Desperately metally broken. No therapy is going to help. I am aware
of how sick the sickness is. Dwelling on suicide. Not sure would harm
Maria like I worry if appeared an accident. Need escape from my own
mind's tumblings.
Prof wrote me and said my paper on purgatory was "quite excellent" and
she invited me to do a field with her. it helps a bit. But self-hate
is over whelming. Self disgust. Disrespect for myself.
I wish I had temper to drown myself in mindless sex. But I don't.
I'd go to a doctor if I could find the one in Ordinary People or
Fitzgerald's The Beautiful and the Damned. . . doesn't exist.
There is something to Roman belief that suicide regains honor.
Rosena
.
|
|
| User: "Nom dePlume nomdeplume1000-at-yahoo.com" |
|
| Title: Re: @ Sick |
03 Jun 2006 09:55:34 PM |
|
|
"Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com> wrote in message
news:1149380019.881499.121700@f6g2000cwb.googlegroups.com...
Desperately metally broken. No therapy is going to help.
Rosena, I can't agree with this. You've made it pretty clear by now
how you've come to where you are, and therapy is available for the
problems you have. The question is no longer about whether therapy can
help, but whether you have the courage to take the help that is
available. You've said you are afraid, and I can understand, but can
the things you fear about therapy possibly be any worse than this
near-suicidal roller coaster you constantly ride? At what point do you
say, "Enough!" and choose health?
--
Nom dePlume, Ph.D.
Why, yes, in fact, I am a rocket scientist.
Guide to Medications for Mental Illness:
http://www.geocities.com/nomdeplume1000/
=====
.
|
|
|
| User: "Rosena" |
|
| Title: Re: @ Sick |
03 Jun 2006 10:35:10 PM |
|
|
I don't have faith in talk therapy to be honest. I have had it since I
was 10 all my life.
In the end all change always depended on me saying "CHANGE" and doing
it. But I am not telling you I won't do it. I will call Pdoc on Monday
and get referral . . .but right now, deep deep in my soul I see no hope
of a life ever again . . . .
Nom dePlume wrote:
"Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com> wrote in message
news:1149380019.881499.121700@f6g2000cwb.googlegroups.com...
Desperately metally broken. No therapy is going to help.
Rosena, I can't agree with this. You've made it pretty clear by now
how you've come to where you are, and therapy is available for the
problems you have. The question is no longer about whether therapy can
help, but whether you have the courage to take the help that is
available. You've said you are afraid, and I can understand, but can
the things you fear about therapy possibly be any worse than this
near-suicidal roller coaster you constantly ride? At what point do you
say, "Enough!" and choose health?
--
Nom dePlume, Ph.D.
Why, yes, in fact, I am a rocket scientist.
Guide to Medications for Mental Illness:
http://www.geocities.com/nomdeplume1000/
=====
.
|
|
|
| User: "Nom dePlume nomdeplume1000-at-yahoo.com" |
|
| Title: Re: @ Sick |
04 Jun 2006 01:16:44 AM |
|
|
"Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com> wrote in message
news:1149392110.593090.14600@h76g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...
I don't have faith in talk therapy to be honest. I have had it since
I
was 10 all my life.
In the end all change always depended on me saying "CHANGE" and
doing
it.
This approach is useful for some things, but useless for trauma.
But I am not telling you I won't do it. I will call Pdoc on Monday
and get referral . . .but right now, deep deep in my soul I see no
hope
of a life ever again . . . .
Rosena, "trauma therapy" isn't the usual sort of "talk therapy." There
are some pretty significant differences. It is a specialty in its own
right, involving a number of unique concepts and techniques. The
average therapist (in my opinion, as someone who has known a dozen or
so) can no more handle this area than the average auto mechanic can
fix a jet engine.
In response to this comment you made to Nina:
Hi - this is related to what I wanted to write you about. I know
this
is a rut - that is an understatement. It is like addiction, but Jean
said something other day too which is really driving it - this sense
of
"injustice" that somehow I will "force" right. But I can't.
And I am scare *you* are right. What I mean is is that in the end it
is
a simple act of will of LETTING GO and saying whatever it was, it is
past. And because of that I am afraid this is all about my lack of
character. My cowardliness, or weak-willedness and inability to make
that act of will.
....this is actually not true. For some psychological problems, this is
at least somewhat true, but childhood trauma actually changes the way
the brain processes information, and can't be resolved by any decision
or effort of will. It requires specialized treatment.
Let me make a couple of suggestions. First, look at the work of Bessel
van der Kolk (http://www.traumacenter.org/bvdk.html) and the BASK
model for some insights into the issues involved. (I strongly suspect
the BASK model is relevant for your case.)
Second, one place to look for referrals for specialists in the field
is the ISSD web site (www.issd.org). I would suggest starting with
this (or a similar) list, rather than looking through the Yellow
Pages. If you do look through the Yellow Pages, grill your candidate
therapist on his/her credentials, and make sure he/she is a member of
a professional society that specializes in trauma issues (such as the
ISSD).
Whatever you do, don't waste your time with someone who doesn't know
what he's doing. You need (and deserve) the best.
--
Nom dePlume, Ph.D.
Why, yes, in fact, I am a rocket scientist.
Guide to Medications for Mental Illness:
http://www.geocities.com/nomdeplume1000/
=====
.
|
|
|
|
|
|
| User: "Rosena" |
|
| Title: Re: @ Sick |
03 Jun 2006 08:26:52 PM |
|
|
Hey,
I am sorry you are going through similar stuff. I know I am not too
together right now, but you know, right? Ever need to talk, here,
email, phone. And opwn invite to come visit.
It would be nice to try to really make it up to visit with you in
Canada. Don't know can swing money, but maybe in August.
God, Jean, without ever getting to sit down with you, and taking
account of newgroup "bravado" we all have . . . you are so special.
No. I am one of those horrible reactionary conservatives who think only
a very few are special and the rest of us average.
But you are. You just have a way of offering comfort that is never
sentimental, criticism that is always blunt and on mark, and all rolled
up with wit and sass and marshmellow inside plus you are a looker.
I know you are a very proud woman. But anything Jean, just ask.
love
me
Rosena wrote:
Desperately metally broken. No therapy is going to help. I am aware
of how sick the sickness is. Dwelling on suicide. Not sure would harm
Maria like I worry if appeared an accident. Need escape from my own
mind's tumblings.
Prof wrote me and said my paper on purgatory was "quite excellent" and
she invited me to do a field with her. it helps a bit. But self-hate
is over whelming. Self disgust. Disrespect for myself.
I wish I had temper to drown myself in mindless sex. But I don't.
I'd go to a doctor if I could find the one in Ordinary People or
Fitzgerald's The Beautiful and the Damned. . . doesn't exist.
There is something to Roman belief that suicide regains honor.
Rosena
.
|
|
|
|
| User: "David" |
|
| Title: Re: @ Sick |
03 Jun 2006 07:47:19 PM |
|
|
I don't remember what meds you're on, it'd be a good idea to see a
doctor when you can, and give him a chance. Sometimes meds can quit
working, it helps for someone to know. I've been improving lately.
Rosena wrote:
Desperately metally broken. No therapy is going to help. I am aware
of how sick the sickness is. Dwelling on suicide. Not sure would harm
Maria like I worry if appeared an accident. Need escape from my own
mind's tumblings.
Prof wrote me and said my paper on purgatory was "quite excellent" and
she invited me to do a field with her. it helps a bit. But self-hate
is over whelming. Self disgust. Disrespect for myself.
I wish I had temper to drown myself in mindless sex. But I don't.
I'd go to a doctor if I could find the one in Ordinary People or
Fitzgerald's The Beautiful and the Damned. . . doesn't exist.
There is something to Roman belief that suicide regains honor.
Rosena
.
|
|
|
|
| User: "Nina" |
|
| Title: Re: @ Sick |
03 Jun 2006 10:05:17 PM |
|
|
On 3 Jun 2006 17:13:39 -0700, "Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com> wrote:
Desperately metally broken. No therapy is going to help. I am aware
of how sick the sickness is. Dwelling on suicide. Not sure would harm
Maria like I worry if appeared an accident. Need escape from my own
mind's tumblings.
Prof wrote me and said my paper on purgatory was "quite excellent" and
she invited me to do a field with her. it helps a bit. But self-hate
is over whelming. Self disgust. Disrespect for myself.
You know, there are many, many things that one could say, but you've
heard it all before. Jean is right. You're stuck in a rut, a
repetitive thought pattern, and you know it.
Ultimately, with all addictions... and, yes, this is an addiction...
you have to make a conscious choice to simply STOP doing it. It's not
easy, of course, and you know that as well as I do. But you have to
choose to do something different, or you will be here a decade from
now, a generation from now, in the same place. And you will waste
your life, and your daughter's life.
Do something different. Find ANY therapist, because ANY step that's
different would be better than repeating the same behaviors over and
over again. Stop reading his email. Stop talking to friends about
him. Walk away from it, and choose to have a different life.
That doesn't mean a smooth and perfect road with no relapses. This
is, in a way, a relapse, because you haven't been here in a while.
Get back on the path you were heading toward, and while you're at it,
get some other help to do it.
All of us, we are strong women, and we loathe asking for help or
saying what's wrong, and we think that we can fix everything ourselves
through sheer force of will. But it's not true all the time, and you
know, the hardest road is not always better just because it's harder.
At the end of the day, you don't get any medals for being the person
who suffered the most. Just a miserable life.
.
|
|
|
| User: "Rosena" |
|
| Title: Re: @ Sick |
03 Jun 2006 10:32:05 PM |
|
|
Nina,
Hi - this is related to what I wanted to write you about. I know this
is a rut - that is an understatement. It is like addiction, but Jean
said something other day too which is really driving it - this sense of
"injustice" that somehow I will "force" right. But I can't.
And I am scare *you* are right. What I mean is is that in the end it is
a simple act of will of LETTING GO and saying whatever it was, it is
past. And because of that I am afraid this is all about my lack of
character. My cowardliness, or weak-willedness and inability to make
that act of will.
If that is true it makes me sick sick to my stomach. I can't stand the
idea that I do not have courage or strength to will my decision to let
it DIE.
Maybe any therapy is better than doing nothing so to speak. But if it
is the cold light of day a matter of character than no amount of
therapy is going to do it. I am not anxious to die. I don't want to
leave Maria. But part of me says at least I can stop this insanity one
way. . . I feel so so ashamed.
Another part of it is what I call his endless gaslighting. It wouldn't
matter except I am not confident about my own hold on reality. So when
he says, I don't know, that I made him hit me, or pushed him to it, I
hear my dad saying the exact same thing (when I was 3) and I think . .
.. maybe? Then I think, no this isn't reality, and I get all tangled
up.
Look for the 1000000 time, I have told mself, this is it, no more
communication etc. And I have done this for up to a year. But as you
always point out, I stress and then all goes to hell. I don't know how
to help myself make that act of will in a way that is final and
permanent. And I am so so so so sick of myself and ashamed.
Best
Rosena
Nina wrote:
On 3 Jun 2006 17:13:39 -0700, "Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com> wrote:
Desperately metally broken. No therapy is going to help. I am aware
of how sick the sickness is. Dwelling on suicide. Not sure would harm
Maria like I worry if appeared an accident. Need escape from my own
mind's tumblings.
Prof wrote me and said my paper on purgatory was "quite excellent" and
she invited me to do a field with her. it helps a bit. But self-hate
is over whelming. Self disgust. Disrespect for myself.
You know, there are many, many things that one could say, but you've
heard it all before. Jean is right. You're stuck in a rut, a
repetitive thought pattern, and you know it.
Ultimately, with all addictions... and, yes, this is an addiction...
you have to make a conscious choice to simply STOP doing it. It's not
easy, of course, and you know that as well as I do. But you have to
choose to do something different, or you will be here a decade from
now, a generation from now, in the same place. And you will waste
your life, and your daughter's life.
Do something different. Find ANY therapist, because ANY step that's
different would be better than repeating the same behaviors over and
over again. Stop reading his email. Stop talking to friends about
him. Walk away from it, and choose to have a different life.
That doesn't mean a smooth and perfect road with no relapses. This
is, in a way, a relapse, because you haven't been here in a while.
Get back on the path you were heading toward, and while you're at it,
get some other help to do it.
All of us, we are strong women, and we loathe asking for help or
saying what's wrong, and we think that we can fix everything ourselves
through sheer force of will. But it's not true all the time, and you
know, the hardest road is not always better just because it's harder.
At the end of the day, you don't get any medals for being the person
who suffered the most. Just a miserable life.
.
|
|
|
| User: "Charles" |
|
| Title: Re: @ Sick |
03 Jun 2006 11:10:25 PM |
|
|
On 3 Jun 2006 20:32:05 -0700, "Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com> wrote:
Nina,
Hi - this is related to what I wanted to write you about. I know this
is a rut - that is an understatement. It is like addiction, but Jean
said something other day too which is really driving it - this sense of
"injustice" that somehow I will "force" right. But I can't.
And I am scare *you* are right. What I mean is is that in the end it is
a simple act of will of LETTING GO and saying whatever it was, it is
past. And because of that I am afraid this is all about my lack of
character. My cowardliness, or weak-willedness and inability to make
that act of will.
If that is true it makes me sick sick to my stomach. I can't stand the
idea that I do not have courage or strength to will my decision to let
it DIE.
Maybe any therapy is better than doing nothing so to speak. But if it
is the cold light of day a matter of character than no amount of
therapy is going to do it. I am not anxious to die. I don't want to
leave Maria. But part of me says at least I can stop this insanity one
way. . . I feel so so ashamed.
Another part of it is what I call his endless gaslighting. It wouldn't
matter except I am not confident about my own hold on reality. So when
he says, I don't know, that I made him hit me, or pushed him to it, I
hear my dad saying the exact same thing (when I was 3) and I think . .
. maybe? Then I think, no this isn't reality, and I get all tangled
up.
Look for the 1000000 time, I have told mself, this is it, no more
communication etc. And I have done this for up to a year. But as you
always point out, I stress and then all goes to hell. I don't know how
to help myself make that act of will in a way that is final and
permanent. And I am so so so so sick of myself and ashamed.
Best
Rosena
I held on to bad stuff for a long time, because I felt if I let it go,
then I wouldn't have anything to hold on to.
The way therapy helped me was to be able to express, aloud, in front
of someone else, thoughts that I was ashamed of, that I was fearful
someone else would find out about. Bringing them out in the open
helped, not immediately, but eventually.
I'm still not well, but in much less pain.
I hope you can find your way.
Who was it that said you will never have a better past? The bad past
can have less impact on the present and future, it's hard.
.
|
|
|
|
| User: "Nina" |
|
| Title: Re: @ Sick |
04 Jun 2006 09:49:27 AM |
|
|
On 3 Jun 2006 20:32:05 -0700, "Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com> wrote:
Nina,
Hi - this is related to what I wanted to write you about. I know this
is a rut - that is an understatement. It is like addiction, but Jean
said something other day too which is really driving it - this sense of
"injustice" that somehow I will "force" right. But I can't.
I have this kind of sense of things, right and wrong and fair and
unfair, and I could go on about this for a long time; it's a big, big
issue for me. But one of the things that I've had to (very
reluctantly) accept is that there is no justice in this world, not in
this kind of sense. The karmic scales balance in the end, but you
can't do it for them; you can't wait for the "fair" and "right" thing
to happen, because you will simply destroy your life in the process.
It's banal, but the fact of the matter is that living well IS the best
revenge.
And I am scare *you* are right. What I mean is is that in the end it is
a simple act of will of LETTING GO and saying whatever it was, it is
past. And because of that I am afraid this is all about my lack of
character. My cowardliness, or weak-willedness and inability to make
that act of will.
If that is true it makes me sick sick to my stomach. I can't stand the
idea that I do not have courage or strength to will my decision to let
it DIE.
Maybe any therapy is better than doing nothing so to speak. But if it
is the cold light of day a matter of character than no amount of
therapy is going to do it. I am not anxious to die. I don't want to
leave Maria. But part of me says at least I can stop this insanity one
way. . . I feel so so ashamed.
Well, tops on the list of things that you have to let go of is beating
yourself up about this. Shame is a wasted, futile emotion that serves
no purpose. Yes, we have ALL done things of which we are desperately
ashamed. Some of those things... well, maybe some of them we should
be ashamed of. Maybe others of them are shame factors because of the
way that we were brought up or what we were taught. But the only
relevant this is what you do now. What you do next. The past is
unrecoverable and unchangeable. The present and the future are new
and fresh and bright every day.
Another part of it is what I call his endless gaslighting. It wouldn't
matter except I am not confident about my own hold on reality. So when
he says, I don't know, that I made him hit me, or pushed him to it, I
hear my dad saying the exact same thing (when I was 3) and I think . .
. maybe? Then I think, no this isn't reality, and I get all tangled
up.
***** it. Who cares? He has his own version of reality, the version
of reality that HE chooses to know, that he chooses to believe, that
perhaps he needs to believe to live with the things that he did. It
isn't your reality, and it isn't objective reality. I mean, if I tell
you every day that the sky is green, will that repetition make it more
true? You know what the truth is. Keep it for yourself... but more
than anything, put it away. Put HIM away. Stop reading anything that
he writes. Any old emails that you have, delete. Stop talking to
people who know him about him. Let him cease to exist. Choose to
stop defining yourself by your past.
Look for the 1000000 time, I have told mself, this is it, no more
communication etc. And I have done this for up to a year. But as you
always point out, I stress and then all goes to hell. I don't know how
to help myself make that act of will in a way that is final and
permanent. And I am so so so so sick of myself and ashamed.
Rosena, if you were an alcoholic, no one would see shame in you
needing help, in you relapsing, etc. All we'd do is say, get some
real help, go to meetings, go to therapy. The only shame here is in
your relentless refusal to look for some real help, your insistence
that you can do this by yourself, your repetition of the same patterns
that lead to the same results.
The fact of the matter, and it's another one of those sayings that's
stupid but true, is that if you do what you've always done, you'll get
what you've always gotten. That's what you are doing.
LISTEN to what Nom said. Go find yourself a real therapist, someone
with the skills to help THIS problem, not some generic pdoc. And if
you don't get the right person, try again and again and again. Put
all that persistence that you are directing into trying to correct an
impossible injustice into something real... saving your own life.
You know, Michael went through a decade of therapists of one kind or
another that did absolutely no good at all. And then, mainly through
a combination of persistence and luck, he found someone who made the
right diagnosis, and that was part of the path to making everything
change. That CAN happen, but you have to seek it out.
.
|
|
|
|
|
|
| User: "Noon Cat Nick" |
|
| Title: Re: @ Sick |
03 Jun 2006 09:21:03 PM |
|
|
Rosena wrote:
Desperately metally broken. No therapy is going to help. I am aware
of how sick the sickness is. Dwelling on suicide. Not sure would harm
Maria like I worry if appeared an accident. Need escape from my own
mind's tumblings.
Prof wrote me and said my paper on purgatory was "quite excellent" and
she invited me to do a field with her. it helps a bit. But self-hate
is over whelming. Self disgust. Disrespect for myself.
<snip>
I understand. I was that close three weeks ago. Really...I was in a very
unsafe place.
I feel really sad that you're in such pain. Especially since you seem to
be doing so well in academia.
Self-hate, self-disgust, no self-respect...these have been defining
traits for me for a long time. On occasion they really flare up. My
heart aches for you right now. Seriously.
Coupla questions (feel free to reply via e-mail, to
chatdemidi@hotmail.com, if that's more accommodating)
1. Are you still attending UIUC?
2. What's your current diagnosis.
Please stay safe. I'm worried for you right now.
.
|
|
|
| User: "Rosena" |
|
| Title: Re: @ Sick |
03 Jun 2006 09:52:14 PM |
|
|
Hi Noon,
Yes, still in. I start teaching western civ in a couple of weeks and I
am finishing up last of final papers . .
Sorry you have been through this to. I don't know what you'd call me
except depressed. Doctors have given up trying to call it something (I
have had like six different labels all tossed eventually.
Part of me wants to keep going, keep trying to rebuild a life, but
another part sees it as pathetic and repulsive (my trying) like if
someone saw in a movie they'd cringe in embarrassment. And that part
thinks if done a certain way, suicide could regain me some honor. Like
Lucretia.
But . . .no plan. Just . . real self-nausea right now and disrespect.
Thanks for kind words.
Best
Rosena
Noon Cat Nick wrote:
Rosena wrote:
Desperately metally broken. No therapy is going to help. I am aware
of how sick the sickness is. Dwelling on suicide. Not sure would harm
Maria like I worry if appeared an accident. Need escape from my own
mind's tumblings.
Prof wrote me and said my paper on purgatory was "quite excellent" and
she invited me to do a field with her. it helps a bit. But self-hate
is over whelming. Self disgust. Disrespect for myself.
<snip>
I understand. I was that close three weeks ago. Really...I was in a very
unsafe place.
I feel really sad that you're in such pain. Especially since you seem to
be doing so well in academia.
Self-hate, self-disgust, no self-respect...these have been defining
traits for me for a long time. On occasion they really flare up. My
heart aches for you right now. Seriously.
Coupla questions (feel free to reply via e-mail, to
chatdemidi@hotmail.com, if that's more accommodating)
1. Are you still attending UIUC?
2. What's your current diagnosis.
Please stay safe. I'm worried for you right now.
.
|
|
|
| User: "Noon Cat Nick" |
|
| Title: Re: @ Sick |
03 Jun 2006 10:13:23 PM |
|
|
Rosena wrote:
Hi Noon,
Yes, still in. I start teaching western civ in a couple of weeks and I
am finishing up last of final papers . .
Oh, yeah, summer session. That was always the most fun for me.
I miss my days in C-U. I'm getting a windfall in a few weeks after I
finish the play I'm working on right now. I have half a notion to drive
over to Chambana for a day and loiter around.
Sorry you have been through this to. I don't know what you'd call me
except depressed. Doctors have given up trying to call it something (I
have had like six different labels all tossed eventually.
What about the possibility of some sort of stress/post-stress or
trauma/post-trauma disorder? Seems to me, given your personal history,
something like that would be worth strong consideration. (That plus the
fact that I'm currently dealing with symptoms of complex PTSD, so it's
on my mind these days.)
Part of me wants to keep going, keep trying to rebuild a life, but
another part sees it as pathetic and repulsive (my trying) like if
someone saw in a movie they'd cringe in embarrassment. And that part
thinks if done a certain way, suicide could regain me some honor. Like
Lucretia.
I know how that feels. I wish I didn't. I certainly wish you didn't have
to, either.
But . . .no plan. Just . . real self-nausea right now and disrespect.
Thanks for kind words.
You're very welcome. In the meantime, teach Maria to stay strong and
safe. Teaching her might just help you at the same time.
Please keep me updated. You're in my heart right now.
.
|
|
|
|
|
|
| User: "Luna" |
|
| Title: Re: @ Sick |
03 Jun 2006 07:43:03 PM |
|
|
Rosena wrote:
Desperately metally broken. No therapy is going to help. I am aware
of how sick the sickness is. Dwelling on suicide. Not sure would harm
Maria like I worry if appeared an accident. Need escape from my own
mind's tumblings.
Prof wrote me and said my paper on purgatory was "quite excellent" and
she invited me to do a field with her. it helps a bit. But self-hate
is over whelming. Self disgust. Disrespect for myself.
I wish I had temper to drown myself in mindless sex. But I don't.
I'd go to a doctor if I could find the one in Ordinary People or
Fitzgerald's The Beautiful and the Damned. . . doesn't exist.
There is something to Roman belief that suicide regains honor.
Ordinary People guy was also Taxi guy.
Anyway. I'm hardly one to talk anyone out of suicide but I don't
harbour any illusions about honour being a product of that particular
act.
Rosena, therapy might help. Your neurons are stuck in a rut, a well
travelled path.
Jean
Rosena
.
|
|
|
| User: "Rosena" |
|
| Title: Re: @ Sick |
03 Jun 2006 07:56:38 PM |
|
|
Thanks for replying Jean . . .a voice of a friend means something right
now. I have no immeidate suicide plan, I don't like to worry people on
ASD like that . . I just, part of me says "that all there is" and if it
is, then I want off. The email came last night and it was all I
feared: partial truth, but white washing, and reducing -- e.g. he
didn't "beat" he shouldn't have "raised his hand" (as if he slapped).
Your right. The reality is in my skull. But he keeps telling me I am
insane and this two year old part of me trusts him so I keep looking
for him to be the grown up and tell the truth. I am a sick twisted
*****.
Monday I am going to go up to school, maybe take Maria for lunch, a
walk, get away from this desk. Yeah . . .can't give up here . . .
maybe if I can work a bit that will help.
miss being kissed, not by him, but just a nice sweet loving kiss, you
know what I mean?
You never said. Are things better???
xo
Luna wrote:
Rosena wrote:
Desperately metally broken. No therapy is going to help. I am aware
of how sick the sickness is. Dwelling on suicide. Not sure would harm
Maria like I worry if appeared an accident. Need escape from my own
mind's tumblings.
Prof wrote me and said my paper on purgatory was "quite excellent" and
she invited me to do a field with her. it helps a bit. But self-hate
is over whelming. Self disgust. Disrespect for myself.
I wish I had temper to drown myself in mindless sex. But I don't.
I'd go to a doctor if I could find the one in Ordinary People or
Fitzgerald's The Beautiful and the Damned. . . doesn't exist.
There is something to Roman belief that suicide regains honor.
Ordinary People guy was also Taxi guy.
Anyway. I'm hardly one to talk anyone out of suicide but I don't
harbour any illusions about honour being a product of that particular
act.
Rosena, therapy might help. Your neurons are stuck in a rut, a well
travelled path.
Jean
Rosena
.
|
|
|
| User: "Rhiannon" |
|
| Title: Re: @ Sick |
04 Jun 2006 01:07:34 AM |
|
|
"Rosena" <filpriros@aol.com> wrote in message
news:1149382598.035440.194050@c74g2000cwc.googlegroups.com...
Thanks for replying Jean . . .a voice of a friend means something right
now. I have no immeidate suicide plan, I don't like to worry people on
ASD like that . . I just, part of me says "that all there is" and if it
is, then I want off. The email came last night and it was all I
feared: partial truth, but white washing, and reducing -- e.g. he
didn't "beat" he shouldn't have "raised his hand" (as if he slapped).
Your right. The reality is in my skull. But he keeps telling me I am
insane and this two year old part of me trusts him so I keep looking
for him to be the grown up and tell the truth. I am a sick twisted
*****.
Monday I am going to go up to school, maybe take Maria for lunch, a
walk, get away from this desk. Yeah . . .can't give up here . . .
maybe if I can work a bit that will help.
miss being kissed, not by him, but just a nice sweet loving kiss, you
know what I mean?
What if this is what he truly believes? Perhaps your two year old is
trusting another two year old. A two year old who will never be a grown up
and will never tell the truth or say what you want to hear because *his*
truth is the only one that exists in his own sick mind. As for therapy and
whether it works or not? That all depends on you, I think. I hope you find
inner peace and a way to help yourself Rosena .
--
Rhi
.
|
|
|
|
| User: "Luna" |
|
| Title: Re: @ Sick |
03 Jun 2006 08:16:12 PM |
|
|
Rosena wrote:
Thanks for replying Jean . . .a voice of a friend means something right
now. I have no immeidate suicide plan, I don't like to worry people on
ASD like that . . I just, part of me says "that all there is" and if it
is, then I want off. The email came last night and it was all I
feared: partial truth, but white washing, and reducing -- e.g. he
didn't "beat" he shouldn't have "raised his hand" (as if he slapped).
That's funny, "raised his hand", the words themselves imply some sort
of rising above, as if he's either standing for something or reining in
something childish and needing of control. Your intellectual brain
sees that for what it is but clearly the problem with you is not
stupidity.
Your right. The reality is in my skull. But he keeps telling me I am
insane and this two year old part of me trusts him so I keep looking
for him to be the grown up and tell the truth. I am a sick twisted
*****.
No, you aren't a sick twisted *****. Well, sick and twisted maybe so,
most of us would fall under that umbrella, but the ***** word and the
self loathing implicit in assigning that to yourself, that's a mistake.
Sick and twisted can also mean hurt and affected, right?
Monday I am going to go up to school, maybe take Maria for lunch, a
walk, get away from this desk. Yeah . . .can't give up here . . .
maybe if I can work a bit that will help.
miss being kissed, not by him, but just a nice sweet loving kiss, you
know what I mean?
Yeah, I know what you mean. You never had it with him though, not
really. He almost killed you, Rosena. You just thought you had it
with him - as you say, all this stuff resides in your own head. Who he
is and what he means to you are two totally different things.
You never said. Are things better???
I'm going through stuff that is very similar to what you are going
through.
Jean
xo
Luna wrote:
Rosena wrote:
Desperately metally broken. No therapy is going to help. I am aware
of how sick the sickness is. Dwelling on suicide. Not sure would harm
Maria like I worry if appeared an accident. Need escape from my own
mind's tumblings.
Prof wrote me and said my paper on purgatory was "quite excellent" and
she invited me to do a field with her. it helps a bit. But self-hate
is over whelming. Self disgust. Disrespect for myself.
I wish I had temper to drown myself in mindless sex. But I don't.
I'd go to a doctor if I could find the one in Ordinary People or
Fitzgerald's The Beautiful and the Damned. . . doesn't exist.
There is something to Roman belief that suicide regains honor.
Ordinary People guy was also Taxi guy.
Anyway. I'm hardly one to talk anyone out of suicide but I don't
harbour any illusions about honour being a product of that particular
act.
Rosena, therapy might help. Your neurons are stuck in a rut, a well
travelled path.
Jean
Rosena
.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Related Articles |
|
|
