or the arrogant guy that puts you down to make
himself feel better. Or because someone that I think likes me,
doesn't wave or appears to ignore me that day. Years ago when I was
attending college I went to two different therapists and the results
were the same. I don't think back then that I knew as much about
myself, but nevertheless, all these guys did was just listen to my
pathetic ramblings and then basically say "see you next week"...as I
walked out to the reception desk to pay my $100 a week. I shelled out
a lot of money having them just LISTEN to me. In my opinion that was
a damn rip off. They did nothing for me. No assignments no helpful
tools that I could use to change my behavioral thinking, no books to
read, NOTHING. It was complete *****.
My entire family (not my wife and kids, but my siblings and mother)
are on anti-depressants and most of them I guess have had success. I
on the other hand have tried Prozac (no change whatsoever), wellbutrin
(no change), Lexapro (not really much of a change), and now Zoloft
which I have only been on for 3 weeks. The lexapro I was on for 6
months but as I said no real change. I can't tell anything yet.
Lexapro was the only one that I tried to adjust the dosage with. I
went from 10 milligrams to 20. no change. I'm taking 100 Mg of
zoloft right now but as I said, nothing yet.
I desire so much to become hardened....to have a thick shell so that
people aren't able to hurt me so terribly or even at all. When they
know they can, they will. I want to become tough for once. THERE
HAS GOT TO BE A WAY TO ATTAIN THIS and I have a hard time believing
that a pill will do the job. I know I somehow have to get rid of the
baggage of my childhood but it is damn hard when not one of those
bullies ever fricken apologized for anything. I don't know how to
forgive someone who hasn't felt remorse for something they did to me
that was so cruel day after day. Even some of my teachers joined in,
which was particularly devistating. I was always so embarassed to
have girls (which I always had crushes on) witness these situations.
Part of my wants to find some of these people and put my gun to their
heads and pull the trigger until it clicks then reload and blow myself
away.
I am highly skeptical of the whole chemical imbalance thing in the
first place and feel like all of these medicines are quite
over-prescribed and that I as a 38 year old man should be able to just
get over it for hell sakes and get it together once and for all. I
feel like the anti-depressants say that I'm not responsible for my
behavior and massive insecurities and hurt feelings. And as I said I
don't have much faith in therapists.
I know this whole letter is completely pathetic. I have no need for
trolls or flamers to reinforce that I'm an idiot. I sincerely ask,
even plead for help from anyone out there that might steer me to some
literature or help of any kind to help me. I am so tired of being so
thin skinned, so tired of wondering what people are saying about me
when I know in the back of my mind they rarely have time to think of
me at all. I am tired of being such a burden on my wife, who I might
say is as solid as a rock. She is very even keeled. I take my anger
out on her, and on my children and it is completely not fair. I don't
abuse them physically. But when I'm hurting about something I yell at
them which I know is damaging alone. I don't think there is any
excuse for acting that way. That is why I feel like my kids would be
better without me sometimes. My Dad was much harder on me when I was
a child. I had a whipping every day as my dad had an awful temper. He
was sort of a jeckle and hide though. He also was a very loving and
compassionate and affectionate man and I love him dearly to this day.
I have forgiven him years ago and pray that he knows that I ask him to
forgive me for fighting back as I became a teenager.
I know this letter has been long and I know it's sounds so wimpy. If
you think you truly can help me and not flame, please post a reply.
Thank you in advance. I am desperate.
.
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