So, if I went to a therapist and she/he was trying to understand the
last 7 or 8 days and asked questions, don't know exactly how to explain
jumble of feelings and thoughts . . .

So Thursday was still depressed and brain-mixed-up (don't know another
phrase) from communication with John last week. BTW, if you do not
like reading about someone struggling through a mire of *****, don't
read further.

But, I felt proud got it back together enough to teach two good classes
Wednesday. So said, shaky or not, going to conference in Sewanee TN.
Went with scooter, landed Nashville, rented car drove the distance,
showed up and did paper, attended three different sessions and went to
the dinner. Got home a few moments ago.

Yes, left a day early to get together for class and nurse my depression
a bit more. Yes, kept hoping John would respond etc. etc. (beyond curt
"I am not callous to the seriousness of your surgery" then silence).
Checked email. But STILL, I did do it and was functional and
"together" (thg so shy at these things). Several history professors
said thrilled with hearing Robin Hood paper, and yeah, I felt a bit of
lift.

So, now I am home and I am clearly much much better than last week.
There is distance again -- not the sense of immediacy I was feeling
that nullified the passage of 8 years -- and that distance lets me gain
some perspective beyond just feeling hurt. So, I think I can refrain
from writing or replying again. It also became clear to me that when I
am involved talking to others with like interests and such and act - I
am - much much healthier. It is isolation that contributes a large
part to my inability to "get on."

That being said, I had a long serious talk with my ex who has witnessed
all and who has known me for 25 years intimately and knows all details
of my history (which I can't bring myself to share on ASD) and the talk
scared me. He said, in his most objective and considered judgment, he
thinks that at some point I will committ suicide in some quiet way if I
do not find a way to mend my heartbreak about John in a real kick *****,
solid closure, inner turn, kind of way.

I sense why he says this. He knows the emotional details and particular
texture of that relationship and what bonds were formed and why . . .
so we both think that maybe I have to once again try to find a
therapist -- not a counsler or social worker - but a good
psychoanalyist to break through what I seem compelled to resist. For
Maria's sake, as well as my own, I guess I will do this soon after
surgery.

What I am most in distress about concerning John right now is that
someone I love appears to not only have used me to be truly and deeply
indifferent to whether I am alive or dead. I faced this indifference
with my father who loved to harm me in unmentionable ways but who never
cared a twit for me til the day he died. My mom signing me away and
cutting me from her will crushed me. So I put all that childish trust
here -- in John - and the grief is from not being cared about by the
one I thought did care.

Other people come to grips with people hating them or wishing them
dead. They hurt but move on and do not mentally collaspe because of it.
I need these skills.

But - today is better than last Saturday. And all I can think of is
having some time with Maria and perhaps to doing some research tonight.
I MUST learn to accept what I cannot change, and DAMN'T I will in the
end somehow. So that is my update, sorry so long.

Rosena

So Thursday was still depressed and brain-mixed-up (don't know another
phrase) from communication with John last week.

But, I felt proud got it back together enough to teach two good classes
Wednesday.

So, now I am home and I am clearly much much better than last week.
There is distance again -- not the sense of immediacy I was feeling
that nullified the passage of 8 years

do not find a way to mend my heartbreak about John in a real kick *****,
solid closure, inner turn, kind of way.

What I am most in distress about concerning John right now is that
someone I love appears to not only have used me to be truly and deeply
indifferent to whether I am alive or dead. I faced this indifference
with my father who loved to harm me in unmentionable ways but who never
cared a twit for me til the day he died. My mom signing me away and
cutting me from her will crushed me. So I put all that childish trust
here -- in John - and the grief is from not being cared about by the
one I thought did care.

Other people come to grips with people hating them or wishing them
dead. They hurt but move on and do not mentally collaspe because of it.
I need these skills.