Several times Nina has suggested I think about how what I miss about
John is the good clost intimacy I felt when things were good and not
John exactly (i.e. the whole man who was both demon and angel and much
of the former).
Well. . . my Latin teacher is a graduate student about, I don't know,
38. Maybe 40. Now he is married so there is no thought at all about
there being a connection - BUT, if he was free he is the first man I
have met in ten years that I can say, if it was possible, I'd be
involved with him in a flash. He is passionate, terribly good at
teaching, patient, full of vigor and awe for the Classical period, very
virile, thinks about strange things I like such as "isness" (ontology)
and God and whether there is such a thing as "present" time etc. He
tells great stories about Cicero. Is tall about six-four and good
looking in a very manly sort of way. He field is theology anf
philosophy - ancient. He is an ex-marine who has some sort of youthful
shady past who is utterly devoted to learning and excellence.
Anyway - my point is WOW. Finally, I can be interested in another man
apart from John and actually see that under different circumstances I
could actually enjoy and thrill at the spirit and intellect of someone
other than John. This is a big thing for me.
It encourages me to think that "life" - loving, laughing, holding,
giving, lovemaking, delighting - hasn't quite whimpered to its death.
I don't know what it means in long term. I still can't seem to even get
myself to attend graduate happy hour to develop even the most casual
relations with fellow medievalists, but still . . .it is something, a
sign, that is bodes well I think.
Rosena
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